Tagged: prophecy

“Listen, Hildegard”

  • by jensoulmates and unicorns and all that jazz
  • Mars is like Manhattan
  • which fork to use
  • three waffle irons
  • send coded nasty messages to family members

Tune in next time part 621      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Listen, Hildegard,” I said. “I don’t believe in soulmates and unicorns and all that jazz, but I also don’t want two wives. The one I have is more than enough.”

“Pish posh,” Hildegard replied. “How can you say you only have one wife, when everyone knows you’re married to both Fleur and Isolde?”

“That was a proxy wedding. I was merely standing in for Harry.”

While we squabbled, Hildegard dragged me along the street, and I dragged her father who was still clinging to my elbow. We passed a hotel, the only two-story building I’d yet seen on the island, and Hildegard said, “We’ll have the reception there. It will be lovely. Provincial though it may be, in many ways Twerkistan is like Mars, and in many ways Mars is like Manhattan. At a fancy wedding reception you never know which fork to use, and by the time all the presents arrive you have at least three waffle irons and four toasters, and you use the Thank You notes to send coded nasty messages to family members who went rogue and bought gifts that weren’t on the registry.”

“Busy though she may be, Fleur would skin us both if we married without her permission.”

“Then I’ll get permission. Daddy will wire her and demand that you act as proxy for the son of Zeus Pamplemousse. Everyone will be happy.”

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During Our Senior Year at the Academy

  • by jenbecome a Sasquatch king
  • the adults took turns
  • I wish I could sing like that
  • well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy
  • multicolored headband

Tune in next time part 489      Click Here for Earlier Installments

During our senior year at the Academy I was voted most likely to become a Sasquatch king, largely due to my ability to imitate any bird or beast. John was offended. He felt that a yeti sighting during his childhood in Tibet gave him an affinity for all cryptozoological creatures. He filed a formal contestation of the election results. Our fellow students watched with bated breath as the adults took turns recounting the ballots, and cheered when I was formally declared the winner. Fat lot of good his “affinity” did him now. He was attending an auction staffed almost entirely by “yeti,” who would presumably do his bidding, and yet he was completely unmanned by a single Himalayan Snowcock cry. In my opinion, the Academy students made the right choice.

John careened around the cavern, knocking down trays of champagne glasses, and gibbering.

Tatiana grasped her belly and let out a bloodcurdling wail.

“I wish I could sing like that,” said Maxine. Then she raised her hand and yelled, “I bid two million and eleven dollars!”

“Two million and twelve!” came a voice from deep in the crowd.

“This will take all night,” I said. “Let’s just sneak out the back while John has them distracted.”

Tatiana said, “The stars predicted that if I conceived my children in a cavern I would give birth to them in one, too. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that case,” I said.

After another contraction, Tatiana said, “Find the yeti in the multicolored headband. She’s their midwife.”

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Contrarian Literature About the Future

  • by Kentknown as ironic repetition
  • I admit, this got me a little teary-eyed
  • eluded surveillance
  • huge and hideous
  • as he frequently did

Tune in next time part 316      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Contrarian literature about the future utilizes a stylistic device known as ironic repetition, making the books tedious to read but easy to memorize. So I recalled enough details to see myself clearly depicted in the story as a tragic hero. I admit, this got me a little teary-eyed even though I was certain the prophecy was a sham. Fleur and her family believed it, and that fact made it pertinent to my survival, which made it self-fulfilling.

Xylona skimmed the waves well below the height of the landing deck, racing toward the stern of the ship. Then she killed the engine. I held my questions, hoping she knew what she was up to. Wondering what good it would do us if we eluded surveillance only to create a huge and hideous grease stain on the hull.

My aunt’s piloting skills impressed me. We slowed abruptly, and just when I was sure we would drop into the churning wake behind the aircraft carrier, she hauled our nose up and we climbed just enough to clear the deck and settle to a silent stop in a pool of shadow.

Leaning forward, Xylona whispered, “No noise, now. We can’t alert the crew to our arrival.”

John started singing in his sleep, as he frequently did. “They go uppity up-up, they go down, ditty down-down!”

Floodlights on the bridge snapped on, illuminating the landing deck.

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Fleur’s Father Babbled

  • by Kentsent the soldiers out
  • biggest of the three asses
  • there is no way that I can stay up until 1 am anymore
  • not a matter of you versus me
  • certainly discombobulates people

Tune in next time part 102                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur’s father babbled, lapsing in and out of English and not seeming to complete any of his sentences. His excitement at his daughter’s news overwhelmed his powers of speech. One thing about the idea of becoming a prophetic personage, it certainly discombobulates people, even warlords.

“Is it smart to get him so worked up?” I hissed at my impulsive wife. “You said you think it’s twins, but that means you haven’t confirmed anything.”

“Everything is under control,” she assured me. “It is the kind of thing one knows. You might dispute my claim, but it’s not a matter of you versus me. Your opinion isn’t relevant.”

“What is this prophecy, anyway?”

Fleur laughed, a nasty, savage sort of glee ringing in her voice and gleaming in her eyes. “It takes too long to explain, and there is no way that I can stay up until 1 am anymore, so you’ll have to look it up for yourself.”

As soon as I was cleaned up from the pregnancy-test ritual, I found my way to the palace library to read up on prophecies about royal twins. There were three hefty books describing such things, and in typical Contrarian fashion they all disagreed. The biggest of the three assessments of the legend gave some hints about the source of Fleur’s sinister mirth at my expense.

The 43rd stanza read,

“When they were twelve the royal sisters sent the soldiers out.
To avenge the martyred father they had heard so much about.”

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