Tagged: bonus points

“In That Case”

  • by Kentalone with the complimentary body lotion
  • naked butt jutted out
  • one I like to call “Catfish
  • subtly impressive aquatic flourishes
  • to meet the medical fellows

Tune in next time part 904      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“In that case,” the ambassador said, “you’ll be pleased to hear that tonight’s event has been catered by a Swiss company. Dessert will be working timepieces built entirely out of chocolate.”

Seeing that the potential faux pas had passed without dooming us, my mind returned to the question of Ursula. I was more sure than ever that my inability to recall anyone of that name was a sign that my memory had been tampered with. I wanted to be able to focus on this problem, wanted it the way I always wanted to be alone with the complimentary body lotion upon checking into a swanky hotel. But I had to keep alert and perform my interpretive duties.

A ruckus broke out on the other side of the spacious lobby, where one of the silly armadillo modesty appliqués had dropped from a statue in a fountain. Now its naked butt jutted out, and from it water jetted out. Dignitaries in wilting finery scrambled to escape the spray.

The ambassador nudged me and dropped me a wink. He revealed a small pushbutton device in his hand, then whispered, “Gotta liven these snoozefests up somehow. I have lots of fun tricks up my sleeve. This one I like to call ‘Catfish in Espadrilles,’ for obvious reasons.” He did something else with the remote control, and the stream from the statue’s patootie took on subtly impressive aquatic flourishes, spelling out various Colloquillian profanities in elaborate cursive letters. The sopping attendees near ground zero broke into applause.

“Enough culture,” Fleur said. “On to business.” She nodded at me, then quickly rolled her eyes in exasperation. I realized that she’d wanted me to handle the explanation, but she hadn’t told me what she had in mind. At least, I had no *memory* of it.

Rather than pull me aside to confer, she plowed ahead. She told the ambassador, “It’s time I took you to meet the medical fellows, if you know what I mean.”

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While My Fellow Triangular Deathmates Laughed

  • by jenpresident of Poland for only one day
  • almost deserted landscapes
  • unmarried rodents
  • Maybe I’m a food snob
  • like American Ding Dongs

Tune in next time part 903     Click Here for Earlier Installments

While my fellow triangular deathmates laughed, I wracked my brain for any clue as to who the mysterious Ursula could be. It felt important to know who the ambassador loved enough to mention during an important summit such as this. Was Ursula a fellow ambassador? Was she the leader of some diabolical new Guild of, say, Stiltwalkers? Did she win a contest that allowed her to be president of Poland for only one day instead of the usual five years?

It seemed impossible that I did not already know numerous Ursulas, but that seemed to be the case. The parts of my mind where I would expect to find Ursula-related facts were almost deserted landscapes, populated by nothing but a few murky ideas that skittered through the shadows like unmarried rodents at the lab picnic.

The utter lack of anything about “Ursula” was so remarkable that I suspected my memory had been altered. While I tried to work out who my mind-tailor had been, and what their nefarious purpose might be, I heard Fleur say, “Maybe I’m a food snob, but I find Harmonious desserts to be cloying, like American Ding Dongs and the American ding-dongs who eat them.”

Was she *trying* to get us killed?

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I Hastened To Smooth Things Over

  • by KentWhen I was in high school, the term was “Triangle of Death”
  • also played the clarinet
  • “You don’t understand – I love Ursula.”
  • Hadn’t I told Arlo that?
  • wonderfully weird Japanese game show

Tune in next time part 902      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I hastened to smooth things over. “What the Warlord-Apparent means to say is, you’ve really brought the very notion of a summit facility to new heights here.” The ambassador’s smile relaxed only a fraction.

Next came my oh-shit moment as I realized where I actually stood. Not on the Colloquillian mountaintop, but at one corner of a diabolical shape. When I was in high school, the term was “Triangle of Death” although the official jargon in the syllabus was “Diplomatic Fulcrum,” not that I was ever, technically, in high school. At the Academy I took a few esoteric poli-sci classes, and I recognized what I was caught in. It was a classic construct involving two dignitaries and the hapless interpreter (me) stuck in the middle. Those esoteric classes might have given me the insights I would need in this scenario, but I had also played the clarinet in the school’s jazz band but could no longer remember how to even hold the instrument. So my prospects felt bleak.

Unfortunately, I’d been lost in reminiscence so long that I’d missed several beats as the conversation had progressed. The ambassador shook his head vehemently, saying, “You don’t understand — I love Ursula.”

Fleur glanced my way, and I tried to look confident. When in doubt, always act like you know who Ursula is. Hadn’t I told Arlo that? But wouldn’t any advice I’d given to him be of questionable merit? I hate that dick.

They were both staring at me now, the other two points on the Triangle of Death. So I blurted the first Colloquialism that popped into my head.

“Some days we all feel like we’re winning a wonderfully weird Japanese game show.”

Fleur and the ambassador’s icy stares went on for another five terrifying seconds. Then they both erupted in laughter.

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Fleur Elbowed Me

  • by jenthe funniest women alive
  • for ever suggesting such a ridiculous trip
  • highly absorbent pants
  • not enough room for a person underneath
  • built like a municipal building

Tune in next time part 901      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur elbowed me in the ribs and I blurted out an introduction. “Ambassador, I’d like you to meet one of the funniest women alive: Warlord-Apparent Fleur of Contraria.” Normally I would not describe my wife as funny, except for ever suggesting such a ridiculous trip with no preparation, but this was Colloquillia, and it was as traditional as the ambassador’s highly absorbent pants.

Fleur nodded once in acknowledgement, and the ambassador curtsied so low there was not enough room for a person underneath his outsplayed elbows. “I enjoy,” Fleur said, “how this summit facility is built like a municipal building.”

Oh dear. Her Colloquillian was very rusty. I hoped she hadn’t just created an international incident with her silly faux pas.

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Over 900!!! aka I Recognized the Colloquillian Ambassador

In honor of this milestone, we pulled our stichomancy ingredients from cat-related sources. Why cats? Because cats have nine lives, and this is number nine-hundred in the chain story. Also, we happen to like kitty cats, despite having puppy dogs as assistants. They like cats too. Lady Marzipan in particular loooves them so much that she gets too excited and the kitties get too scared. So she’s really never actually gotten to meet one. It’s tragic, really.

Anyway, enjoy this team-up installment constructed with snippets from the official site of the Cat Fanciers Association as well as an assortment of Wikipedia entries purr-taining to all things feline.

As usual, Jen goes first and only relinquishes her grip on the keyboard once the first prompt phrase has been incorporated. Then Kent takes his turn, and so on, alternating until the deed is done.

  • the same as 15 years ago, but in a different order
  • baffles everyone
  • pretty heavy for a youngster to pick up and carry around
  • has a malevolent attitude toward Stuart
  • earned the right to bear a name
  • inflicting harm on his roommates for perceived injustices
  • who ran for mayor
  • regularly post photos of him climbing into rental cars
  • napping in unusual places
  • notorious for being an expert night cat burglar

Tune in next time parts 899 & 900      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I recognized the Colloquillian ambassador from a scandal more than a decade ago. To save face, he’d changed his name, but he hadn’t done a very good job of it. All the letters were the same as 15 years ago, but in a different order. The details of the scandal make even less sense, a story that baffles everyone while actually scandalizing very few. I hoped the ambassador didn’t have any children, though, because speaking from experience, any sort of scandal involving one’s parent is pretty heavy for a youngster to pick up and carry around in their mind.

Fleur stepped back to my side and helped me get the chaos inside my clothes under control. While stabilizing the final few persistent bells and whistles, she covertly whispered to me, “Our intelligence reports that the ambassador has a malevolent attitude toward Stuart, so don’t bring him up. Whoever he is.”

According to my Colloquillian former lover (the one who taught me what I know of the language), her countrymen had very, very strong opinions about how a person earned the right to bear a name as grand and revered as Stuart. One of their folk heroes was the main figure in a legend about a lonely plumber inflicting harm on his roommates for perceived injustices, which was how he earned that right. The only other man deemed worthy of the Stuart sobriquet was my lover’s brother, who ran for mayor of the capital and was elected at age 14. His term in office was defined by scandals of his own, as the press would regularly post photos of him climbing into rental cars when the whole populace knew he wasn’t old enough to drive.

Both Stuarts were known for napping in unusual places, but it wasn’t clear to me if that was a requirement of the “job” or a perk. A final detail popped up from deep in my memory, that one of the Stuarts was notorious for being an expert night cat burglar. But which one?

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It Turned Out

  • by Kentsucker for trompe l’oiel
  • (I am not a billionaire)
  • with protuberant eyes glued to the bathers
  • tastes like raspberries and smells like rum
  • See how he dances and prances for you!

Tune in next time part 898      Click Here for Earlier Installments

It turned out that in Colloquillia a “summit meeting” actually takes place atop a mountain. By arriving in an airship we saved ourselves what was apparently a rather perilous climb. Fleur linked elbows with me so she could steer my course with suitably stately poise, as if I might get lost on our way across the gangway. In truth, my hangover still had my head a bit swimmy and I was grateful for someone to lean on.

“Don’t look down,” she said. Of course, I looked down immediately.

“How high is this mountain?” I blurted out. The chasm below us seemed to drop away forever. Then I remembered that Colloquillian agriculture is all carefully planned and managed in order to create images and optical illusions when viewed from above. Presumably the hope is that any would-be enemy pilot is a sucker for trompe l’oiel.

“What I mean is,” I stammered, “how high is my new military rank? I am not familiar with this getup I’m wearing.”

Fleur said, “It’s not really military per se. Daddy lets certain tycoons buy their way into the command structure. So, this ‘getup’ you’re wearing will let the Colloquillians know that you’re ultra-rich.”

I wasn’t sure how I should behave (I am not a billionaire) or how I should feel about this ploy. And I wasn’t going to get a chance to mull things over, because seconds later we entered the summit facility. The lobby was breathtakingly, confusingly grand. It had several large fountains containing nude statuary, but there were comical toy armadillos with protruberant eyes glued to the bathers in strategic locations to ensure their modesty. Fleur collected two glasses from a passing server’s tray, handing me one. I knew it was the local brew, a sparkly drink that tastes like raspberries and smells like rum, but I was unsure whether it would help my hangover or land me on the floor.

“Here comes the ambassador now,” Fleur muttered. “Introduce me.”

I stepped forward, intending to execute a formal bow. But as soon as I leaned forward, my outlandish hat threatened to topple. Trying to save it, I triggered at least half of the bells and whistles in my underwear. The harder I tried to rein it in, the more my uniform found ways to rebel, sending me into a swirling conniption of high kicks and arm swings. The ambassador bypassed me and greeted Fleur directly.

I couldn’t hear what she said to him, but I overheard him exclaim, “See how he dances and prances for you!”

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I Saluted My Wife

  • by jenhunger for learning
  • I kept a toothbrush there
  • in unison for four minutes
  • only kissed and snuggled
  • the chaotic shitshow that is my

Tune in next time part 897      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I saluted my wife in the customary yet complicated fashion called for in these circumstances. Thanks to my lifelong hunger for learning, I had memorized nearly half of the guidebooks in the Pittsburghistan Royal Library of Contrarian Customs and Diplomacy. The place was like a second home to me. I kept a toothbrush there, and a sleeping bag. All that research paid off now as I raised and lowered my eyebrows in unison for four minutes while holding my thumbs to my cheekbones and flexing and contorting alternating fingers. And I did it all flawlessly. Fleur was so impressed that I thought she might spare me the translation gig and take me to bed, but she only kissed and snuggled my elbow briefly before ushering me to the door and out into the chaotic shitshow that is my life story.

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“And If I Didn’t Know Better”

  • by Kentgonna really blow some minds, man
  • He doesn’t want your thanks. He wants your blood.
  • full of neon fish
  • kick to the shins from some little cretin
  • payback in the form of buying dozens of turtles

Tune in next time part 896      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“And if I didn’t know better,” I said, pausing to groan and rub my temples, “I’d think you wanted to be seduced.” The alluring grin I attempted at the end was probably spoiled by the way I squinted in pain from the dim light in Fleur’s quarters.

Her delighted little hoot of amusement made me flinch. “Just get dressed!” she said firmly but not angily. Where my wife is concerned, “but not angrily” is about the best you can hope for.

The uniform confounded me, and not just because of my hangover. The fabric must have had a convoluted backstory involving textile shortages, betrayal, and payback in the form of buying dozens of turtles then forcing someone to watch what was done with them. At least the trousers would serve me well if I took a kick to the shins from some little cretin, or even a fairly big one. The belt was heavy and transparent, containing water full of neon fish (another chapter in the sordid backstory?). But the most impressive and puzzling part was the hat. It was something to be worn by a very specific type of lunatic. The type who runs you off the road and then comes back to rescue you from the wreckage. The type who scares off the other lunatics, but you shouldn’t be grateful. He doesn’t want your thanks. He wants your blood. I hoped he didn’t want his hat back.

When I was at last fully attired, Fleur sized me up. “We’re gonna really blow some minds, man.”

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“Your New Uniform is in the Wardrobe”

  • by jenbrought into the kicking chamber
  • howling, drooling
  • “We’ve had our fun.”
  • not a cold day by Lapland standards
  • what a beautiful dance

Tune in next time part 895      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Your new uniform is in the wardrobe,” Fleur said. “Dress quickly.”

I groaned. “I’m too hungover to do anything quickly.”

“Then I shall have you brought into the kicking chamber where all the howling, drooling, tantrumming babies are kept.” Fleur gave an evil chuckle. “That should clear your hangover right up.”

With another groan I heaved myself to my feet. “We’ve had our fun.” I stood still until my head stopped spinning. “No need to bring the children into it.”

I showered quickly, shaved, and scraped the eggnog fuzz off my teeth. “What’s the weather like in Colloquillia today?”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s not a cold day by Lapland standards, or if it’s as hot as the Sahara, you’re wearing the same uniform in any case.”

Contrarian military uniforms are uniformly outlandish. The higher the rank, the more ridiculous the accessories. Judging by what awaited me in the wardrobe, I’d been promoted again.

I started with the underwear, complete with all the bells and whistles. As I shimmied and tugged everything into place, Fleur said, “What a beautiful dance. If I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to seduce me.”

If it meant not having to put on the rest of this outrageous getup, it might be worth it, monster hangover and all.

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I Awoke With Bleary Vision

  • by Kentlook at all the hip movement
  • escaped through the tunnel system
  • (Chum, chum, chum)
  • a bonus grandma
  • no longer necessary to rely on insects for most outfits

Tune in next time part 894      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I awoke with bleary vision and a head filled with unclean dreams. My head was pounding too hard for me to shake away the dream-residue without my skull flying to pieces, so I was left to puzzle out which memories were real. Surely Fleur’s enormous velvet bed must have been a confabulation.

But, no. It loomed over the cramped husband-bed, where I found myself with numerous hens for companionship. They scratched at the sumptuous bedding and shot me beady, disapproving looks. As if it was my fault there were no worms or seeds tucked among the folds.

That meant we must be about to arrive in Colloquillia, unless we were already there. I sat up, straining for a view out the modern windows. Not that I’d recognize the country even if I did manage to get a look outside. I slumped back in disappointment, setting off a blizzard of chicken feathers.

“What are we doing in your quarters?” I bellowed. “You said we were bound for steerage, for a party.”

She came into view around the prow of the mammoth bed. “And it thrilled me to look at all the hip movements you performed as you eagerly staggered along. If I’d told you the truth, you might have broken away and escaped through the tunnel system that permeates my airship. Even I don’t have it all mapped out. There’s something in there making an ominous sound, like this:” She paused to demonstrate the noise (Chum, chum, chum) conveying its ominousness mainly via her eyebrows as her pleasing contralto voice couldn’t manage alone.

I sighed. “You said something about a summit?”

Fleur nodded as she adjusted an earring. “And I need you as an interpreter. Otherwise, I’ll just have to take it literally when the ambassador mentions having a bonus grandma or finding it no longer necessary to rely on insects for most outfits.”

I laughed, which made my headache worse. “You do realize that my Colloquillian is rustier than a beached trawler in the Salton Sea.”

“Sounds like you’ll do just fine,” she replied.

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