• his itty bitty mustache
• about as plush and inviting as a youth hostel
• buy my ovum for $50,000
• you’ll start hearing it in your sleep
• what you might call “granola,”

Tune in next time part 670      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The Alchemist threw Valentina a nervous look, then met my glance and held one finger up to his itty bitty mustache, which was about as plush and inviting as a youth hostel‘s bath mat. The pantyhose interfered with my nasal functions too much for me to smell anything at all, but I started to suspect that my would-be rescuer might be giving off some kind of funk, and it was making Valentina suspicious.

“Oh, this is my jam!” someone yelled out in the street. An unseen car’s stereo system suddenly pummeled the chalet with horribly distorted bass notes. Then a familiar voice joined the noise — my twin brother belting out the only wedding rap that he’d ever charted with.

She said let’s get hitched up by some dude with priestly collars,
“Less you wanna buy my ovum for $50,000!”

“Ugh,” cried Valentina. “Make them turn it down!”

That’s the thing about any of Jason’s ditties. Let it play for ten seconds, and you’ll start hearing it in your sleep. The song kept blaring.

The cake is all made out of what you might call “granola,”
cause you didn’t bribe the baker $50 like I told ya!

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• this only happens in the movies
• Maybe. With a capital M
• Matthew Clemens is a tool
• gives me that slimy smile of his
• we watched professional bowling

Tune in next time part 286                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jason started rapping. Which, bad as it was, still came as sort of a relief considering all the alternatives. His routine kept the mimes mesmerized long enough for me to open the gate and carry Tesla out into the fresh air. His flow was not mad, more like peevish. Either there were nuances in it that I couldn’t pick up on, or mimes are just easy to please.

I paid attention to every word, in case he was sending someone a coded message.

Matty mighta said this only happens in the movies.
And to get real we’re gonna hafta remove these
idealized betrayals and the stars who portray them.
Too cynical? Maybe. With a capital Mayhem.
But once upon a time the lessons we learned in school
showed all of us that Matthew Clemens is a tool, fool.
I freak whenever he gives me that slimy smile of his
and I just wait for the day I can get outta the biz.
Until that day arrives I can only keep on rolling
And fondly recall the times we watched professional bowling.

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