Tagged: bonus points

“Two Million Two Thousand!”

  • by jenflowed quickly from his nostrils
  • many individuals still believe today
  • should be home in bed
  • “I need the backstory.”
  • certainly not cinnamon-colored

Tune in next time part 493      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Two million two thousand!” shouted Tatiana at the same second that John was swigging champagne, and he was so surprised by the thousand-dollar leap in the bidding that he nearly choked. Champagne flowed quickly from his nostrils as he looked around for a napkin.

Turning back to me, Tatiana said. “I and many individuals still believe today in the ancient yeti maternity practices. I will give birth here in the cavern.”

“You should be home in bed,” I growled at her. “Or perhaps in that nice fortress down the mountain.”

“No!” Tatiana grabbed my yeti-masked face in her hands and stared into my eyes. “I need the elderberries. I need the skin contact.” She enunciated every word. “I need the backstory.” Her face crumpled under another contraction. “I need it all.”

I nodded.

She called to her nearly nude companion. “Magnus, get one of the big serving trays from a waiter. It will stand in for the traditional sled. I will give birth upon it. And napkins! Bring many napkins! Whatever sort you can find, except certainly not cinnamon-colored. That would be ill-omened.”

I was starting to feel quite superfluous, but decided to stick around and see my latest children be born.

“Two million two thousand thirty seven!” groaned Tatiana.

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

I Realized I Had Been Staring

  • by Kentpure diamond
  • He had pet names for her body parts.
  • When I turned 16,
  • with the fur round her boots
  • disco night every week

Tune in next time part 492      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I realized I had been staring for several seconds at the un-caped man. I gave my head a vigorous shake and said in my gruff voice, “Our methods have been modernized recently. Not sure we really need your help today.”

Tatiana’s hand clamped onto my elbow and squeezed. I was glad she couldn’t see the look of agony on my face inside the yeti costume. When her contraction was over, she said, “Modernized? No! I insist on the traditional birthing methods of the mountain fastness. My children’s souls will shine like pure diamond! And Magnus will be there to help.”

She knew this kooky exhibitionist’s name. Figured. And probably called him on his birthday. She cat-sitted for him. He had pet names for body parts.

Why should I feel jealous over Tatiana? The thin alpine air must have been messing up my thinking. It was her sister, Tessa who I wanted to be reunited with. When I turned 16, it had been Tessa who lurked in the roadside ditch while I pretended to hitchhike so we could steal a car for my driving test. I remembered how she looked then, with the knife strapped to her thigh, with the fur round her boots, with a murderous glint in her eye like a mirrorball of bloodlust. We had disco night every week. We had it all. Why had I let my life become so complicated?

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

“Elderberries?”

  • by jenalso a valid tactic
  • “No. I don’t want anything to do with you.”
  • He and his family all do it together
  • I guess I have some doppelgängers
  • mink cufflinks

Tune in next time part 491      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Elderberries?” I was incredulous. “You know what else is also a valid tactic? Actual medical care.” I grabbed the yeti midwife’s elbow and tried to pull her to her feet. “Come on.”

“No. I don’t want anything to do with you.” She curled her lip. “Or the ridiculous humans.” She pried my hand off her elbow with surprising strength, and handed me a plastic zipper bag full of tiny, dark purple berries. “Now fuck off and let me enjoy my coffee break, or I’ll report you to the union.”

Whether she was talking about the yeti union or the ninja union, I wanted nothing to do with them. I snatched her rainbow-striped headband and hurried from the room. Tatiana was probably too distracted to notice that I was not an actual yeti midwife, and if I wore the uniform she would probably do what I told her.

I retraced my route to the auction chamber. The bidding was at $2,000,682 and creeping higher. A small crowd had gathered around Tatiana as she labored while continuing her attempts to purchase my brother in the name of her sister. As I pushed my way through the onlookers, I overheard a number of them speculating about who had gotten her pregnant.

“The star charts dictated that it be Jason,” John said. “But his twin was the best we could do.”

“Oh, you were there!” cried Maxine. “How auspicious!”

“He and his family all do it together,” said a foppish man in a fur cape. “Espionage, I mean. Did you know that today’s prize, Jim, is a member of that family? It really is too much!”

“Two million seven hundred and one!” cried Tatiana. Then she spotted me in my disguise. “You look familiar,” she said suspiciously.

“I guess I have some doppelgängers,” I said, trying to imitate the gruff tone of the yeti. I held up my baggie of elderberries. “Let’s get you somewhere comfortable to deliver those babies.”

“I’ll provide the skin contact!” cried the fur-cape man. He tossed his cape aside, revealing himself to be wearing only a mink speedo and crisp white cuffs held in place on his wrists by mink cufflinks.

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

During Our Senior Year at the Academy

  • by jenbecome a Sasquatch king
  • the adults took turns
  • I wish I could sing like that
  • well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy
  • multicolored headband

Tune in next time part 489      Click Here for Earlier Installments

During our senior year at the Academy I was voted most likely to become a Sasquatch king, largely due to my ability to imitate any bird or beast. John was offended. He felt that a yeti sighting during his childhood in Tibet gave him an affinity for all cryptozoological creatures. He filed a formal contestation of the election results. Our fellow students watched with bated breath as the adults took turns recounting the ballots, and cheered when I was formally declared the winner. Fat lot of good his “affinity” did him now. He was attending an auction staffed almost entirely by “yeti,” who would presumably do his bidding, and yet he was completely unmanned by a single Himalayan Snowcock cry. In my opinion, the Academy students made the right choice.

John careened around the cavern, knocking down trays of champagne glasses, and gibbering.

Tatiana grasped her belly and let out a bloodcurdling wail.

“I wish I could sing like that,” said Maxine. Then she raised her hand and yelled, “I bid two million and eleven dollars!”

“Two million and twelve!” came a voice from deep in the crowd.

“This will take all night,” I said. “Let’s just sneak out the back while John has them distracted.”

Tatiana said, “The stars predicted that if I conceived my children in a cavern I would give birth to them in one, too. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that case,” I said.

After another contraction, Tatiana said, “Find the yeti in the multicolored headband. She’s their midwife.”

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

“Let Us Begin the Bidding at a Million Dollars!”

  • by Kentcalled “wildlife” for a reason
  • not a single one of us
  • legs tightly crossed
  • what do our bodies sound like?
  • rubbing her stomach

Tune in next time part 488      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Let us begin the bidding at a million dollars!” Oksana proclaimed. Tatiana’s hand shot up, along with many others.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the Crystal Clown’s proxy?” I muttered.

Tatiana stood there rubbing her stomach like she was very hungry. “Let me worry about her,” she said. The rubbing intensified, and she said, “I wonder, as new life springs forth from us, what do our bodies sound like?”

She was now grasping her bulging belly in both hands, legs tightly crossed and a puddle around her feet.

“I think they sound like that,” I deadpanned. “You should probably call for your helicopter or whatever to take you to labor and delivery.” I could commandeer it and take us back to Enigma Fortress instead.

Tatiana shook her head. Her voice was strained as she said, “Oksana has made it clear that not a single one of us shall be allowed out until the auction is complete.”

The bidding was up to two million dollars, and not really slowing. I couldn’t think of a way to hurry it along, but I did have an idea for disrupting it. Even if it would probably blow my cover. I watched John, and just as he was signalling a bid on behalf of Viscount Arlo, I did my Himalayan Snowcock impression as loudly as I could.

John let out an even louder scream of panic and began running about and flailing his arms, heedless of the people around him. The closest he ever came to telling me the reason for his terror of those birds was when he whispered tremulously from the darkness as we lay in our bunks at the Academy, “It’s called ‘wildlife’ for a reason.”

bonus points for using them in reverse order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

Oksana Switched on her Microphone

  • by jensqueezed between so many
  • lick your palm
  • big clown shoes to fill
  • more smock than frock
  • just weeks before the baby was due

Tune in next time part 487      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oksana switched on her microphone and stepped up onto a dais to begin the auction. She gestured, and Jim was brought to her, squeezed between so many yeti-ninjas there was no chance of him escaping.

“Thank you for the warmup act, Jason,” she said. “I’ll be around later to lick your palm, as we say in Colloquillia.” Addressing the whole crowd of international spies and ne’er-do-wells, she went on, “Today’s merchandise has such big clown shoes to fill, and such tiny feet to do it with!”

Two yetis lifted Jim, and a third pulled his shoes off. As one, the crowd gasped.

I felt a knot in my stomach. Which clown was Oksana talking about? The Crystal Clown, perhaps? The auctioneeress kept up her patter, describing my brother’s many features and body parts.

Tatiana appeared at my elbow. She was usually a very stylish woman, but today’s garment was more smock than frock, a shapeless sack that hung from her shoulders, skimmed over her pregnant belly, and was barely long enough to cover her panties. It was a daring amount of leg to show just weeks before the baby was due. Or babies, as was more likely the case with me as the father. I thought back over the past several months and tried to calculate the number of children I might have on the way.

Tatiana whispered, “Let’s pool our funds. I’m sure Titania will let you have Jim when she’s done with him.” She chuckled. “Or what’s left of him.”

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

“So,” Maxine Quipped

  • by Kentnot puking or weeping
  • casting frightened glances back over their shoulders
  • Not stylish, but do-able.
  • changes temperature or vibrates
  • unbelievable in this day and age

Tune in next time part 486      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“So,” Maxine quipped, “that look on his face means imminent rapping? You sure it’s not puking or weeping?” Her voice’s naturally grating tone was worsened by the acoustic properties of the cavern, and her outburst sent other bidders fleeing, casting frightened glances back over their shoulders as they went.

Tatiana laughed. “I should let him off his leash!” She gave me a devious squinchy-faced look. “Give her a taste. Just one quick rhyme to let her know who she’s dealing with!” And without waiting for my response she began beat-boxing. The echoey cavern amplified and expanded the sounds, turning all heads our way. I really had no choice but to play along, because Jason would most certainly jump at such a chance to ad lib in front of a crowd.

I pumped my knees to the beat, putting a cocksure expression on my face while my mind raced to find material that was good enough to pass for Jason’s. As I stalled, Tatiana reached the sixteenth bar and felt compelled to break things down. So, her make-believe drum solo bought me a few extra seconds to come up with:

“We need more energy sources for the world that are renewable.
Gigantic windmills in your yard? Not stylish, but do-able.”

I wanted that to be the total of my performance, but now everyone in the cavern was clapping, even the yetis. So, I improvved a few dozen couplets about eco-friendly power generation. It went over pretty well. Maxine indeed started dancing, but her bulky coat prevented me from determining if it produced the promised jiggling and swaying. She did hoot and drop me a wink when one of the lines I tossed out included “when it changes temperature or vibrates.” I got a nice round of applause from all the bidders and henchmen, and several came up to shake hands and agree vehemently with me that continuing to burn coal was unbelievable in this day and age.

But I still couldn’t remember where I had heard of Maxine before.

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

With Great Effort

  • by jenin the bathroom blowdrying her hair
  • still the only one to know
  • newly engaged couple
  • not gonna let you do that to Maxine
  • cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway

Tune in next time part 485      Click Here for Earlier Installments

With great effort I kept the disgust off my face. Of course I knew what medicine bottles this madwoman was talking about. I’d seen them on my mother’s nightstand when I searched her bedroom right before I moved out of the White House for good. Mother was in the bathroom blowdrying her hair at the time, and I never mentioned what I found to anyone. In fact I’m still the only one to know that terrible secret. I should have done something at the time, but Fleur and I were a newly engaged couple, just hours away from our lengthy wedding ceremony and I had bigger things to worry about.

Tatiana swooped in beside me and said, “Jason! I can tell by the set of your eyebrows that you’re about to burst into rap, and I’m not gonna let you do that to Maxine with no warning. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself from dancing, which would cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway. It would disrupt the entire auction.”

So, the puffer coat woman was Maxine. It was a name I had heard before.

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

I Knew Tatiana Was Trying to Upset Me

  • by Kentwhispered her name in my heart
  • up to your tits in frogs
  • and on the back of your neck
  • dipping his testicles into a container of salsa
  • work involved screwing

Tune in next time part 484      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I knew Tatiana was trying to upset me, but it was her sister I couldn’t stop thinking about. I envisioned Tessa in my mind and whispered her name in my heart. Plus, I was pretending to be Jason, so it was Jason she was trying to upset and it hardly phased me.

The cavern was now beginning to fill up as the time of the auction drew nigh. A short woman in a pillowy turquoise puffer jacket greeted Oksana. They acted like old chums, but all I could overhear was “… moved out of that room! Last time I saw you you were up to your tits in frogs, and had moss growing in your armpits and on the back of your neck.” It was unclear how literally to take any of that.

The next wave of bidders filed in, all of them wanting to exchange pleasantries with the hostess, but the puffer-coat woman was still holding forth. “And then Clarence dipping his testicles into a container of salsa but shying away when I came after him with the corn chips!”

Oksana swiveled to face one of the new arrivals, abandoning the puffy turquoise person, who glanced my way and caught me smirking at her. “I don’t know what you’re so happy about, Jason,” she said. “I’m going to win this auction and put your brother to work.” She stepped closer. “Just like I put you work.”

I tried to keep the surprise off my face. This woman was a family connection I knew nothing about.

“Do you remember your indenture, Jason? Do you remember what the work involved?”

I looked away, feigning anguish.

“Say it!” she demanded.

I swallowed. I tried to read the correct answer on her face, but she was implacable. It had to have been something unsavory, something demeaning. “The work involved screwing,” I muttered.

“Caps onto medicine bottles, that’s right. And you did well, Jason. I would put you back to work any time.”

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!

What I Didn’t Say to Oksana Was

  • by jendeal with things in the proper fashion
  • I have a good relationship with the Fahey family
  • pastel-hued ketchup packets
  • I would probably take my bra off as well
  • which necessitated three visits from the police

Tune in next time part 483      Click Here for Earlier Installments

What I didn’t say to Oksana was “well they certainly aren’t *good* ninjas” although I was sorely tempted. Instead I feigned Jason’s infamous curiosity and boyish wonder and said, “Really? Then what are they?” Being a General of the Mountain Garrisons, it behooved me to deal with things in the proper fashion, especially when those things were a potential invasion army.

“Why they’re yetis, of course,” Oksana trilled. “I have a good relationship with the Fahey family, and they’ve taught me how to train the yeti in the ways of the shadow warrior. It’s coming along quite well, as you can see for yourself.”

I myself have a good relationship with the Faheys, and they’d never mentioned ninjas in my presence. I was gaining all sorts of new insights today.

Before I could press Oksana for more information, Tatiana and John strode into the cavern. Tatiana’s abdomen was bulging with the child or children we had conceived on the crystal throne of Mingus Mint. John was wearing a ski outfit that looked like it was made from pastel-hued ketchup packets.

“I’m here representing Viscount Arlo of Svenborgia,” John announced.

“And I’m representing the Crystal Clown,” said Tatiana. “She’s even more pregnant than I am and couldn’t travel.” She winked at me. “You missed your chance, Jason. But you’re about to be an uncle several times over.”

“You’re a tough woman to brave these mountains in your condition,” said Oksana. “If I were you, I would stay at home with my shoes off and my feet up. I would probably take my bra off as well. Respect.”

Tatiana dipped her chin.

As more auction participants made their way into the chamber, I tried to keep track of them all. It reminded me of the Homecoming party during my senior year at the Academy, an event which necessitated three visits from the police, two from Interpol, and one from the International Siblinghood of Street Performers, who were there on a recruiting mission.

bonus points for using them in order

about stichomancy writing prompts

try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!