Tagged: tune in next time

A Rope Ladder Swung

  • k-avatarsee his brain whirl
  • “Are you saying I’ve grown fat?”
  • felt as though you were in an ice bath for a millisecond
  • that zipped on the sides
  • in his room, planning his revenge

Tune In Next Time Part 31                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

A rope ladder swung before me, the lowest rung knocking me in the face. The helicopter hovered high over the ship, paying out a very long ladder so it could stay clear of the masts. With great effort I hooked an elbow over one rung and placed my feet on another.

The chopper climbed, pulling me upwards. At the hatchway, I got stuck momentarily until I exhaled. Then I was yanked free and the helicopter sped off, reeling me in gradually as it flew, giving me ample time to wonder who it was that rescued me.

Mitzy. I should have known she’d put in an appearance eventually. She stood in the open doorway of the helicopter wearing sequined overalls that zipped on the sides. As she guided my exhausted body into the compartment she said, “You weren’t stuck for long, but the surprise felt as though you were in an ice bath for a millisecond.”

“Are you saying I’ve grown fat?” I demanded. “There was nothing there but cotton candy — poisoned cotton candy — what was I supposed to do? I’m starving as it is.”

Mitzy’s worst habit, among many irritating tendencies, was speaking about people rather than to them. She said, “Soon he is in his room, planning his revenge. I can see his brain whirl, spinning fantastic torments for his enemies.”

“Mitzy, I just want a shower and a stiff drink, in that order.”

Where was she taking me? What happened to Jorgensen’s crew? Was I too late to protect Tessa from the deepest secrets of the treasure?

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The Helicopter Flew Over the Sea

  • by jenpresidential sex saga
  • ushered into the presence of Thor himself
  • and the hissing of the flames
  • — and go away with it
  • the old house in which my father died

Tune In Next Time Part 32                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The helicopter flew over the sea for an hour, and then over the land, and finally touched down on the lawn of the old house in which my father died. Some people call it the White House. I didn’t like to be reminded of the part my father played in the presidential sex saga scandal, and wondered why Mitzy brought me here, of all places. I wished I could take the helicopter’s controls — wrench them from the pilot’s hands if I must! — and go away with it to some other location.

I looked at Mitzy for an explanation. Perhaps we were here to destroy the damn place, and the hissing of the flames would sing me to sleep tonight. My hopes were dashed when Mitzy said, “And now he will be ushered into the presence of Thor himself!”

Thor was, of course, my brother. He had been vice-president until the whole sex scandal forced our mother from office. I wondered many times if he orchestrated the imbroglio that resulted in our father’s death. I hoped I would survive this encounter. Tessa was the furthest thing from my mind, which, as it turns out, was a mistake.

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Mitzy’s Goons Frogmarched Me

  • k-avatarsang the last line of the song
  • nothing to do with my sister being in the room
  • seating configuration woes
  • strands of red hair
  • recommended by four out of five

Tune In Next Time Part 33                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Mitzy’s goons frogmarched me down a long hallway and into a windowless room with a beaten up desk where my brother Thor sat, flanked by secret service. On the desk was a birthday cake. As the door closed behind me, the secret service agents sang the last line of the song and Thor blew out his candles.

He swiped a delicate finger through the bright blue frosting and then licked it off. The minty smell hit me, and he said, “Alternative cake decoration recommended by four out of five dentists.”

I smirked. “Hello, ‘Thor,'” I said. But of course I could tell by the voice that this was in fact Thor’s twin, Freya. They were otherwise identical, at least above the waist. “I thought since the scandal you wouldn’t be welcome anymore. Does Mother know you’re here? And by the way, it’s not your birthday.”

“Of course not, on all counts,” Freya replied calmly. “And it’s father’s birthday. Didn’t you think there were too many candles?” She folded her hands on the desk. “Sit. I have many questions for you.”

Freya was using the only chair, so I remained standing. But a drop of sweat ran down the back of my neck. My unease had nothing to do with my sister being in the room, or with her pretending to be my brother, or even the seating configuration woes. What chilled my blood was noticing the strands of red hair on the carpet.

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The Full Implication of My Discovery

  • by jenwith a cold, wet hand towel
  • Jason, what happened?
  • how can I tell you I was wrong?
  • America’s number 1 wedding rapper
  • usually either annoying or terrifying

Tune In Next Time Part 34                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The full implication of my discovery was like being struck across the face with a cold, wet hand towel. I don’t find red hair chilling usually — either annoying or terrifying, depending on the source, but not chilling. In this case though, its presence on the carpet could only mean one thing. Tessa had been here, and recently. Was she a prisoner, or in league with one of my siblings?

Freya saw the look on my face and said, “Jason, what happened?”

I was surprised that Freya could not tell me apart from my twin. Being a twin herself, she was usually quite sensitive to the faux pas. For now I decided to let her go on believing I was Jason, America’s number 1 wedding rapper. As long as I didn’t have to actually rap I should be fine.

I said, “How can I tell you I was wrong? Wrong about Mother, wrong about Thor, wrong about Father’s death, wrong about everything?”

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Freya’s Mistake

  • k-avatarlooked the beautiful girl right in the eye
  • actually sounds kind of great
  • nevertheless distinctly visible
  • smart, hilarious, ambitious, and very attractive
  • I need new clothes

Tune In Next Time Part 35                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Freya’s mistake made sense because, officially, I was in prison. My sister therefore assumed I had to be Jason. But Tessa knew I was out. What would happen when she saw me here? Freya studied me closely while I plotted my game under the pretense of searching for the right words.

“I need new clothes,” I told her. “Mr President,” I added when Freya arched one eyebrow and darted furtive glances at the secret service guys. “Like I wear at my gigs,” I prompted. Jason’s signature getup included a broad-brimmed hat and a kerchief over his face, as well as a flowing velvet cape, all in tones of vermillion. It might be enough to keep Tessa from recognizing me.

Freya and the secret service agents left me alone in the room, but they didn’t leave the birthday cake. An hour later, freshly attired, I was escorted to a meeting room where Freya — still impersonating her twin, Thor — sat at the head of the table. Tessa sat to her left. The candles were no longer lit, but the cake was nevertheless distinctly visible in the center of the table.

“Jason will rap for us now,” Freya announced.

“That actually sounds kind of great,” Tessa said before I could beg off. She smiled at me. I looked the beautiful girl right in the eye and saw no hint of a double agenda. Excuses occurred to me, ways that I could get out of performing, but that eager, happy smile on her lovely face was too wonderful.

Another secret service guy had a deck with two turntables, from which a heavy beat commenced. I imitated Jason’s trademark dance step, mincing like a rooster that had to pee really bad. Everyone else started clapping to the beat. I waited for it to come around and dove in.

“My favorite spy, her code name should be nitroglycerin. Cause she’s gonna blow it up, make counteragents disappearin’. She must be handled with care, cause she’s unstable and reactive. But I can’t stay gone, cause she’s also smart, hilarious, ambitious, and very attractive.”

Swept up in the flow of my mad rhymes, I didn’t notice when another dignitary took a seat at the table.

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“That’s All Very Impressive, I’m Sure, Jason.”

  • by jenon this green, almost transparent sea
  • Whenever she wore pants
  • we could be dead by morning
  • makes me want to move to South Dakota
  • bloodless cheeks

Tune In Next Time Part 36                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“That’s all very impressive, I’m sure, Jason,” said my mother, the former president and current Ambassador to South Dakota. “But do you really think this a time to be spitting mad flow? We could be dead by morning, all of us.”

The fact that my own mother couldn’t tell me apart from my twin is not something that makes me want to move to South Dakota, that’s for sure. But I didn’t say that out loud. Out loud I said, “Word,” and crossed my arms over my chest in my best imitation of Jason’s ludicrous posturing.

If Tessa’s bloodless cheeks were any indication, she had not expected Mother’s arrival. The poor girl was trembling. That was good news for me, as it kept her attention off of me.

Whenever she wore pants, my sister Freya was practically indistinguishable from her brother Thor, but that should not have fooled our mother, so her next statement surprised me. “Thor,” she said, turning her withering gaze to Freya, “the Pirate-Ninja Alliance are in formation on this green, almost transparent sea.” She indicated a swath of ocean off the South Dakota coast.

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The Body of Water Mother Was Pointing At

  • k-avatarother worker won employee of the month
  • please put your hood back on
  • we’re trying to make our own luck
  • bedeck me in the other world
  • posted images of a coded note card

Tune In Next Time Part 37                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The body of water Mother was pointing at was officially known as the Sea of Imbroglio, which was the nearest my father would ever come to a memorial. It formed in the same cataclysmic events that expanded and merged the Great Lakes, eradicated Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Michigan, and took Father’s life. Mother wept at its mere mention. Now it was to be the staging ground for her next big scheme?

The truth struck me like a jai-alai serve to the head. This wasn’t Mother, it was her twin sister, Aunt Züg! That was why she failed to recognize Freya or me. I squinted at Freya, trying to read her awareness of the ruse. Without the sitting president to back my play, it was too risky calling out Aunt Züg’s deception.

“Tessa, darling,” the ersatz Ambassador to South Dakota said, “have you seen Jason’s brother at all lately? I promised him to Jorgensen when this is all over.” Tessa shook her head. “I see. Now, please put your hood back on. Listen up, all of you. The recipe for revolution is three parts chance and two parts ideology, and we’re trying to make our own luck. None of us can afford to slouch like some other worker won employee of the month. It’s no use crying, ‘Let them bedeck me in the other world with ribbons and medals,’ for it’s in this world that the Ambassador to North Dakota posted images of a coded note card showing, we believe, the only weakness in his citadel’s defenses. It’s these ninjas and pirates whose alliance we must exploit. And it’s the precious treasure brought to us by Tessa — please lower your hood now — that makes it all possible!”

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Tessa Lowered Her Hood As Directed

  • by jenShe trembled and twitched
  • throb of blood-vessels in my ears
  • worms were in a frenzy
  • the nude celebrity site
  • Others were silent.

Tune In Next Time Part 38                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Tessa lowered her hood as directed, and stood. Something about her seemed wrong, her movements were not the fluid, graceful motions of the girl I knew so long ago. She trembled and twitched, her skin seeming to crawl across her frame. The throb of blood-vessels in my ears sounded as if my head were packed full of worms and the worms were in a frenzy. I hadn’t been this disturbed since the time I saw my father’s scandalous pictures on the nude celebrity site.

“Never mind about those ninjas and pirates,” I said, forgetting to employ Jason’s trademark lisp. “That’s not Tessa! That’s an impostor!”

Not-Tessa twisted her head to look at me, emitting a faint keening sound. Some of the secret service agents began muttering into their radios. Others were silent.

“Then I suppose we are all impostors!” The voice came from the direction of the birthday cake on the table, which suddenly erupted, pelting us all with chocolate crumbs and minty blue frosting. On the platter, Lyudmila, contortionist and John’s sister, finished unfolding herself and stood, brandishing a Glock.

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Lyudmila Speared Me With Her Gaze

  • k-avatarescape from one calamity
  • in a variety of frownings and snortings
  • I’d like to have another kiss
  • no longer aimless
  • “I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime.”

Tune In Next Time Part 39                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Lyudmila speared me with her gaze through the sights of her pistol, and I could tell she recognized me instantly. Secret service agents began diving on top of Freya, thinking they were protecting the president. Soon they were heaped up to the ceiling. Aunt Züg flung herself behind the dogpile.

That left just Lyudmila, the phony Tessa, and me.

The strange noise coming from Not-Tessa climbed in pitch and volume, then she bolted for the exit, moving with superhuman speed. Rather than give chase, Lyudmila kept me squarely in her sights and approached. “Forget her,” she said, still training the weapon on me. “Let’s go, back steps.”

Story of my life, to escape from one calamity by being engulfed in another. At least this meant the conspirators in the White House didn’t have the real treasure, which was with the real Tessa. I hoped. As she directed me along the passages, Lyudmila finished ridding herself of cake and toothpaste in a variety of frownings and snortings. “You don’t need the gun,” I told her. “I should be thanking you.”

“Shut up,” she said. “Do you know what I’ve been through to track you down? And where the hell is John?” I shrugged, my thoughts and concerns now aimless. Much as I worried about Tessa, I couldn’t help thinking how I’d like to have another kiss from Lyudmila. “Well? Where is John!” she demanded.

“You told me to shut up,” I said. “And anyway, I have no idea where he is, or Tessa. And I think we need to find them.” My concerns were no longer aimless. “Something’s going on here, and one or both of them are mixed up in it.”

Suddenly Lyudmila collapsed in tears. She holstered the Glock and said, “Don’t you think I know that?” After three great, heaving sobs, she said, “I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime.”

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After Wiping Her Tears On Her Sleeve

  • by jenare grossly underrepresented
  • save trouble and time for me
  • he would never have wings
  • curio shop in Baltimore
  • attract the attention of the young gentlemen

Tune In Next Time Part 40                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

After wiping her tears on her sleeve, Lyudmila explained. “You know how women are grossly underrepresented among the ranks of both ninjas and pirates? When Thor got that hiring quota legislation passed, I applied to both.”

A supremely bad idea, I knew. The Pirate Ninja Alliance was still in its infancy, and there was much distrust between the two factions. By applying to both she might appear as a double agent, especially if her connection to John were known. “How’d that work out?” I asked, knowing the answer would be convoluted.

I was not wrong.

Lyudmila grabbed my hand and hustled me through the back halls of the White House as she filled me in.

“… so then John had to save Trouble and Time for me,” she said. Trouble and Time were her matching Miniature Pinschers, kidnapped by Jorgenson earlier in her sprawling tale. “You know how John was, before he and Tessa got together and she made him get his shit together. He would never have wings in his backpack, or a parasail or anything, so he had to go to this little curio shop in Baltimore and buy a pair of reproduction Da Vinci strap-ons, and then glide out to where Jorgenson’s ship was moored.”

We climbed the narrow back stairs as she talked, my wrist in her vise-like grip. We emerged onto the roof, a two-seater helicopter waiting in the shadows.

Lyudmila pulled a tiny steel whistle from her cleavage and gave an inaudible toot. From the helicopter sprang Trouble and Time. The two small dogs pranced into the moonlight and yipped to attract the attention of the young gentlemen who were supposed to be standing guard.

A quick, silent sprint, and Lyudmila and I were in the helicopter. She was in the pilot seat. Once more she blew her whistle, calling her dogs back. The guards pulled their weapons, but as we lifted off I tossed the velvet cape from my Jason costume out the open side. It fluttered down upon their heads, allowing us to rise into the night.

“Jason is waiting for us,” Lyudmila said with a smile. “Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

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