Performance Review

At the beginning of each year we try to map out what we hope to accomplish with our writing in the following 12 months, and in December we look back and see how we did. And, seeing as how it’s mid-December, it’s that time again.

Way back in January we set two main goals for 2022: writing As Yet Untitled Ghost Novel #1, and taking a trip to Europe. Break out the champagne, because we did both of those things!

We didn’t finish Book 1, but we got a lot accomplished. Nearly 85,000 words! For a lot of stories that would be enough to tell the whole tale, but not for good old As Yet Untitled Ghost Novel #1. This bad boy is going to be quite hefty. As for the sub-prediction that most of our work would take place in the Primary Writing Cave, we totally blew that one. The lure of the Auxiliary Cave’s fireplace was too strong. We worked downstairs almost exclusively, well into spring, and started up again as soon as the air got crisp. Call us spoiled.

So spoiled that we managed to sneak in a quick trip to Bermuda in addition to our long-delayed European escape. See, the Europe trip was originally scheduled for March of 2020, and we all remember what happened in March of 2020. We postponed our big getaway several times before it finally happened. It was totally worth the wait. We had a fabulous, exhausting time. And we didn’t even get covid! Thanks omicron booster! We’ll post more about it later, but here’s a taste to whet your appetite.

Belogradchik Fortress, Bulgaria

In summary, we would rate our performance as Meets Expectations. We’re chugging along, not sailing. A good writing partner is one who likes to enjoy the view with you, no matter what speed you’re going.

If Zeus Knew Tessa

  • by Kenttying it up in a knot
  • the already beyond-capacity temple
  • interrupted mid-coitus by another guest
  • an unofficial or unspoken understanding about extramarital affairs
  • dreamed up by robots

Tune in next time part 756      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If Zeus knew Tessa the way I did, he would have realized that he couldn’t have made her less likely to say his precious word by grabbing her tongue and tying it up in a knot. My biggest fear was that he might think the key to success would involve adding yet more candles to the already beyond-capacity temple.

“Pamplemousse!” I yelled. When he looked in my direction, he wore the kind of peevish expression I would expect from someone at an orgy who’d been interrupted mid-coitus by another guest asking if the club validates parking. I smirked right back at him. “I assume you and Blanchisseuse have an unofficial or unspoken understanding about extramarital affairs, but trust me when I tell you that such agreements don’t hold up well when it comes to bigamy.”

“You’re so deluded,” he snarled at me, “with your quaint notions of romantic love…” He turned and pressed his own massive face right into Tessa’s. “Notions dreamed up by robots.”

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From the Way the Liquor Bottles were Arranged

  • by jenI’ve never managed a gas station, but
  • create an extraordinary hybrid
  • a little squiggle, like a flourish
  • “My brain is huge.”
  • holding our hearts together

Tune in next time part 755      Click Here for Earlier Installments

From the way the liquor bottles were arranged (before I hurtled into them), I knew they’d been stacked by Jason. I’ve never managed a gas station, but my twin has, and he was very proud of the window displays he built from elaborate pyramids of various car maintenance fluids. Windshield washer fluid and STP should never be mixed, but in the hands of my brother, their bottles create an extraordinary hybrid architectural monument to the internal combustion engine, and these flasks of artisanal tequila and jugs of cheap vodka melded into a similar celebration of raw beauty. As I careened through them I felt in my chest a little squiggle, like a flourish of guilt at the destruction of such a glorious construct. I also felt a throbbing in my ears from the outrageous noise of all those bottles ricocheting around the airship’s corridor. Somehow, though, my cacophony had not alerted Zeus Pamplemousse to my approach. From around the corner I heard him say, “My brain is huge.” The way his voice resonated, I knew he was entering the chapel where my mother had so recently wed John. I ran faster, determined to interrupt whatever foul ceremony the Moon King had planned with my darling Tessa. I burst through the doors to see Zeus Pamplemousse standing at the altar with Tessa struggling in his arms. She was still bundled inside his black cape of highly flammable moon velvet. There were so many candles in the room, I was terrified. Zeus Pamplemousse said, “And thus, holding our hearts together like so…” He pulled Tessa against his barrel chest. “Through my powers as King of the Moon, I pronounce us married. Say the word, Tessa! Say the word! You are my wife and I command it!”

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Closing Out the Books on 2022 (Well, the Blog Anyway)

It’s time once again for our Blog Year in Review wherein we review what we talked about on the blog all year. It’s such a difficult concept, we’re sure you all appreciate the explanation. We just finished rereading several years’ worth of Chain Story posts, so this fits right in.

Reviewing what was on our minds throughout the year is a really nice way for us to remind ourselves of the progress we’ve made on our various projects, so here we go.

We started off the year trying to prepare ourselves for the dive into a new project that we’d spent the majority of 2021 planning out. January saw us fretting about writing again for the first time in a long time, and putting off the writing a bit longer by drawing maps.

By February we had run out of excuses, and at long last put our fingers to the keyboard (not to brag or anything, but we actually have two keyboards :o ). Between debates about how prevalent we wanted the ghosts to be in our ghost story, we spent our free time watching movies and reading books about the supernatural.

March had us in the thick of writing, but still early enough in the project to still be working out details about the flavor we were going for. How much sex would be on the page, and how graphic would it be?  How are we going to handle all the swears? Are our characters potty-mouths, or prim and proper olde timey gentlefolk? How large are our ghosts? So many questions.

April brought our first roadtrip of the year, which of course meant brainstorming, which led us to uncovering a truly appalling event in the backstory of a couple of characters. Even now it makes us shudder. We also gave a quick rundown of our daily work habits, and talked a bit about that old bugbear, continuity

In May we were concerned about pacing, and the agonies of titling. Fun Fact: when you have four books, you need four titles! <<insert The More You Know shooting star>>

Throughout June we were getting to know our characters better, rhapsodizing about our process, and dropping tantalizing hints about our plot through talking about our research topics.

In July we offered some advice about making sure your (non-psychic) characters aren’t precognitive about their fates. Jen had a new batch of stubs in the oven, and we warned of the perils of not sticking to your writing schedule.

It’s really hot in Bermuda in August, but that didn’t stop us from visiting and having a great time. Check out the pictures — they’re real pretty! Kent ran out of stubs before Jen finished the new batch, so he spent some time working on the prose outline for Untitled Ghost Novel #2, but then Jen finished and we both jumped back into writing. Whew!

When you plot out four books at once, you end up with some contradictory notes. In September we talked about dealing with that, as well as our Writing Cave renovations, and gave some advice about critiquing other people’s work.

Every once in a while Kent gets in his feelings about writing advice and how most people do it wrong. We worked through some of that in October.

Exhausted from that, we went in a different direction in November, revising the ancillary materials for our chain story. Jen started writing more new stubs, and then we were attacked by turkeys and pies and all meaningful work stopped for a while.

Which brings us to December, which is Now for those of you keeping track at home. We swept our guests and their pets out the door and have just a few short weeks until they come back again and our productivity plummets. We’ve crept back into the Auxiliary Writing Cave to try to put this time to good use (while basking in the warmth of the fireplace). It’s going slowly, but it is going.

The best writing partner the one you still want to cuddle with after deciding together that your characters did indeed do *that.*

Fleur Landed In A Heap

  • by Kentjewel-encrusted skeletons
  • ominous uranium chandelier
  • comfortable in her sequined caftan.
  • with his feet in her face
  • pyramid of liquor bottles

Tune in next time part 754      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur landed in a heap at my feet. I set the infants down next to her and patted her cheeks. “What was it?” I asked. “What happened with Zeus Pamplemousse?” I knew the man had to have some jewel-encrusted skeletons in his closet. And probably an ominous uranium chandelier in his dining room. I wanted ammunition, and it sounded like Fleur could supply it, if only I could wait around until she snapped out of this swoon.

The babies began crying. I definitely didn’t have time to soothe them, to settle the boy with his favorite live feed of the action at the dog track, and make the girl comfortable in her sequined caftan. All I could spare time for was repositioning them with his feet in her face and her elbows on his kneecaps. It wouldn’t keep them quiet for long, but that would be Fleur’s problem until Isolde returned.

I sprinted down the corridor, pulling on my shirt as I ran, which was why I didn’t notice the pyramid of liquor bottles until it was too late.

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If I had a Nickel

  • by jenhighly flammable-looking outfits
  • had a cousin reach out to me with a similar offer about some family secrets
  • Do you deny this?
  • honors bestowed upon me by three republics
  • jelly-like substance

Tune in next time part 753      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If I had a nickel for every time my happiness was derailed by villains in highly flammable-looking outfits, I would be a rich man. Zeus Pamplemousse thought he was so special in his cape of moon-velvet. He thought he could kidnap Tessa and blackmail her by threatening the life of her therapist? Not on my watch! I had a cousin reach out to me with a similar “offer” about some family secrets once upon a time, emphasis on “had.” I know how to deal with blackmailers. That particular cousin won’t be spilling any family secrets after all, if you catch my meaning. I leapt across the bed to fetch my uniform trousers. Nudists streaking through the corridors were not unheard of on Contrarian airships, but I am a general and have to project an aura of authority. It’s possible to do that naked, but it takes an awful lot of glaring and I was exhausted.

Fleur waddled out of the bathroom, a soggy infant on each hip. “Who am I braver than?”

“What?” I struggled with my zipper.

“I heard you tell someone quite emphatically that I am braver than they are. Do you deny this?”

“Of course not. I have had honors bestowed upon me by three republics, and I have the medals to prove it. I deny nothing.”

“So who am I braver than?” She was much more coherent than she’d been in the tub.

“Zeus Pamplemousse,” I muttered and headed for the door, shirt in hand.

“Zeus Pamplemousse is here?” Fleur’s face drained of color and her complexion resembled a jelly-like substance. Before she could faint, I snatched the babies from her arms. “I was so sure I’d never see him again after what happened last time.”

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Not A Keyboard Was Stirring, Nor Even A Mouse

Recently, we posted about our ambitious plans for holiday-season productivity. And we’re sure you’ve been holding your collective breath awaiting news about how it’s going.

Well. We have made some progress, but not like we were hoping. Our weekends and evenings just seem to evaporate lately. Weird.

A writing partner is someone to keep you company in a turkey-coma.

There Were A Lot Of Rumors

  • by Kentrelentless stalking paid off and she agreed to marry him
  • that seemed strange
  • the naughty dog groomer
  • scraped off the rhino skulls
  • done this in a ski mask just as effectively

Tune in next time part 752      Click Here for Earlier Installments

There were a lot of rumors — legends, really — about Zeus Pamplemousse, but few hard facts to be had. Even less was known about his wife, Blanchisseuse. The generally accepted narrative of their courtship was that his relentless stalking paid off and she agreed to marry him eventually. It was a rather banal tale that seemed strange next to the outlandish exploits (for example, outpranking the naughty dog groomer) that populated every other chapter of the Pamplemousse saga.

What could this magic word be? Why did it have to come from my beloved’s tongue? Instinct told me that it had something to do with his marriage, and that the truth about their union was surely just as surreal as the rest of this man’s life.

Tessa posed defiantly behind the scant silk pocket square. “Go away, Zeus Pamplemousse!” she hissed. “Leave, or the whole world will learn that your wedding cake’s frosting was scraped off the rhino skulls bleaching in the Serengeti sun.”

“And the man who helped you leave behind so many fears will perish,” Pamplemousse replied airily, “because you lacked the courage to say a single word.”

“She’s braver than you!” I shouted, and immediately remembered Fleur was in the next room. I cringed when I heard sloshing and splashing sounds that unmistakably signified my wife exiting the tub.

Zeus sneered at me, then with lightning speed he bundled Tessa up in his dense cape. “I could have done this in a ski mask just as effectively,” he muttered as he batted me aside and dashed out the door.

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When I Saw the Distress on Tessa’s Face

  • by jenI hate this guy so much.
  • crawling in dinosaur feathers
  • breathtaking moment of wonder and youthful experimentation
  • once it’s resting comfortably in your mouth
  • first my heart and now my hand

Tune in next time part 751      Click Here for Earlier Installments

When I saw the distress on Tessa’s face, all I could think was, I hate this guy so much. He should be at home, rolling in moon rocks and crawling in dinosaur feathers as befits his station, but instead he’s out here kidnapping therapists and blackmailing beautiful women. Merely thinking of such things reminded me of my time with Tessa at the Academy. Our first blackmail scheme was a shared breathtaking moment of wonder and youthful experimentation that resulted in several afternoons of detention and the respect of the faculty. I was enraged at this moon monster and his nefarious scheme.

“What could you possibly need from me, Zeus Pamplemousse?” Tessa asked icily.

“Just one simple word, Tessa. You know which one. Imagine it now. Picture yourself forming the word with your tongue. Once it’s resting comfortably in your mouth, speak it. Speak that word to me.”

“Never, Zeus Pamplemousse. I will never speak that word to you.” She plucked the purple silk hanky from his pocket and tried to cover her breasts with it. I was stunned that she seemingly had a history with the King of the Moon.

Before I could formulate a question, Zeus cried, “You steal first my heart and now my handkerchief! You are a foul temptress!”

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