Tagged: genitals

I Whispered to the Alchemist

  • by jenwherever he’s hiding
  • “To be continued,” she said
  • lizard person in a human suit
  • It sure was memorable
  • smell anything out of the ordinary?

Tune in next time part 669      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I whispered to the Alchemist, “I’m sure we’ll find him, wherever he’s hiding.” Whichever of my brothers the Alchemist was horny for, I wouldn’t be making introductions. But he didn’t know that, and I might be able to use him to make my escape before he figured that out.

The Alchemist jerked into action. “I have to get this man to a hospital!”

“What’s the problem?” Valentina’s husband asked from the ceiling.

The Alchemist dropped me a creepy wink, and said, “Acute slug poisoning.”

Valentina leaned down and squeezed my junk. “To be continued,” she said. “As soon as you get medically cleared.”

The Alchemist pulled a collapsable gurney from his kit and assembled it with a few flicks of his bony wrists. As he settled me on it and strapped me down, he gave another laborious wink, and quickly swiped his lips with his tongue like he was a lizard person in a human suit. It sure was memorable, much to my dismay.

He started wheeling me toward the door. Before we made our exit into the snow, though, Valentina said, “Hang on. Does anyone else smell anything out of the ordinary?”

bonus points for using them in order

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Aureliano is Really Quite Masculine

  • by jenalthough his solid chin is clear of any hair
  • with a canine-skin collar
  • “Big Apple” cufflinks
  • dark blue eyes and a beautiful belly
  • overruled by Judge Maurice

Aureliano is really quite masculine, although his solid chin is clear of any hair, his chest as well. He has dark blue eyes, and a beautiful bellybutton rests in the center of his rock-hard abs. Dancing at my bachelorette party with a canine-skin collar around his thick, manly neck, and absolutely nothing else on but Chippendales style faux-cuffs decorated with “Big Apple” cufflinks, he is the very definition of virility.

“What the heck,” I say to myself, “I’m not married yet!”

I throw caution and my clothes to the wind and smile enticingly at Aureliano. He smiles back, but our tryst is overruled by Judge Maurice, which is what Aureliano calls his penis, which refuses to cooperate, if you know what I mean.

I tip him well anyway, to ensure he doesn’t mention this to my fiancé Dirk tomorrow when Aureliano stands beside him as best man at our wedding.

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I Know It’s a Taboo Subject

  • k-avatarlike the tears of a manatee
  • chews on bed sheets
  • Considering the circumstances?
  • his penis hung from the bush
  • into a dazzling brilliancy

I know it’s a taboo subject, but I’m afraid I must insist we discuss it. Would it be easier if I substituted a code word for the offensive term? Very well. Rather than actually saying that word which so distresses you, I shall say “penis.” Agreed? Excellent.

First off you have to bear in mind that Hinshaw was there. Yes, that changes everything. I mean the man chews on bed sheets, and we’re talking fraternity bedding. No class. Anyway, for all his faults the man’s a marvelous mixologist. On the night in question he took Winston’s — er, Winston’s penis — took it behind the bar with him. Winston didn’t know, poor thing, and spent half the evening searching for it. But Hinshaw used the penis to invent a new cocktail, and it was like the tears of a manatee muddled into a dazzling brilliancy with ginger and a hint of cloves. Winston got so sloppy on them, it’s no wonder he lost track of where his penis got to.

Me? Did I have any of this devilish concoction? Considering the circumstances? What do you take me for? It was delicious. I think Winston deserves at least half the credit, though.

Which brings me to the crux of the matter. Hinshaw, that madman, doesn’t know how to take proper care of himself and his own things, so you can imagine his cavalier treatment of Winston’s… So as the sun came up, Winston and I split up and it was me who found it. His penis hung from the bush next to the driveway. Well I’m afraid I panicked and hid it in my pocket. I lied to poor Winston and so as far as he knows the thing’s still missing. I have it with me. It doesn’t feel right to just leave it lying about, you know?

I really do need some advice.

Rodrigo Chuckled Softly

  • by jenI’m very sensitive to smell
  • in a tizzy about the specter of sweaty boobs
  • Summer’s Eve can go douche itself
  • for nearly a week
  • killed in a skiing accident

Rodrigo chuckled softly and tugged on the waistband of Siobhan’s panties. “Summer’s Eve can go douche itself, babe. I’m very sensitive to smell and I’ve never noticed a problem.”

“I’d rather be killed in a skiing accident than have an embarrassing odor,” Siobhan simpered.

For nearly a week she’d been fretting about feminine hygiene. This was almost as bad as the time they went to the beach and she worked herself up in a tizzy about the specter of sweaty boobs. Rodrigo wished she could see herself as the beautiful woman she was, and not pay any attention to the predatory marketing efforts of the world’s “beauty” conglomerates.

Rodrigo winked and tugged Siobhan’s panties lower. “Give me an hour and we’ll get you good and stinky. Deal?”

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I Just Returned From Fashion Week

  • by jenthe yellow stain on his trousers
  • Voilá un homme!
  • the old Mediterranean mafia
  • According to my calculations
  • Stirner’s perpetually mocking attitude

I just returned from fashion week, and I’m thrilled to announce the old “Mediterranean mafia” style is passé! According to my calculations (and Beatrix Stirner’s perpetually mocking attitude), the trendiest look for winter is, quelle surprise, nudity! Before your scandalized boyfriend has to explain the yellow stain on his trousers, allow me to clarify. The most stylish women in New York, Paris, and Milan will all be wearing skin-tight jumpsuits with exaggerated male genitalia protruding from the front. It’s a look that veritably screams “Voilá un homme!” in the chicest possible way.

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Silver Maple Turned

  • k-avatarhis “jurisdiction”
  • her flushed face
  • the old woman
  • first choice
  • silver maple

Silver Maple turned her flushed face up to see how Judge Watkins was reacting to her ministrations to his “jurisdiction.” Paying the fine would have been her first choice, but this option wasn’t so bad. The old woman knew all the tricks, literally. Judge Watkins would get off, and so would she.

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The Best Immersion-Therapy

  • k-avatarsex-anxious parents?
  • copulating since 1400
  • projections of the men
  • the demon’s scrotum is clearly in view

The best immersion-therapy for sex-anxious parents? Gotta be Grotto des Grotesques, where the foyer is populated with digital projections of the men who have held the title of Lothario Supremo since the award’s inception in 1239. Very soothing!

Also, in its depths, is a geothermal manifestation of a pair of infernal trysters who’ve been copulating since 1400. Although most of the lovers’ forms are embedded in calcite and sulfurous accretions, the demon’s scrotum is clearly in view.

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“It Might Interest the Patient”

  • k-avatartheatrically emotional
  • accomplish
  • interest
  • circumcision

“It might interest the patient that his becoming theatrically emotional is entirely apropos in an operating theatre, but I would remind him that his state of mind will limit the effects of hypnosis, under which I shall accomplish his circumcision due to his refusal of any other anesthetic.”

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Devlin du Mauvais Knew Himself to be a Very Attractive Man

  • by jenperhaps a bit long and square-jawed
  • unable to cause his larynx to make sound
  • something as mundane as a monkey reflex
  • through his half-open shirtfront
  • “Welcome, gentlemen, to Sugarloaf Mountain.”
  • next thing you’ll be hearing church bells
  • with their passionate tornadoes of paper

Devlin du Mauvais knew himself to be a very attractive man, even if his hair was perhaps a bit long. And square-jawed masculinity never went out of style, he knew, but it did nothing to explain his skill as a black magician.

Devin’s sister Minerva grasped the throat of the dead man on the table, but no matter how hard she squeezed, she was unable to cause his larynx to make sound.

“Why does this carcass defy me!?” she demanded. “He should at least possess something as mundane as a monkey reflex, not just lay there inertly.”

“Sister, dear, calm down, or the next thing you’ll be hearing church bells ringing through your nerves and the men in white, with their passionate tornadoes of paperwork, will take you away again.”

Minerva took a deep breath, then she smiled seductively and tweaked Devlin’s nipple through his half-open shirtfront.

As they kissed, she ran her hand down to his erection and cooed, “Welcome, gentlemen, to Sugarloaf Mountain.”

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Felicity Shook Her Head Sadly

  • by jenand a big swimming turtle
  • except his penis
  • his possible sexual approach
  • a sluglike glob of substance
  • a mysterious human skeleton?
  • no subtlety, just penis and vulva

Felicity shook her head sadly as she considered the naked man in front of her and his possible sexual approach, knowing there would be no subtlety, just penis and vulva, except his penis was merely a sluglike glob of substance, and a big swimming turtle-like scrotum dangled underneath.

What have I done, wondered Felicity, to prompt my pimp to sell me to such a mysterious human skeleton?

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