Tagged: tune in next time

As I Watched My Former Lover Face Near-Certain Death

  • by jenmazes of winding passageways
  • a bit of low-level xenophobia, right?
  • seizing the black bottle
  • the Lyudmila who was not his sister
  • her mother bought it in Germany

Tune In Next Time Part 21                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

As I watched my former lover face near-certain death by shark attack, I turned the metal box over in my hands. Tessa alone knew the combination. Should I save her? Offer to share the treasure with her in exchange for her help? Demand the digits as the price for her life, keeping the box’s contents for myself?

The fins sliced through the waves, stalking her. It reminded me of when I first met her, years ago at a party. She strode in wearing nothing but a sharkskin minidress. I found out later her mother bought it in Germany. I was drawn to her immediately, and asked her to dance. That’s when John strode in with a couple of girls, both named Lyudmila. He kissed the Lyudmila who was not his sister, and then noticed me dancing with the delectable Tessa. He discarded Lyudmila rather rudely and tried to cut between me and Tessa, but she turned her back on him, seizing the black bottle of our host’s inky homebrew liquor in one hand and me in the other.

To John and his shabby treatment of his Russian date she said, “Nothing like a bit of low-level xenophobia, right?”

Before he could even formulate a reply she dragged me out of the party and through mazes of winding passageways to her own apartment where we spent the rest of the night downing the bitter black alcohol and screwing.

Could I let a girl like that be eaten by sharks? I could not.

 

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“Hey!” I Shouted to Tessa

  • k-avatarI was thunderstruck
  • from a 72-year-old American woman
  • she was in love with him
  • looked first at the money
  • in an effort to stop the bleeding

Tune In Next Time Part 22                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Hey!” I shouted to Tessa, “look what I found!”

I knew she’d sit in that inflatable boat and let the sharks get her as long as she thought John was due to surface with the treasure any second. He should have spotted the digging machine and my hasty excavations and known immediately what happened. He should have come back up already, which made me suspect he wasn’t going to.

I shouted for Tessa again, waving the box over my head so rusty seawater drizzled from it into my eyes. I heard her start the zodiac’s motor, and I heard it grow louder and climb in pitch. Whew! She was headed for shore. Wiping my eyes, I saw the boat barreling straight at me. I was thunderstruck that she apparently meant to ram me. I didn’t want to be zodiac-struck as well, so I jumped to the side and then ran up the beach.

I stopped and turned in time to see Tessa leap from the beached boat. She pulled out the snub-nosed revolver she stole from a 72-year-old American woman at the Oscars several years ago. That woman had stolen it from Joseph Gordon Levitt, because she was in love with him and didn’t want him to be near any guns. Tessa looked like she wanted me to be near some bullets.

“We can still be partners,” I said. “I know you have the combination for this. And I have, well, I have this.” I jiggled the box, watching her eyes wobble to follow its movements.

The pistol in her hand went off. The box sprang open. Her shot had struck it instead of me. Whew again! But then I slumped onto the sand, which was already soaked with my blood. The ricochet had sent the slug into my leg.

Tessa ran up as the people from the film set ran in all directions.

She stood over me and the open box. She looked first at the money in the box, wads of carefully shrink-wrapped bills in large denominations. Then she squeezed my thigh. It was probably in an effort to stop the bleeding. I wanted to make a flirty wisecrack, but despite the horrendous pain in my leg I was suddenly too sleepy to fight it. I laid my head back on the dry sand and let myself spiral down.

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My Eyes Were Full of Sand

  • by jenSure, it’s iconic and colorful and mesmerizing
  • impelling the machine uphill
  • it had been about eels
  • she was lost in the city
  • expressing his feelings by serious pantomime

Tune In Next Time Part 23                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

My eyes were full of sand when I opened them. I lay on the beach, blood still oozing from my leg wound. As I tried to get my bearings, I remembered the dream that haunted my childhood. I don’t know why, but it had been about eels, and I’d had it again just now, passed out on the shore by the pier. Sure, it’s iconic and colorful and mesmerizing to have a recurring dream, but those eels man, they haunt me.

I sat up in time to see John emerge from the crashing surf, still alive. Dammit. In his grip was my underwater digging apparatus. It seems that John escaped his sharky fate by impelling the machine uphill instead of down, and letting it drag him along behind it. Not for the first time I cursed my engineering prowess.

When John saw me laying there bleeding all over the empty metal box he began expressing his feelings by serious pantomime, his jutting middle fingers quivering in rage.

“Where is Tessa?” he bellowed, stomping up to where I was sprawled.

I knew Tessa was a terrible navigator. I knew she was lost in the city, hopelessly trying to find her way to whatever rendezvous she and John had arranged. My only chance was to send John the wrong way so that I could get some much-needed medical attention and then find her myself.

“They took her,” I lied through gritted teeth. “The ninjas took her.”

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My Nemesis Pulled a Handkerchief From the Pocket

  • by jenbetween forkfuls of pie
  • a good elementary textbook
  • “Those evil pricks
  • rubbing his hands
  • from the pocket of his greasy blue jacket

Tune In Next Time Part 24                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

My nemesis pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of his greasy blue jacket and mopped his forehead with it. It did absolutely no good because it was as soaked with seawater as the rest of him.

“Those evil pricks from NSFW took Tessa and you’re just laying there, bleeding?”

“It wasn’t NSFW,” I lied. “It was Ninja Vision.”

In reality it wasn’t ninjas at all. Tessa had run off on her own, but I didn’t want John to know that. I laid there and winced at John rubbing his hands all over me in what I can only assume was an attempt to frisk me. He should brush up on his technique. I could even recommend a good elementary textbook on the topic if there wasn’t so much bad blood between us.

John erroneously concluded I was unarmed and left me laying in the sand to rescue Tessa from the Ninjas that didn’t have her. I pulled myself to my feet and leaned against the craft services table, watching him run slowly across the beach.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, and there was a whole delicious spread right there on the table that was holding me up, so between forkfuls of pie I dug the bullet out of my thigh with a pair of chopsticks. I used the sterno flame from the chafing dish to cauterize the wound, and then I was ready to find Tessa and the treasure.

I Limped Away From the Feast

  • k-avatarswim in his blood
  • makes her look tired and crazy at the same time
  • did not have a telephone herself
  • a human hand with two severed fingers clutched in its palm
  • arranged a reunion

Tune In Next Time Part 25                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

I limped away from the feast on the craft services table, back to where the sand was darkened by my blood. Tessa’s tracks led away to the right, John’s to the left. Good. Now I had to hope fate hadn’t arranged a reunion for them somewhere in the city.

And I had to hope Tessa wouldn’t start spending the money from the box. If she unrolled the bills, she might find the real treasure. Someone had to be there with her when she saw it. Even after all her shady dealings with me, she didn’t deserve to confront that alone.

The blood-drenched patch of sand drew my attention. Not because it was my blood, but because of the NSFW insignia (a human hand with two severed fingers clutched in its palm) that someone had crudely etched there. They must have done it after I got up, and I’d been standing only a few feet away ever since.

Ninjas. I hate those guys.

It appeared that my ruse with John might turn out to be true after all. Warning Tessa would be so simple, but my phone had been ruined and she did not have a telephone herself. She adamantly refused to carry one, because she said someone being fixated on a screen held in her hand makes her look tired and crazy at the same time.

With a little luck, it would be John that the ninjas were really after. “Go get him,” I muttered, knowing it was only too likely that one of them could hear me. “Swim in his blood.”

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Listening in Vain for Ninjas

  • by jenexplosives placed inside
  • exposing a great deal more of her breast than she had intended
  • may have picked up a knife
  • “You should hire one.”
  • suck it in

Tune In Next Time Part 26                              Click Here for Earlier Installments

Listening in vain for ninjas, I thought about the explosives placed inside some of the rolls of cash Tessa had run off with. The thought of her blowing up was troubling, but not as troubling as the thought of her discovering what was hidden in the remaining rolls of cash.

I was there the day John’s sister Lyudmila made all of those tight, fancy cash bundles. She’d been a sushi chef before John dragged her into his life of danger. She had a real flair for creating dramatic presentations of both raw fish and cold hard cash. Lyudmila made a show of tucking one of the wads of currency, done up like an ebi nigiri, into her bra. Her smile turned into a blush as she realized she was exposing a great deal more of her breast than she had intended.

Looking back I don’t think it was an accident. That was the night Lyudmila and I became lovers, the night Tessa and I had our first fight. I think John put Lyudmila up to it. He’d always had his eye on Tessa.

Thoughts of irate sushi chefs and their unhinged brothers made me think that Tessa may have picked up a knife before she left the movie set. The craft services table was littered with cutlery. If she had armed herself I could fear less for her safety and more for my own.

Alert for John’s return, or attacking ninjas, or Tessa waiting in ambush, I scuffled my way across the sand, following Tessa’s footprints.

“Hey,” called a female voice. “Are you the personal trainer?”

I turned and saw a gorgeous woman in a bikini coming out of one of the dressing trailers. She took one look at me and said, “I guess not.” She wrinkled her nose. “You should hire one.” Her blue eyes danced over my body in my soaking wet clothes. “In the meantime, suck it in.”

Ouch.

 

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The Bikini-Clad Woman’s Eyes

  • k-avatarwe now must say goodbye
  • had kept his word
  • large, surgically enhanced breasts
  • stretched across a cartilaginous scaffolding
  • fluffed the pillow

Tune In Next Time Part 27                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The bikini-clad woman’s eyes forgot me the moment they strayed to more appealing scenery. Mine, meanwhile, forgot to stop staring at her. She didn’t seem to mind, because it seemed she didn’t notice. She cocked her head to one side, her gaze riveted to the horizon far out to sea.

I turned to find out what had her so preoccupied. It was a tall ship, a three-masted frigate. It was too distant to make out the colors it flew, but in light of all else that had happened I knew it could mean only one thing.

“I’m afraid we now must say goodbye to the ocean,” I told the woman in the two-piece. The ship was approaching fast, making me more certain every second that I knew what vessel it was. If Heinrich had kept his word this wouldn’t be happening, or if Jorgensen hadn’t kept his.

She crossed her arms beneath her large, surgically enhanced breasts and raised one eyebrow at me. The skin around her eye was unnaturally thin, and stretched across a cartilaginous scaffolding. The eye itself was glass. “But then I’d miss my ride,” she lilted. “I hope Captain Jorgensen warmed my bunk for me, or at least fluffed the pillow.”

Dammit. As if things weren’t complicated enough, I was about to be shanghaied by the pirate-ninja alliance.

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The Woman With The Glass Eye

  • by jenthey get angry.
  • a big bag of money
  • portrait of a marriage in trouble
  • his own skillful hands
  • perfectly shameful to take advantage of Mrs Hunter’s good nature

Tune In Next Time Part 28                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The woman with the glass eye and the bikini clamped her hand onto my shoulder as the ship approached. How could I get out of this? I couldn’t offer her a big bag of money because Tessa had run off with it all. Perhaps I could seduce her. She’d seemed unimpressed by my physique a few moments ago, but it was worth a shot. No matter my failings, I was pretty sure I was more appealing than Jorgensen.

I tried to channel James Bond at his suavest as I wrapped my arm around her waist.

“You’re kidding, right?” she sneered.

Next thing I knew she dragged me into the surf. Her arm around my throat immobilized me, and she swam with me out to meet the ship. Jorgensen himself hauled us aboard with his own skillful hands.

“He tried to make a pass,” the bikini woman said.

“It’s perfectly shameful to take advantage of Mrs Hunter’s good nature,” Jorgensen snarled.

Mrs Hunter? Oh shit. That could only mean my tormentress and kidnapper was the estranged wife of Heinrich Hunter. I’d heard rumors. From day one theirs was the very portrait of a marriage in trouble. Things got so bad it nearly destroyed the pirate ninja alliance. The glass eye really should have tipped me off. It was a souvenir of the Hunters’ tempestuous honeymoon. And now Aphrodite Hunter was keeping company with Captain Jorgensen.

The biggest problem with pirates and ninjas is that they lose all honor when they get angry. This would not end well.

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Jorgensen Threw A Net Over Me

  • k-avataruses it for a cellphone ad
  • this is not about my ambition
  • it’s a whole lotta whole lot
  • fell into the cotton candy pit
  • company they helped politically

Tune In Next Time Part 29                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jorgensen threw a net over me and ordered his crew to drag me below and throw me in the brig. Sliding over the planks on my back, I had to wonder if the alliance was in financial trouble. What other explanation for a buccaneer who takes the skull and bones off his mainsail and instead uses it for a cellphone ad?

Another hint of monetary woes was the crewmen themselves. Their soundless approach was no surprise, but the white face paint was. Ninjas and pirates had powerful unions, but mimes would scab for practically nothing, and, obviously, you never hear them complain about their work conditions. I thought I saw an angle that might lead to my escape.

But the next moment I was flung down an open hatch into the hold. My startled scream turned to a puzzled grunt as I fell into the cotton candy pit. Ever wondered how much cotton candy a frigate can carry? Well, it’s a lot. In fact it’s a whole lotta whole lot. The salt water saturating my clothes and hair dissolved the fuzzy cargo like acid, and I sank through a shaft shaped like a cutout of a man who should have cut his losses long ago.

Aphrodite Hunter peered down on me with her one good eye and the remarkably lifelike glass one. She cackled, then said, “You won’t starve, but your dentist might have some stern words for you at your next checkup! Just wanted you to know, this is not about my ambition to rule the pirate ninja alliance. Your friend John is up to something with Heinrich, something shady with a company they helped politically, which makes you my insurance policy.”

I wanted to tell her she had it all wrong, that holding me wouldn’t give her any leverage over John. But the lid slammed down over the hatch and I was left in sticky darkness.

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I Remained in the Brig for Days

  • by jenringing of church bells
  • until the helicopter came
  • a very pretty demonstration
  • for it is poisoned
  • decorated with curtains of a saffron hue

Tune In Next Time Part 30                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

I remained in the brig for days. During that time I saw no one, not a single pirate, ninja, or mime. I ate so much cotton candy I began to hallucinate that my prison was a small cottage decorated with curtains of a saffron hue, and filled with the sound of the ringing of church bells.

As my stupor ebbed away, I said out loud, “Don’t be fooled. This is a very pretty demonstration of the effects of iocaine poisoning, for it is poisoned cotton candy, of course. Poisoned by the duplicitous Jorgensen.”

I repeated the phrase over and over until the helicopter came and I failed to hear any footsteps on the deck above my head. That could mean only one thing: the ninja envoys had arrived. Would Tessa be with them? Would John? Would Heinrich?

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