Tagged: actor

“Say No More!”

  • by jenand things of that nature
  • has a living raccoon on his head
  • witchcraft-induced hair color change
  • losing sleep all week because of this
  • I will come and claim you

Tune in next time part 617      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Say no more!” the emcee chortled with an elaborate wink. “You are clearly a discerning gentleman.” He went on in a highly suspicious British accent, insinuating that I must have elaborate fetishes and fantasies, and things of that nature. It’s hard to take a man seriously when it looks like he either has a living raccoon on his head, or perhaps merely witchcraft-induced hair color change. What I’m saying is, the theatre would benefit from a higher wig budget. But it’s not like I’ll be losing sleep all week because of this, or anything: I’m not a theatre critic anymore.

I gestured for the show to continue, vaguely curious about the amazing sex fundamentals I had been promised.

“During intermission I will come and claim your winning ticket!” the emcee (or his wig) threatened with another lewd wink. “And now, on with the show!”

The orchestra worked itself into a frenzy.

bonus points for using them in order

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A Second Woman in Chef’s Whites

  • by jen“Look, Esmerelda!” she whispered.
  • my angry heart
  • the fire is slowly dying
  • vital, sunburnt, carefree
  • where social graces are never needed

Tune In Next Time Part 20                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

A second woman in chef’s whites approached the craft services table. The first woman elbowed her and pointed at the vital, sunburnt, carefree Tyler as he cavorted around the beach naked. “Look, Esmerelda!” she whispered. A movie set seems to be a place where social graces are never needed.

While the two of them ogled the actor, I cast my eyes back out to the zodiac bobbing in the waves near the pier. Tessa had double crossed me so many times in the past 24 hours I wasn’t sure I could ever trust her again. The woman was maddening, and for years I carried an inferno of passion for her in my angry heart.

“She’s cast her lot with John now,” I said to myself, “and in my heart the fire is slowly dying.”

I shook the metal box, hoping to divine its contents, but the sloshing rattle gave me nothing to go on. I stared at the lock, remembering that Tessa alone knew the combination.

Out on the sea, the ominous fins were circling ever closer to the zodiac and its lone passenger.

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While Tessa Laughed

  • k-avatar— those Unicorn things you know, without horns —
  • at the sight of the nude young man
  • Because it’s the latter.
  • coquelicot malice in his face
  • very nervous about his voice being taped

Tune In Next Time Part 19                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

While Tessa laughed like a warped violin played by a demented jackrabbit and John checked the regulator on his diving suit, I started paddling toward shore, careful to keep the box out of sight beneath the surface of the water. The sharks might get me, but John and Tessa damn well weren’t getting the treasure. If the chum-vortex that attracted the sharks in the first place kept them distracted, I would be ashore and long gone before my former partner and my former paramour found the empty hole on the seabed. When the sandy bottom came up to meet my exhausted strokes, I knew my troubles were all behind me.

“Cut!” a shrill voice bellowed. I looked up from where I had crawled onto the beach and discovered a film crew in front of me. I stifled a laugh at the sight of the nude young man jogging in place. The director stormed down on me, coquelicot malice in his face and a piece of driftwood in his hand. I stood, tucking the metal box under my arm and scowling to match the director’s vicious mood.

“What are you doing here!” he screamed. “Can’t you see we’re filming! Beach closed!”

“I’m here to inspect the set,” I improvised. “Your permits better all be in proper order, too!”

The director dropped his driftwood club. “Oh, of course. It’ll only take a moment. Help yourself to some hot coffee.” And he scurried off.

I glanced back out over the water to see Tessa alone in the zodiac, eyeing the circling fins uneasily. I tried not to laugh, in case the film crew started doubting my story. Never wonder if it’s a good or bad idea to laugh out loud among your enemies. Because it’s the latter.

At the craft services table, I got a hot beverage. The nude young man jogged up to me and said, “In my scene, in the finished movie, I’ll be riding animals — those Unicorn things you know, without horns — but it’s all digital. So I have to move like I’m riding.” His eyes fell on the corroded metal box I still carried. “You’re not recording this are you?” And he ran away.

The caterer shrugged. After I stared openmouthed for a few seconds, she said, “Tyler’s going to do fine in this business. He’s very nervous about his voice being taped, but he’s okay going full-frontal.”

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Andrew Lloyd Webber Read the Theater Reviews

  • by jenthey’ve ruined my show
  • sang the last line of the song
  • that fateful morning
  • no one mocked his old lady voice
  • you are so flamboyantly much
  • hung from hooks

Andrew Lloyd Webber read the theater reviews with a sinking heart that fateful morning.

“They’ve ruined my show!” he cried.

“You are so flamboyantly much more important in your own mind than you are in the real world,” goaded his daughter Catherine.

Andrew looked at her and noticed for the first time that tiny wooden fish hung from hooks in her ears.

Catherine grabbed the paper and read the most scathing lines of the review out loud. “Gary Sinise was not the best choice for the role of Grandma Kittywhiskers. I’d like to say no one mocked his old lady voice, but I can’t. The crowd erupted in giggles repeatedly, most notably at the end of ‘Crazy Cat Lady Blues’ when he sang the last line of the song a cappella.”

Andrew hung his head in shame.

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Behind Half-Closed Lids

  • k-avatarwith their burning eyes and saliva-spun lips
  • Behind half-closed lids
  • infecting several people
  • spring glibly from his tongue
  • the Actor-Robot’s overwhelming hate
  • once through his nose

Behind half-closed lids, the Actor-Robot’s overwhelming hate for the Director-Robot and the Wardrobe-Robot, with their burning eyes and saliva-spun lips, seethed and roiled like the caustic wit that would spring glibly from his tongue, and emerged once through his nose, when he took the stage to mock the President-Robot who, through neglectful hygiene, wound up infecting several people with degenerative robotism.

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Reggie Was Growing Disenchanted

  • by jen“Blowing hard on his face,”
  • from a roadside zoo in Florida
  • order his midnight niblets
  • or ugly or evil
  • his particular phobia is length
  • forced to labor in the vineyards
  • Attacking me, mind you!

Reggie was growing disenchanted with the casting process for the Hieronymus Warhol movie.

“Does he have references?” she asked of an actor hoping to play the hero.

“Yes,” signed Jen. “But they’re from a roadside zoo in Florida.”

Reggie snorted and tossed the headshot aside. “He is not outrageous or ugly or evil-smelling enough, plus his particular phobia is length, if you know what I mean. He’ll never work as Hero.”

“He should be forced to labor in the vineyards until he no longer desires an acting career,” agreed Jen.

Jen picked up the next headshot from the pile beside the margaritas. She whistled and handed it to Reggie.

“Blowing hard on his face,” Reggie said, “is how I would like to start my morning.”

“Why don’t you order his midnight niblets and see where it leads?” said Jen.

Reggie smirked. “I would if I didn’t need to worry about Naveen’s jealousy attacking. Attacking me, mind you! If Naveen’s jealousy would settle for only attacking this handsome actor, it might be worth a try.”

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I’ll Never Forget My Day in Court

  • k-avatarmy leg mashed into the sheep dog
  • pat her everywhere, including under her stomach
  • “You’ll be playing an elderly butler.”
  • get yourself another lawyer
  • remarkable reproduction of a Ubangi blowgun
  • equally terrible but for an entirely different reason
  • using Marian’s breast as a springboard

I’ll never forget my day in court, one of the most unpleasant in my life. It all started when my leg mashed into the sheep dog after using Marian’s breast as a springboard, and the EMT told me to pat her everywhere, including under her stomach, and I thought he meant Marian, whom I’d just met and didn’t really get along with, and when I explained all this from the witness stand my attorney said, “Get yourself another lawyer.”

Equally terrible but for an entirely different reason was my first theatre audition, at age nine. The director said, “You’ll be playing an elderly butler,” and handed another actor a remarkable reproduction of a Ubangi blowgun. Then he said something vague about the butler not doing it this time, and next thing I knew there was a sharp sting in my buttock and the room went all spinny.

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Turkish Delight Worried The Bullwhip

  1. by jenCharacter – porn star named Turkish Delight
  2. Setting – Loch Ness
  3. Object – bullwhip
  4. Situation – midlife crisis

Turkish Delight worried the bullwhip in her leather-gloved hands. Where on earth was the director? This was going to be her big break, the movie that showcased her acting skills along with her enormous breasts and insatiable appetite for kinky sex. Desmond had assured her it would be tastefully done, but now no one could find him.

Her costars tried to convince her that the cameraman could be relied on to bring the vision to fruition, but Del just didn’t trust him the way she trusted Desmond.

They had flown all the way to Scotland to film the special scenes with Nessie yesterday. It had been freezing, absolutely freezing, but Del had lived up to her end of the deal. Last night Desmond just kept staring at her. He couldn’t even get it up.

He must be having a midlife crisis, Del decided.

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