Tagged: tune in next time

We Were Losing Precious Seconds

  • by Kenthe burst into tears
  • those pretty little things
  • I didn’t set out to have an affair with him, but
  • dried toothpaste barnacles
  • an eclipse during which the moon turns

Tune in next time part 724      Click Here for Earlier Installments

We were losing precious seconds because of Mother’s interference. I leaned down and whispered the counter-phrase in John’s ear. “Hear the sound of the wind while there’s an eclipse during which the moon turns into a shiny silver dollar covered with dried toothpaste barnacles.”

John’s eyes snapped open. That was good. Fleur went rigid and made a strange squeaking noise. That was probably less good. Apparently I had whispered rather loudly, and she was also conditioned to respond to those words.

While John set to work on the controls hidden under the ice, I turned to check on my wife.

“I slept with Jason,” she blurted. It sounded like she was trying to talk and hold her breath at the same time. “I didn’t set out to have an affair with him, but those pretty little things he raps about just won me over I guess.”

“So. You’re currently under a compulsion to tell the truth I take it.”

She nodded stiffly. Her eyes were enormous.

Mr Carousel said, “My faith in true love, you’ve destroyed it!” He took off his pork-pie hat and crushed it in his hands as he burst into tears.

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I Could Hardly Be Angry With My Wife

  • dressed in a sheer green sweater
  • If it is wintertime
  • I would have been prepared for the screams
  • inscribed with messages from the monarch
  • paralyzed by the atrocious confession

Tune in next time part 725      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I could hardly be angry with my wife for sleeping with my brother when I had slept with her sister, half-brother, and sister-in-law, and I could tell she regretted her actions. It was as if she were dressed in a sheer green sweater of shame, a garment both unattractive and impractical. If it is wintertime, anyway. Or if we crashed into the snowy mountains. That event seemed much less likely as John manipulated his magnet a final time and the airship’s engines hummed back to life. I would have been prepared for the screams of everyone aboard if we’d been shot down, but was happy not to hear them just the same.

“Good work, John,” I said. “Now let’s get you those pancakes.”

“He’ll have to eat them in the brig,” said Fleur. “I can’t allow someone so dangerous to roam freely about my blimp.”

“Then you should lock up my mother, too.”

The cells of Royal Contrarian Airship brigs are made of platinum bars inscribed with messages from the monarch, Fleur’s father. They taunt the prisoner for being inept enough to be caught at whatever misdeed they were up to. Mother would hate it.

As Fleur summoned guards to escort the newlyweds to their new accommodations, I decided to see if she was still under the spell of her truth-telling trigger phrase. “You seemed to expect me to be paralyzed by the atrocious confession you made a few moments ago,” I said. “Could it be that you regret your actions because you’ve grown fond of me?”

A declaration of love from my wife would be most unexpected, but I could think of few other reasons for her to want to keep her dalliance with Jason from me.

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Fleur’s Features Had Relaxed

  • by Kent(we repeat: candied hot dog bits)
  • Are you two brothers?
  • important step in any relationship
  • I’m happy to avoid it
  • squeezed his elbow, hard.

Tune in next time part 726      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur’s features had relaxed into an approximation of her normal, cagey misanthropy. She said, “My fondness for you is on a par with my fondness for candied hot dog bits (we repeat: candied hot dog bits). Make of that what you will.”

What I made of it was that she had partially thrown off the compulsion induced by the trigger phrase, but only partially, and everything she said was still technically true no matter how bizarre it sounded. The specificity of the thing of which she was as fond as she was of me had to mean something. Another code, no doubt.

One of the side effects of the programming she was under seemed to be loquaciousness. I listened, eager for more confessions from my wife.

“The first time I met him, he was looking at a photo of you. I asked him, ‘Are you two brothers?‘ and he laughed. I realized that he was like a you that I didn’t hate. Getting past the hate is an important step in any relationship, but I’m happy to avoid it whenever possible. You should know that it was all my idea. Jason was a perfect gentleman, at least until I reached out and squeezed his elbow, hard.”

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My Elbow had Been Bruised for Days

  • by jenNot underwear.
  • Fitz’s physical condition
  • The guy is a shit, right to the core.
  • every country music song
  • or none at all

Tune in next time part 727      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My elbow had been bruised for days after Fleur squeezed it that morning, because the dalliance she was describing had been with me, not Jason. Was she just fucking with me? Almost certainly, but to what extent I could not tell. What would it be like to have true, naked honesty with my wife? To stand before each other wearing nothing but vulnerability and earnestness: Not armor. Not lies. Not underwear. Not anything but love. Sadly I would never know.

The guards placed manacles on John and Mother. Their leader, Major Fitz, saluted Fleur. Fitz’s physical condition was such that his muscles nearly burst out of his uniform when he moved. Even so, I felt the need to warn him about his prisoners.

I pointed to John. “The guy is a shit, right to the core. He could be the villain in every country music song, or none at all because no one would actually want to write a song about him.” I pointed to my mother. “And she’s worse. Don’t put them in adjoining cells.”

Fitz saluted again, this time at me, and I heard the seams in his jacket creak.

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Major Fitz Saluted Again

  • by Kentshoulders are not meant to work like this
  • refrain from blowing ourselves to smithereens
  • let the cool supermarket air refresh your nethers
  • renewed our passions with erotic tea
  • awe-inspiring incompetence

Tune in next time part 728      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Major Fitz saluted again, to whom I wasn’t sure this time. It was a very strange and awkward salute in which his arm twisted backwards. Seeing it made me think, shoulders are not meant to work like this. Then he turned on his heel to collect his prisoners. Or, so I thought. He seized John’s manacles and snapped the chain like wet paper. Mother’s bonds were nullified a moment later.

“If you refrain from trying to recapture us,” Mother sang, “then it will be the same as if we all refrain from blowing ourselves to smithereens. Order the other guards to sit on the ice. Doesn’t it feel wonderful, like when you shop with nothing under your skirt to let the cool supermarket air refresh your nethers. All we want is a proper honeymoon! So, once we are safely aboard an escape pod, and we have renewed our passions with erotic tea, you can resume your pathetic endeavors and need not spare another worry for us. This voyage has been, start to end, a continuous display of truly awe-inspiring incompetence.”

“All I want right now,” Fleur said, “is those two off my airship.”

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“Give Them the Smallest Escape Pod”

  • by jenI’ve grown to adore him
  • often used to welcome distinguished guests
  • ill-gotten origins
  • tattoo with the word “warning” on her hip
  • learned how to make explosives

Tune in next time part 729      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Give them the smallest escape pod,” Fleur said. “The one those robots stole that one time.”

Before the guards escorted the newlyweds away, I said to Mother, “Why are you maintaining this charade of coupledom with John? We all know it’s just some ruse of yours to gain access to Fleur’s airship.”

“It may have started out that way, but I’ve grown to adore him.” Mother’s eyes sparkled as she spoke of her new husband. “He knows all the best bedroom moves, even those I often used to welcome distinguished guests to the White House, and ones with even more ill-gotten origins.”

I should have known better than to try to talk to her about this sort of thing.

John elbowed me jovially. “And I’ve always wanted a wife with a tattoo with the word ‘warning’ on her hip that she got when she learned how to make explosives out of feminine hygiene products. Keeps things interesting.”

“Move out,” I said to the guards. The quicker these two were off the zeppelin, the quicker my queasiness would abate.

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Even Though I Knew Full Well

  • by Kentchatter about conspiracy theories all day
  • the size of a tiger’s
  • People do.
  • smells weird to me
  • threw herself into my arms

Tune in next time part 730      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Even though I knew full well that Fleur wasn’t one to stand around and chatter about conspiracy theories all day, I was surprised by her disinterest in learning more about Mother’s schemes. After all, she knew full well that Mother had a nefarious side the size of a tiger’s litter box and twice as foul. Perhaps my wife had simply grown weary of combating my mother’s evil. People do. Even I sometimes just tried not to think about it.

With the engines restored, we were in stable flight again and executing a turn to leave enemy airspace. The brood was safe. In my happiness and relief, I leaned down to embrace Fleur. She didn’t hug me back, and whispered in my ear, “Go to your quarters and take a shower. Something about you smells weird to me.”

When I got to my suite, I gave myself a quick sniff and had to agree that my uniform was less than fresh. By the time I had shed the outfit I had to admit that it wasn’t just the uniform. I opened the bathroom door, and discovered I was not alone. A woman leaped out of the tub and threw herself into my arms.

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“Tessa!”

  • by jenSome bidets come with
  • something tells me that I shall soon know
  • make that face every time you fart
  • both pickles and beer
  • my wife is on the prowl

Tune in next time part 731      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Tessa!” I cried. She was dripping wet and slippery with soap suds. “I haven’t seen you since… I don’t even know anymore.” I hoped it was the real Tessa, and not one of her robot doubles.

“It’s nice to see you, too,” she said. “But please put me down now. You smell quite peculiar.”

The fact that she could smell me didn’t prove she was human. Some bidets come with perfume dispensers, and some robots come with olfactory sensors.

I stepped into the tub and beckoned her to join me. The water was quite hot and the bubbles were fresh. She couldn’t have had time to finish her ablutions before I walked in.

“Something tells me that I shall soon know what you’re doing here, and I doubt I’ll like it. But until that moment comes, let’s just enjoy ourselves.”

“Okay,” my auburn-haired beauty said. “But only if you promise to make that face every time you fart so I can hold my nose.” She smiled coyly. “You know the face I mean.”

I did know which face she meant. And I wondered why she was trying so awfully hard to convince me both that she knew our shared history and had a sense of smell.

“Why do your armpits smell like both pickles and beer?” She handed me a washcloth.

“I was just in a wedding.” Which didn’t really answer her question.

The door to my suite banged open and I heard Fleur grumbling as she entered the room. I barely had time to whisper, “My wife is on the prowl,” and submerge Tessa under the bubbles before Fleur appeared in the bathroom doorway.

“A bath? How decadent. Perhaps I’ll join you.”

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I Knew Tessa Could Hold Her Breath

  • by Kentsex involves two people
  • in the middle of the Tate modern
  • all the edibles I can eat
  • jazz appreciation class
  • the elderly cheese inspector

Tune in next time part 732      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I knew Tessa could hold her breath for several minutes, and presumably her cybernetic doppelgangers didn’t need air at all. There was no need to panic provided I talked Fleur out of getting into the tub.

“Darling,” I said with a flutter of my eyelids, “wouldn’t the bed be more suitable? I’ll join you as soon as I’m clean.”

She gave me a cockeyed grin and began to strip. I realized I had miscalculated. For most people, the notion of sex involves two people somewhere cozy and private. But for Fleur, it might involve multiple rugby teams in the middle of the Tate modern. While I spluttered helplessly and continued holding Tessa’s head underwater, Fleur finished undressing and put a toe into the suds.

“Nice and warm,” she cooed.

“Hang on,” I said. “My contract as commander of the comedy garrisons entitles me to all the edibles I can eat. And yet, there are none. I couldn’t share a bath with someone who’s in breach of contract.”

My wife narrowed her eyes at me. “Why didn’t you bring this up sooner? Where do you expect me to get them while we’re in flight?”

“Probably on the bridge,” I said with a smirk. “Oh, also, I need you to get yourself signed up for a jazz appreciation class before you come back. That’s in my contract, too.”

It wasn’t, though, and she knew it. I had overstepped. I held my breath even though mine wasn’t the head below the surface. But she drew her foot back and wrapped herself up in my robe and left the bathroom.

I lifted my hand so Tessa could sit up. She glared at me through the curtain of sudsy water draining from her hair. Then we heard Fleur’s voice, and Tessa ducked back down.

“Actually,” Fleur was saying as she came back into the bathroom, tucking her phone into a pocket of the robe, “seems like the galley has the best hookup for your… contractual fulfillments. Thing is, they have multiple kinds. How are you with fermented dairy? My connection is recommending a Camembert-based infusion. He can’t say how far out of code it is, but assures me it got a passing grade from the elderly cheese inspector.”

“Maybe you should sample it,” I enthused. “Take your time.”

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“We’ll Eat the Cheese Together in the Bath”

  • by jenanother few weeks of gliding
  • starting to look a little naked
  • It was a gorgeous day and the birds were chirping
  • and a middle finger
  • a ninety percent chance of success!

Tune in next time part 733      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“We’ll eat the cheese together in the bath, Lady and the Tramp-style,” Fleur declared. “It’ll be messy, but there will be plenty of time to clean up. It will take another few weeks of gliding through the skies before we arrive in Contraria.”

The little bell beside the dumbwaiter dinged. Fleur opened it and pulled out a very runny wedge of creamy, stinky Camembert. She balanced it on the edge of the tub and slipped her robe off. “I’m starting to look a little naked,” she said as she stepped in beside me.

It was a gorgeous day and the birds were chirping in the zeppelin’s aviary, and a middle finger was lifted by fate in my direction. Luckily the bathtubs on Contrarian Royal Airships are quite large. I managed to keep myself in the middle, between the two women, and so far Fleur had not noticed Tessa’s presence. If the THC content of the cheese was high enough and I got Fleur to eat enough of it quickly enough, my plan to protect Tessa stood a ninety percent chance of success!

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