Tagged: tune in next time

Unlike My Twin, Who Was America’s #1 Wedding Rapper

  • by jendisliked attending weddings
  • invited a tyrant
  • the scent of roses
  • you never know when something like that could be true
  • need a longer snake

Tune in next time part 407      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Unlike my twin, who was America’s #1 wedding rapper, I disliked attending weddings. I avoided them whenever I could, and there were many times I wished I could have avoided my own, since it invited a tyrant of a father-in-law into my life. Fleur and I had married at the White House, and the scent of roses always reminded me of those long, long days of Contrarian ceremony in the Rose Garden with the Warlord glowering at me. I bring this up to illustrate how different Jason and I were on a fundamental level. I tried to explain to Tatiana that while the stars might think I was a suitable substitute, she really ought to think things over before jumping into parenthood with me. I ended my speech with, “There are so many cautionary tales about evil twins, and you never know when something like that could be true.”

But she just smiled at me and said, “You’re both evil in your own way, and right now I just need your DNA.”

While I’d speechified, Myndilynn had somehow gotten Mingus off the crystal throne, leaving it free. They stood off to the side, both nodding coquettishly. Tatiana began a short, sultry strip tease that quickly got my attention. By the end of it we were both nude. She reached for my Little General and said, “It looks like I don’t need a longer snake charmer’s dance. Shall we?” And she seated me on the throne and climbed atop.

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If You Have a Crystal Throne

  • by Kenta game you can play at parties
  • “Seems kind of hinky to me.”
  • unwittingly volunteered
  • something to console my growing fears
  • Ahem: Frozen Yogurt Robot

Tune in next time part 408      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If you have a crystal throne, and your guests are sufficiently uninhibited, then there is a game you can play at parties that bears much resemblance to what Tatiana and I were doing. John and the Mints hung around to watch. I would have preferred a bit of privacy, but Tatiana appeared to relish the attention.

When John commented about part of our performance being especially interesting, the Mingus puppet replied, “Seems kind of hinky to me.”

Upon receipt of my DNA, Tatiana dismounted primly and said, “Next Wednesday, then. Don’t be late.” While she gathered her clothes, I looked to Myndilynn and John to find out what I had unwittingly volunteered for. They exchanged knowing glances and cryptic nods, in Myndilynn’s case also quite coquettish, dashing my already faint hopes of hearing something to console my growing fears that I was, once again, tangled up in deep political maneuverings of which I had no grasp.

“Does he have everything he will need for Wednesday?” John asked. “Here’s the list of supplies.” I began getting dressed, warily monitoring the conversation.

Myndilynn sneered. “That’s so out of date. The most important thing is missing!”

John shrugged.

Myndilynn huffed and Mingus said, “Ahem: Frozen Yogurt Robot.”

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This Life I’ve Been Living

    • by jenno good for my health
    • unexpected circus
    • wearing lipstick and satin pants
    • “You’re drunk.”
    • glitter in your vagina

    Tune in next time part 409      Click Here for Earlier Installments

    This life I’ve been living is no good for my health, or my sanity. As soon as whoever was ventriloquizing Mingus made him utter the words “Frozen Yogurt Robot” I knew that things were about to take an unexpected circusward lurch, and if I wasn’t careful I’d soon be wearing lipstick and satin pants and all the rest of it, performing at a child’s birthday party.

    “If you think I’m going to dress up like a clown on Wednesday, or any other day, you’re drunk.” I pointed at the trio and their unsettling puppet. “You’re drunk.”

    “Are all the men in your family assholes?” Tatiana said. She went on in a mocking imitation of my deep voice, “Now that you’ve got my magnificent magical baby glitter in your vagina, babe, I’ll be on my merry way. I’ve got lots of asshole business I gotta do.”

    “None of this was my idea!”

    Mingus’s wooden head swiveled to look at me, and his stiff eyelids clicked in a blink.

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Maybe We Should Explain

  • by Kentkiss today goodbye
  • I am already jaded
  • glut of slug eggs
  • Life’s too short for uncomfortable underwear.
  • you get the so-called “munchies.”

Tune in next time part 410      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Maybe we should explain it to him,” Myndilynn said. “There is a lot to accomplish in a short amount of time, and we can kiss today goodbye. If he understands, maybe he’ll get on board with the plan.”

John shook his head. “I have known this asshole so long that I am already jaded about the possibility of ever getting him to cooperate. We just need to do things the old-fashioned way. Good thing you have that glut of slug eggs. That really is good timing.”

“Hang on,” I said, but Tatiana’s laughter cut me off.

“I like the old-fashioned way!” she crowed. “The persuasion is so elemental. Universal. Visceral. Life’s too short for uncomfortable underwear. And that, oohhh ho ho, that is really uncomfortable.”

“Let’s go back,” I said. “Myndilynn’s suggestion seemed like a good idea.”

Now it was Mingus’s turn to laugh, his wooden head lolling back and jaw swinging loosely. He composed himself, all the cords that controlled his facial movements coming taut again as he fixed me uncannily with his glass eyes. “Those eggs might also come in handy if you get the so-called ‘munchies.’” His puppet gaze wandered knowingly to John, Myndilynn, and Tatiana, and soon they were all chortling and trying to avoid eye contact with me.

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I Didn’t Have Time to Stand Around While These Weirdos Laughed About Slug Eggs

  • by jenan unfamiliar accent
  • What a soft voice!
  • superfluous mouthsounds
  • endless chain of consequences
  • only had 10 doses

Tune in next time part 411      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I didn’t have time to stand around while these weirdos laughed about slug eggs. My nefarious brother Jim had surely docked his stolen zeppelin by now, and must already be making his way into this lair. Not knowing whether the Mints were expecting him gave my trepidation an unfamiliar accent. The voice in my head — What a soft voice! — told me to play along with the puppet and those he puppeted, to gather what information I could before Jim’s imminent arrival upset the balance of power one way or the other.

John and Tatiana were still talking about the slug eggs, gulping and smacking their lips and making other superfluous mouthsounds as they predicted what it would be like to watch me eat them.

If I had known, back in the water beneath the pier when John attacked me with a harpoon, that my escape would lead to an endless chain of consequences that would bring me here to Disco Island to watch a giant ventriloquist puppet and his wife plot with John and my latest baby-mama-to be, I might have made slightly different choices.

I put on my General underpants and trousers, and remembered something Aloysius had told me as he stitched my uniform. “All Contrarian military uniforms include capsules of knockout gas,” he’d said. He was running low and only had 10 doses to give me, but he showed me where the hidden trigger was, and how the gas would spray out of the mouths of the epaulet-squirrels.

I shrugged into my General jacket. Perhaps I was not at such a disadvantage after all.

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After All the Exertions

  • by Kentfelt in dire need of a beer
  • these California candy bars
  • something other than your face
  • “Tut, tut, child; tut, tut,”
  • I uncurl and rub the

Tune in next time part 412      Click Here for Earlier Installments

After all the exertions of reaching this island, plus those that happened here in the throne room, I felt in dire need of a beer. But I had no time to relax with a cold beverage, not with Jim on the loose. My need to be away from these “California candy bars” (as we used to say at the Academy) was even more dire.

But I acted calm, as if I had come over to their side. Not that I even knew what that meant. But when dealing with knockout gas, if it sprays in something other than your face it’s not very effective. So I needed to be able to get my epaulets close so the tiny squirrels could do their job.

Standing between John and Tatiana, I triggered both my shoulders’ nozzles. With a gentle hiss, the gas sent them tumbling into dreamland. I turned to catch Tatiana, acting surprised, and when Myndilynn leaned close to see what was wrong I gassed her, too.

That just left the Mingus puppet, which remained standing. Its eyes continued to follow my movements. Unnerved, I aimed a squirrel at Mingus and hit him full in the wooden kisser.

“Tut, tut, child; tut, tut,” he said.

“You have to let me go,” I stammered. “It might already be too late to stop my brother.”

“Forget about Jim,” Mingus boomed, and I wondered how he knew which of my brothers I was talking about. “His plans are doomed as soon as I uncurl and rub the sacred banana leaf.”

I ran from the throne room, the life-size puppet’s maniacal laughter echoing after me.

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I Found a Paternoster

  • by jenhums constantly
  • spend our Christmas Eve murdering crustaceans
  • we’re just two gals cleaning in our underwear
  • Donuts are never morally sketchy
  • escorted Violet and Harriet

Tune in next time part 413      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I found a paternoster before I found the stairs, and was glad of it. It was a long, long way up to the laboratory in the mountain peak where Jim had tethered the zeppelin. A paternoster is a series of doorless compartments on an endless belt that hums constantly along, carrying people up and down through tall buildings. Or, in this case, through the heart of an evil, mime-and-ventriloquist-infested island lair. I watched the opening in the wall for a few seconds to make sure I had the timing right, and was about to step into the briskly rising cubicle when two women appeared from behind a curtain. They looked startled to see me.

One of them was dressed in a beret and a black and white striped bodysuit. Her face was painted a deathly white. Her companion wore a tuxedo-inspired bustier, complete with top hat and bowtie. Before the curtain fell closed I caught a glimpse of a video monitor showing the crystal throne and the Mingus puppet, and a complicated set of joysticks.

I said, “Does Myndilynn know it’s you two controlling her husband?”

“Who us?” said the frightened tuxedo girl. “We don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just two girls who spend our Christmas Eve murdering crustaceans.”

Her mouth stopped moving, but her voice continued, seemingly coming from the flopping jaw of her mime friend. “We’re just two gals cleaning in our underwear! Our names are Violet and Harriet. We’re ever so innocent, General!”

I should have recognized the sisters immediately. Violet and Harriet Donut came through the Academy a few years behind me, but their reputations… Let’s just say the Donuts are never morally sketchy — they are full tilt amoral, nothing sketchy about it.

It would be foolish to let them go, so I escorted Violet and Harriet onto the paternoster, and we began our long ride to the summit.

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Being Cooped Up In Such A Confined Space

  • by Kentwith a purposeful grimace
  • cool it on the hedgehog kissing
  • “It’s stuck on something.”
  • trimmed with black and red
  • tastes like mayonnaise

Tune in next time part 414      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Being cooped up in such a confined space with the Donuts made me nervous, but I wanted to conserve the rest of my knockout gas so there was nothing to be done about it except stare at them with a purposeful grimace to keep them from getting any ideas. The last solid information I had about them was really just a rumor. They allegedly wrote the same cryptic message in everyone’s yearbook upon graduating from the Academy: cool it on the hedgehog kissing. What that code might mean, I couldn’t guess.

Paternosters don’t move very fast, so the journey to the top of the mountain was taking a very long time. Suddenly there was a jolt and a loud squeal, and the machine stopped. There were no controls, no phone, no hatchway. None of the plot contrivances afforded by a conventional elevator.

Violet — or maybe Harriet, I still didn’t know which one was the mime — peered along the edge of the opening in our box. She squinted, and then her mouth moved. Slightly out of sync came her sister’s voice saying, “It’s stuck on something.”

I rolled my eyes. “Stuck on what?” I asked. The sister in the fancy bustier trimmed in black and red satin rolled her eyes right back at me and shrugged. I went over to the edge. “Let me take a look.”

While I squinted through the gap between our box and the rock shaft it traveled in, the mime Donut wriggled against my side. I tried to pretend I didn’t notice. The last thing I needed on a day like this was another seduction. Too late I learned what she was really reaching for, when the squirrel on my right epaulet hissed in my face. And I also learned that the knockout gas Aloysius gave me tastes like mayonnaise.

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In Addition to Rendering You Unconscious

  • by jencobra yoga
  • on her knees before me
  • cheap, orange dress
  • taped to a chair
  • too goddam stinky to be a hallucination

Tune in next time part 415      Click Here for Earlier Installments

In addition to rendering you unconscious, Contrarian knockout gas is a known hallucinogen. When I came to I wasn’t sure whether to believe my eyes. I was surrounded by mimes operating laboratory equipment. They were heating samples over bunsen burners while pretending to make notes, running centrifuges while checking imaginary watches, and mixing compounds while consulting imaginary instructions. As the stench of the chemicals reached me I concluded that it was too goddamn stinky to be a hallucination. Was this the lab where they were testing the substance in my semen?

I wanted to leave the room to escape the noxious fumes, but I was taped to a chair. I strained against my bonds. The mimes noticed that I was awake and sounded their silent alarm.

My sisters Jemma and Jemima hurried into the room wearing matching cheap, orange dresses that looked like uniforms from some greasy fast food restaurant. What the hell were they doing here on Disco Island? And where was Jim? Were these two still under his control?

“Why don’t you guys let me go,” I said, my tongue still rubbery from the gas. “I need to get back to Fleur.”

Jemma got down on her knees before me and looked up into my face. “Your speech is all fucked up, Jason,” she said with an exaggerated wink. “Keep your mouth shut until the gas wears off.” She tapped a quick message on my shinbone as she stood, telling me that she was hiding here to avoid her obligation to the Guild of Fire Eaters.

The mimes had all stopped their laboratory activities and were watching us intently. My sisters began a dance so fluid and sinuous it could only be performed by contortionists. It’s called cobra yoga, and its performance soon had the entire troop of mimes entranced.

But since when were Jem and Jem contortionists?

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While All the Mimes Were Hypnotized

  • by Kentwhile intoxicated
  • just a big ol’ velvet trenchcoat
  • and away he went
  • small, hot, damp pillow
  • his tiny painted teeth

Tune in next time part 416      Click Here for Earlier Installments

While all the mimes were hypnotized would have been the perfect time to break free, but no matter how I strained against my bonds I couldn’t tear them. Soon my arms were as rubbery as my tongue. The tape really didn’t look that strong. I concluded that my weakness was from the knockout gas, and that I wouldn’t get far anyway while intoxicated with its residue. The feeling was not at all unpleasant, just a big ol’ velvet trenchcoat draped over my whole body, but my situation was too dire to allow me to enjoy it.

I watched Jem and Jem dancing, hoping that one of them would drop me another coded hint about what was going on here. Movement among the mesmerized mimes drew my eye, and I realized that I recognized one of them. It was Harriet or Violet Donut, and she was sneaking toward the exit.

“Jem!” I shouted in warning. My sisters didn’t stop dancing, but the Donut sister made her move, dashing out the door. One of the other mimes snapped out of his trance, holding his head dramatically with both hands and swaying in a full 360 before giving chase. At last he threw one leg over an invisible bicycle, and away he went with an awkward pedaling gait.

Jim strode in through a door on the opposite side of the lab. He wore a long, white coat, and when it gapped I could see that he also still had on Fleur’s bejeweled garb underneath. Safety goggles and thick purple gloves rounded out his mad-scientist look. He was carrying a lumpy object as he walked directly over to me.

“Hey there, brother,” he drawled. And with that he placed the lump on my lap. It felt like a small, hot, damp pillow, but it was moving. “Meet Clyde.”

The creature, Clyde, raised his snout at me and bared his tiny painted teeth.

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