Tagged: tune in next time

“Let Us Begin the Bidding at a Million Dollars!”

  • by Kentcalled “wildlife” for a reason
  • not a single one of us
  • legs tightly crossed
  • what do our bodies sound like?
  • rubbing her stomach

Tune in next time part 488      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Let us begin the bidding at a million dollars!” Oksana proclaimed. Tatiana’s hand shot up, along with many others.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the Crystal Clown’s proxy?” I muttered.

Tatiana stood there rubbing her stomach like she was very hungry. “Let me worry about her,” she said. The rubbing intensified, and she said, “I wonder, as new life springs forth from us, what do our bodies sound like?”

She was now grasping her bulging belly in both hands, legs tightly crossed and a puddle around her feet.

“I think they sound like that,” I deadpanned. “You should probably call for your helicopter or whatever to take you to labor and delivery.” I could commandeer it and take us back to Enigma Fortress instead.

Tatiana shook her head. Her voice was strained as she said, “Oksana has made it clear that not a single one of us shall be allowed out until the auction is complete.”

The bidding was up to two million dollars, and not really slowing. I couldn’t think of a way to hurry it along, but I did have an idea for disrupting it. Even if it would probably blow my cover. I watched John, and just as he was signalling a bid on behalf of Viscount Arlo, I did my Himalayan Snowcock impression as loudly as I could.

John let out an even louder scream of panic and began running about and flailing his arms, heedless of the people around him. The closest he ever came to telling me the reason for his terror of those birds was when he whispered tremulously from the darkness as we lay in our bunks at the Academy, “It’s called ‘wildlife’ for a reason.”

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During Our Senior Year at the Academy

  • by jenbecome a Sasquatch king
  • the adults took turns
  • I wish I could sing like that
  • well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy
  • multicolored headband

Tune in next time part 489      Click Here for Earlier Installments

During our senior year at the Academy I was voted most likely to become a Sasquatch king, largely due to my ability to imitate any bird or beast. John was offended. He felt that a yeti sighting during his childhood in Tibet gave him an affinity for all cryptozoological creatures. He filed a formal contestation of the election results. Our fellow students watched with bated breath as the adults took turns recounting the ballots, and cheered when I was formally declared the winner. Fat lot of good his “affinity” did him now. He was attending an auction staffed almost entirely by “yeti,” who would presumably do his bidding, and yet he was completely unmanned by a single Himalayan Snowcock cry. In my opinion, the Academy students made the right choice.

John careened around the cavern, knocking down trays of champagne glasses, and gibbering.

Tatiana grasped her belly and let out a bloodcurdling wail.

“I wish I could sing like that,” said Maxine. Then she raised her hand and yelled, “I bid two million and eleven dollars!”

“Two million and twelve!” came a voice from deep in the crowd.

“This will take all night,” I said. “Let’s just sneak out the back while John has them distracted.”

Tatiana said, “The stars predicted that if I conceived my children in a cavern I would give birth to them in one, too. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that case,” I said.

After another contraction, Tatiana said, “Find the yeti in the multicolored headband. She’s their midwife.”

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Despite the Crowd and the Chaos

  • by Kentskin contact and elderberries
  • strenuously heterosexual
  • That’s intense.
  • Walking on tiptoe
  • Ugh. Fuck. Off.

Tune in next time part 490      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Despite the crowd and the chaos, it wasn’t hard to ascertain that none of the yeti in the cavern were wearing headbands.

“She’s not around,” I said to Tatiana.

“Then go FIND her!” Tatiana snarled through her next contraction.

John’s antics were dying down. In a few more seconds I’d lose my chance to slip out unnoticed. Reaching the corridor, I barely had time to wonder how I would avoid being spotted away from the auction when a yeti-ninja bumbled into me. Thirty seconds later he lay incapacitated and I had donned his woolly costume, granting me unlimited freedom to roam Oksana’s little subterranean kingdom in search of a midwife.

My conscience twinged at that. My mission was to save my brother, and Tatiana’s problems were of her own making. Except, well, it had taken two to tango on that throne.

I grumbled to myself, “Ugh. Fuck. Off. With. The. Moral. Dilemmas.” Sending the midwife in the right direction seemed the least I could do for Tatiana, but first I had to find her.

The fourth corner I turned led me into a break room of sorts, and there at a table by the soda fountain was a yeti wearing a colorful band around her head. His head? Its head. No matter. Walking on tiptoe, I approached the yeti reputed to be skilled at delivering babies. Such a manner of walking allowed me to blend in with the other occupants of the break room, because, being so-called ninjas, they liked to act sneaky.

“Hey there,” I said. “One of the auction guests is in active labor and could use your help.”

“That’s intense.” The voice was gruff. The band-bedecked head angled my way. “Too bad I’m on break.”

The midwife was a she, I was now sure. For in addition to being able to imitate the call of any bird or beast, I am also strenuously heterosexual (at least most of the time) and thus adept at noticing subtle things, such as the fact that the utterly naked, hairy biped speaking to me had female genitalia.

“I think it’d be best if you finished your break later,” I said. “She’s pretty far along.”

“Why don’t you go handle it?” the midwife said, turning back to her coffee. “It’s easy. Just remember: skin contact and elderberries.”

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“Elderberries?”

  • by jenalso a valid tactic
  • “No. I don’t want anything to do with you.”
  • He and his family all do it together
  • I guess I have some doppelgängers
  • mink cufflinks

Tune in next time part 491      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Elderberries?” I was incredulous. “You know what else is also a valid tactic? Actual medical care.” I grabbed the yeti midwife’s elbow and tried to pull her to her feet. “Come on.”

“No. I don’t want anything to do with you.” She curled her lip. “Or the ridiculous humans.” She pried my hand off her elbow with surprising strength, and handed me a plastic zipper bag full of tiny, dark purple berries. “Now fuck off and let me enjoy my coffee break, or I’ll report you to the union.”

Whether she was talking about the yeti union or the ninja union, I wanted nothing to do with them. I snatched her rainbow-striped headband and hurried from the room. Tatiana was probably too distracted to notice that I was not an actual yeti midwife, and if I wore the uniform she would probably do what I told her.

I retraced my route to the auction chamber. The bidding was at $2,000,682 and creeping higher. A small crowd had gathered around Tatiana as she labored while continuing her attempts to purchase my brother in the name of her sister. As I pushed my way through the onlookers, I overheard a number of them speculating about who had gotten her pregnant.

“The star charts dictated that it be Jason,” John said. “But his twin was the best we could do.”

“Oh, you were there!” cried Maxine. “How auspicious!”

“He and his family all do it together,” said a foppish man in a fur cape. “Espionage, I mean. Did you know that today’s prize, Jim, is a member of that family? It really is too much!”

“Two million seven hundred and one!” cried Tatiana. Then she spotted me in my disguise. “You look familiar,” she said suspiciously.

“I guess I have some doppelgängers,” I said, trying to imitate the gruff tone of the yeti. I held up my baggie of elderberries. “Let’s get you somewhere comfortable to deliver those babies.”

“I’ll provide the skin contact!” cried the fur-cape man. He tossed his cape aside, revealing himself to be wearing only a mink speedo and crisp white cuffs held in place on his wrists by mink cufflinks.

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I Realized I Had Been Staring

  • by Kentpure diamond
  • He had pet names for her body parts.
  • When I turned 16,
  • with the fur round her boots
  • disco night every week

Tune in next time part 492      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I realized I had been staring for several seconds at the un-caped man. I gave my head a vigorous shake and said in my gruff voice, “Our methods have been modernized recently. Not sure we really need your help today.”

Tatiana’s hand clamped onto my elbow and squeezed. I was glad she couldn’t see the look of agony on my face inside the yeti costume. When her contraction was over, she said, “Modernized? No! I insist on the traditional birthing methods of the mountain fastness. My children’s souls will shine like pure diamond! And Magnus will be there to help.”

She knew this kooky exhibitionist’s name. Figured. And probably called him on his birthday. She cat-sitted for him. He had pet names for body parts.

Why should I feel jealous over Tatiana? The thin alpine air must have been messing up my thinking. It was her sister, Tessa who I wanted to be reunited with. When I turned 16, it had been Tessa who lurked in the roadside ditch while I pretended to hitchhike so we could steal a car for my driving test. I remembered how she looked then, with the knife strapped to her thigh, with the fur round her boots, with a murderous glint in her eye like a mirrorball of bloodlust. We had disco night every week. We had it all. Why had I let my life become so complicated?

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“Two Million Two Thousand!”

  • by jenflowed quickly from his nostrils
  • many individuals still believe today
  • should be home in bed
  • “I need the backstory.”
  • certainly not cinnamon-colored

Tune in next time part 493      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Two million two thousand!” shouted Tatiana at the same second that John was swigging champagne, and he was so surprised by the thousand-dollar leap in the bidding that he nearly choked. Champagne flowed quickly from his nostrils as he looked around for a napkin.

Turning back to me, Tatiana said. “I and many individuals still believe today in the ancient yeti maternity practices. I will give birth here in the cavern.”

“You should be home in bed,” I growled at her. “Or perhaps in that nice fortress down the mountain.”

“No!” Tatiana grabbed my yeti-masked face in her hands and stared into my eyes. “I need the elderberries. I need the skin contact.” She enunciated every word. “I need the backstory.” Her face crumpled under another contraction. “I need it all.”

I nodded.

She called to her nearly nude companion. “Magnus, get one of the big serving trays from a waiter. It will stand in for the traditional sled. I will give birth upon it. And napkins! Bring many napkins! Whatever sort you can find, except certainly not cinnamon-colored. That would be ill-omened.”

I was starting to feel quite superfluous, but decided to stick around and see my latest children be born.

“Two million two thousand thirty seven!” groaned Tatiana.

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Tatiana Gestured For Magnus

  • by KentI am really creeped out by
  • the safest ever built
  • the crowd wore black towels in lieu of formalwear
  • never occurred to me to wonder
  • If Axl Rose showed up to rent an apartment from you

Tune in next time part 494      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Tatiana gestured for Magnus to get closer, closer, for increased skin contact. No sensible person would want Magnus, and his cufflinks, anywhere near the site of new life’s emergence into the world. If Axl Rose showed up to rent an apartment from you, you’d be happier to see him than anyone should have been about Magnus’s participation. It never occurred to me to wonder about his prior connection to Tatiana, but in hindsight there must have been one.

I hung back, awaiting the arrival of yet more of my children into the world. Meanwhile the bidding on my brother Jim continued. My mind drifted to another surreal auction I’d attended with similar acoustics. Rather than in a cavern it had been at a natatorium. The items up for bid were quite exclusive, so the crowd wore black towels in lieu of formalwear.

My reminiscing was interrupted by the healthy cry of a newborn baby, and then another. I gathered them to my furry bossom and smiled at them, but of course they couldn’t see my real face and their screams became more urgent. “They’re hungry,” I said in my gruff midwife’s voice and handed them back to Tatiana. “Or else they’re afraid that I am.” My joke didn’t get any laughs.

“Two million two thousand ninety eight!” Tatiana called out as she nursed the twins. Magnus suddenly swept back onto the scene, leaving me disappointed I hadn’t savored his absence. The two yeti carrying a palanquin behind him sized me up as they set the conveyance down for Tatiana to board it.

“Is that thing safe?” I gruffed.

“It is the safest ever built with such a high level of recycled content,” Magnus proclaimed proudly. To this day, I am really creeped out by the memory of his smug expression.

Tatiana leaned perilously out over the side of the platform as the yeti bearers raised it again. She locked eyes with me, even through the mask. “Keep bidding!” she implored.

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The Silver Serving Tray Upon Which Tatiana had Given Birth

  • by jenonce I was barefoot
  • someone else’s eyebrows?
  • Brodie did the calculation
  • a clarinet of his own design
  • some unlikely and very large costars

Tune in next time part 495      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The silver serving tray upon which Tatiana had given birth was whisked away along with her and the infants, and soon the auction had returned to normal. Or at least as normal as the auctioning of a hallucinating man to the highest bidding secret agent, in a cavern entirely staffed by yeti can be. My instincts told me to either halt the sale of my brother, or simply leave. But Jim had told me, pre-hallucinogens, that he wanted the auction to proceed. And Tatiana, mother to my newest children, had told me to keep bidding. Meanwhile, Fleur and my other infants were back at Enigma Fortress, vulnerable to whatever plan her husband Harry and that dick Arlo had cooking, and my own wife had demanded my presence back in the capital as soon as the skies were clear enough for my war-zeppelin to fly. It was a lot to think about.

The bidding continued at a leisurely pace around me as I tried to work out my next move, but my feet were too hot and I couldn’t concentrate. Under my big hairy yeti feet I was still wearing my clunky wooden hiking boots. No wonder my feet were so sweaty. I ducked into a corner, stripped from the ankles down, and, once I was barefoot, felt much better.

John sidled up to me, fully recovered from his Snowcock freakout, and gave me a shrewd look. I tried to give it right back, but I was wearing a yeti mask, and, have you ever tried to wiggle someone else’s eyebrows? It was like that.

John leaned in and said into my mask’s earhole, “Brodie did the calculation, and we ought to be able to outbid everyone here, assuming we can stay awake long enough. I know you don’t think he’s worth the expense, but Jim has a clarinet of his own design, and we need to get our hands on it before some unlikely and very large costars do.” He nodded meaningfully at the other yeti.

This was all extremely interesting, but just who did John think he was talking to? A ninja-yeti? A yeti-ninja? Did he think I was Jason? Did he know I was me? Or was there someone else specific he expected to meet at this auction, disguised as a bald-footed yeti?

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“Why Spend a Dime on Jim”

  • by Kentrearranged her hair
  • green plastic frog goggles
  • Thirteen people have been arrested
  • $1,100 snakeskin jacket that you never wear but like to tell other people you have
  • secret society of possibly murderous, mega-wealthy hedonists

Tune in next time part 496      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Why spend a dime on Jim,” I asked, maintaining my yeti voice in case John didn’t already know my identity, “if it’s the clarinet we care about? We just need to find it first.”

John shook his head violently. “We discussed this!” So, he thought I was someone else. “The map to its location was the wig on the mannequin at Blinkie’s Overalls, but someone rearranged her hair to obscure the coordinates. The only clue about who did it was the green plastic frog goggles found at the scene. We bribed the local constabulary to do our dirty work. Thirteen people have been arrested, including the guy who stole that $1,100 snakeskin jacket that you never wear but like to tell other people you have, but we’re no closer to our real goal. And for that reason, we are trying to infiltrate this secret society of possibly murderous, mega-wealthy hedonists.” He squinted at me. “I’m continually surprised by how poor your memory is.”

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An Expensive Snakeskin Jacket and a Notoriously Bad Memory

  • by jenon her face and neck
  • “Look at that thing, man.”
  • strange suction-cup-shaped marks
  • sees my face
  • nickname was Cookie

Tune in next time part 497      Click Here for Earlier Installments

An expensive snakeskin jacket and a notoriously bad memory? There was only one person John could think he was talking to, my brother Troy. Troy, whose nickname was Cookie, looked exactly like his twin Trent, but he didn’t look much like me. “As soon as John sees my face and its total lack of strange suction-cup-shaped marks, he’ll know I’m not Troy,” I thought. “Or Trent for that matter, but Trent is known for his exceptionally sharp memory and his ludicrously expensive but little-worn crocodile skin jacket. It’s easy to tell them apart.” Worse than John discovering that he was not talking to Troy would be having John discover he was not talking to Troy by discovering the real Troy. I needed a distraction so I could get away from John and observe from a distance.

“Look at that thing, man.” I pointed to a woman on the other side of the cavern with a large tattoo on her face and neck. When John turned away, I ducked under the buffet table. And none too soon. Almost immediately a pair of bare feet approached, sticking out of white yeti pants.

“Why are we bothering to bid on Jim?” Troy asked. He didn’t even try to do a yeti voice.

John’s voice was exasperated. “We just talked about this! Your memory is a shambles!”

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