Tagged: tune in next time

If I had a Nickel

  • by jenhighly flammable-looking outfits
  • had a cousin reach out to me with a similar offer about some family secrets
  • Do you deny this?
  • honors bestowed upon me by three republics
  • jelly-like substance

Tune in next time part 753      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If I had a nickel for every time my happiness was derailed by villains in highly flammable-looking outfits, I would be a rich man. Zeus Pamplemousse thought he was so special in his cape of moon-velvet. He thought he could kidnap Tessa and blackmail her by threatening the life of her therapist? Not on my watch! I had a cousin reach out to me with a similar “offer” about some family secrets once upon a time, emphasis on “had.” I know how to deal with blackmailers. That particular cousin won’t be spilling any family secrets after all, if you catch my meaning. I leapt across the bed to fetch my uniform trousers. Nudists streaking through the corridors were not unheard of on Contrarian airships, but I am a general and have to project an aura of authority. It’s possible to do that naked, but it takes an awful lot of glaring and I was exhausted.

Fleur waddled out of the bathroom, a soggy infant on each hip. “Who am I braver than?”

“What?” I struggled with my zipper.

“I heard you tell someone quite emphatically that I am braver than they are. Do you deny this?”

“Of course not. I have had honors bestowed upon me by three republics, and I have the medals to prove it. I deny nothing.”

“So who am I braver than?” She was much more coherent than she’d been in the tub.

“Zeus Pamplemousse,” I muttered and headed for the door, shirt in hand.

“Zeus Pamplemousse is here?” Fleur’s face drained of color and her complexion resembled a jelly-like substance. Before she could faint, I snatched the babies from her arms. “I was so sure I’d never see him again after what happened last time.”

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Fleur Landed In A Heap

  • by Kentjewel-encrusted skeletons
  • ominous uranium chandelier
  • comfortable in her sequined caftan.
  • with his feet in her face
  • pyramid of liquor bottles

Tune in next time part 754      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur landed in a heap at my feet. I set the infants down next to her and patted her cheeks. “What was it?” I asked. “What happened with Zeus Pamplemousse?” I knew the man had to have some jewel-encrusted skeletons in his closet. And probably an ominous uranium chandelier in his dining room. I wanted ammunition, and it sounded like Fleur could supply it, if only I could wait around until she snapped out of this swoon.

The babies began crying. I definitely didn’t have time to soothe them, to settle the boy with his favorite live feed of the action at the dog track, and make the girl comfortable in her sequined caftan. All I could spare time for was repositioning them with his feet in her face and her elbows on his kneecaps. It wouldn’t keep them quiet for long, but that would be Fleur’s problem until Isolde returned.

I sprinted down the corridor, pulling on my shirt as I ran, which was why I didn’t notice the pyramid of liquor bottles until it was too late.

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From the Way the Liquor Bottles were Arranged

  • by jenI’ve never managed a gas station, but
  • create an extraordinary hybrid
  • a little squiggle, like a flourish
  • “My brain is huge.”
  • holding our hearts together

Tune in next time part 755      Click Here for Earlier Installments

From the way the liquor bottles were arranged (before I hurtled into them), I knew they’d been stacked by Jason. I’ve never managed a gas station, but my twin has, and he was very proud of the window displays he built from elaborate pyramids of various car maintenance fluids. Windshield washer fluid and STP should never be mixed, but in the hands of my brother, their bottles create an extraordinary hybrid architectural monument to the internal combustion engine, and these flasks of artisanal tequila and jugs of cheap vodka melded into a similar celebration of raw beauty. As I careened through them I felt in my chest a little squiggle, like a flourish of guilt at the destruction of such a glorious construct. I also felt a throbbing in my ears from the outrageous noise of all those bottles ricocheting around the airship’s corridor. Somehow, though, my cacophony had not alerted Zeus Pamplemousse to my approach. From around the corner I heard him say, “My brain is huge.” The way his voice resonated, I knew he was entering the chapel where my mother had so recently wed John. I ran faster, determined to interrupt whatever foul ceremony the Moon King had planned with my darling Tessa. I burst through the doors to see Zeus Pamplemousse standing at the altar with Tessa struggling in his arms. She was still bundled inside his black cape of highly flammable moon velvet. There were so many candles in the room, I was terrified. Zeus Pamplemousse said, “And thus, holding our hearts together like so…” He pulled Tessa against his barrel chest. “Through my powers as King of the Moon, I pronounce us married. Say the word, Tessa! Say the word! You are my wife and I command it!”

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If Zeus Knew Tessa

  • by Kenttying it up in a knot
  • the already beyond-capacity temple
  • interrupted mid-coitus by another guest
  • an unofficial or unspoken understanding about extramarital affairs
  • dreamed up by robots

Tune in next time part 756      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If Zeus knew Tessa the way I did, he would have realized that he couldn’t have made her less likely to say his precious word by grabbing her tongue and tying it up in a knot. My biggest fear was that he might think the key to success would involve adding yet more candles to the already beyond-capacity temple.

“Pamplemousse!” I yelled. When he looked in my direction, he wore the kind of peevish expression I would expect from someone at an orgy who’d been interrupted mid-coitus by another guest asking if the club validates parking. I smirked right back at him. “I assume you and Blanchisseuse have an unofficial or unspoken understanding about extramarital affairs, but trust me when I tell you that such agreements don’t hold up well when it comes to bigamy.”

“You’re so deluded,” he snarled at me, “with your quaint notions of romantic love…” He turned and pressed his own massive face right into Tessa’s. “Notions dreamed up by robots.”

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“If You Don’t Want to Live by the Dictates of Robots”

  • by jenthe white fish of the Kentucky caves, for instance
  • Grandma was even worse
  • texture is almost mousse-like
  • To say that I don’t understand much of modern art
  • is like baking a cake without a pan

Tune in next time part 757      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“If you don’t want to live by the dictates of robots, Zeus Pamplemousse,” I asked, “why did you appoint them to all the posts in the lunar government?”

“Because they don’t need oxygen, obviously,” he sneered. “There is no oxygen in my Moon Kingdom, as you would know if you had more brains than, say, the white fish of the Kentucky caves, for instance.”

My grandfather was very rude. Grandma was even worse. But neither of them held a candle to the arrogance of this man, this self-appointed Moon King who held my beloved Tessa hostage to his whims.

“Have you even been to the moon?” I asked.

“Of course! I personally placed all the robots in Parliamoont Hall. Mother Moon is a beautiful place, with immense gray expanses. The texture is almost mousse-like underfoot.”

To say that I don’t understand much about modern art is like baking a cake without a pan – completely incorrect. I understand a lot about modern art, and I was sure that arranging for a crowd of robots to argue about politics on the surface of the moon was the most audacious art installation of the modern era. Not that that would help me pry Tessa out the moon maniac’s arms.

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Zeus Pamplemousse Shook Tessa

  • by Kenthad heard rumors, though
  • a sea of dancing women
  • I could tell by his eyes
  • deep thoughts about Pink Floyd
  • eccentric local celebrity

Tune in next time part 758      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Zeus Pamplemousse shook Tessa and demanded again that she say the word.

“I’ll say it,” I said. “Just unwrap her and let her go, and I’ll say any word you want to hear.”

“If I tell you what to say, it takes all the fun out of it,” Pamplemousse grumbled. “I’ll give you three guesses.”

I didn’t know exactly what word he was waiting for. I had heard rumors, though, about troubles with his robotic legislature. There were also rumors that he was looking for an artist to paint him swimming in a sea of dancing women, and I could tell by his eyes that those rumors were all equally likely to be true. For all I knew, his fixation on some word arose out of too many too-deep thoughts about Pink Floyd.

Hopefully, I could trick him into giving me a hint. “Funny how the word rhymes with the name of an eccentric local celebrity. You know the one with the… oh, the thing. You know!”

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Zeus Pamplemousse Snickered

Neither of us is super into the holidays, but there are some traditions we enjoy. Chief among them is our annual display of stichomaniacal festivity. Instead of using our snazzy writing prompt generator (like we do every week), at this time of year we choose a seasonally appropriate source for our prompt phrases. In the past we’ve drawn quotes from our favorite holiday movies and lyrics from carols. This year we found a nigh-inexhaustible list of Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas movies and pulled some amusing snippets from the synopses. It’s fun to imagine all of these crammed into one mega-movie. As always, Jen goes first. She’ll write until she incorporates the first prompt phrase, then turn the keyboard over to Kent. We’ll trade back and forth until we’re done. Wish us luck!

  • rambunctious corgi in need of some serious training
  • brilliant, competitive crossword puzzle-solving biology teacher
  • misunderstood grouch just may steal her heart
  • Mother’s former candle-making cottage
  • butting heads over more than just architecture
  • annual Christmas Eve courtroom production
  • quit her job as a rocket engineer
  • undercover as the royal nanny
  • create a tuxedo for one of the city’s most eligible bachelors
  • single and ready to jingle

 

Tune in next time part 759 & 760      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Zeus Pamplemousse snickered. “The only celebrities in Moonopolis are robots, of course. The most famous amongst all the bots is a rambunctious corgi in need of some serious training, and we all know the word I want to hear doesn’t rhyme with K-9. You fool.”

Were I the star of a 1970s-era show about a brilliant, competitive crossword puzzle-solving biology teacher who foils criminals on weekends, the writers would have supplied me with the perfect line in response. But I was on my own. And I was freaking out, my mind spinning worst-case-scenarios about Tessa and Zeus. He’s a king and I am merely a general. If I fail to say the word, the misunderstood grouch just may steal her heart! I’d end up like all the former ambassadors and attaches living now in exile in Mother’s former candle-making cottage. No! That was not how this would end. I drew in a deep breath. “Zeus,” I began, keeping my eye on Tessa in hopes she would signal me if I got close to the correct word. “I know full well that the word does not rhyme with K-9, just as you know full well that I know full well it does not. This is no trifling matter. You and I are butting heads over more than just architecture, we are matching wits over the heart of the most magnificent woman in the world.”

Tessa’s eyes sparkled at my compliment, and she fluttered her lashes. For a moment it seemed like she was blinking in Morse code, but no Academy alumna would ever resort to such a basic scheme. Unless she knew that Zeus didn’t know Morse code, being too busy with lunar affairs of state like the annual Christmas Eve courtroom production of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer to ever bother learning it. If it was Morse code, then the first letter was a D, followed by O, N…

T, F, O, R. G, E, T… the letters were coming quickly now… T,O, D, R, I, N, K…

Tessa always was a jokester. In fact she quit her job as a rocket engineer to concentrate on her standup routine wherein she does all her bits in character as a spy who went undercover as the royal nanny but was found out because she pilfered all of the linens in the castle to create a tuxedo for one of the city’s most eligible bachelors, which wasn’t part of her nanny duties.

In any case, she was clearly not going to help me help her out of her current peccadillo. Did she want to join the harem of the Moon King? Had she tired of being single and ready to jingle?

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“I Was Not Talking About the Corgi Robot”

  • by jenwith a giant candy cane
  • made entirely of mirrors and ice
  • down around her ankles
  • ice cream overflows onto the floor
  • all the shaving cream was gone

Tune in next time part 761      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I was not talking about the corgi robot,” I said, hoping to distract Pamplemousse long enough that Tessa could wriggle free. There was no way she would want to wear the Moon harem uniform: red fishnet stockings and shoes with a giant candy cane striped heel, and a ribbon in her hair. There was no way she would want to live in a Moon palace made entirely of mirrors and ice. Pamplemousse’s Moonbots were so small they would be down around her ankles when she wore the candy cane shoes, and in danger of drowning when the ice cream overflows onto the floor of the cafeteria when someone forgets to turn off the soft-serve machine. Things like that happen all the time at his Moon Palace, which is why he doesn’t live there. Just last week the Lunar Gazette had a headline about someone leaving a tap open in the barbershop and how all the shaving cream was gone. Imagine a moon palace with no shaving cream! I had no doubt Tessa would never choose to live in such a hellhole. “I was not talking about the corgi robot at all.”

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“Say The Word Now!”

  • by Kent“Ssssynergy!”
  • downright strange yet glamorous outfits
  • live happily in a cheese factory
  • the relatively large size of his feet
  • Madam, I think we

Tune in next time part 762      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Say the word now!” Zeus Pamplemousse roared. “I gave you three guesses, so the next thing that comes out of your mouth will use the first one.”

This was bad, but he had left me no way to reason with him about it. I shut my eyes and tried to blank my mind, leaving a void where the thing I needed most — the word that this moon-maniac was demanding — would have space to pop up. I drew a deep breath and exclaimed:

“Ssssynergy!”

I hadn’t known what I was going to say, but it sounded right. It was just the sort of empty buzzword that would mean a great deal to someone like Zeus, whose parliament consisted of automata garbed in downright strange yet glamorous outfits, who used to live happily in a cheese factory because he thought it was where the secret world government had hidden its headquarters. He probably thought it was where the raw material for the moon itself was manufactured. The most charitable thing I’d ever heard said of him was that he was a competent dancer, which was especially notable given the relatively large size of his feet. There was every chance he didn’t actually have a specific word in mind.

Zeus Pamplemousse turned back to Tessa and said softly, “Madam, I think we need a moment to confer.”

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Zeus Pamplemousse Clamped his Meaty Hands

  • by jenknown as the paranormal badboys
  • with the light of the moon and the stars
  • at least five members
  • also known as a “blurb”
  • Neptune and I

Tune in next time part 763      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Zeus Pamplemousse clamped his meaty hands over Tessa’s delicate ears and said, “You and your twin are, in certain circles, known as the paranormal badboys of your family.”

This was news to me, but I nodded. I would play along to get him to release my beloved.

“It is very eerie at my Moon Palace,” the mad Moon King continued. “With the light of the moon and stars as the only illumination, the mind plays tricks.”

I bit my tongue to hold back my questions about how much moonlight was actually visible on the surface of the moon.

“Or are they tricks?” His bloodshot eyes were wide and intense. “I and at least five members of my retinue have seen a blurry banshee (also known as a “blurb” amongst the youths), creeping through the corridors. My brother Neptune and I have both heard the blurb hissing, much like you did moments ago. Tell me, oh paranormal badboy, are you a blurry banshee, or merely in league with them?”

All I could think was, “Banshees don’t hiss, dumbass.” But I couldn’t say that to Zeus Pamplemousse, not when he held Tessa’s beautiful head in his mighty grip.

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