This Was All Very Distracting

  • by jenlying naked in front of an open refrigerator
  • touching a stranger or
  • sheet of hotel stationery
  • suffers the indignity of being accused of
  • one hour each week

Tune in next time part 611      Click Here for Earlier Installments

This was all very distracting. I knew I had important business, but the details were growing foggier by the second. To tune out the bewigged erotic bandits and what they were doing with their hands, I pictured myself lying naked in front of an open refrigerator, my bare feet touching a stranger or perhaps an acquaintance holding a single sheet of hotel stationery, but it did no good. I was in the moment, for good or ill, and in the moment I was in a murky tunnel under an outhouse with a quartet of unusual, glowing, scantily clad women. I’m not a man who gladly suffers the indignity of being accused of easy virtue, but — as they say at the Academy — if the shoe fits, wear it for at least one hour each week.

“I believe he’s ready, Uncle Albatross,” said one of the octopus women.

“I believe you’re right, Uncle Periwinkle,” replied her bikini-sharing partner.

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Getting The Band Back Together

We’ve been in a critique group for years. If you don’t have one, you really should look into it. Feedback from fellow writers can be amazingly helpful, and in fact just hanging out with fellow writers feeds the soul on so many levels. And, the need to bring pages in for group can be a great motivator for those who work best under a deadline.

Obviously, meeting has been a challenge for the past year and a half. We set up a Zoom routine that’s helped us keep things rolling, and now that our members are all vaccinated we’re finally starting to talk about gathering in person again. It seems like that might take us a while to figure out, because we’re a klatch of writers and not a team of logistics experts. Meanwhile we can still do video meetings.

Writing with a partner is sort of like having a built-in critique group. Being able to sound out ideas and just converse with another person who gets it becomes baked-in as part of the process. Still, you need to try your work out on people who didn’t write it.

A writing partner is someone who makes sure you’re not on mute (and sometimes makes sure that you are).

I Tried To Take A Casual Step Back

  • by KentLike peacock feathers,
  • create a new surname entirely
  • expertise in the art of seduction
  • what is with all the boob tassels?
  • his chair with his bare feet

Tune in next time part 610      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I tried to take a casual step back, but Uncle Gossamer’s grip on my shoulder was unyielding. “Hey, that sounds great,” I stammered. “But what I need to do is go the other way.”

The two uncles laughed in unison, throwing back their heads to display their smooth, slender throats. Their chests bounced, giving motion to the ornamental fringe dangling from their complex bikini top. Like peacock feathers, and like their wigs, these tassels possessed an irridescence that enhanced the effect of their swinging motion.

“But you really must come with us,” Uncle Marigold purred. She moved close without seeming to have moved at all, breathing on my ear as she said, “We’ll make you cry uncle. Uncle Gossamer, Uncle Marigold, why you’ll have to create a new surname entirely just so you can keep going. I promise you you’ve never met anyone before with greater expertise in the art of seduction.”

“Only because he hasn’t met us yet,” came another rich, sultry voice. Its owner was another pair of green-wigged women conjoined in a bathing suit even more perplexing than the first duo’s. Its main motif was tentacles, but there was more to it. They spoke again, in unison, but I missed what they said because I was preoccupied with the realization that their suit’s octopus was busy in its garden. A row of some undersea vegetable crossed the shared bust, with sprigs of iridescent fronds strategically placed over all four nipples.

I thought, “These must be the bandits, but what is with all the boob tassels? And why did Tessa want me to wait while she ran away!”

The octo-posse laughed then, just as hypnotically as Uncle Gossamer and Uncle Marigold. They moved around behind me, enfolding me in all four of their arms. “This poor, befuddled person,” they cooed. “He needs to sit in his chair with his bare feet in a nice warm bath.” She whispered in both ears at once. “But, not really his feet, or a bath. But certainly bare, and definitely nice and warm.”

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Before I Could Race After Tessa

  • by jencaptivate and confuse
  • shaped like a yellow submarine
  • suitcase full of raw meat
  • Uncle Gossamer
  • licking her partner’s fingers

Tune in next time part 609      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Before I could race after Tessa, a hand gripped me by the shoulder. A hand with long, elegant fingernails that glowed in the dark. Startled, I whirled around and saw two women dressed to captivate and confuse. The two of them shared a single luminous bikini, shaped like a yellow submarine but colored like a suitcase full of raw meat. In addition to their phosphorescent manicures and swimwear, they each wore a vibrantly glowing green wig.

“Hi,” said the woman on the right. “I’m Uncle Gossamer.”

The woman on the left stopped licking her partner’s fingers long enough to say, “And I’m Uncle Marigold. You’ll need to come with us.”

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In Search of a Different Kind of Inspiration

Ideas are not something we struggle with, usually. That’s one of the advantages to being a writing team. Between the two of us we’re almost always able to come up with fun complications for our plots, and, after letting our characters struggle with them for a bit, fun solutions to those complications. It’s pretty awesome.

We’ve encountered a snag, though, in something tangentially related to the writing: redecorating the Writing Cave. Jen says it’s time. The Writing Cave is the first room we did anything to after buying our house. Back then we just called it the office. Writing wasn’t something we were as dedicated to, and we just needed a good place to set up our computer desks where the kids couldn’t casually smear peanut butter all over the keyboards. They do that less often now, what with one of them being in grad school and the other the proud owner of a shiny new PhD.

When we bought the place, the office was carpeted in plush, vibrant blue — a wall-to-wall Cookie Monster pelt. The rest of the house had hardwood, and we knew there was hardwood under all that Muppet fur, but we worried about what shape it might be in. It must be pretty bad for the previous owners to have kept it covered, right?

Wrong. When we pulled it up we discovered that the underpadding was pieced together from a million little scraps, all stapled into place. But other than that the floor was fine.

We stripped off the mattress-ticking wallpaper and put up a nice rich blue, speckled with whimsical stars and moons. It looks a lot less Lucky Charms than that sounds, but it is perhaps a little too whimsical and there are a few spots where we tore it a little moving furniture. When we had new windows installed, the paint we got to do touch-up doesn’t quite match the original.

The ceiling fixture doesn’t give as much light as we need, and is constructed in such a way that it’s hard to find bulbs that fit inside it with the cover on.

So — we’re all agreed, then. It’s time to redo this room. (Well, we’re not *all* agreed. Kent is indifferent. But he’s willing to follow Jen’s lead.) We know we want to make a change, we just don’t know what we want to change it to. It’s a strange place for us to be. We’ve done a lot of home improvement, and we usually have no shortage of ideas there either. But this time we (read: Jen) are kind of floundering. We’re most likely going to get new desks that can convert to standing desks with the touch of a button. Other than that we’re happy with the furniture. That’s good for our budget, but doesn’t leave a lot of room for creativity.

All we know for sure is that we don’t want the walls to be white. And we want a new light fixture and window covering. What those will look like, we have no idea. Oh – and we’re going to clear out the closet and install some sort of organization system, once we sort through all the junk and see what we actually want to keep.

If we get it figured out while we’re still outlining the Ghost Books, we can talk through plot points while we paint. Otherwise we’ll have to divide our time between writing and acting out our HGTV dreams.

The best writing partner is the one who supports you, even when it means applying liberal helpings of elbow grease.

I Struggled Into A Standing Position

  • by Kentaccording to the banner pinned to the wall
  • it’s bandit country.
  • each of the 24 wigs
  • Suddenly, I want to touch him.
  • “Out loud!”

Tune in next time part 608      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I struggled into a standing position, still leaning against the damp rock for support. Carefully, tenderly, I reached for the concealed button John had used to deactivate Tessa. I felt a soft click behind her ear. She remained motionless, but powerful beams of light shot from her eyes.

Blinking and squinting in the sudden glare, I surveyed the tunnel. “Well, Tessa,” I muttered, “according to the way these stones have been fitted, I would say our little subterranean passageway is a lot older than Twerkistan. And, according to the banner pinned to the wall, it’s bandit country.

Given the likelihood of lurking bandits, I very much wanted to revive my formidable companion. A bit more exploration around the base of her skull turned up three more buttons, the third of which released Tessa from her paralytic state. I had left her headlights on, but as soon as she regained control she turned them off. “Gives me such a headache,” she explained. Fortunately her left pinkie contained an LED that was sufficient to keep us from tripping over anything.

“John went this way,” I said. “I wonder if he’s met any bandits yet.”

We were still wondering that a few minutes later when a large heap of hair came into view. Inspection revealed it was a pile of wigs, and each of the 24 wigs was exactly alike. All the same vibrant green.

I didn’t know what it could mean, and that made me angry at John for leaving me in the lurch, again. “Suddenly,” I said, “I wish to speak to John. Suddenly, I want to touch him. With my fists. A lot.”

Tessa nodded. Something she saw over my shoulder made her freeze, and I thought for a moment John had snuck up and hit that button again. But she spoke softly. “I’m going to turn and run. Count to ten and then chase me.” Before I could get her to clarify, she whirled away and vanished into the blackness. I had no choice but to comply.

My thoughts raced with the possibilities of what she’d spotted and why her instructions had been so unconventional, so I used the activity of counting to quell this storm within my mind. One, I thought. Two…

“Out loud!” came Tessa’s reprimand from the murky distance.

“ThreeFourFiveSixSevenEightNineTen!”

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I Fought to Remain Conscious

  • by jenreferred to by the much cooler moniker
  • dressing provocatively, singing provocative songs
  • helium balloon with a rainbow
  • pulled my hair really hard
  • my vision is clear

Tune in next time part 607      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I fought to remain conscious as John’s airborne sedative worked through my system. As the inventor, he tried to make everyone at the Academy call it “John Juice,” and hated when it was referred to by the much cooler moniker of my own invention: “Sleepytime Spray.” As his lab partner in The Chemistry of Spycraft, I helped John a lot during the testing of his concoction, dressing provocatively, singing provocative songs, and otherwise distracting our fellow students so John could sneak up and thrust a (presumed) helium balloon with a rainbow on the side in their faces, and pop it. Of course, the balloons weren’t filled with helium at all, but with Sleepytime Spray. Once he had the sedation chemistry dialed in, he just had to find a different means of deployment, as everyone in the biz had come to fear balloons with rainbows. Obviously he’d settled on this disgusting saliva trigger.

But what John didn’t know was that I wasn’t Jason. I was Jason’s twin brother, practically a co-inventor of the wretched substance, and over our time developing it, I had cultivated a near-immunity to its effects. All I needed was one good dose of pain and I’d snap out of it. I slowly reached up and pulled my hair really hard.

My vision is clear,” I told the inert Tessa. “In another moment I’ll be able to stand. Blink if you can hear me.”

But she did not blink.

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No One Here Gets Out Alive

It might not be as dire as as the title suggests, but very few of our characters float through our novels unscathed. And now that number is even smaller. A nice enough guy who made it through Book 2 experiencing nothing worse than some hinky interpersonal shenanigans has just found himself drafted into service as a major player in Book 3, where his future looks a lot stickier. Right now we don’t know his ultimate fate, but from what we do know, he’s going to be put through the wringer before he reaches it. Good for our story and those reading it, not so good for him.

Sorry dude, but you knew the hazards when you signed up. You say nobody told you? Hey, not our fault you didn’t ask around. Anyone from any of the other series could have put you wise. Well, half of them are untrustworthy. That’s a fair point.

(All this sass from someone who initially showed up in our notes as “boy-toy.” He should appreciate what a promotion this is.)

Sometimes characters will try to just drift off the page and leave their subplots without a payoff. You’ll want some kind of perimeter alarm system: a laser grid maybe, if it’s a sci-fi setting, or just a little string and some empty cans for lower-tech environments. Now, you don’t necessarily have to catch every last one of them. Not on our account, at least. But you do want them nervous. Right now Boy-Toy is giving us epic stink-eye, but who knows? He might end up doing something really heroic!

A writing partner is someone who will patrol the perimeter with you.

John Made an Embarrassed Little Noise

  • by Kentknees began to buckle
  • most erotic Dennis the Menace
  • shave their taints
  • out of spite
  • I’ve been doing it my whole life and it’s hard to stop.

Tune in next time part 606      Click Here for Earlier Installments

John made an embarrassed little noise and scraped his glove on the stone floor to remove the offending globule. He got to his knees, reaching to Tessa for help the rest of the way up. The sight of him kneeling and her poised over him brought a flutter to my chest and my knees began to buckle. It was either the schmaltziest rom-com poster or the most erotic Dennis the Menace ever published. Why it was hitting me so hard I couldn’t understand, but I slumped back against the wall for support.

“Odorless and quick-acting,” John said as he stood with assistance from Tessa. “And there’s a convenient antidote that can be administered in advance. Those are the pluses. But it’s saliva-activated and, of course, doesn’t work on robots. Those are only pluses under very specialized circumstances.”

Tessa turned to me with a curious expression, and John moved with lightning speed, his finger jabbing the button mounted behind her left ear and freezing her in that quizzical pose.

“Nothing personal,” he said. I tried to lunge at him, but only managed to slide down into a seated position. “This is really for your own good, Jason. You’re not ready to face these people. You’d be found out as a mole inside of an hour, but I can blend in. You see, to them outsiders are the cause of all the world’s ills, and they shave their taints out of spite. It’s just a lucky coincidence that mine’s already shaved. I’ve been doing it my whole life and it’s hard to stop.” He shook his head. “If only your twin brother were here, he’d understand. I could bring him along on this mission. Oh well.”

And with that he loped off into the darkness of the tunnel.

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One Final Shove

  • by jenstop licking your arms
  • the flippin’ nipple
  • My sister ditched me
  • breathless rumor-mongering
  • a sluglike glob of substance

Tune in next time part 605      Click Here for Earlier Installments

One final shove from Tessa sent me through the hole and I landed atop John in a painful heap. So far, no poop, which meant I’d been right about how disused this outhouse was. I scrambled off John and stood with my back against the wall, making room for Tessa. John wasn’t as quick, and in a second Tessa came feet-first through the hole and landed gracefully on top of him, the oil lamp in her hands.

John groaned. I reached down to help him stand and found him nuzzling his own arms. “What the hell, stop licking your arms!” I cried.

John threw me both a withering look and a gesture from our Academy days called the flippin’ nipple. “They hurt,” he complained.

“What are you, a dog? Licking them isn’t going to help.”

“I don’t need this from you,” John said. “My sister ditched me at the auction because of all your breathless rumor-mongering. I had to finish the job by myself.

I wondered which sister he was talking about.

“On your feet,” Tessa said. She reached to help John stand, but recoiled when she saw a sluglike glob of substance on his gloved hand. “That had better be a slug,” she muttered savagely.

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