Tagged: clothes

With Great Effort

  • by jenin the bathroom blowdrying her hair
  • still the only one to know
  • newly engaged couple
  • not gonna let you do that to Maxine
  • cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway

Tune in next time part 485      Click Here for Earlier Installments

With great effort I kept the disgust off my face. Of course I knew what medicine bottles this madwoman was talking about. I’d seen them on my mother’s nightstand when I searched her bedroom right before I moved out of the White House for good. Mother was in the bathroom blowdrying her hair at the time, and I never mentioned what I found to anyone. In fact I’m still the only one to know that terrible secret. I should have done something at the time, but Fleur and I were a newly engaged couple, just hours away from our lengthy wedding ceremony and I had bigger things to worry about.

Tatiana swooped in beside me and said, “Jason! I can tell by the set of your eyebrows that you’re about to burst into rap, and I’m not gonna let you do that to Maxine with no warning. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself from dancing, which would cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway. It would disrupt the entire auction.”

So, the puffer coat woman was Maxine. It was a name I had heard before.

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“When Does This Damn Auction Start?”

  • by jenlocated at the base of your spine
  • enough face cream
  • Sorry honey!
  • a language that literally no one
  • a picture of you in the folder

Tune in next time part 479      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“When does this damn auction start?” I bellowed, striding into the cavern. “Don’t tell me I missed it!” I tried to act as cocky and entitled as the diplomats and spymasters my mother tended to hang out with. My wooden climbing boots gave me a stilted, clattering gait.

My brashness startled Oksana’s yeti minions. Their ninja training took over, and startled ninjas always freeze and attempt to camouflage themselves. I was suddenly surrounded by a forest of frozen yeti statues.

“Jason!” cried Jim in faux-surprise. “You bastard!” And then he made another bird call, this one decidedly less Himalayan.

Oksana straightened her spine and approached me. “You’re not late at all. In fact you’re early. I have to double check your identity, of course. I’m sure you understand. I have a picture of you in the folder of auction material on my phone, which I will now pull out of my cleavage.” She did so. While she compared me to the photo of my twin on her phone, she muttered to herself in Colloquillian, a language that literally no one outside of Colloquillia knew. Except for me. I had a Colloquillian lover years ago, who taught me the basics, after making me promise never to use my knowledge for espionage. That was a promise I now had to break. Sorry honey!

What Oksana was muttering wasn’t very enlightening, though. Something along the lines of “with enough face cream I guess literally anyone can stay youthful.”

I kept my mouth shut while she perused me, so that she wouldn’t see the golden tattoos on my tongue. My brother and I tended to copy each other’s distinguishing features, but as far as I knew, Jason didn’t have those. At least not yet.

“Now Jason, in order to confirm that it is you and not your twin, I need to see the crescent-shaped scar located at the base of your spine.” She smiled without showing her teeth. “I’m sure you understand.”

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My Blue-Gray Mountaineering Uniform

  • by jenforced to meet with the King of Swaziland to seek clemency
  • scandalous exhibits
  • his mad rush
  • I’m taking a ride with my best friend
  • dangle from the undercarriage like a bat

Tune in next time part 465      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My blue-gray mountaineering uniform bore a strong resemblance to the official groveling suit John wore when he was forced to meet with the King of Swaziland to seek clemency for the series of scandalous exhibits he’d staged across southern Africa in his mad rush to become an infamous performance artist.

“By wearing this outfit it’s almost like I’m taking a ride with my best friend,” I said into the mirror. “Back when life was simpler. Back before he betrayed me.”

It took me a while to do up all the silvery buttons on the vest, and I was confounded by this weird chain harness that went on like a pair of clanky speedos over the pants, and had a holster for my ice axe, that for some reason let it dangle from the undercarriage like a bat. Or, given that it was between my legs, like something else altogether.

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“What is That Racket?”

  • by jengeneral costumes
  • is kinda like cilantro
  • wearing a long crocheted dress and, I was certain, even from my distance, no brassiere
  • lunk-headed older brother
  • dictionary definition of quixotic

Tune in next time part 457      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“What is that racket?” I asked.

“That’s the zeppelin detection system,” said the first guard.

“Someone is arriving from the capital,” said the second.

“What about the blizzard?” I asked. The heavy snow was the reason I had been stranded here when my wife summoned me.

“The royal zeppelins all have flame-throwers,” said the first guard. “But of course you know that, General. I suspect you’re just testing us.”

“Of course, of course.” Did my zeppelin have a flame thrower? If so, why had everyone pretended I was snowed in? Motioning to Arlo, I said, “Take this criminal to the stockade.”

The guards saluted and hustled the whimpering Arlo off. I grabbed a roll of glitter storm tape and returned to my quarters to figure out which of my general costumes I should put on now. It would help if I knew exactly who was on the incoming airship. Contrarian military garb is kinda like cilantro — some people enjoy it while others are genetically predisposed to find it repulsive. For the most part I’m in the former category (who doesn’t like to look fancy?), but I was getting a little tired of all the quick-changes.

Down the zeppelin’s gangway waddled a heavily pregnant Isolde. She was not dressed for the weather, wearing a long crocheted dress and, I was certain, even from my distance, no brassiere. I couldn’t fathom what business she had at Enigma Fortress. Shouldn’t she be somewhere near a maternity hospital, so close to giving birth? And wasn’t her husband Harry in some sort of trouble? My confusion only grew when I saw who was with her: my rapscallion brother Jim.

The two of them approached and we made all of the appropriate courtly gestures of greeting. Jim stage-whispered to Isolde, “My lunk-headed older brother looks surprised to see us.”

Trying to track all of the inter-familial machinations in my life was the very dictionary definition of quixotic.

“Let’s get you inside where it’s warm,” I said. I may have been acting as Harry’s proxy when I impregnated Isolde, but my protective impulses toward the children she was carrying were genuine.

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My New Uniform

  • by jenred liquid everywhere
  • delicate jets of water
  • in a way that cannot be ignored
  • indulging in the luxury
  • between his eyes was a crescent shaped cut

Tune in next time part 441      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My new uniform was truly a thing to behold. It was white, except for vivid crimson streaks in the crotch area. I looked closer and saw that the pants were embroidered with a sort of sunburst design that to my eye looked like red liquid everywhere, like a glass of wine had been spilled on the pristine cloth.

The epaulets had, in place of the brass squirrels of my old uniform, golden squirrels looking skyward, with sprays of diamonds above their mouths like delicate jets of water in tiny fountains. The diamonds chimed together at the slightest movement in a way that cannot be ignored, announcing my presence and demanding attention.

In place of sensible shoes, I had been provided knee-high fur boots with a slightly raised heel.

As there were no other clothes in my chambers, I donned the uniform and discovered that the entire thing was lined in fur. I spent a few hours indulging in the luxury of all that warm softness, until there was a knock on my door.

I opened it to find my brother-in-law William Penn XII. He looked like he’d been in a fight.  His clothes were rumpled, and between his eyes was a crescent shaped cut. And his lips were coated with a blindingly bright shade of neon green lipstick.

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“Summon My Zeppelin”

  • by jengoing utterly numb
  • light fixtures had long ago been stolen
  • with such instructors
  • with just ten minutes and a chair
  • kill him and eat him

Tune in next time part 431      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Summon my zeppelin,” I ordered.

“I’m sorry to say that there’s a blizzard,” said YoYo, not sounding sorry at all. “Your zeppelin is grounded. You will be alerted immediately when it is safe to take to the skies. In the meantime, these jeans are so tight my bottom is going utterly numb. Surely you’d like to help me remove them.”

“Perhaps some other time.” I groped about in the dimness. “Dammit, where’s the light switch?”

“It’s right here,” said YoYo. “But it won’t do you any good.” She explained that the light fixtures had long ago been stolen by marauding Harmonians. “Now about these jeans.”

“If I’m to act as Harry’s lawyer, I need to brush up on Contrarian Law.”

YoYo placed my hands upon her zipper. “I’ve heard that you were educated at The Hopscotch Academy. With such instructors as they have there I’m sure you know more about Contrarian Law than most Contrarian lawyers.”

“There’s no way that’s possible. All things Contrarian are ridiculously complicated.” I looked sternly at her. “What game are you playing, Yolanda?”

“I will show you, with just ten minutes and a chair, and maybe a little bit of whipped cream.”

The thought of YoYo (or myself) covered in whipped cream was too much, and I gave in. The snow was too heavy for my zeppelin to return me to my wife, it was too dark to study for my upcoming legal duties, I had already had sex with YoYo and survived, so no matter what her plan was I felt pretty safe. Plus if she was naked it would be easy to search her for hidden weapons.

“Just once more,” I said, stripping her tight jeans off. “After all, what’s the worst that can happen?”

“If Harry is found guilty his accusers are allowed to kill him and eat him,” YoYo purred, pushing me back onto my feather mattress and startling the fox.

I guess it’s a good thing I never liked Harry very much anyway.

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In Addition to Rendering You Unconscious

  • by jencobra yoga
  • on her knees before me
  • cheap, orange dress
  • taped to a chair
  • too goddam stinky to be a hallucination

Tune in next time part 415      Click Here for Earlier Installments

In addition to rendering you unconscious, Contrarian knockout gas is a known hallucinogen. When I came to I wasn’t sure whether to believe my eyes. I was surrounded by mimes operating laboratory equipment. They were heating samples over bunsen burners while pretending to make notes, running centrifuges while checking imaginary watches, and mixing compounds while consulting imaginary instructions. As the stench of the chemicals reached me I concluded that it was too goddamn stinky to be a hallucination. Was this the lab where they were testing the substance in my semen?

I wanted to leave the room to escape the noxious fumes, but I was taped to a chair. I strained against my bonds. The mimes noticed that I was awake and sounded their silent alarm.

My sisters Jemma and Jemima hurried into the room wearing matching cheap, orange dresses that looked like uniforms from some greasy fast food restaurant. What the hell were they doing here on Disco Island? And where was Jim? Were these two still under his control?

“Why don’t you guys let me go,” I said, my tongue still rubbery from the gas. “I need to get back to Fleur.”

Jemma got down on her knees before me and looked up into my face. “Your speech is all fucked up, Jason,” she said with an exaggerated wink. “Keep your mouth shut until the gas wears off.” She tapped a quick message on my shinbone as she stood, telling me that she was hiding here to avoid her obligation to the Guild of Fire Eaters.

The mimes had all stopped their laboratory activities and were watching us intently. My sisters began a dance so fluid and sinuous it could only be performed by contortionists. It’s called cobra yoga, and its performance soon had the entire troop of mimes entranced.

But since when were Jem and Jem contortionists?

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I Didn’t Have Time to Stand Around While These Weirdos Laughed About Slug Eggs

  • by jenan unfamiliar accent
  • What a soft voice!
  • superfluous mouthsounds
  • endless chain of consequences
  • only had 10 doses

Tune in next time part 411      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I didn’t have time to stand around while these weirdos laughed about slug eggs. My nefarious brother Jim had surely docked his stolen zeppelin by now, and must already be making his way into this lair. Not knowing whether the Mints were expecting him gave my trepidation an unfamiliar accent. The voice in my head — What a soft voice! — told me to play along with the puppet and those he puppeted, to gather what information I could before Jim’s imminent arrival upset the balance of power one way or the other.

John and Tatiana were still talking about the slug eggs, gulping and smacking their lips and making other superfluous mouthsounds as they predicted what it would be like to watch me eat them.

If I had known, back in the water beneath the pier when John attacked me with a harpoon, that my escape would lead to an endless chain of consequences that would bring me here to Disco Island to watch a giant ventriloquist puppet and his wife plot with John and my latest baby-mama-to be, I might have made slightly different choices.

I put on my General underpants and trousers, and remembered something Aloysius had told me as he stitched my uniform. “All Contrarian military uniforms include capsules of knockout gas,” he’d said. He was running low and only had 10 doses to give me, but he showed me where the hidden trigger was, and how the gas would spray out of the mouths of the epaulet-squirrels.

I shrugged into my General jacket. Perhaps I was not at such a disadvantage after all.

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It Wasn’t Long

  • by Kentgone mad with a moderate amount of power
  • Put some lipstick on. I will, too.
  • all the feathers were in their correct positions
  • “I love you,” he said silently.
  • making me believe in heroes

Tune in next time part 398      Click Here for Earlier Installments

It wasn’t long before a dark, distant shape appeared in the sky. We were, it seemed, overtaking Jim’s zeppelin! I thanked the fisherman and urged him to keep it up.

“Why are you so intent on this airship?” he asked.

“My brother has gone mad with a moderate amount of power and stolen that craft. I have only guesses as to his scheme, but whatever it is he must be stopped.”

“How do I know you’re not the mad brother?”

I looked at him sidelong. I needed him to keep the boat moving swiftly. “You’re doing me a valuable favor, and I appreciate it. Tell me how to demonstrate my appreciation, and I’ll do it.”

“Put some lipstick on. I will, too.”

He handed me a small silver tube. The shade was a bit bright for my tastes, but it wasn’t like I had any of my own.

“And this,” he said, proffering a peacock vest in exchange for the lipstick. Once I’d donned it he inspected me to be sure all the feathers were in their correct positions. “I love you,” he said silently. I took that as a sign that the vest complimented my Contrarian general’s uniform. “Thank you,” he said out loud, “for making me believe in heroes. Now, let’s catch that airship!”

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The Spy’s Words

  • by jentried to get to sleep again
  • separated from his wife after falling in love with a young actress
  • struggled with the question of last names
  • musky cologne with a hint of whisky
  • the poop problem

Tune in next time part 391      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The spy’s words reminded me that Fleur and Jim had been alone together for quite some time, one floor above my head. My curiosity was roused, and no matter how much I wished it had tried to get to sleep again, it stayed awake. Jim was a source of never-ending drama in our family. The first time he married, he separated from his wife after falling in love with a young actress on his honeymoon. The second time, he and his young actress wife struggled with the question of last names and who should take whose, and their marriage ended after only a month. Now he was married to Esmerelda, but, as always, had a roving eye. And the last time I’d seen Esmerelda she was having sex with my father. Did Jim know about that?

I menaced the spy for a few more minutes so that he wouldn’t know his remark got to me, then I signaled to the warrior-monks holding my children to follow me up the stairs.

I was half-expecting to walk in on Fluer and Jim banging it out, but that isn’t what I saw at all. When I entered the room where I’d left them, there was no sign of Jim. Fleur sat at the table, wearing Jim’s blue panda suit and a dreamy smile. The panda head sat beside her half-mug of coffee.

“Where’s Jim?” I asked.

“He’s on a mission,” Fluer said with a happy sigh. “Did you know that this mascot suit smells just like him? Musky cologne with a hint of whisky.”

“Why are you wearing the panda suit, Fleur?”

“Jim had to borrow my clothes for his mission. He couldn’t very well wear the panda suit. You know, because of the poop problem.” She patted herself down with her big panda paws. “There’s no trapdoor in this thing, and Jim needs to be able to move fast.”

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