• within the limits of safety and sanity, obviously
• teach a monkey to change another monkey’s diapers
• “here’s my cod”
• official Duchess-wear
• wouldn’t have thought a row of buttons in that spot would cause problems

Tune in next time part 710      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I gave myself over to the Dew-fugue. This song did not lie within the limits of safety and sanity, obviously, but it was my duty to perform it. When facing such challenges, I cast my mind back to my sophomore project, when I had to teach a monkey to change another monkey’s diapers. Nothing seems impossible anymore.

The rendition of my career told in the song was surprisingly accurate, although it portrayed me as something of a punster. If I hadn’t been under the influence of that glowing green beverage, I might have balked at the line where I supposedly told someone “here’s my cod” and handed over a fish as identification. Other details I couldn’t be sure weren’t true. Perhaps that disguise I once donned really was official Duchess-wear.

At last I swung into the climactic verse.

“My rank is elevated to the apex of the echelon
Luck or nepotism or find something else to blame it on
Among the snowy mountaintops my fortress was indomitable
The caves below it teemed with hordes of snowmen most abominable
It’s now my job to be in charge of comedy battalions
I take my soup with pepper and my omelets with scallions
Although I’m brave this number has me shaking in my epaulets
I never in my life before have seen so many wedding guests”

The crowd took over for the next line.
(he never in his life before has seen so many wedding guests, he never in his life before has seen so many wedding guests, he never in his life before has seen so many wedding wedding guests!)

And the big finale:
“In short in matters tactical or cryptozoological,
I am the very model of a Contrarian General!”

While I was still taking my bows, Fleur hauled me offstage. “There’s a situation,” she hissed. “We have to keep people from panicking, but it seems the engines lost power during your song. Somebody seems to have entered a special sequence that shut them down.” She pointed to a line of blinking red lights embedded in a tile on the dance floor, shaking her head. “I wouldn’t have thought a row of buttons in that spot would cause problems.”

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