Tagged: aphrodisiac

I Whispered to the Alchemist

  • by jenwherever he’s hiding
  • “To be continued,” she said
  • lizard person in a human suit
  • It sure was memorable
  • smell anything out of the ordinary?

Tune in next time part 669      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I whispered to the Alchemist, “I’m sure we’ll find him, wherever he’s hiding.” Whichever of my brothers the Alchemist was horny for, I wouldn’t be making introductions. But he didn’t know that, and I might be able to use him to make my escape before he figured that out.

The Alchemist jerked into action. “I have to get this man to a hospital!”

“What’s the problem?” Valentina’s husband asked from the ceiling.

The Alchemist dropped me a creepy wink, and said, “Acute slug poisoning.”

Valentina leaned down and squeezed my junk. “To be continued,” she said. “As soon as you get medically cleared.”

The Alchemist pulled a collapsable gurney from his kit and assembled it with a few flicks of his bony wrists. As he settled me on it and strapped me down, he gave another laborious wink, and quickly swiped his lips with his tongue like he was a lizard person in a human suit. It sure was memorable, much to my dismay.

He started wheeling me toward the door. Before we made our exit into the snow, though, Valentina said, “Hang on. Does anyone else smell anything out of the ordinary?”

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“Don’t Squish the Slugs”

  • by jenbut in that way dreams do
  • rubbing their fins against it
  • own personal golden spoon
  • some sort of cheesecake
  • you have to plan your moves

Tune in next time part 657      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Don’t squish the slugs,” Dr Ferguson purred, refusing to allow me to lay back on the mattress. For a moment I thought I knew what she was talking about, but in that way dreams dodge from your waking mind, the knowledge was gone. My senses were overwhelmed. Dr Ferguson moved close, and her heartbeat merged with mine, sounding like two dolphins with a balloon, rubbing their fins against it. She kissed me and it tasted like using my own personal golden spoon to savor some sort of cheesecake. When you’re in bed with a virtual stranger, and you’re clearly under the influence, you have to plan your moves very carefully and in accordance with Academy training. I attempted to do that now.

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Dr Ferguson Reached Again for my Waistband

  • by jenwhy would you ever need more than one cat
  • some secrets are just not meant to be uncovered
  • feeling each other up in your pantry
  • shiny because of bug secretions
  • “Who whistles for this long?”

Tune in next time part 655      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Dr Ferguson reached again for my waistband. Before she could accomplish anything, I heard someone clear their throat. My eyes were focusing on things beyond this world, things in the realm of sensuality, and it was nearly impossible to scan the room for the mystery throat-clearer.

I wondered if it might be Deuce Pamplemousse after all, but the pale bald head suggested not.

In an outrageously accented, smarmy voice, he said, “Look at your back! Why would you ever need more than one caterpillar aphrodisiac? Is your manliness so meager?”

“Hello, Arlo,” I snarled. “They’re not caterpillars. They’re slugs, which means they must be related to you.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” The viscount punctuated each word with a clap. “Very. Funny.” He positioned his pudgy body between Dr Ferguson and me.

“Arlo darling, you’re early,” simpered Dr Ferguson. “And you’re still dressed.”

“Some secrets are just not meant to be uncovered,” I blurted. What the hell was Dr Ferguson doing mixed up with the likes of this Svenborgian trash fire?

“Ignore him,” said Arlo. “Come with me, Fergie. I’d like to start by feeling each other up in your pantry. Your chest is so shiny because of bug secretions, it’s very enticing. I want to put my tongue on it.”

“They’re not bugs!” I said. “They’re slugs!” Whatever you called them, the warm, sweet pleasure they brought was overtaking my entire system. I doubted I’d be able to fight Arlo off if he took a swing at me.

“The double slugs are an experiment,” Dr Ferguson said in a babydoll voice, while running her fingertips around on Arlo’s bald head. “He’s my guinea pig.”

Arlo whistled a low note in appreciation of the plan. And whistled. And whistled. He just kept going.

“Who whistles for this long?” I grumbled, right before my consciousness drifted away on a current of pleasure.

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I Stared at the Teeth in my Palm

by jenMandatory Festivity Alert! Each year during the thick of the winter holidays, we search out seasonally appropriate sources for our Stichomancy Writing Prompts. This year, we’ve chosen to pull random lines from that 1964 Rankin/Bass stop-motion classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Off we go to the North Pole!

  • I’d like to be a dentist.
  • better known as the North Pole
  • I’m cute! I’m cute! She said I’m cute!
  • square wheels on your caboose
  • you’ll go down in history

Tune in next time part 653      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I stared at the teeth in my palm. “I used to think I’d like to be a dentist.” I dropped the horrible little things into a vase on Dr Ferguson’s mantel. “Right now I’m happy I’m not.”

“Stop stalling and put on the uniform,” Dr Ferguson ordered. “My orders are to start our encounter with Position #34.”

Position #34 is better known as the North Pole Vaulter, and that at least meant she’d be doing most of the work. I doffed my makeshift toga and stepped into the awful, scratchy pants. My copious body hair protruded through the crochet holes in a very unappealing fashion.

“Well don’t you look cute?” Dr Ferguson tried to suppress a laugh.

I feigned enthusiasm. “I’m cute! I’m cute! She said I’m cute!”

“Stop bellyaching and choose your slug.” She handed me the tray and finally took her coat off. She was naked underneath. After folding her coat into a neat square, she turned and placed it on the coffee table, and I spotted an unexpected tattoo.

“What’s with those square wheels on your caboose?” I asked.

“They were a gift from Chartreuse’s brother Deuce.”

“Deuce Pamplemousse? The disco artist?”

She nodded. “That’s who the third slug is for.”

I froze, even though I was standing practically in the fire. Dr Ferguson erupted in laughter. “I’m just kidding. He’s only here musically.” She tapped her phone, and hidden speakers in the rafters started pumping out the driving disco beat of “Hop on My Caboose.”

“Then who is the third slug for?”

“You! One for me, two for you. After tonight you’ll go down in history as the first person to use two icicle slugs at the same time!” She snapped on a latex glove and scooped up a pair of clear gastropods. “Well, maybe not history, but in the organization’s files anyway.

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Icicle Slugs

  • by jengrueling toll on the mind and body
  • I clenched my teeth
  • Until then, I’m not interested.
  • does not give a fuck
  • spit two teeth into my hand

Tune in next time part 651      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Icicle slugs. Why did it have to be icicle slugs?

A life like mine takes a grueling toll on the mind and body, a grueling toll that my education at the Academy prepared me for. Mostly. I clenched my teeth as the shimmeringly see-through slugs oozed across Dr Ferguson’s tray, leaving slimy, crisscrossing trails.

“Don’t tell me you’ve fallen for the hype,” I said. “They don’t enhance the sexual experience anywhere near as much as people claim.” Truth was, they did, and I didn’t think I had the energy for it after my honeymoon with Hildegard. And why were there three of them? One for me, one for Dr Ferguson, and one for whom exactly? “Get rid of them. Until then, I’m not interested.”

Dr Ferguson said, “We work for an organization that does not give a fuck about whether you’re interested, or whether I’m interested. They warned me that you might try to weasel out of it.”

“I work for no organization,” I said.

Dr Ferguson balanced her slug tray on her fingertips, crossed to me where I stood by the fire, and spit two teeth into my hand. They weren’t my teeth (I knew from having so recently clenched them), and they weren’t hers either.

I looked up from those blood-stained molars, understanding dawning. “Oh,” I said. “That organization.”

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YoYo Licked My Ear As She Whispered

  • by Kentrespecting the number one rule of threesomes
  • obviously not equipped with bidets
  • wearing a fedora and a cape
  • the pizza released spores
  • pointed out the inappropriateness of licking a co-worker

Tune in next time part 446      Click Here for Earlier Installments

YoYo licked my ear as she whispered a few hints about the playtime ideas she and Yesterday had come up with. Having so recently heard William’s far less enthusiastic but quite similar proposition, I wondered if any of these people would be respecting the number one rule of threesomes, or if I could just sic them on each other and slip away into the mountains. YoYo batted her lashes, then her breath was on my ear again as she mentioned what she wanted me to watch her do to Yesterday.

I mean, running off and hiding in the mountains would be desertion of duty. Not to mention those mountains were cold and windy and obviously not equipped with bidets. I told YoYo that I was heading to my quarters, unsure whether she was going to follow me or show up later or think I wanted to be alone, and unsure which result I hoped for.

She must have known a shortcut through the fortress because she was waiting for me under my blankets when I got to my room. I shut the door behind me, trying to decide what I should say. There was a knock before I could speak, and when I opened the door again I saw William Penn XII wearing a fedora and a cape and holding a pizza box. Wearing only a fedora and a cape.

“I believe you ordered the special,” he said with a leer. “Extra sausage and purple ranger mushrooms.” He swirled past me into the room and fell to one knee, raising the lid of the box and presenting it to YoYo. “Darling, would you care for a slice?”

“Um, okay,” YoYo said.

William stood up, looking all around. “Where is Yesterday?”

“Wait, did you say purple ranger mushrooms?” Indeed he had. Even as I spoke, the pizza released spores from the aphrodisiac fungus. “Are those safe during pregnancy?” We all looked at each other and shrugged. I was the only one wearing clothes in any meaningful sense, so I shed them as quickly as I could before William and YoYo could get too much of a head start. Soon we were all in the bed in a tangle, and YoYo’s green lipstick was simply everywhere, and I hoped that this wouldn’t be the moment someone pointed out the inappropriateness of licking a co-worker.

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