Tagged: bonus points

Oksana Smirked

  • by Kentlooks like he smells bad
  • very superstitious
  • two inches deep
  • called it my initiation ritual
  • I had an active fantasy life

Tune in next time part 482      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oksana smirked. “Hoping to gain an edge during the auction? Looking for inside info? None of that! I know all about you, Jason. I did a thorough background before sending any invitations. Yours said, ‘He looks like he smells bad but most of the time it’s not an issue.’ So, there’s no way you can surprise me.”

“Surprise!” came a familiar, lisping voice from the cavern entrance. He beat-boxed for a second and then chanted, “My name is Jason and I am fashionably early for the auction.”

Dammit! Jason would probably be more convincing as himself than I was.

“What now?” Oksana crowed. “Two Jasons? My background check didn’t say anything about there being two Jasons!”

“He’s my twin brother,” I lisped. “He likes to pretend he’s me. Can’t blame him.”

Oksana looked from me to Jason and back. “Why should I believe you’re the real one?”

“Because I was here first?” I tried.

“We Colloquillians are deeply suspicious people by nature,” she said. “And we’re also very superstitious about punctuality. Since you were, in fact, more fashionable in your earliness, I’m inclined to believe you.”

“But I have the invitation right here!” the real Jason complained.

“Easily forged,” Oksana said with a flip of her hand. “You will be held in the lower chambers until after the auction, when I will decide what to do with you.” Several of the yeti statues unfroze and chivvied Jason out of the cavern. “He’ll be fine,” she said to me, sotto voce. “The lower chamber floods sometimes, but right now the water is only two inches deep. When I arrived here that was where I lived, by choice. I called it my initiation ritual, and it truly was because it earned me the respect of these majestic creatures. They are not as they appear, you know.” Her voice dropped to a harsh whisper. “They’re not really ninjas!”

I nodded knowingly, but inside I just wished I had an active fantasy life like hers.

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I Tried to Banish All Memories of Roxie

  • by jenflexed, wet and warm
  • “Stick knives in dead people.”
  • in real time
  • so violently that his bones clattered
  • It’s a confounded nuisance

Tune in next time part 481      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I tried to banish all memories of Roxie under my desk, muscles flexed, wet and warm mouth poised just so… but it was, literally, quite hard. Luckily the names Roxie and Oksana sound quite similar, so I just repeated my last mumbled utterance, only with one important edit.

“What was that, Oksie?”

“I didn’t say anything,” she said, eyes narrowed. She circled me, scrutinizing, comparing me to the photos of Jason on her phone.

I lisped, “Stick knives in dead people.” That was a Colloquialism I had picked up from my former lover. It meant something like “I want to jump your bones in real time.”

Oksana cocked one of her thick black eyebrows. Meanwhile, Jim startled so violently that his bones clattered. He tried to cover his reaction with another drug-induced bird call.

“I’ve heard you were bold, Jason,” Oksana said. “But I had no idea just how bold. Unfortunately for you, I’m not at all interested in stabbing corpses.” Her eyes flicked to Jim and back. “At least not with you.”

“It’s a confounded nuisance having Jim for a brother,” I said, trying to sound disappointed. “But if you like him so much, why are you selling him?”

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“I Really Have To Object”

  • by Kentshaped like natural birds
  • tight-pressed against her bosom
  • vibrating sensuously
  • party where I met Jim
  • take out his penis at his desk

Tune in next time part 480      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I really have to object,” I huffed. Oksana narrowed her eyes, so I rolled mine. Of course I was going to acquiesce, but just as Jason would I needed to drag things out a bit. For dramatic effect.

As I hiked up my coat and the vest with the silver buttons so she could inspect my lower back, I was a little nervous. The scars at the base of my spine were shaped like natural birds, and I hoped she’d decide they passed. After a minute she harrumphed, so I straightened up and turned to face her. She still had her phone out, tight-pressed against her bosom. Her expression was unreadable. Just as she seemed about to speak, she got a call. Her phone’s buzzing distracted her, leaving her vibrating sensuously along with it.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” I wisecracked. Her quivering little smile reminded me of the party where I met Jim‘s longest-term girlfriend, Roxie. Roxie stood out in my memory, because she became my stalker and targeted me for carnal ambush from time to time. A man tends to remember a woman who liked to take out his penis at his desk, which she’d been hiding underneath. (Underneath the desk, obviously.)

“What was that, Roxie?” I muttered.

Oksana and Jim each shot me a sharp look.

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“When Does This Damn Auction Start?”

  • by jenlocated at the base of your spine
  • enough face cream
  • Sorry honey!
  • a language that literally no one
  • a picture of you in the folder

Tune in next time part 479      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“When does this damn auction start?” I bellowed, striding into the cavern. “Don’t tell me I missed it!” I tried to act as cocky and entitled as the diplomats and spymasters my mother tended to hang out with. My wooden climbing boots gave me a stilted, clattering gait.

My brashness startled Oksana’s yeti minions. Their ninja training took over, and startled ninjas always freeze and attempt to camouflage themselves. I was suddenly surrounded by a forest of frozen yeti statues.

“Jason!” cried Jim in faux-surprise. “You bastard!” And then he made another bird call, this one decidedly less Himalayan.

Oksana straightened her spine and approached me. “You’re not late at all. In fact you’re early. I have to double check your identity, of course. I’m sure you understand. I have a picture of you in the folder of auction material on my phone, which I will now pull out of my cleavage.” She did so. While she compared me to the photo of my twin on her phone, she muttered to herself in Colloquillian, a language that literally no one outside of Colloquillia knew. Except for me. I had a Colloquillian lover years ago, who taught me the basics, after making me promise never to use my knowledge for espionage. That was a promise I now had to break. Sorry honey!

What Oksana was muttering wasn’t very enlightening, though. Something along the lines of “with enough face cream I guess literally anyone can stay youthful.”

I kept my mouth shut while she perused me, so that she wouldn’t see the golden tattoos on my tongue. My brother and I tended to copy each other’s distinguishing features, but as far as I knew, Jason didn’t have those. At least not yet.

“Now Jason, in order to confirm that it is you and not your twin, I need to see the crescent-shaped scar located at the base of your spine.” She smiled without showing her teeth. “I’m sure you understand.”

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“It’s Time to Get You Presentable”

  • by Kentwear that light blue sports jacket with your cream-colored trousers
  • conceal her nudity from strangers
  • her temperamental, boundaryless sidekick
  • has a urologist on call
  • opens the umbrella, but that’s not going to work

Tune in next time part 478      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“It’s time to get you presentable,” Oksana said. “We’re giving you a sort of dissipated restauranteur look, so you’ll wear that light blue sports jacket with your cream-colored trousers. Why are you still on the floor? Get up! Oh.” She paused and unlocked his restraints, producing a key from an impossible pocket in the taut white fur jumpsuit she had chosen as a way to conceal her nudity from strangers. “Now, hurry up and get dressed.”

Jim made his odd, keening bird call again as he donned the garments Oksana accepted from her temperamental, boundaryless sidekick yeti. It’s costume was quite obviously too tight, especially in certain key zones. “I hope he has a urologist on call,” I muttered.

Everyone froze. Dammit, I thought, I know how much my voice resonates in caverns and tunnels! I stayed still as Oksana used hand gestures to direct her furry minions in their search. I was doomed to be found. My stillness was like a man with an umbrella who steps into an avalanche, then opens the umbrella, but that’s not going to work. I had only seconds to come up with a plan, with both my life and my brother’s hanging in the balance.

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The Himalayan Snowcock is Not an Especially Terrifying Bird

  • by jensoiling his opponent’s pants
  • telling you she loves you
  • none of the children believed their father
  • and a haggis
  • touch the marks on my arms

Tune in next time part 477      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The Himalayan Snowcock is not an especially terrifying bird. Due to traumatic events in his childhood, though, my nemesis John feared them so violently that hearing their call would often lead to him soiling his opponent’s pants in addition to his own. It was nearly as frightening as my mother telling you she loves you, which my siblings and I all dread. She only says that when she wants something from you, and the things she wants are always terrible. In my family, none of the children believed their father when he told them that their mother was a misunderstood, kindhearted soul. We all knew she was as ruthless as a wolf that ate both a haggis and a haggis maker.

As I took a moment to touch the marks on my arms left by my mother’s tattoo artist when I was just a boy, I hoped that neither she nor John would appear at this auction.

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“Your Waterfowl Impression is Horrible”

  • by Kentspire composed of the twisted tails of four bronze dragons
  • Swirly, swirly, swirly!
  • charm the knickers off you
  • a bastard by birth
  • there’s just no pleasing you

Tune in next time part 476      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Your waterfowl impression is horrible,” Oksana said.

Jim pouted up at her. “I wonder sometimes why I bother, when there’s just no pleasing you.”

At that she laughed, and even blushed a bit. “Is your memory so brief? Are you a simpleton by nature, or just a bastard by birth?”

She must be getting this out of her system before presenting him for auction, I thought. Otherwise, she really needed to work on her sales pitch.

In any case, Jim wasn’t offended. He chuckled low and throaty, saying, “I got birdcalls that could charm the knickers off you.”

“Let’s hear one, then.”

It was hard to know how much the drugs were contributing to Jim’s actions, and how much he was just making a spectacle of himself. He contorted his lips and emitted a trilling noise that sounded like a small child yelling “Swirly, swirly, swirly!”

Oksana posed with her hand on her cocked hip, and threw back her head in maniacal glee.

But I glanced around nervously. The weird trilling noise was, in fact, an uncanny rendition of an animal call I hadn’t heard in a long time, not since my brief stint at a monastery founded by a wealthy, eccentric Dane, where the cloister’s tower held a spire composed of the twisted tails of four bronze dragons.

How did Jim know the cry of the Himalayan Snowcock?

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The Last Time Jim Took Hallucinogens

  • by jenunzip his skin suit to reveal a garbage monster
  • biologically a man
  • used more lime juice
  • You are a national treasure
  • instead of quacking

Tune in next time part 475      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The last time Jim took hallucinogens in my presence, he announced that he was going to unzip his skin suit to reveal a garbage monster, but all he actually revealed was that he is biologically a man. If he wanted to do that again in front of Oksana’s bidders, that was his business. Many of them might even enjoy it. I wished I could leave him to it and hike back to Enigma Fortress, board my battle zeppelin, and fly away from all this madness, but I couldn’t risk an intoxicated Jim falling into the wrong hands. At the very least, I needed to find out who was interested in buying him.

Moments later, a ninja in a yeti suit scuttled past me and into the cavern, carrying a medicine dropper. Jim blustered in resistance, but allowed himself to be dosed with little real struggle.

“Not bad,” he said. “But it could have used more lime juice.”

The yeti ninja sniffed doubtfully at the dropper, then moved to the edge of the chamber where he did a passable job of blending in with a pile of fur pillows.

Over the next few minutes, Jim began to hum and laugh and whoop. It seemed to me that he was exaggerating the effects of the drug, but the yeti ninja seemed fooled.

Oksana strode in, dressed in a tight jumpsuit of white fur, with a shiny black belt slung jauntily across her hips. The glasses perched on her nose were the only hint to her librarian past.

“You are a national treasure!” Jim cried upon seeing her. “And I am a duck.” But instead of quacking, he made cooing sounds like a dove. Of all my siblings, I am the only one who is able to imitate any bird or beast, but a duck really isn’t that hard. I was disappointed in Jim.

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Oksana Left Jim Unattended

  • by Kentat the prearranged time
  • hide in the coat closet
  • “If you’re lonely you can
  • half the size of his thumb
  • trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor

Tune in next time part 474      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oksana left Jim unattended, making this the best chance I would ever get to free him. I slithered over the rocky floor to where he lay chained, and started picking the locks before he even realized I was there.

“What are you doing? Stop!” he hissed.

“I’m saving you, dumbass!” I hissed back.

“You’re spoiling the whole gambit,” he whispered back. “This is our only way to find out who’s in league with Oksana. Until the bidders arrive at the prearranged time, you should just go hide in the coat closet. I’m fine, it’s all under control.”

“The coat closet of the yeti cavern? Jim, think this through. What’s going to happen to you?”

He grinned. “All under control. But, you might not see me for a while after this.” His grin widened. “If you’re lonely you can probably get Oksana to chain you up in my place. Now, get out of sight before someone shows up. The guard’s brain is about half the size of his thumb, but that won’t matter if he spots you.”

I slunk back to my hiding place. Arguing with Jim was like trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor: he’d just talk you into paying even more to let him add to the problems. Hopefully he knew what he was talking about this time.

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I Wondered Who Oksana had Invited

  • by jentheir headquarters in Virginia
  • and she wouldn’t say
  • his subtle middle finger
  • “Oh, it’s going to be that kind of a party!”
  • between the USA and USSR

Tune in next time part 473      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I wondered who Oksana had invited to her auction. Which foreign faction would be most interested in the secrets inside Jim’s head? If I were lucky it would be the Contrarian Secret Police, and they would bundle him off to their headquarters in Virginiastan. If I were unlucky it would be the CIA and they would disappear him to their headquarters in Virginia.

I deployed my periscope again as Jim did the heavy interrogational lifting for me, trying to get Oksana to tell him who the bidders would be. But no matter how he charmed and cajoled her, she merely chuckled, and she wouldn’t say a word about it. In desperation Jim crooked his subtle middle finger at her in a most flirtatious manner (or at least as flirtatiously as his bonds would allow), but even that failed to make her crack.

With a final cruel laugh, Oksana said, “I’m going to go take a shower and get dressed. The ninjas will be back to clean you up and administer the hallucinogens.”

Jim tried to sound nonchalant, but I detected a quaver of fear in his drawl. “I didn’t know it was going to be that kind of party.”

“Oh, it’s going to be that kind of a party!” Oksana gleefully assured. “In grand Colloquilian tradition.”

The last grand Colloquilian hallucination auction bacchanal that I had heard of nearly started a war between the USA and USSR, and that was a good decade after the USSR collapsed.

I needed to get Jim the hell out of this cave.

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