Tagged: zeppelin

Fleur Landed In A Heap

  • by Kentjewel-encrusted skeletons
  • ominous uranium chandelier
  • comfortable in her sequined caftan.
  • with his feet in her face
  • pyramid of liquor bottles

Tune in next time part 754      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur landed in a heap at my feet. I set the infants down next to her and patted her cheeks. “What was it?” I asked. “What happened with Zeus Pamplemousse?” I knew the man had to have some jewel-encrusted skeletons in his closet. And probably an ominous uranium chandelier in his dining room. I wanted ammunition, and it sounded like Fleur could supply it, if only I could wait around until she snapped out of this swoon.

The babies began crying. I definitely didn’t have time to soothe them, to settle the boy with his favorite live feed of the action at the dog track, and make the girl comfortable in her sequined caftan. All I could spare time for was repositioning them with his feet in her face and her elbows on his kneecaps. It wouldn’t keep them quiet for long, but that would be Fleur’s problem until Isolde returned.

I sprinted down the corridor, pulling on my shirt as I ran, which was why I didn’t notice the pyramid of liquor bottles until it was too late.

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If I had a Nickel

  • by jenhighly flammable-looking outfits
  • had a cousin reach out to me with a similar offer about some family secrets
  • Do you deny this?
  • honors bestowed upon me by three republics
  • jelly-like substance

Tune in next time part 753      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If I had a nickel for every time my happiness was derailed by villains in highly flammable-looking outfits, I would be a rich man. Zeus Pamplemousse thought he was so special in his cape of moon-velvet. He thought he could kidnap Tessa and blackmail her by threatening the life of her therapist? Not on my watch! I had a cousin reach out to me with a similar “offer” about some family secrets once upon a time, emphasis on “had.” I know how to deal with blackmailers. That particular cousin won’t be spilling any family secrets after all, if you catch my meaning. I leapt across the bed to fetch my uniform trousers. Nudists streaking through the corridors were not unheard of on Contrarian airships, but I am a general and have to project an aura of authority. It’s possible to do that naked, but it takes an awful lot of glaring and I was exhausted.

Fleur waddled out of the bathroom, a soggy infant on each hip. “Who am I braver than?”

“What?” I struggled with my zipper.

“I heard you tell someone quite emphatically that I am braver than they are. Do you deny this?”

“Of course not. I have had honors bestowed upon me by three republics, and I have the medals to prove it. I deny nothing.”

“So who am I braver than?” She was much more coherent than she’d been in the tub.

“Zeus Pamplemousse,” I muttered and headed for the door, shirt in hand.

“Zeus Pamplemousse is here?” Fleur’s face drained of color and her complexion resembled a jelly-like substance. Before she could faint, I snatched the babies from her arms. “I was so sure I’d never see him again after what happened last time.”

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I had Loved Tessa for Years

  • by jenby the time I reached my adolescence
  • just a feather duster for company
  • of hazy European origin
  • hands moving upwards
  • took turns holding crowns above their heads

Tune in next time part 749      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I had loved Tessa for years and years. By the time I reached my adolescence‘s midpoint I was infatuated with her, and the feeling had never fully abated. Never mind that she once locked me in the janitor’s closet with just a feather duster for company. Never mind that she’d kissed my brother, that she’d been engaged to John — perhaps still was! Never mind that I was married to Fleur (And Hildegard. And Chartreuse Pamplemousse.), and had an uncountable number of children, many of them with her sisters. Never mind all of it. Over the past few minutes I had become sure that this was the real Tessa, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Before the person in the corridor could enter my quarters, I leapt from the bed and flung the door open. I was counting on the element of surprise, and there was definitely a lot of it, I just didn’t expect to be the one who was most surprised.

“Put some pants on,” said Zeus Pamplemousse. “Or don’t.” He strode into my chamber like a magician taking the stage, his black velvet cloak swooshing dramatically. Tessa stared at him, openmouthed.

Everyone knew about Zeus Pamplemousse, but few people had ever met him. He first rose to fame (or infamy) when he participated in a ceremony of hazy European origin wherein he and his wife Blanchisseuse kept their hands moving upwards and downwards at all times, and took turns holding crowns above their heads, after which they declared themselves the sovereigns of the moon.

And now the Moon King — perhaps my father-in-law — was on my wife’s airship, and I was naked. This had to be a massive breach of protocol.

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I Climbed Out of the Bathtub

  • by jenShhh, don’t tell anyone!
  • the chirps and squeals that he makes
  • As a fan of miniatures
  • overcoming my frog phobia with hypnosis
  • The only thing he never changed was his shoes.

Tune in next time part 747      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I climbed out of the bathtub with Tessa in my arms and carried her into the bedroom. I shut the door behind us for a little privacy.

“Where are your clothes?” I asked. “You should get out of here before Isolde comes back. I’ll meet you later.”

Tessa shook her head. “I’m not going anywhere until I get what I came for.” She ran her hand down my still-dripping torso and gave me a gentle squeeze. “We’ll be quick. Shhh, don’t tell anyone!” She pushed me onto the bed.

In the bathroom I heard splashing and giggles as Fleur played with the infants. “Tessa…”

“That son of yours is quite a happy fellow. Just ignore the chirps and squeals that he makes.” I found her argument quite persuasive as she climbed on top of me. I still didn’t know whether this was the true Tessa, or one of the TSS-A units. If it was a robot, it was impeccably programmed to move just like my beloved. It also shared her penchant for awkwardly timed announcements. “As a fan of miniatures in general, I should find babies adorable, but they remind me so much of frogs.” This was said as she arched her back just so. “I’ve been overcoming my frog phobia with hypnosis, though, with the help of a very qualified therapist. Or I was anyway, before he went missing. He changed my mind about holding grudges, he changed my whole outlook on revenge. He changed so many things! The only thing he never changed was his shoes.” She gave an exultant cry and collapsed onto my chest. Her next words were muffled by my chest hair. “You can imagine how alarming it was when I arrived for my appointment and he wasn’t there, but his Birkenstocks were.” She sat up and looked me in the eye. “Tell me you’ll help me find him.”

Before I could even ask any questions about this mysterious therapist, I heard footsteps in the hall outside my door. Had Isolde returned so soon?

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When You Picture the Ensuite Bathroom

  • by jenone of those quiet, picturesque places
  • an unfettered clusterfuck
  • unless they hug me first
  • saving up for a pet snake
  • odd and possibly charming

Tune in next time part 745      Click Here for Earlier Installments

When you picture the ensuite bathroom of a General’s stateroom on a Royal Contrarian airship, I’m sure you envision one of those quiet, picturesque places full of bamboo and soothing colors where one can relax after a long day of Generalizing. Would that it were. My ensuite bathroom was about to host an unfettered clusterfuck if my wife discovered Tessa in the tub with us. Fleur and I have an understanding, but that only goes so far. I haven’t reviewed the paperwork in a while, but I’m pretty sure that I’m not supposed to have anyone else join us in the bathtub unless they hug me first and curtsey to her. Tessa had, in fact, thrown herself upon me with all the fervency of someone who’d spent years saving up for a pet snake only to arrive at the reptilarium on two-for-one day. That surely counted as a hug. But she had not curtsied to Fleur. Perhaps she could do so now? There was a chance Fleur would find the gesture odd and possibly charming enough to forgive the breach in etiquette. It might be our only chance, since it seemed she was never planning to exit the tub. It also might backfire spectacularly.

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Isolde Ignored Fleur’s Command

  • by jenThank god for vinyl upholstery.
  • time flows uphill
  • The same, of course, is true of bandits.
  • forced to eat snow
  • yelled what was obviously an insult

Tune in next time part 743      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Isolde ignored Fleur’s command and just stood in the bathroom doorway.

“Go! To! The! Bridge!” Fleur repeated, punctuating each word with a hearty splash of bathwater. “Take! Me! To! Prague!” Isolde dodged, and most of the water landed on my bedroom furniture. Thank god for vinyl upholstery.

Isolde finally said, “Fine!” and stomped away. She called back over her shoulder, “But you’ll regret it when you remember who lives in Prague these days!”

Fleur was quivering with indignation. While she seethed and grumbled about her sister’s insubordination, I signaled Tessa to get a quick breath of air. Hopefully I would be able to get my wife out of the tub before we reached the Czech Republic. Who knew how long the side-trip would take us? When you’re on a zeppelin time flows uphill, or so it seems. The same, of course, is true of bandits. On a zeppelin, bandits always flow uphill. But you knew that.

“Regret!” Fleur cried belatedly. “Regret! We’ll see who has regrets, dear sister, when you’re forced to eat snow!” And then she yelled what was obviously an insult.

“Maybe you should go with her and make sure she tells the pilot the correct thing,” I said, while wondering who Isolde had been talking about. Who, exactly, lives in Prague these days?

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“Perhaps They Have More Camembert”

  • by jenMy shaman and I
  • Since being bludgeoned by the octopus
  • not, however, universally popular among actual rappers
  • “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
  • with a plaster cast of her dead husband’s hand

Tune in next time part 741      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Perhaps they have more camembert in the galley,” I said as calmly as I could. I tried to arrange the babies above water and my legs underwater to thwart Fleur’s probing hands. The last thing I needed was for her to find Tessa now.

“My shaman and Isolde both told me today would be a good day,” Fleur pouted. “Since being bludgeoned by the octopus at the zamboni entrance is a good omen, I believed them. Like a fool.” She stared into my eyes and said forlornly, “The magic camembert is gone. Jason ate all of it but that one last piece.”

I should have foreseen that. THC-laced cheeses are hot on the wedding rap circuit, even if they are not, however, universally popular among actual rappers. “Is Jason still aboard?” I asked. “You could have him searched for any cheese he might be smuggling.”

“No,” Fleur said. “When I wouldn’t let him have that last wedge, he said, ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home.’ and strapped on a parachute.”

I was desperate to get the sisters out of my bathroom so I could get Tessa out of my bathtub. I was so desperate that I decided to lie. “On my rounds earlier I saw a cheese hamper under the portrait of your grandmother. You know, the one with a plaster cast of her dead husband’s hand on top of her head.”

“Her coronation portrait?” Fleur was intrigued. The drugs in her system were working in my favor. “I’ll send someone to check.”

“Don’t you think you had better go yourself? You don’t want anyone else to bogart it. Isolde can go with you to help you carry it. It looked like an awfully heavy cheese hamper.”

My gorgeous sister-in-law cocked one eyebrow at me. Perhaps I’d pushed things too far.

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“Surely Your Show Didn’t Do Worse”

  • by jenwhen you punch a comet
  • knitting at a fast and skilled pace
  • Perhaps it’s a signature talisman
  • “With an accent like that I’ll believe anything he tells me.”
  • filled with snow and lumps of ice

Tune in next time part 739      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Surely your show didn’t do worse than When You Punch a Comet,” I said. That was the worst performing program in Contrarian television history, which is saying a lot. Contraria’s space program was nowhere near ready to send boxers into orbit, and the whole thing had been a big snore. Just an endless succession of training montages interspersed with footage of old women knitting at a fast and skilled pace as they raced to complete the spacesuit prototypes. One of the boxers carried around a goat bone. Perhaps it’s a signature talisman for his family, I don’t know. But it was very off-putting. None of the trainers would work with him. Fleur and Isolde’s father, the Warlord of Contraria, was ready to fund a second season until the head of NASA talked him out of it. The Warlord said, “With an accent like that I’ll believe anything he tells me.” (He had a weird thing for Americans.) “And he tells me not to waste my money, so there you go.” In the finale, the boxers did not go to space, which was a good thing because they would undoubtedly have died in their knitwear spacesuits. Instead of a comet with its icy tail, they punched a giant plastic bag filled with snow and lumps of ice.

“That was Harry’s favorite show,” Isolde said with a shake of her head.

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Being A Father Wasn’t My Life’s Dream

  • by jenbarreled into fatherhood
  • collecting the frog juices
  • slobbering over himself
  • good old-fashioned jealousy
  • got engaged two weeks after her sister

Tune in next time part 737      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Being a father wasn’t my life’s dream. I’d always had a take-it-or-leave-it attitude about kids, and yet I barreled into fatherhood with such reckless abandon I had no idea whether this baby in the adorable little gold booties was one of mine.

Fleur lifted the infant she held out of the water with one hand and patted its diaper with the other. “Good thing he’s got this collecting the frog juices.” She chuckled. She was more stoned than I’d ever seen her.

The baby in my lap was slobbering over himself, fist crammed in his mouth. “Better slow down on the cheese, Fleur, or soon you’ll be drooling like this little guy.”

As I expected, this made her immediately reach for the cheese. While she was distracted I signaled to Tessa that she could come up for air.

“What is Isolde doing here?” she demanded in a whisper. If I didn’t know better I’d think my sweetie was suffering from good old-fashioned jealousy. Strange that it wasn’t my wife that brought it out in her, but my sister-in-law. But then I remembered that Tessa and John got engaged two weeks after her sister Tallulah married my brother Thor, which made her my sister-in-law. Was my sister-in-law’s sister also my sister-in-law?

I shook my head to clear it. I hadn’t even eaten any of the camembert and I was still getting fucked up just being near it.

I heard Isolde returning, presumably with towels.

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The Last Time I Saw Isolde

  • by jenlantern-jawed hero
  • vinyl purse full of Jell-O
  • brought these two miscreants aboard
  • leprechauns are land-based organisms
  • make him look and sound positively ridiculous and dainty beyond belief

Tune in next time part 735      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The last time I saw Isolde was at Enigma Fortress, right after she’d given birth to a large number of babies. I never did manage to get an accurate count before I had to leave my post to venture into the caves beneath it. If she didn’t know who these children’s father was, they must not be from that magnificent brood we’d somehow created together. But she was right, they were probably mine. I wondered who their mother was.

Isolde sighed in frustration. “Act like the lantern-jawed hero and answer me! Don’t just sit there like a vinyl purse full of Jell-O. Time is of the essence. I didn’t see who brought these two miscreants aboard the zeppelin. I think they might be spies.”

“Spies?” I cried. “That’s ridiculous. They look barely old enough to walk.”

“I’ll just put them in the tub and we’ll see. If they float, then they must be leprechauns, and are therefore spies disguised as babies.”

“Hang on, hang on!” I said. This bathtub was crowded enough already. “First of all, leprechauns are land-based organisms. And second, what if they don’t float? I can’t let you try to drown innocent babies.”

Isolde shook her head and addressed her sister. “Fleur, I can’t believe your husband. His bizarre opinions and all the bubbles make him look and sound positively ridiculous and dainty beyond belief.”

Fleur just chuckled and licked the cheese.

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