I Told Fleur Everything
because nobody is willing to deal with it- I stole the shopping bag
- you also have to get naked
- a feature sorely missing in regular marriage
- , so that’s ominous
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I told Fleur everything I knew about the situation, vis-a-vis my semen, and in the telling it was a tale that felt like a mere list of other women I’d had sex with recently. If any of this bothered my wife, she didn’t let it show.
“The ones who seem to almost know what they’re doing are Tessa’s sisters,” I concluded. “Titania, aka the Crystal Clown, in particular seemed very confident.”
“Ugh,” Fleur said, “this kind of conspiracy just spirals out of control because nobody is willing to deal with it. You don’t need to worry, Hubby dear. Your spunk won’t tip the balance of world power. It’s all a big misunderstanding.” She chewed her nail, staring into space. “This all began fifty years ago, when Rinaldo XI stole the shopping bag where Rinaldo X was keeping the ceremonial cufflinks. Who could have predicted that it would lead to you, and your baby batter.”
Isolde said, “The soothsayers should have known. But to survive as a soothsayer you need to know which visions to keep to yourself. And, you also have to get naked out in the snow all the time, so a hardy constitution helps, too. Come to think of it, are any of the soothsayers still surviving?”
No one seemed to know.
“So, you’re telling me there’s nothing to worry about with the mimes and the clowns and who knows who else all fighting over my… output?”
She took too long to answer. So, there was something to it. “The fact that they believe they can weaponize it is potentially destabilizing.”
“Weaponize it?”
“So they think. But it’s just a myth, something borne of rumor and innuendo that’s taken on a life of its own. I mean, your sperm count must be through the roof, it would seem, but otherwise it’s just normal stuff.”
The waiter returned with clothes for me. A red uniform much like the one he wore, only fancier. The jacket had gold epaulets.
“Perfect!” Fleur said. “I was about to make you a general, so now you’ll look the part.”
The ability to confer rank onto her spouse was one of the nicer aspects of our royal marriage, and a feature sorely missing in regular marriage.
“All of the mountain garrisons are now under your command,” she went on. “Well, as soon as you change your clothes. Come now, don’t be shy.”
Harry scowled around a mouthful of cheese while I stripped off the soggy morning suit. But Isolde barely glanced at me, so his jealousy seemed misplaced. The dry clothes felt nice, even if they did make me look more like a bellhop than a military commander.
“Incidentally,” Fleur mumbled, “no one has heard from anyone at the mountain garrisons for several months, so that’s ominous. Don’t worry over that, though. Just don’t let the vying factions form an alliance against Contraria.”
bonus points for using them in order