Tagged: tune in next time

“It’s Time to Get You Presentable”

  • by Kentwear that light blue sports jacket with your cream-colored trousers
  • conceal her nudity from strangers
  • her temperamental, boundaryless sidekick
  • has a urologist on call
  • opens the umbrella, but that’s not going to work

Tune in next time part 478      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“It’s time to get you presentable,” Oksana said. “We’re giving you a sort of dissipated restauranteur look, so you’ll wear that light blue sports jacket with your cream-colored trousers. Why are you still on the floor? Get up! Oh.” She paused and unlocked his restraints, producing a key from an impossible pocket in the taut white fur jumpsuit she had chosen as a way to conceal her nudity from strangers. “Now, hurry up and get dressed.”

Jim made his odd, keening bird call again as he donned the garments Oksana accepted from her temperamental, boundaryless sidekick yeti. It’s costume was quite obviously too tight, especially in certain key zones. “I hope he has a urologist on call,” I muttered.

Everyone froze. Dammit, I thought, I know how much my voice resonates in caverns and tunnels! I stayed still as Oksana used hand gestures to direct her furry minions in their search. I was doomed to be found. My stillness was like a man with an umbrella who steps into an avalanche, then opens the umbrella, but that’s not going to work. I had only seconds to come up with a plan, with both my life and my brother’s hanging in the balance.

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“When Does This Damn Auction Start?”

  • by jenlocated at the base of your spine
  • enough face cream
  • Sorry honey!
  • a language that literally no one
  • a picture of you in the folder

Tune in next time part 479      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“When does this damn auction start?” I bellowed, striding into the cavern. “Don’t tell me I missed it!” I tried to act as cocky and entitled as the diplomats and spymasters my mother tended to hang out with. My wooden climbing boots gave me a stilted, clattering gait.

My brashness startled Oksana’s yeti minions. Their ninja training took over, and startled ninjas always freeze and attempt to camouflage themselves. I was suddenly surrounded by a forest of frozen yeti statues.

“Jason!” cried Jim in faux-surprise. “You bastard!” And then he made another bird call, this one decidedly less Himalayan.

Oksana straightened her spine and approached me. “You’re not late at all. In fact you’re early. I have to double check your identity, of course. I’m sure you understand. I have a picture of you in the folder of auction material on my phone, which I will now pull out of my cleavage.” She did so. While she compared me to the photo of my twin on her phone, she muttered to herself in Colloquillian, a language that literally no one outside of Colloquillia knew. Except for me. I had a Colloquillian lover years ago, who taught me the basics, after making me promise never to use my knowledge for espionage. That was a promise I now had to break. Sorry honey!

What Oksana was muttering wasn’t very enlightening, though. Something along the lines of “with enough face cream I guess literally anyone can stay youthful.”

I kept my mouth shut while she perused me, so that she wouldn’t see the golden tattoos on my tongue. My brother and I tended to copy each other’s distinguishing features, but as far as I knew, Jason didn’t have those. At least not yet.

“Now Jason, in order to confirm that it is you and not your twin, I need to see the crescent-shaped scar located at the base of your spine.” She smiled without showing her teeth. “I’m sure you understand.”

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“I Really Have To Object”

  • by Kentshaped like natural birds
  • tight-pressed against her bosom
  • vibrating sensuously
  • party where I met Jim
  • take out his penis at his desk

Tune in next time part 480      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I really have to object,” I huffed. Oksana narrowed her eyes, so I rolled mine. Of course I was going to acquiesce, but just as Jason would I needed to drag things out a bit. For dramatic effect.

As I hiked up my coat and the vest with the silver buttons so she could inspect my lower back, I was a little nervous. The scars at the base of my spine were shaped like natural birds, and I hoped she’d decide they passed. After a minute she harrumphed, so I straightened up and turned to face her. She still had her phone out, tight-pressed against her bosom. Her expression was unreadable. Just as she seemed about to speak, she got a call. Her phone’s buzzing distracted her, leaving her vibrating sensuously along with it.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” I wisecracked. Her quivering little smile reminded me of the party where I met Jim‘s longest-term girlfriend, Roxie. Roxie stood out in my memory, because she became my stalker and targeted me for carnal ambush from time to time. A man tends to remember a woman who liked to take out his penis at his desk, which she’d been hiding underneath. (Underneath the desk, obviously.)

“What was that, Roxie?” I muttered.

Oksana and Jim each shot me a sharp look.

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I Tried to Banish All Memories of Roxie

  • by jenflexed, wet and warm
  • “Stick knives in dead people.”
  • in real time
  • so violently that his bones clattered
  • It’s a confounded nuisance

Tune in next time part 481      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I tried to banish all memories of Roxie under my desk, muscles flexed, wet and warm mouth poised just so… but it was, literally, quite hard. Luckily the names Roxie and Oksana sound quite similar, so I just repeated my last mumbled utterance, only with one important edit.

“What was that, Oksie?”

“I didn’t say anything,” she said, eyes narrowed. She circled me, scrutinizing, comparing me to the photos of Jason on her phone.

I lisped, “Stick knives in dead people.” That was a Colloquialism I had picked up from my former lover. It meant something like “I want to jump your bones in real time.”

Oksana cocked one of her thick black eyebrows. Meanwhile, Jim startled so violently that his bones clattered. He tried to cover his reaction with another drug-induced bird call.

“I’ve heard you were bold, Jason,” Oksana said. “But I had no idea just how bold. Unfortunately for you, I’m not at all interested in stabbing corpses.” Her eyes flicked to Jim and back. “At least not with you.”

“It’s a confounded nuisance having Jim for a brother,” I said, trying to sound disappointed. “But if you like him so much, why are you selling him?”

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Oksana Smirked

  • by Kentlooks like he smells bad
  • very superstitious
  • two inches deep
  • called it my initiation ritual
  • I had an active fantasy life

Tune in next time part 482      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oksana smirked. “Hoping to gain an edge during the auction? Looking for inside info? None of that! I know all about you, Jason. I did a thorough background before sending any invitations. Yours said, ‘He looks like he smells bad but most of the time it’s not an issue.’ So, there’s no way you can surprise me.”

“Surprise!” came a familiar, lisping voice from the cavern entrance. He beat-boxed for a second and then chanted, “My name is Jason and I am fashionably early for the auction.”

Dammit! Jason would probably be more convincing as himself than I was.

“What now?” Oksana crowed. “Two Jasons? My background check didn’t say anything about there being two Jasons!”

“He’s my twin brother,” I lisped. “He likes to pretend he’s me. Can’t blame him.”

Oksana looked from me to Jason and back. “Why should I believe you’re the real one?”

“Because I was here first?” I tried.

“We Colloquillians are deeply suspicious people by nature,” she said. “And we’re also very superstitious about punctuality. Since you were, in fact, more fashionable in your earliness, I’m inclined to believe you.”

“But I have the invitation right here!” the real Jason complained.

“Easily forged,” Oksana said with a flip of her hand. “You will be held in the lower chambers until after the auction, when I will decide what to do with you.” Several of the yeti statues unfroze and chivvied Jason out of the cavern. “He’ll be fine,” she said to me, sotto voce. “The lower chamber floods sometimes, but right now the water is only two inches deep. When I arrived here that was where I lived, by choice. I called it my initiation ritual, and it truly was because it earned me the respect of these majestic creatures. They are not as they appear, you know.” Her voice dropped to a harsh whisper. “They’re not really ninjas!”

I nodded knowingly, but inside I just wished I had an active fantasy life like hers.

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What I Didn’t Say to Oksana Was

  • by jendeal with things in the proper fashion
  • I have a good relationship with the Fahey family
  • pastel-hued ketchup packets
  • I would probably take my bra off as well
  • which necessitated three visits from the police

Tune in next time part 483      Click Here for Earlier Installments

What I didn’t say to Oksana was “well they certainly aren’t *good* ninjas” although I was sorely tempted. Instead I feigned Jason’s infamous curiosity and boyish wonder and said, “Really? Then what are they?” Being a General of the Mountain Garrisons, it behooved me to deal with things in the proper fashion, especially when those things were a potential invasion army.

“Why they’re yetis, of course,” Oksana trilled. “I have a good relationship with the Fahey family, and they’ve taught me how to train the yeti in the ways of the shadow warrior. It’s coming along quite well, as you can see for yourself.”

I myself have a good relationship with the Faheys, and they’d never mentioned ninjas in my presence. I was gaining all sorts of new insights today.

Before I could press Oksana for more information, Tatiana and John strode into the cavern. Tatiana’s abdomen was bulging with the child or children we had conceived on the crystal throne of Mingus Mint. John was wearing a ski outfit that looked like it was made from pastel-hued ketchup packets.

“I’m here representing Viscount Arlo of Svenborgia,” John announced.

“And I’m representing the Crystal Clown,” said Tatiana. “She’s even more pregnant than I am and couldn’t travel.” She winked at me. “You missed your chance, Jason. But you’re about to be an uncle several times over.”

“You’re a tough woman to brave these mountains in your condition,” said Oksana. “If I were you, I would stay at home with my shoes off and my feet up. I would probably take my bra off as well. Respect.”

Tatiana dipped her chin.

As more auction participants made their way into the chamber, I tried to keep track of them all. It reminded me of the Homecoming party during my senior year at the Academy, an event which necessitated three visits from the police, two from Interpol, and one from the International Siblinghood of Street Performers, who were there on a recruiting mission.

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I Knew Tatiana Was Trying to Upset Me

  • by Kentwhispered her name in my heart
  • up to your tits in frogs
  • and on the back of your neck
  • dipping his testicles into a container of salsa
  • work involved screwing

Tune in next time part 484      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I knew Tatiana was trying to upset me, but it was her sister I couldn’t stop thinking about. I envisioned Tessa in my mind and whispered her name in my heart. Plus, I was pretending to be Jason, so it was Jason she was trying to upset and it hardly phased me.

The cavern was now beginning to fill up as the time of the auction drew nigh. A short woman in a pillowy turquoise puffer jacket greeted Oksana. They acted like old chums, but all I could overhear was “… moved out of that room! Last time I saw you you were up to your tits in frogs, and had moss growing in your armpits and on the back of your neck.” It was unclear how literally to take any of that.

The next wave of bidders filed in, all of them wanting to exchange pleasantries with the hostess, but the puffer-coat woman was still holding forth. “And then Clarence dipping his testicles into a container of salsa but shying away when I came after him with the corn chips!”

Oksana swiveled to face one of the new arrivals, abandoning the puffy turquoise person, who glanced my way and caught me smirking at her. “I don’t know what you’re so happy about, Jason,” she said. “I’m going to win this auction and put your brother to work.” She stepped closer. “Just like I put you work.”

I tried to keep the surprise off my face. This woman was a family connection I knew nothing about.

“Do you remember your indenture, Jason? Do you remember what the work involved?”

I looked away, feigning anguish.

“Say it!” she demanded.

I swallowed. I tried to read the correct answer on her face, but she was implacable. It had to have been something unsavory, something demeaning. “The work involved screwing,” I muttered.

“Caps onto medicine bottles, that’s right. And you did well, Jason. I would put you back to work any time.”

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With Great Effort

  • by jenin the bathroom blowdrying her hair
  • still the only one to know
  • newly engaged couple
  • not gonna let you do that to Maxine
  • cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway

Tune in next time part 485      Click Here for Earlier Installments

With great effort I kept the disgust off my face. Of course I knew what medicine bottles this madwoman was talking about. I’d seen them on my mother’s nightstand when I searched her bedroom right before I moved out of the White House for good. Mother was in the bathroom blowdrying her hair at the time, and I never mentioned what I found to anyone. In fact I’m still the only one to know that terrible secret. I should have done something at the time, but Fleur and I were a newly engaged couple, just hours away from our lengthy wedding ceremony and I had bigger things to worry about.

Tatiana swooped in beside me and said, “Jason! I can tell by the set of your eyebrows that you’re about to burst into rap, and I’m not gonna let you do that to Maxine with no warning. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself from dancing, which would cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway. It would disrupt the entire auction.”

So, the puffer coat woman was Maxine. It was a name I had heard before.

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“So,” Maxine Quipped

  • by Kentnot puking or weeping
  • casting frightened glances back over their shoulders
  • Not stylish, but do-able.
  • changes temperature or vibrates
  • unbelievable in this day and age

Tune in next time part 486      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“So,” Maxine quipped, “that look on his face means imminent rapping? You sure it’s not puking or weeping?” Her voice’s naturally grating tone was worsened by the acoustic properties of the cavern, and her outburst sent other bidders fleeing, casting frightened glances back over their shoulders as they went.

Tatiana laughed. “I should let him off his leash!” She gave me a devious squinchy-faced look. “Give her a taste. Just one quick rhyme to let her know who she’s dealing with!” And without waiting for my response she began beat-boxing. The echoey cavern amplified and expanded the sounds, turning all heads our way. I really had no choice but to play along, because Jason would most certainly jump at such a chance to ad lib in front of a crowd.

I pumped my knees to the beat, putting a cocksure expression on my face while my mind raced to find material that was good enough to pass for Jason’s. As I stalled, Tatiana reached the sixteenth bar and felt compelled to break things down. So, her make-believe drum solo bought me a few extra seconds to come up with:

“We need more energy sources for the world that are renewable.
Gigantic windmills in your yard? Not stylish, but do-able.”

I wanted that to be the total of my performance, but now everyone in the cavern was clapping, even the yetis. So, I improvved a few dozen couplets about eco-friendly power generation. It went over pretty well. Maxine indeed started dancing, but her bulky coat prevented me from determining if it produced the promised jiggling and swaying. She did hoot and drop me a wink when one of the lines I tossed out included “when it changes temperature or vibrates.” I got a nice round of applause from all the bidders and henchmen, and several came up to shake hands and agree vehemently with me that continuing to burn coal was unbelievable in this day and age.

But I still couldn’t remember where I had heard of Maxine before.

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Oksana Switched on her Microphone

  • by jensqueezed between so many
  • lick your palm
  • big clown shoes to fill
  • more smock than frock
  • just weeks before the baby was due

Tune in next time part 487      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oksana switched on her microphone and stepped up onto a dais to begin the auction. She gestured, and Jim was brought to her, squeezed between so many yeti-ninjas there was no chance of him escaping.

“Thank you for the warmup act, Jason,” she said. “I’ll be around later to lick your palm, as we say in Colloquillia.” Addressing the whole crowd of international spies and ne’er-do-wells, she went on, “Today’s merchandise has such big clown shoes to fill, and such tiny feet to do it with!”

Two yetis lifted Jim, and a third pulled his shoes off. As one, the crowd gasped.

I felt a knot in my stomach. Which clown was Oksana talking about? The Crystal Clown, perhaps? The auctioneeress kept up her patter, describing my brother’s many features and body parts.

Tatiana appeared at my elbow. She was usually a very stylish woman, but today’s garment was more smock than frock, a shapeless sack that hung from her shoulders, skimmed over her pregnant belly, and was barely long enough to cover her panties. It was a daring amount of leg to show just weeks before the baby was due. Or babies, as was more likely the case with me as the father. I thought back over the past several months and tried to calculate the number of children I might have on the way.

Tatiana whispered, “Let’s pool our funds. I’m sure Titania will let you have Jim when she’s done with him.” She chuckled. “Or what’s left of him.”

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