Tagged: food

My Nemesis Pulled a Handkerchief From the Pocket

  • by jenbetween forkfuls of pie
  • a good elementary textbook
  • “Those evil pricks
  • rubbing his hands
  • from the pocket of his greasy blue jacket

Tune In Next Time Part 24                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

My nemesis pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of his greasy blue jacket and mopped his forehead with it. It did absolutely no good because it was as soaked with seawater as the rest of him.

“Those evil pricks from NSFW took Tessa and you’re just laying there, bleeding?”

“It wasn’t NSFW,” I lied. “It was Ninja Vision.”

In reality it wasn’t ninjas at all. Tessa had run off on her own, but I didn’t want John to know that. I laid there and winced at John rubbing his hands all over me in what I can only assume was an attempt to frisk me. He should brush up on his technique. I could even recommend a good elementary textbook on the topic if there wasn’t so much bad blood between us.

John erroneously concluded I was unarmed and left me laying in the sand to rescue Tessa from the Ninjas that didn’t have her. I pulled myself to my feet and leaned against the craft services table, watching him run slowly across the beach.

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, and there was a whole delicious spread right there on the table that was holding me up, so between forkfuls of pie I dug the bullet out of my thigh with a pair of chopsticks. I used the sterno flame from the chafing dish to cauterize the wound, and then I was ready to find Tessa and the treasure.

Kanye Can See Things

  • by jensee things we mortals cannot
  • I spat at her
  • not, however, universally popular among actual rappers
  • Officious little prick.
  • not a significant source of riboflavin

“Kanye can see things we mortals cannot,” I spat at her, “and according to him Wild Puma energy drink is not a significant source of riboflavin. It may be popular with teenagers, it is not, however, universally popular among actual rappers because they listen to Kanye. And that is why I refuse to stock it in my store.”

The Wild Puma sales rep sneered at me. “Officious little prick.”

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The Himalayas Were Breathtaking

  • by jenwarm my numb fingers
  • to meet a yeti
  • “Don’t you appreciate my cuisine?”
  • — all those beautiful bullfrogs
  • threatening face of a Doberman

The Himalayas were breathtaking in the moonlight, but even colder than I anticipated. I rubbed my hands together over the fire to warm my numb fingers. This was the vacation of a lifetime, and while many in my group were here to climb Everest, I had a different objective: to meet a yeti. Tomorrow we would hike to base camp, after which we would go our separate ways. That meant a celebratory feast this evening, with plenty of food prepared by the tour company’s French chef.

“Don’t you appreciate my cuisine?” grumbled Henrí. “I brought the ingredients all the way from Marseilles packed in dry ice.”

I, along with my fellow hikers, stared at the display of grisly drumsticks, the webbed feet still intact. I don’t know what the rest of them were thinking, but I could not get rid of the image of the frogs they’d come from — all those beautiful bullfrogs slaughtered for their meaty little thighs.

I was hungry though, so I grabbed one of the frog legs and took a tentative bite. Before the flavor could register, a creature bounded into our camp. It was a large, hairy white biped with the threatening face of a Doberman. Well, the teeth of a Doberman anyway.

It could only be the yeti I’d come to see!

It plucked the frog leg from my hand and sniffed it, then shoved the whole thing in its mouth, bones and all. Such a majestic creature! I managed to get my camera out and begin filming as it gorged itself on the rest of Henrí’s feast. When it loped off into the night I had to make a quick decision. Would I return home to sell my footage, or would I follow the beast into its forbidding mountain home?

bonus points for using them in order!

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In The Utility Tunnels

  • by jenranged themselves in front of a small apple tree
  • flying swiftly and steadily
  • ended up eating mostly side dishes
  • very intricate evolutions
  • an abandoned bomb shelter deep beneath the city

In the utility tunnels that emerge from an abandoned bomb shelter deep beneath the city lives a strange race of creatures that, before radiation caused very intricate evolutions in their DNA, were once the sort of lower-teir relatives who ended up eating mostly side dishes at Thanksgiving because they lacked the nimbleness and fortitude that led to their dominant cousins flying swiftly and steadily up the buffet line, gorging themselves on the turkey and the various pies, and when these creatures finally found their way to the surface they ranged themselves in front of a small apple tree and scratched their heads, for they had never seen its like before.

double bonus points for using them in reverse order in one sentence

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The Cuisine of My Homeland

  • k-avatarthrows sufficient light into the deep darkness
  • took you long enough
  • Indeed, the brains of anteaters
  • four years later I was born
  • I admit, this got me a little teary-eyed

The cuisine of my homeland is most unusual. Indeed, the brains of anteaters are among the less-outrageous staple ingredients. Traditional kitchens are located underground, and slithering down the muddy tunnel entrance took you long enough to work up the necessary appetite. Electricity isn’t allowed, but the bioluminescent fungus throws sufficient light into the deep darkness. Ah, the heady stench of mother’s stew, I hadn’t thought about it in so long. I admit, this got me a little teary-eyed, recounting these details to you. The most important thing to remember when cooking was not to use excessive amounts of wasp venom. Mother ignored this advice once and added three nests’ worth to her cake frosting, and four years later I was born.

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I Don’t Know Where You Get Off

  • by jenyour conventional seventy-hour workweek
  • a garbage bag full of assorted sweatpants
  • swinging your hips
  • cooking is a perpetual source of evaporation and dampness
  • plenty of caterers have used them

I don’t know where you get off swinging your hips and wagging your finger at me. So you found a garbage bag full of assorted sweatpants in the kitchen. What of it? Plenty of caterers have used them to sop up spills and wipe brows and underarms. Cooking is a perpetual source of evaporation and dampness, for both the kitchen and those who toil in her steamy belly. Perhaps your conventional seventy-hour workweek leaves you fresh as a daisy, but we caterers suffer in the swamp for our art, the art that fills your bellies.

Did I ever tell you that I once won on Iron Chef?

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Never Have I

  • by jen— of course kids tell scary stories about them
  • I would have been prepared for the screams
  • my knives a blur in my hands
  • mistrusted my own senses more
  • Listening.

Never have I mistrusted my own senses more than the time I was on Iron Chef and the secret ingredient that I had to build every course of my meal around was revealed to be grasshoppers. Ah grasshoppers — of course kids tell scary stories about them, but I love them. They’re best, in my opinion, sautéd in a little olive oil and tossed with sea salt. The fact that I love this food that is generally reviled had me doubting myself strongly.

When the pedestal displaying the secret ingredient finished its rise from below the floor, and the fog cleared, I ran to collect my share of the lovely green bugs. To my surprise they were still alive. I hadn’t expected that. I felt a little guilty discussing my recipe plan with my sous chefs because it felt like the grasshoppers were watching us. Observing. Listening.

If I’d had time to think I would have been prepared for the screams of all the tiny bugs when I threw them in the blender with a chopped avocado and hit purée. The sound quickly died, along with the grasshoppers, and I left the blender whirling away as I moved on to my next dish. I wanted to show off a little, so I dumped a handful of the lively bugs onto my cutting board and went after them, my knives a blur in my hands until every last specimen was bisected and tossed into the wok along with a hefty portion of ginger root.

In addition to my grasshopper smoothie appetizer, and grasshopper ginger stir fry, I concocted a delicious grasshopper tempura, and made caramel popcorn with pecans and grasshoppers for a whimsical desert.

Suck it, Iron Chef Morimoto! My cuisine reined supreme!

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To The Cocky Princeton Freshman

  • k-avatar(What we deem offensive is probably about what you’d expect)
  • cocky Princeton freshman
  • instill fetishes in human beings
  • the police force in Prefrontal, Nebraska
  • she says, “Open up your mouth, man.”

To the cocky Princeton freshman she says, “Open up your mouth, man.” He does. “Shut your eyes.” He does. The waitress was holding a can of whipped cream the whole time, so his cooperation was understandable. Of course, he’d been hitting on her relentlessly for an hour, so it was also understandable that she crammed his “generous” tip into his ignorant maw and then sprayed him in the puss with the whipped cream while he spat out nickels.

The ensuing disturbance at Tipsy’s Diner was not the sort of event that the police force in Prefrontal, Nebraska was really prepared to deal with. They overreacted a tad, storming the place in full SWAT getup and arresting everybody they didn’t recognize as a local.

Of course, being a frosh, this cocky twerp had never been in cuffs before. In the back of the van he discovered that he liked it, which would eventually inspire his master’s thesis on factors which instill fetishes in human beings. Which was what got him kicked out of Princeton. His advisor wrote, “This offensive paper made our chihuahuas retch. (What we deem offensive is probably about what you’d expect)”

So, yeah, I knew him before he was a supervillain.

 

Good Morning!

  • by jenwe’re crawling into your bed
  • with new ice cream flavors like
  • five men, all Danes
  • she sank into my uncle’s arms
  • In the sea, yes.

Good morning! We’re crawling into your bed to tempt you with new ice cream flavors liked by many the world over, according to our prognostications. Do not be alarmed! We are five men, all Danes, and as everyone knows, Danes are the happiest people on Earth! Just yesterday we visited your neighbor with our new ice cream flavors, and she was so excited she fainted, and in doing so she sank into my uncle’s arms. That gentleman on the left, with the mustache, is my Uncle Hans. He is the one who discovered the new ice cream flavors, and you’ll never guess where! The recipes for these delicious new ice cream flavors were recorded in the sunken library of Atlantis! In the sea, yes. I can tell that you are surprised. But not nearly as surprised as Auntie Birgit when Uncle Hans brought home his little waterlogged book of mermaid recipes and asked her to make these delicious new ice cream flavors. Which is your favorite?

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I Had Thought Myself Alone

by jen

  • alone in a small boat upon the broad Atlantic
  • crouching in frozen fear
  • unfolding the flag of the United Kingdom
  • “You don’t have to eat it.”
  • to emerge from the Caribbean

I had thought myself alone in a small boat upon the broad Atlantic when I first heard the voice coming from belowdecks. Now I huddled in the stern, crouching in frozen fear as an apparition rose through the gangway, my numb fingers unfolding the flag of the United Kingdom in a vain attempt to hide myself.

“You don’t have to eat it.”

That was all it said, over and over, in its waterlogged whisper, the terrible sound burrowing into my brain.

“You don’t have to eat it,” it said again, waving a rotten lime in my terrified face. “But if you don’t, you’ll get scurvy!”

I screamed at this sudden new vocalization for that was the moment I knew I was being haunted by Captain Archibald Bloodygums, the ghastliest sea ghost ever to emerge from the Caribbean.

If I didn’t eat the wretched lime I would incur his wrath and my little yacht would surely sink, and me with it. If I did eat it, I would join his ghastly crew for all eternity.

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