Tagged: tune in next time

“I Have To Say”

  • by KentA lamp in the fashion of a silver dove
  • grunty, sweaty practice sessions in front of the mirror
  • gotten even bigger — bigger!
  • the color of duck l’orange
  • “Ziz-zy, zuz-zy, zik!”

Tune in next time part 672      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I have to say,” said Fleur, “your antics of late have tried even my patience. Here, put this on.” She passed me a garment bag, inside which I found a Contrarian military uniform of some kind. It was much fancier than my previous one, though. It had spiked epaulets, and fringed boots. A lamp in the fashion of a silver dove dangled from a rod in the brim of the hat. As I found my way into it, Fleur explained that I had been nominated in absentia to lead the stand-up comedy branch of her country’s armed forces.

Weapons-grade wisecracks called for extreme conditioning, and I groaned at the thought of endless grunty, sweaty practice sessions in front of the mirror. Soon darkness bathed the limo, and I thought we had entered a tunnel. But it was just the shadow of the royal zeppelin, which somehow had gotten even bigger — bigger! The tail section was painted the color of duck l’orange, with the Contrarian coat of arms plastered over it.

Fleur spoke into a walkie talkie. “Ziz-zy, zuz-zy, zik!” At this code phrase, a platform was lowered from the belly of the zeppelin. The limo drove onto it, and it reeled us in.

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Weaponized Humor is Nothing to Laugh At

  • by jenwhat they called “The Toboggan Club”
  • the yeti cost you your leg
  • even her closest friends didn’t know
  • by all the females congregated therein
  • noisy sucking

Tune in next time part 673      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Weaponized humor is nothing to laugh at. “Two Peanuts Walking Down the Straße” had been banned by the Helsinki Convention after Svenborgia used it to devastating effect in their skirmishes with the Pirate-Ninja Alliance. And now I was in charge of Contraria’s humor divisions. It was a heavy burden. I looked forward to my promised shower as a place to clear my mind, even though zeppelin plumbing is well-known for the noisy sucking sounds it makes.

On the way to our royal suite, Fleur took me to see our children. My excitement upon entering the nursery was dampened by the leering looks thrown at me by all the females congregated therein. They were all women who had borne me children, and it was quite alarming to see them all in one place. Isolde was there, surrounded by the squadron of babies she’d delivered at Enigma Fortress. Fleur told me that even her closest friends didn’t know for sure how many there were.

YoYo was there, too, the Yodeler from the Mountain Garrison who swore up and down she didn’t believe in twins. I wondered how she’d coped when she delivered the pair in her lap, but before I could ask I noticed that she now only had one leg. When the children were conceived she’d definitely had two.

She saw where I was looking and said, “Yeti attack.”

“The yeti cost you your leg?” That seemed highly unlikely since the “yetis” of the Paradoxica Region were just people in yeti costumes.

There were other women, too. Too many to take in. Fleur told me they were all members of what they called ‘The Toboggan Club”.

“Get it?” my wife asked. “Toboggan. Because they all took a ride.”

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Being In That Room

  • by Kentwore better clothes than I
  • philandering with Vera
  • too late for lemonade, too early for whiskey
  • briny blue expanse
  • most terrifying place on Earth

Tune in next time part 674      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Being in that room with the Toboggan Club inspired many feelings. Conceited pride was in there, I must confess, but also a measure of chagrin at my own promiscuity. Also swirling in my heart were the emotions attached to each of the women themselves, which varied from wistfulness to affection to abject terror. And under all of it there was some anxiety about whether the vessel could remain aloft under the combined weight of all my baby-mamas. And all the babies!

Considering how many sources of pee, poop, and spit-up were present, the women wore better clothes than I would have chosen. Fancier ones, anyway. Someone I didn’t recognize cruised past, eyeing me malevolently over the curly hair of the toddler on her hip. Fleur caught my baffled look, and it made her laugh. “You don’t even remember philandering with Vera, do you?”

I looked at the woman again, and shook my head. “Are you sure all these ladies are on the level? Because I think I would recall Vera.”

The zeppelin began to move, and Fleur recited, “When it’s too late for lemonade, too early for whiskey, then it’s time to fly home.” She shrugged. “It rhymes in the original Contrarian dialect.”

I looked out the windows at the briny blue expanse beneath the airship. Had she just said “fly home”? If it was home to her, then to me it was the most terrifying place on Earth.

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The Airship was Traveling at a Furious Rate

  • by jenplease tell me why and how I’m wrong
  • tried to explain lizards
  • “Be cool my babies.”
  • using a demented baby voice
  • traveling at a furious rate

Tune in next time part 675      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The airship was traveling at a furious rate — furious for an airship anyway — taking me to the one place I most did not want to go. The children sensed my fear and all began to fuss. Acting quickly, before I was drowned out by a wave of caterwauling infants, I spoke loudly. Using a demented baby voice that never fails to get attention I said, “Be cool my babies.” And in the ensuing pause I tried to explain lizards to them. I don’t know why. It was just the first thing that popped into my head. When using the demented baby voice, tone matters much more than content. It might not be the best parenting technique in the world, and if you disagree with my methods please tell me why and how I’m wrong. But only if you have experience keeping a zeppelin full of infants happy and quiet.

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My Advice

  • by Kentzooming off into the sky
  • “Dreadful — dreadful!” said Jingle, looking very grave.
  • and while they smell terrible
  • the third sign was unmistakable
  • apparent vigor of her husband’s sperm

Tune in next time part 676      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My advice to anyone hoping to escape a chain of islands would be to make sure the zeppelin isn’t stuffed with crying babies before zooming off into the sky, and also to verify where it is exactly that you’re escaping to. Fleur had disappeared into the chaos of the Toboggan Club’s members and those members’ many babies. My attempt to calm them by informing them about reptiles was meeting limited success.

Another unfamiliar face approached carrying an infant. I refused to believe that I would forget so many women with whom I’d had children.

“I hope this doesn’t offend you,” I said. “But, what’s your name?”

She smirked. “My name is Jingle,” she hollered over the din. “And don’t worry, we’ve never met. I’m a nanny.”

“Thank goodness,” I yelled back. “Can you point me to the bridge? I really need to get off this thing before it returns to Contraria.”

“Dreadful — dreadful!” said Jingle, looking very grave. “I myself wouldn’t be going there if I weren’t so devoted to the children. I’ve learned to pick up on the signs that they’re fond of me also. The first two signs are of course smiling and clapping, and while they smell terrible I found the third sign was unmistakable — why, it’s how they show their utter dependence on me.”

Sensing I’d get no help here, I turned to seek a passageway that might lead to the vessel’s controls. What I found instead was the last person I expected to see, saying the last thing I expected to hear, although I should have learned by now not to be surprised.

“Makes you wonder what kind of wife would compile such a tribute to the apparent vigor of her husband’s sperm.”

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“Is It Really You?”

  • by jencourtyards and catacombs
  • mesmerizingly sexy
  • “Bingo.”
  • “I wouldn’t dream of mocking you.”
  • and a throbbing hunger

Tune in next time part 677      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Is it really you?” I asked. The coy nod I received in reply didn’t entirely convince me. Perhaps it was, perhaps it wasn’t. The only way to be sure was to follow when they darted away.

My quarry led me on a merry chase through the many courtyards and catacombs of the Contrarian Royal Airship. I find this sort of cat-and-mouse game mesmerizingly sexy, and was almost disappointed when I cornered them in an alcove between the sauna and the petting zoo.

“Bingo.” I don’t know why I said it.

My embarrassment must have shown on my face because my cornered prey said, “I wouldn’t dream of mocking you.” And then I felt hot breath on my ear and someone behind me whispered something that left me with more questions than answers, and a throbbing hunger. But not for food.

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The Person In Front of Me

  • by Kentour love is so intense, it’s insane
  • They even had to rewrite the jingle.
  • Oddly enough,
  • dissolves on the tongue
  • couches can be cleaned. Reputations are harder.

Tune in next time part 678      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The person in front of me and the person behind me both let out throaty, sensuous chuckles. In unison, they said, “The intensity of our love is so intense, it’s insanely insane.” I shivered. Then I remembered when I’d seen these sisters last, and I shuddered.

Pulling myself together, I asked, “Does Gordon know you’re here?”

Cleopatra shook her head. “He’s not my problem anymore. Now he’s in cryptocurrency commercials. They wanted to cast a pelican, but Gordon just had that goose x-factor. They even had to rewrite the jingle.”

“What are you doing here?” I could imagine many scenarios where they’d pose a threat to this airship, which was full of my offspring.

“Rescuing you, dipshit,” Esmerelda said. “Or did you want to go where your wife is taking you?”

“Oddly enough, I do not. But I also don’t trust you two.”

Esmerelda wrapped her arms around me, while Cleopatra stroked my cheek. Cleo said, “Where I come from, we have a saying for times like this. Always remember that life begins at 40, psilocybin dissolves on the tongue, and couches can be cleaned. Reputations are harder.”

“This alcove has no couches,” I said.

“There’s one at the petting zoo,” whispered Esmerelda.

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I Narrowed My Eyes

  • by jenyours just happens to be immediately visible
  • we watched professional bowling
  • the bakers are in revolt
  • I’ve never been shushed by anyone other than my family
  • played German dodgeball

Tune in next time part 679      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I narrowed my eyes. “Everyone has ulterior motives, yours just happens to be immediately visible.” In truth I was sure only that there was an ulterior motive. The nature of it was anyone’s guess.

The sisters sighed in unison and stepped away from me. “He’s no fun,” they said to each other.

“If it’s fun you want, track down my dad. You seemed to have a good time with him.”

“With Jack?” asked Esmerelda. “We watched professional bowling, that’s all.”

“That wasn’t all,” I said. “I was there. I saw.”

“Don’t forget,” said Cleopatra, “we also talked about the dreadful state of the pastries. Esmerelda, you said, ‘It’s like the bakers are in revolt!’ and Jack said, ‘Actually the bakers are revolting.’ Remember how we laughed? That must be what he’s talking about.”

“I’m talking about how you were all naked and climbing all over each–”

“Shh!” both sisters hissed.

I’ve never been shushed by anyone other than my family. It startled me. If you’d ever been shushed by my family you’d know that it felt like you played German dodgeball for an hour. The precision and fury of their shushes was brutal and relentless, and often left bruises. But the shushes of these sisters were so different, so gentle. It was like a lover’s caress.

Which made it the perfect distraction. Why would they so vehemently deny their dalliance with my father when there was no one around to overhear?

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I Stepped Out From Between

  • by Kentcan’t play water polo like everybody else
  • Thank god for vinyl upholstery.
  • creepy carnival music
  • a plaster model of the Eiffel Tower
  • I’ve got the waders on

Tune in next time part 680      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I stepped out from between the sisters so I could keep an eye on them both. “Look, you’re not getting me onto that couch, not even getting me into the petting zoo, until you tell me what you want.” I left “and probably not even then” unsaid.

Cleopatra tsked. “Jack lamented that his son can’t play water polo like everybody else. That you have to be the big-time spy.”

Esmerelda said, “Oh, that makes more sense now. I thought he meant that his son rode a horse into the pool.”

I didn’t think my father even knew about that incident, but maybe not all of my nosy spy genes had come from Mother.

“This is a very important matter,” Cleopatra said. “And if you join us on that couch we promise we’ll explain the whole thing.” Esmerelda nodded.

Promises from these two were probably worthless, but they looked sincere. I let them lead me through the turnstile and past the ducklings to the strangest sofa I’d ever seen.

Esmerelda said, “It’s a challenge to find suitable furniture for what is basically a preschool barnyard. Thank god for vinyl upholstery.”

The sofa was indeed covered in vinyl — old LPs and 45s overlapping like fish scales. The records were all creepy carnival music, and they’d been heat-treated to warp them into shape. A turntable rested in the shelf halfway up a plaster model of the Eiffel Tower, waiting for someone to pull apart the seat cushions.

It was a surprisingly comfortable couch.

“Okay,” began Cleopatra. “Here’s the situation…”

She stopped speaking because we suddenly were not alone. The entire brood and all their mothers were trooping into the petting zoo. The infants seemed to recognize the place, from the way they looked all around and reached their chubby arms toward the animals. I heard Isolde’s voice saying, “I can be in charge of the goat pit today. I’ve got the waders on already.”

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So Far Nobody had Noticed the Three of Us on the Sofa

  • by jenmesmerizing fiddle music
  • he moved in a kind of circle
  • graced by his peacocking presence
  • upgrade your underwear
  • But who had licked them?

Tune in next time part 681      Click Here for Earlier Installments

So far nobody had noticed the three of us on the sofa, which was surprising given the garishness of my new uniform. But my sartorial crimes paled in comparison to those of the individual who strutted in behind the children, dressed in a blue panda costume. The panda went to the record player and managed, even with his big furry paws, to turn it on. From speakers all around the petting zoo came mesmerizing fiddle music, the sort often played at haunted carnivals. The panda clapped his paws four times to the beat while he moved in a kind of circle around the lambs. I knew immediately who was inside the costume. He’d been wearing one not unlike it on a blimp not unlike this one in the not-too-distant past. Plus, I’d recognize that dancing anywhere.

“It’s Jim!” Esmerelda whispered frantically.

That was the conclusion I’d come to, too. Jim. Her husband, my brother. The way he moved showed that he expected us all to feel graced by his peacocking presence.

Esmerelda tried to climb over the back of the sofa to hide, but Cleopatra stopped her. “It’s time to upgrade your underwear to big girl panties and talk to him.”

Panda Jim was still dancing his shamanic dance with the livestock. From the tilt of his head I thought perhaps he was eavesdropping on us.

Suddenly I noticed that my fingers were wet. I was so intent on reading my brother’s body language that I didn’t notice how it happened, but they were certainly wet, and it was certainly saliva that made them so. But who had licked them? One of the Svenborgian Underduchesses? One of my children? One of the animals? Or something worse?

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