Tagged: mime

The Nearest Exit was Behind Us

  • by jenadorable doofuses
  • his second home in the mountains
  • When he was drunk,
  • to be eaten with one hand
  • riding a wave of adrenaline together

Tune in next time part 819      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The nearest exit was behind us, past the unconscious Julien, and back through the Gauntlet of Brazen Hussies. The three of us held hands and ran through, riding a wave of adrenaline together. I slammed and locked the door, hoping it would slow Julien down when he inevitably woke. We were in the food court, near the churro stand, and I was ravenous, having eaten only pickles all day. Contrarian churros are intended to be eaten with one hand. I ordered two because I have two hands and I really like churros. When he was drunk, Jim tended to need two hands to guide pastries to his mouth, but he hadn’t been in the pickle chapel and seemed pretty sober at the moment, so I risked it and ordered two for him as well, and two for Tessa. The churromonger smiled like he would finally be able to afford his second home in the mountains, the one he’d always dreamed of.

Jim and I bit into our churros simultaneously. Tessa shook her head and called us adorable doofuses. Our happy mood didn’t last though, because the tannoy crackled to life and Fleur’s voice made an announcement.

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A Moment Of Clarity

  • by Kenttastes like sock dirt
  • one thing I absolutely hate in relationships is banal chitchat
  • his very fancy castle
  • lick peanut butter off your nipples
  • It’s a tax thing.

Tune in next time part 818      Click Here for Earlier Installments

A moment of clarity came over me. I realized that Petit Julien was never going to stop chasing us as long as we were running away. The dynamics of the situation would have to change. And then I saw what I had to do. Sometimes you take your medicine, even if it tastes like sock dirt, and this was one of those times.

I stopped winking and turned to face the menacing mega-mime. I let him close the distance between us, dimly aware that Jim and Tessa were shrieking at me to move. When Petit Julien was only a dozen strides away, I directed my gaze at the hideous statuary. I silently acted out my terror at the sight of those forms, using the art of mime against their king.

It worked. Petit Julien couldn’t miss a cue, so he did a dutiful double-take as if noticing the nightmare sculptures for the first time. Maybe he was. But what he didn’t count on was the illusion of movement that those statues possessed. He dramatically passed out from fright, keeling over on the spot.

I rejoined my companions, dusting off my hands. Jim asked, “Are there lady mimes? Cuz one thing I absolutely hate in relationships is banal chitchat, which I reckon wouldn’t be much of a problem with a mime.”

“You should set up a dating profile,” Tessa told him. “Your bio would say you’re a mad poet who lives all alone in his very fancy castle and needs a companion.”

“Uh-huh,” Jim said, nodding. “Come for a visit and I’ll lick peanut butter off your nipples. But you can’t make a sound! It’s a tax thing.”

“We should not be here when Petit Julien comes to,” I said. “Let’s find the nearest exit.”

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Frantically Winking Only Did So Much

  • by jenthe ancient experiment of pinching
  • back to the Gauntlet of Brazen Hussies
  • no idea how much blood
  • my impression of Ben Affleck
  • could not be expected to evince surprise at *anything* that was done at the funeral

Tune in next time part 817      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Frantically winking only did so much to mitigate the horror of being surrounded by my nightmares. If only the ancient experiment of pinching oneself would awaken me! In a moment of weakness I glanced back to the Gauntlet of Brazen Hussies we’d just traversed, and saw Petit Julien enter the sculpture garden.

You have no idea how much blood was spilled while I perfected my impression of Ben Affleck, but it was a lot, and even so it was nothing compared to the blood spilled by the monstrous mime. Tessa once told me about his ruthless rise to leadership of the White Faces, and how he trapped his rivals in an invisible box, cut off their oxygen supply, then insisted on the same invisible box being used as their joint coffin. After hearing that much, you could not be expected to evince surprise at *anything* that was done at the funeral, but in the name of decorum, I’ll spare you the details.

Huge and hulking, with the ground bones of his enemies smeared on his cheeks, Petit Julien barreled toward us and pantomimed yelling Tessa’s name like a lovesick beau running through the airport after his departing lover. I had the distinct impression that there was something about Tessa’s relationship with Julien that she had never told me.

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The Pirate Ship Descended from the Stage Rigging

  • by jenno regrets at all
  • dude must have extremely strong butt muscles
  • all while looking incredibly handsome
  • friends don’t let friends have mullets
  • the phrase “mild sexual shenanigans”

Tune in next time part 815      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The pirate ship descended from the stage rigging, festooned with sock pirates, and I could tell by the smile on Jim’s face that he had no regrets at all about raiding the zeppelin’s laundry when he built the prop.

I risked a glance at Petit Julien, who was still engaged in the mime classic, Bumping Enormous Hotdogs with One’s Derriere. I signaled to Jim, “That dude must have extremely strong butt muscles.”

Jim lit the fuses on the pirate ship’s cannons, recited the next few lines of the play in his southern-fried slavic accent, and signaled that on our cue, Tessa and I should sneak out the side door, all while looking incredibly handsome. I asked him once what his secret was and all he told me, with a wink, was that friends don’t let friends have mullets.

Just as the first sock-cannon boomed, Jim said the phrase “mild sexual shenanigans”, which was our cue. I gripped Tessa’s hand and we darted for the door, with Jim right behind.

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Jim Waved To Me

  • by Kentthe circlet of gold which marked her
  • his old pinched-up hat
  • used as a decoy
  • “Wow!” I said when it arrived. “I didn’t expect it to be so big.”
  • And we all know how that turned out.

Tune in next time part 814      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jim waved to me, or rather the puppet on his right hand did. She wore the blue gown and the circlet of gold which marked her as Princess Toejam. I suddenly realized how apt it was to do this particular play with sock puppets. On Jim’s left hand was the Earl of Stretchknit, complete with his old pinched-up hat.

The princess wasn’t merely waving, she was signaling. Jim was using her to send me a message. His technique was poor, like even in hand signals he had a silly accent. The gist of what he was saying seemed to be that help was on the way, that he’d called for something to be sent here that could be used as a decoy. I signaled back, saying, “I hope it gets here soon.” Jim replied that I should be patient, and I said Petit Julien was setting the timetables here and we needed to move quicker. Conversing in this way helped keep either of us from falling back under the Mime King’s spell, and also made the time while I waited for Jim’s delivery seem to go faster.

“Wow!” I said when it arrived. “I didn’t expect it to be so big.”

The item in question was a pirate vessel, crewed by socks of course, and unmistakably intended to symbolize the key naval engagement of the last Mime-Pirate War. And we all know how that turned out.

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At Petit Julien’s Entrance

  • by Kentexhilarating hipness
  • the world maps and the blueprints
  • two 12-foot-high anthropomorphic hotdogs
  • butting against them with his rear end
  • also the name of his dog

Tune in next time part 812      Click Here for Earlier Installments

At Petit Julien’s entrance, the entire audience surged to its feet, and all three of the people attending Jim’s play clapped ecstatically, overwhelmed by the exhilarating hipness of being in the presence of the Mime King. These same people would be less thrilled about the situation if they had ever seen what was tacked up to the walls of Mime HQ: the world maps and the blueprints for doomsday devices that never speak a word.

But their foolish fawning was, for us, fortuitous, because Petit Julien can’t resist performing before an appreciative crowd. And, per the idiom, three people qualifies. It was imperative that we make our getaway while he was distracted, but I couldn’t abandon Jim. I tried to subtly draw him down from the stage without breaking Petit Julien’s mime-fugue. Despite myself I was enthralled by what he conveyed. I could really imagine that he was having an altercation with two 12-foot-high anthropomorphic hotdogs, butting against them with his rear end to drive them over a precipice. At least, I chose to believe that was what he was acting out.

Jim was even more mesmerized by the Mime King, too far gone to ever notice my subtle hand signals. I cleared my throat, but he ignored that too. Finally I stage-whispered, “James,” not so much on the basis that using his formal name would get his attention as in the hopes that he would feel puzzlement and concern, because James was also the name of his dog.

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Apart From the Man in the Front Row

  • by jendressed in an all-black suit
  • suede and velvet
  • and tenacity and
  • cutest earmuffs he’s ever seen
  • make this videoconference party special

Tune in next time part 811      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Apart from the man in the front row who’d demanded to know my identity, there were only two other people attending Jim’s pornographic sock puppet show. I didn’t recognize them. On stage, Jim was dressed in an all-black suit as puppeteers often are, but his suit was made of suede and velvet and tenacity and snakeskin. On his head were what he calls the cutest earmuffs he’s ever seen. They’re shaped like penguins, and I have to admit they are adorable. Jim adopted a squeaky voice for the female sock puppet and said, still with his southern-tinged slavic accent, “Tonight we make this videoconference party specialest videoconference party ever, da?”

Tessa and I smirked at each other. That was the start of the raunchiest part of the show. Before it could really get good, though, the door behind us slammed open and an irate Petit Julien lurched into the puppet theater.

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I was in the Same Airborne Dinner Theater as Petit Julien

  • by jenmade with real human bones
  • everyone acted like you’d pooped on the floor
  • assortment of exotic jerkies
  • while grunting like a zombie
  • (and in denial)

Tune in next time part 809      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I was in the same airborne dinner theater as Petit Julien, the most dangerous mime in the world, (and in denial). All I wanted was to have a few peaceful hours alone with Tessa, the woman I loved, but our lives were too complicated for even that simple pleasure. Tessa had commandeered the theater’s sound system and was blasting Deuce Pamplemousse’s disco anthem Hop on My Caboose in what I hoped was an effort at distracting the deranged mime. Her attempt was moderately successful. While grunting like a zombie, swaying his hips, and occasionally thrusting one finger to the sky, Julien was still lurching toward me. Hearing a mime of such high calibre making any noise at all was as unexpected as finding an assortment of exotic jerkies in a vegetarian buffet. Mimes are mercilessly shamed into silence early in their schooling. If you so much as sneezed, everyone acted like you’d pooped on the floor.

The audience seemed baffled, and the actors on stage opted to wing it and pretend this was part of the show. I wished them luck as Tessa exited the control booth and the two of us ducked out the back door. I didn’t know what would happen when the song ended, but I did know that Julien had a secret recipe for his white face paint. It was made with real human bones ground into a powder and mixed with petroleum jelly. Contrarian thespians are made of stern stuff, but I wasn’t sure they were up for this particular adversary.

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“Don’t Look Now, Enzo”

  • by jenburly man with a thick neck
  • appears to be a sequined ballgown
  • fondness for partying, drinking, and womanizing
  • photographic evidence of the handholding toilet experience
  • they had a civil marriage

Tune in next time part 807      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Don’t look now, Enzo,” I whispered, “but there’s a burly man with a thick neck creeping up behind you. He’s wearing what appears to be a sequined ballgown.”

She whispered back, “It sounds like he’s the sort of guy who has a fondness for partying, drinking, and womanizing.”

This was a game we played, our own variation on What’s Their Story. Only everything we said was in code, so that we could relay important information to each other without anyone becoming suspicious.

I nodded. “I think he’s a salesman for Hizzenherrs Toilets, and always carries photographic evidence of the handholding toilet experience they try to promote.”

Her eyes went wide. “His parents founded the company. They liked to poop together because they had a civil marriage. Their motto was ‘Never go to the bathroom angry.'”

If that were true, it was worse than I thought, and the man sneaking up behind her wasn’t just any old mime. He was the most ruthless mime of them all, their king, Petit Julien.

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“What Happened to Timmuth-A Through Timmuth-D?”

  • by jenno easier way to put someone in a box
  • gently inserting the tines around the circumference
  • on a gondola in Venice
  • drinking mimosas in secret
  • the Aztec twelve-step

Tune in next time part 787      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“What happened to Timmuth-A through Timmuth-D?” I asked, knowing it wouldn’t be pretty. Mimes are ruthless.

“There’s no easier way to put someone in a box and get them to stay there than to kill them.” Tessa looked haunted. “At least that’s what Timmuth-E said.” She’d picked up the pickle skewer and was gently inserting the tines around the circumference of the kosher dill she’d been nibbling on.

“That’s pretty dark,” I said. “I wasn’t expecting you to say they were all on a gondola in Venice, drinking mimosas in secret or anything, but, shit, man. Mimes.”

Tessa nodded solemnly. “Mimes are the worst.”

“Except Timmuth-E helped you escape…”

“No he didn’t. He slipped up and spilled some intel he shouldn’t have, that’s all.”

“What was it?”

She looked me dead in the eye and said something that took my breath away. “He taught me the twelfth and final step of the Aztec twelve-step.”

I couldn’t believe it. “You mean…”

She nodded and threw back another bite of pickle.

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