Category: Stichomancy Prompts

The Silver-Fringed Washcloths

  • by jentiny but sharp
  • “Leave your calling card on the silver tray
  • “I swallowed it,”
  • shrugging his great shoulders
  • we will use the celebrated diagonal method

Tune in next time part 771      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The silver-fringed washcloths in Zeus Pamplemousse’s hands emitted an eerie humming sound. I directed tiny but sharp kicks at Tessa’s ankle in an attempt to break her sock-trance without alerting the loony lunar giant. I tugged on her wrist.

Zeus stood to his full height. Through some rudimentary trick of origami, he folded the two washcloths into a single flat rectangle that he balanced on the fingertips of one hand. It rang like a bell. “Leave your calling card on the silver tray,” he commanded.

Since I don’t live in a regency romance novel, I had no calling card. It was clear that Pamplemousse would never accept that answer though. “I swallowed it,” I lied while tugging Tessa’s wrist again.

Shrugging his great shoulders, the Mad Moon King said, “I can wait.” He cracked his immense knuckles. “I’ve heard of many ways to speed that sort of thing up, but I think that today we will use the celebrated diagonal method.” He reached for me.

I gave up on all subtlety, hoisted Tessa into my arms, and turned to flee.

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Zeus Had Removed His Boots

  • by Kent“Go back in, my sugar bug.”
  • strenuous and dangerous
  • “Fish?”
  • roommate at the university
  • weird washcloths

Tune in next time part 770      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Zeus had removed his boots. The Moon Socks glowed with cold, white light. They were indeed mesmerizing.

“Oh no,” Zeus said playfully. “There’s a piggy poking out!” He waggled the toe, then reached down to stretch the sock out over it. “Go back in, my sugar bug.”

I considered jumping him while he was distracted, but fighting someone so large and unhinged seemed likely to be strenuous and dangerous. I opted instead to try to exploit his distraction another way.

“Hey, Pamplemousse,” I called. “What animals make the best pets on the moon?”

He ruminated for a few seconds. “Fish?”

The answer I had been looking for was mice, on account of cheese somehow, but since he was taking the bait and it was obvious he hadn’t realized it was meant as a riddle I just rolled with his response. “Why do you say that?” I nudged Tessa’s foot with mine to try to get her to look away from the radiant Moon Socks.

“My roommate at the university — and yes, I did almost say moonmate at the lunarversity — had pet fish. I fed them sometimes. I came to think of fish as the ideal pets for anywhere, so of course that would apply on the moon.”

I nodded at Zeus while trying to herd Tessa toward the least candle-filled doorway. Her eyes were still riveted to his feet. The Moon King himself became hypnotized by his own socks. He stared at them while he reached into his boots and pulled out what looked like weird washcloths. I really didn’t want to find out what they were for, but Tessa was moving so slowly I feared it couldn’t be avoided.

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“Speaking of Birds”

  • by jenland one on his chin
  • used only body glitter for makeup
  • “You don’t have to worry about me.”
  • backstory about my socks
  • what will happen if I let myself fall asleep

Tune in next time part 769      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Speaking of birds,” said Zeus Pamplemousse. “Before I can allow any wife of mine to spend time with her manstress, she must train a flock of Moon Owls and land one on his chin.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Tessa and I said in unison. The Moon King’s lunacy was quite remarkable. It reminded me of a teacher at the Academy who used only body glitter for makeup, and used quite a lot of it. He was quite sparkly. Problem being the glitter had a high mercury content, and the teacher went quite mad.

I scoped out the zeppelin’s wedding chapel for escape routes, and found them all blocked by candles. Many, many candles. If we made a break for it, it would be quite dangerous. Tessa saw what I was up to, and the look on her face said, “You don’t have to worry about me.” I squeezed her hand.

“And while she is training the Moon Owls,” Pamplemousse continued, as if we hadn’t interrupted him, “she will have to memorize the entire backstory about my socks — my Moon Socks! — and what makes them so special, and why I can never wash them.”

What will happen if I let myself fall asleep right now? I wondered. Will my dreams be any more bizarre than my reality?

I was ready to run for the exit, but Tessa was distracted, mesmerized by Zeus Pamplemousse’s astonishing Moon Socks.

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“Explain,” I Said

  • by KentI’d already drugged the cat
  • so secret she won’t shut up about them
  • Ramekins, not plates.
  • angle of his eyebrows
  • (or any yellow bird)

Tune in next time part 768      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Explain,” I said.

“Nuptials fall within the scope of Royal Decree,” Tessa said. “And owing to the Diplomatic Reformation of 1528, Lunar royalty in particular can issue such decrees ‘anyplace the moon has been full.’ That provision is really meant to protect the rights of werewolves and other lycanthropes, but… it’s a loophole that applies to this situation.”

“There must be some loopholes for you to exploit as well!”

Tessa shook her head. “I mean, yes, there would be if he hadn’t closed them all. I had been counting on using the Newmar Exemption.”

“But I’d already drugged the cat,” Pamplemousse said smugly. “Oh yes, I am well versed in all the secret legal trapdoors, so secret she won’t shut up about them in her sleep.”

“What?!” I roared.

“He planted listening devices,” Tessa said reassuringly. “There was one behind each of the commemorative plates on my headboard.”

Pamplemousse frowned. “Ramekins, not plates.” This felt like a picayune detail to create so much intensity in the angle of his eyebrows.

“So anyway,” Tessa said with a sigh, “I’m his wife now. But that doesn’t mean I have to go and live with him or anything. It’s just a technicality. I’m as free as a canary (or any yellow bird).”

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“We’re Not on the Moon”

  • by jenon the etiquette scale
  • old pal from his carny days
  • , think again.
  • write it in the sky
  • deep and abiding love

Tune in next time part 767      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“We’re not on the moon,” I said. “So all this talk of Lunar Law and Lunar customs is irrelevant.” I took Tessa’s hand. “Come on. We don’t have to play along with him.”

Pamplemousse spluttered about how rude I was. According to him I ranked even lower on the etiquette scale than Greasepaint Gus, an old pal from his carny days.

I replied, “If you think I care at all about the Annual Lunar Etiquette Olympics, think again.”

Tessa wiped the frosting off her face with Pamplemousse’s velvet cape and added, “And if you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have the General here order this zeppelin to do some fancy maneuvers and write it in the sky for all to see that the Moon King used to be a carny.”

I beamed at her. Is it any wonder why I have a deep and abiding love for this woman?

Zeus Pamplemousse chuckled darkly. “Under Lunar Law, skywriting gossip is considered an act of war.”

“You can’t just declare something against Lunar Law whenever you’re feeling shirty,” I complained. “The same way you can’t just declare someone your wife.”

“Well, actually,” Tessa said. “He can do that second thing.”

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“And, Also Under Lunar Law”

  • by Kentthe mouthfeel is different
  • didn’t specify whether I wanted the inside or the outside of the cake
  • not even real words
  • wiped them, and put them on again
  • looked me straight in the eye and said, “No.”

Tune in next time part 766      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“And, also under Lunar law,” Zeus Pamplemousse went on, “we must perform the confectionery ceremony.” He must have planned all of this well in advance, because otherwise on top of all the other weird things about him he was turning out to be a dude who goes around with a wedding cake in one of his velvet cloak’s inner pockets.

“You had a wedding cake this whole time?” I blurted.

He shook his head. “This is moon pie. It resembles wedding cake in many ways, but the mouthfeel is different. Not that that’s important to the ceremony.” And with that, he grabbed a handful of moon pie and smushed it in Tessa’s face. “Your turn,” he said blandly.

Tessa snatched up her own handful of pastry. Quick as she was, by the time she got it to his face he’d donned a set of goggles. He chuckled, licking icing off his own face. “That didn’t count, because I didn’t specify whether I wanted the inside or the outside of the cake to touch my skin.”

“You never said anything about that,” Tessa complained. “I didn’t specify either.”

“In Lunar society, only the groom can declare such a preference.”

Tessa seized more moon pie in both fists and pummeled Pamplemousse while grunting savagely. Her feelings on this matter came through even though the sounds were not even real words. When she stopped, Pamplemousse removed the goggles, wiped them, and put them on again.

“Alright,” I interjected, “the confectionery ceremony is a done deal. Can we go now?”

Zeus Pamplemousse looked me straight in the eye and said, “No.”

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For Years

  • by jengrowing list of weird things I’ve eaten
  • destroyed by a volcanic eruption
  • this polka-dotted nightmare
  • bizarre behavior of the Appletree sisters
  • putting his thumb in the palm of her hand

Tune in next time part 765      Click Here for Earlier Installments

For years I kept a growing list of weird things I’ve eaten. The look on Tessa’s face told me she’d rather eat all of them mixed together in casserole form than continue kissing Zeus Pamplemousse, and yet she soldiered on for the full five minutes. I wish I still had my list so that I could update it, but sadly it was destroyed by a volcanic eruption (along with the rest of my apartment) while I was on a mission. Some say it was deliberate sabotage.

To my surprise, Zeus Pamplemousse removed his mouth from Tessa as soon as the five minutes had elapsed. Her neck and shoulders were speckled with hickies. I longed to save her from this polka-dotted nightmare, but her eyes told me she found the whole thing amusing. I will never understand the bizarre behavior of the Appletree sisters. Tessa, Tesla, Titania, Tatiana, Talulah, and the rest all seemed to thrive on drama, to relish it, to court it at every turn.

“We should go,” I said.

“The Moon King is a man of his word,” Pamplemousse said, unfurling his great velvet cape to release Tessa. And then, putting his thumb in the palm of her hand, he said, “Remember, under Lunar law we are married now.”

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Seeing This Hulking Madman

  • by Kentkiss me as much as he wants
  • farcical aquatic ceremony
  • most of his bones, but not all
  • eat nachos in front of strangers
  • like something out of a horror movie

Tune in next time part 764      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Seeing this hulking madman clutch Tessa’s head while he ranted about hissing lunar apparitions was like something out of a horror movie. I wanted to incapacitate him, bludgeon him, make him eat nachos in front of strangers, and then break most of his bones, but not all of them. But I was in no position to take action as long as he held my beloved’s skull in those enormous mitts.

“I said the word,” I asserted. “You know I did. Now let her go.”

Pamplemousse squinted at me. “You said a word, but was it the word? To me you just sounded like an inner tube that sprang a leak during a farcical aquatic ceremony and sank one of the participants.”

“I thought I sounded like I was in league with the blurry banshees.”

“So you admit it!” he crowed.

“No, you buffoon!” I paused to take a breath before I said anything that would anger him. “If we’re done conferring you can release the lady’s ears.”

Zeus Pamplemousse glanced at Tessa as if he’d forgotten she was there. He let go of her head. He mumbled something and she nodded. He leaned in and they kissed.

“Hey!” I cried.

“Don’t (mmph!) worry! (mwah!)” Tessa said, turning her gaze my way. “I told him he can kiss me as much as he wants for five minutes and we’ll just forget about the whole ‘say the word’ business.”

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Zeus Pamplemousse Clamped his Meaty Hands

  • by jenknown as the paranormal badboys
  • with the light of the moon and the stars
  • at least five members
  • also known as a “blurb”
  • Neptune and I

Tune in next time part 763      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Zeus Pamplemousse clamped his meaty hands over Tessa’s delicate ears and said, “You and your twin are, in certain circles, known as the paranormal badboys of your family.”

This was news to me, but I nodded. I would play along to get him to release my beloved.

“It is very eerie at my Moon Palace,” the mad Moon King continued. “With the light of the moon and stars as the only illumination, the mind plays tricks.”

I bit my tongue to hold back my questions about how much moonlight was actually visible on the surface of the moon.

“Or are they tricks?” His bloodshot eyes were wide and intense. “I and at least five members of my retinue have seen a blurry banshee (also known as a “blurb” amongst the youths), creeping through the corridors. My brother Neptune and I have both heard the blurb hissing, much like you did moments ago. Tell me, oh paranormal badboy, are you a blurry banshee, or merely in league with them?”

All I could think was, “Banshees don’t hiss, dumbass.” But I couldn’t say that to Zeus Pamplemousse, not when he held Tessa’s beautiful head in his mighty grip.

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“Say The Word Now!”

  • by Kent“Ssssynergy!”
  • downright strange yet glamorous outfits
  • live happily in a cheese factory
  • the relatively large size of his feet
  • Madam, I think we

Tune in next time part 762      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Say the word now!” Zeus Pamplemousse roared. “I gave you three guesses, so the next thing that comes out of your mouth will use the first one.”

This was bad, but he had left me no way to reason with him about it. I shut my eyes and tried to blank my mind, leaving a void where the thing I needed most — the word that this moon-maniac was demanding — would have space to pop up. I drew a deep breath and exclaimed:

“Ssssynergy!”

I hadn’t known what I was going to say, but it sounded right. It was just the sort of empty buzzword that would mean a great deal to someone like Zeus, whose parliament consisted of automata garbed in downright strange yet glamorous outfits, who used to live happily in a cheese factory because he thought it was where the secret world government had hidden its headquarters. He probably thought it was where the raw material for the moon itself was manufactured. The most charitable thing I’d ever heard said of him was that he was a competent dancer, which was especially notable given the relatively large size of his feet. There was every chance he didn’t actually have a specific word in mind.

Zeus Pamplemousse turned back to Tessa and said softly, “Madam, I think we need a moment to confer.”

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