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The Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms were Legends

  • by jenjust hit the Slip N Slide
  • it was a luxurious bungalow
  • volcanic sunsets
  • the wife in question was, at least in an abstract sense, *his* wife
  • otherwise it might jump out of your hand

Tune in next time part 525      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms were legends on the professional karaoke circuit. Excellent as I was at belting out crowd favorites, if I was going up against the PSLM² (as they were known to their fans), I might as well forfeit and just hit the Slip N Slide. But these dudes were not the real PSLM².

“I’ve met the PSLM²,” I said. “The PSLM² are good friends of mine.” This was an exaggeration, but I was trying to make a point. “And you, sirs, are no PSLM².”

They all froze. The cowboy’s eyes got wide, and he suddenly turned and ran, disappearing behind a nearby building. It was a luxurious bungalow painted the color of volcanic sunsets. The rest of the imposters looked sheepishly at each other.

I fixed them with my most intimidating General’s stare. “Explain yourselves.”

The imposter imitation cop said, “It was all Henry’s idea. He’s the cowboy you just scared off. You see, there’s this wedding reception, and the wife in question was, at least in an abstract sense, his wife, at least until she met this new fella. And so Henry thought that if he could just get into her wedding reception, maybe he could win her back. And the rest of us are just his coworkers at the accounting firm.” He wrung his hands together. “Please don’t report us.”

I softened my glare. “I’m not going to report you. Relax your grip on that microphone, otherwise it might jump out of your hand. All I want to do is sing YMCA and I’ll be on my way.”

“That’s great news,” the construction worker said. “Because we have limited time to finish our soundcheck before Jason gets his turn. I’m sure you’ve heard of Jason. He’s America’s #1 wedding rapper!”

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By The Time I Negotiated

  • by KentPumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms
  • and a tiny piece of cellophane
  • didn’t exactly “scrub the mug,” but
  • narcissistic to the extreme
  • fancy material, no question

Tune in next time part 524      Click Here for Earlier Installments

By the time I negotiated enough turnings in the hedge maze to reach the source of the music, the first chorus was done. I might have gotten there quicker if I hadn’t felt compelled to form the letters ‘Y, M, C, A’ with my body as I moved.

The stage was built of a hard substance that sparkled, possibly a natural mineral or perhaps something meant for high-end countertops, but fancy material, no question. The singers on that stage were less impressive. I could tell by their desultory choreography that they were all narcissistic to the extreme, too preoccupied with themselves to stay synced up to each other. They did have respectable costumes, but sadly not the physiques to really make them work.

The music abruptly stopped. “Who are you?” demanded the tubby performer in the cop costume. His mirror shades were perched on the tip of his nose, and the look he gave me over them didn’t exactly “scrub the mug,” but it was at least “drying the silverware” if you know what I mean. The construction worker lifted his hard hat, and a tiny piece of cellophane stayed behind, clinging to his bald head.

“I’m a Contrarian general,” I said. “And I order you to start that song over. I’m singing lead this time!”

“Ha!” the biker said. “We’re not your soldiers to be bossed around. Nobody talks like that to the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms!”

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The Women Continued on Without Me

  • by jena very acceptable person as far as we were concerned
  • at the top of their lungs
  • doing a weird semi run waddle
  • my head whirled in dizziness
  • I am a full-on karaoke person

Tune in next time part 523      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The women continued on without me. I stumbled to my feet and found Heinrich proffering a garden hose, which I used to rinse off. As I sat in the sun to dry off, Heinrich said, “Svetlana and I are in the market for a third, and Marnie was a very acceptable person as far as we were concerned. She’s petite enough that she’ll fit in the harness with Svetlana.” He gave me a wry look. “Assuming you didn’t just get one or both of them pregnant.”

I had nothing to say to that, which was fine because the women announced their own umbrellas’ inversions at the top of their lungs and anything I said would have been lost in the erotic cacophony.

As I dressed, Heinrich readied the hose again and went around the hedge doing a weird semi run waddle, with his half-removed bear suit dragging behind him. I wanted to leave before they came back, but couldn’t remember if I was supposed to be gathering information from them. When I tried to piece together the numerous conspiracies I was surrounded by, my head whirled in dizziness. Deciding that if I left I would only invite more chaos into my life, I stayed put.

From far away in the garden I heard the thumping beat of YMCA. You might not know this about me, but I am a full-on karaoke person, and few songs get me as jazzed as that disco classic. I jumped to my feet and got ready to sing.

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Several Hummingbirds Flitted

  • by Kentattracted by the scent
  • The only thing he never changed was his shoes.
  • keep trying to convince Fernando to get bunkbeds
  • conference and magic show
  • my umbrella turned inside out

Tune in next time part 522      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Several hummingbirds flitted about Marnie, Svetlana, and me, no doubt attracted by the scent of the flowering hedges but seemingly curious about us as well. Marnie spoke in a dreamer’s voice, telling us many unwelcome factoids about her husband. “He changed his pants and his shirts multiple times every day. And his socks. And underwear. The only thing he never changed was his shoes. He had the same ones for years.” This droning recitation did help with my tantric capacity, much to Svetlana’s pleasure and Heinrich’s impatience.

He had taken out his phone to pass the time, muttering to himself about the conversations he was reviewing. “Why does Betsy keep trying to convince Fernando to get bunkbeds?” This, too, impeded my progress, even more than the sight of contortionist Svetlana partaking of Nurse Marnie advanced it.

“Abracadabra,” Svetlana said, dropping me a wink. I knew instantly she was referring to my exploits on a windy, rainy night at a lepidopterist conference and magic show. I knew I should be worried that she woud possess such knowledge of my past, but the reminder of that night was a potent erotic trigger. In moments, my umbrella turned inside out, so to speak.

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“I Want Him Back for the Same Reason I Married Him”

  • by jenone thing led to another
  • tempt you into sleeping with your ex
  • with tantric sex thrown in
  • the madman could have still been in the house
  • up to my ankles in long wet grass

Tune in next time part 521      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I want him back for the same reason I married him in the first place,” said Marnie. “Revenge.”

Svetlana gasped. Heinrich chortled and scratched his belly. Marnie explained that her family and her husband’s had been feuding for generations and that their marriage was actually an elaborate ploy on both sides to wreak havoc. She went into great detail and I got a little bored with her tale, and one thing led to another, and eventually I confronted the trio in the clearing.

Svetlana’s eyes lit up when she saw me. Heinrich said, “Ignore him, sweeting, he’s merely going to try to tempt you into sleeping with your ex.”

“We were never a couple,” I said.

“It wouldn’t take much to tempt me,” Svetlana said. “I quite enjoyed our last romp.”

“I don’t have time right now,” I lied. I needed to find a way out of this garden if I wanted to get back to my life, whatever my life looked like now.

Svetlana rose to her feet and began a swaying, hypnotic dance. She approached me while Heinrich grumbled and scratched his belly some more. “Could I tempt you,” Svetlana asked, “with tantric sex thrown in? I’ve learned a few things since the last time we were together.” She pressed herself against my bare chest and I could not resist. We tumbled together into a hollow beneath the shrubberies for a rousing game Svetlana called The Madman and the Housekeeper. I was the housekeeper.

At some point Marnie joined us. The madman could have still been in the housekeeper’s headlock at that point, but I can’t remember for sure. It went on for a very long time, and was very invigorating. Finally Heinrich called, “Svetlana, are you about done? We need to get going.”

Svetlana arched her back and replied, “I’m up to my ankles in long wet grass! Give me a moment!”

She being a contortionist, Svetlana’s ankles weren’t currently located where you might suppose, which made her comment about the grass a little more impressive.

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Svetlana Laughed Heartily

  • by Kentbrave enough to try something this strange and enchanting
  • the eyeliner, the desperation
  • strange, but harmless enough
  • stayed up all night to drunkenly hook up
  • expensive adulterous affairs

Tune in next time part 520      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Svetlana laughed heartily. “I never would have guessed you were brave enough to try something this strange and enchanting!”

Marnie gave a bashful half-curtsey, playing the vamp. But from my place of concealment in the hedges I saw it all: the feigned confidence, the eyeliner, the desperation. She knew she was falling in with a rough crowd. She sighed. “Enchanting? I wouldn’t say so. I guess it is strange, but harmless enough, to want to trap a man. It’s how we met, even. I stayed up all night to drunkenly hook up with him. He thought he’d seduced me, and I played upon his sense of chivalry to make him propose. Then as soon as we were married he commenced a series of expensive adulterous affairs.”

Svetlana turned somber. “And you want him back, why exactly?”

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In the Past

  • by jenwith glitter and colored glass
  • even on a dare
  • It’s another ritual.
  • The internet’s first conspiracy theory
  • He probably thought you were trying to trap him

Tune in next time part 519      Click Here for Earlier Installments

In the past when I received a letter like Marnie’s, it came in a box filled with glitter and colored glass slippers I would never wear, not even on a dare. Some people might think the whole thing is a test or a joke, but it’s not. It’s another ritual. Contrarian, of course.

The internet’s first conspiracy theory was about Contrarian rituals, and most of the conspiracies since have been, too, even if inadvertently. Contrarian rituals are complex and ubiquitous. How could I extract poor Marnie Glockenspiel from this ritual she didn’t even know she was participating in?

I heard Svetlana say, “I don’t think your husband was kidnapped at all. He probably thought you were trying to trap him, and fled. Men do that, you know.”

“Oh, but I was trying to trap him!” Marnie declared.

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Marnie Glockenspiel Took a Paper

  • by Kentaddressed to her husband
  • Even your fingernails
  • Nor am I trying to repay you with money
  • I do not care to be hypnotized
  • such a methodical revenge

Tune in next time part 518      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Marnie Glockenspiel took a paper out of a pocket of her nurse uniform. She explained to Heinrich and Svetlana that it was a letter addressed to her husband, which had arrived only after he disappeared. She read them a few lines, faltering over the strange syntax, then sobbed that the whole letter made no sense.

It was obviously in code, and in fact it was one I was fluent with. I could help Marnie figure out what her husband had been mixed up in.

But Svetlana kept badgering her about crawling under Heinrich’s clothes as a way to travel. “Even your fingernails won’t bother him, he has such a thick hide,” she assured Marnie.

“Look,” the erstwhile nurse said, “I do really appreciate the ride you already gave me. It’s gotten me this far, which is worth something. But I can’t become any more deeply indebted to you. Nor am I trying to repay you with money, for the simple reason that I have none. My mission is to find my husband, and I do not care to be hypnotized by the uncanny motion of your limbs. Besides, it’s impractical. I can’t travel as you do, because unlike you I am not a contortionist.”

“You’re overlooking one thing,” Heinrich put in. “Without us, you’re stuck here. There’s something in that letter about a bear, right? You think that’s a coincidence?”

Svetlana chortled.

Everything about Marnie’s situation clicked in my mind. Someone had kidnapped her husband, so that they could send a letter to him that she would read, which would take her to this place, and make her susceptible to the flimsy rationale of two criminals inside a bear suit. But who would trouble themselves to take such a methodical revenge on a nurse?

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My Stomach Growled Like the Bear I was Chasing

  • by jensmear it on the underside
  • as enjoyable as possible for both of us
  • I learned ‘Very Social’ = Unabashedly Enthusiastic Swingers into BDSM.
  • I was completely naïve
  • Will your mom be cool with that?

Tune in next time part 517      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My stomach growled like the bear I was chasing. While the chef was distracted by a tray of tater tots, I snatched up a slice of bread. A few feet along the buffet table I found butter, and a knife with which to smear it on the underside of the bread — a trick I’d learned at the Academy.

Munching my snack, I trotted through the garden in search of Marnie Glockenspiel and her ursine companion. As I neared another turning in the hedge maze, I heard voices coming through the vegetation. I paused to listen. To my shock I recognized both voices. One was Marnie, the other Heinrich Hunter. And then a third voice. Svetlana, the contortionist who traveled the world hidden inside Heinrich’s shirt.

Svetlana, mother of my quadruplet sons, said, “There’s plenty of room in here, Marnie, and I promise to make it as enjoyable as possible for both of us. You’ll love it. We’re very social.”

I dropped to the ground and peered underneath the bushes. Heinrich was sitting on the ground, having shed the top half of his bear suit to expose Svetlana. Svetlana was working hard to convince Marnie to join her inside Heinrich’s clothes. While they talked I learned ‘Very Social’ = Unabashedly Enthusiastic Swingers into BDSM. Before overhearing this sordid negotiation I would not have thought I was completely naïve, but all I could think was “Will your mom be cool with that?”

I mean, my mom probably would be, but most moms wouldn’t.

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Brady, Of Course, Hadn’t Known

  • by Kentthe blackest ink
  • and tater tots on Tuesdays
  • “Yeah, that sucks, buddy.”
  • that the ginger chef insisted on
  • I am a man with a refined palate

Tune in next time part 516      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Brady, of course, hadn’t known I was aware of his affiliation with Jorgensen. He was as surprised as Scrim, his eyes bugging over cheeks smeared with mascara dark as the blackest ink available for calligraphic pen refills. While he was still in shock, I took advantage of Brady’s foot injury and the fact that Scrim’s knees didn’t bend to dash off into the garden without being pursued.

I hoped to find nurse Marnie, but the garden was like a maze. Around the third turning between towering, flowering hedges, I encountered a sort of clearing that was being used as an outdoor kitchen. Several large tables were configured for prep zones, and people in white jackets and toques scurried about stirring the contents of kettles suspended over bonfires.

“Did a nurse just ride a bear through here?” I asked.

“Don’t think so,” a red-haired cook said. “But it’s possible we wouldn’t notice, because we’re so busy. We have to prepare casseroles and desserts and salads every day, and tater tots on Tuesdays.”

I sighed. “Yeah, that sucks, buddy.”

“Now please clear out. You’re distracting my staff!” Hollandaise sauce flew off the wooden spoon that the ginger chef insisted on waving around as he spoke. “Or, at least keep quiet. I am a man with a refined palate and a short temper.”

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