Tagged: tune in next time

The List of Things You Must Learn

  • by Kenta man that knows the secrets of a persimmon
  • “This is extreme right here.”
  • the sun, the surf, the primal fiery beauty
  • normal human body
  • I left my brothers there

Tune in next time part 268                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

The list of things you must learn if you want to succeed in a life of espionage is very long, and many of them are various ways of passing information. The pianist’s code, for example. But even more important is the skill of distinguishing the true message from the ruse, which was what the pianist’s code turned out to be this time.

The tart undercurrent of Tesla’s kiss conveyed a hidden meaning, one I might have overlooked if I weren’t a man that knows the secrets of a persimmon. Tesla whispered, “This is extreme right here.” It was unmistakably a signal phrase, and she was waiting for the countersign. Taking the persimmon-tinged mime lipstick out of the equation, the obvious correct response would be, “Because of the sun, the surf, the primal fiery beauty of the volcanoes.” But Tesla didn’t want to hear that. She was listening for me to confirm that I caught that additional flavorful signal, so I had to apply the persimmon factor.

It had been years since I had to do that in the field, and it was taking me a long time. Seconds flew by as she stared into my eyes, waiting. At last I murmured, “To think it was once a normal human body.”

Her smile told me my answer, though tardy, was accurate. She whispered again, a short coded poem that signified a place name. I assumed it was where the sub was headed, and when I puzzled out the coordinates I felt a chill. I hadn’t been to that place in a very long time. Not since I left my brothers there.

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“Tell Me What You Know About Jupiter and Jove.”

  • by jenso it tastes like sugar
  • “Hiiiiiiii,” she simpered
  • between the hurrying feet
  • among the sartorially dyslexic
  • good-natured patience and gentle eye-rolling

Tune in next time part 269                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Tell me what you know about Jupiter and Jove,” I whispered urgently. As far as I knew, my brothers had never made it off the island.

Tesla kissed me, then said, “Think about lollipops and cotton candy then ask again, so it tastes like sugar.” Meanwhile she squirmed her way down into the sea of balloon animals, pressing herself against me.

Above us a series of sharp bangs signaled the popping of the floating rubber penguins. The shriveled remains fluttered down around us. Tesla ignored them and continued her gyrations.

“Tesla!” a voice from the hatch barked. It was Captain Jorgensen.

Tesla smiled at me and looked upwards. “Hiiiiiiii,” she simpered.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he demanded.

“I’m interrogating the prisoner.” She giggled and slithered down until her head was hidden under the inflatable menagerie.

I have been subjected to many forms of interrogation, and this was by far my favorite. But between the hurrying feet and the muffled shouting going on over our heads, I gathered that Jorgensen did not approve. The open hatchway filled with the white faces of many mimes, each with a blowgun. They rained darts down upon us, popping all of the balloon animals. Luckily for us their aim was poor and we had plenty of time to finish our interrogation session before we were fully exposed. Tesla’s painted-on clothing had smeared all over my body, leaving us looking like royalty among the sartorially dyslexic.

A rope ladder unfurled down into the chamber where we stood. While we waited for Jorgensen to descend, Tesla displayed much good-natured patience and gentle eye-rolling.

Soon enough the pirate captain stood before us, a balloon parrot on his shoulder.

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Jorgensen Appraised Tesla and Me

  • by Kentas long as you don’t drink a whole can
  • could have been a small Inuit woman
  • no one had heard from the governor’s secretary
  • Strange night!
  • scattered her clothes

Tune in next time part 270                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jorgensen appraised Tesla and me, standing before him wearing nothing but smeared body paint and random, colorful tatters of exploded balloon animals. He sighed through his mustache, and said to me, “I see she’s scattered her clothes all over you. Well, ‘clothes.’ Hmph.” He formed finger quotes by swiveling his wrists rather than flexing his digits, which just gave me one more reason to detest him.

“What are you doing on my sub?” Tesla asked him.

“This again? It’s not yours anymore, not since the final hand of the tournament, when you folded at dawn. Strange night! The top seeds all fell in the first round. It was unprecedented, so much so that no one cared that no one had heard from the governor’s secretary. It didn’t help that the governor was unable to provide a stable description of her, claiming she could have been a small Inuit woman or a gum-popping blonde in spike heels. Too bad for the governor no one explained to him that those energy drinks are fine as long as you don’t drink a whole can.”

“Fine,” Tesla said. “What are you doing on this sub?”

“Piracy. Ninjacy. Alliance business, but in this case it doesn’t concern you.”

Jorgensen looked me in the eye, his bushy mustache insufficient to conceal the nasty smile on his face.

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Jorgensen’s Mustache

  • by jenthe most fearful and astonishing grimaces
  • slithers with shadows
  • a silk ropeladder
  • confirmed the man was intoxicated
  • visiting me nightly

Tune in next time part 271                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jorgensen’s mustache often framed the most fearful and astonishing grimaces, but his smile was somehow worse. It was the sort of smile that slithers with shadows and menace, and it belonged to the sort of man who carried a silk ropeladder with him at all times.

The mustache twitched, revealing even more teeth. The size of the grin, the balloon parrot on his shoulder, and the eye-watering fumes coming from his mouth confirmed the man was intoxicated. Or — a terrible thought occurred to me — perhaps he was using his Pirate-Ninja Alliance affiliation as cover for a membership in the Guild of Fire Eaters. I had heard murmurings about a mime/fire eater treaty. Given Jorgensen’s predilection for employing mimes…

I shuddered. Visions of that monstrous confederation will be visiting me nightly.

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Jorgensen Put Two Fingers

  • by Kent“I don’t think so.”
  • reflection of its luminous rays
  • 7983 comparison tests
  • in a rapid and nervy voice
  • slipped inside

Tune in next time part 272                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jorgensen put two fingers in his mouth and emitted an ear-splitting whistle. William Sausage appeared at the hatch above us and said, “Yes, Captain?”

“Two uniforms for our new recruits.”

Tesla folded her arms, creating a shelf for her impressive bosom. “I don’t think so.”

Jorgensen just laughed and climbed the rope ladder. A minute later two gray bundles dropped through the hatch to land in the festive debris at our feet. Picking one up, I said, “At least it’s not black tights and a striped shirt.”

My uniform unfurled and I discovered that it was worse than mime garb. It was a gunny sack of rough, itchy cloth that would make the wearer sweat under the sun, and would give almost no reflection of its luminous rays. Donning it, I guessed that its designers must have done 7983 comparison tests to find something so demonically uncomfortable.

Tesla sullenly put on her own sack and we climbed the ladder. William Sausage awaited us, with two muscular mimes. “Take them ashore,” he said in his reedy voice.

We clambered topside and then into a rowboat. The beefy mimes made us work the oars while they stared in the kind of silence that only mimes know how to generate. I twisted my neck for a look at our destination. All I could really tell was that it was rocky.

At the dock, we were met by a skinny man wearing a pink bathrobe and white face paint. He waved for us to get out of the rowboat then led the way up the dock, stopping outside a shack. Leaning close, he said, “You’re the last ones to arrive, but there’s still time, if you hurry,” in a rapid and nervy voice. He spun on his heel, knocked elaborately on the door of the shack, and slipped inside.

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I Wanted to Stop the Man in the Pink Bathrobe

  • by jenthey castrated people all the time
  • no choice but to watch him go
  • the only dollar he had
  • stepped purposefully out into the living room
  • the blue of an equatorial sky

Tune in next time part 273                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

I wanted to stop the man in the pink bathrobe and ask him if my brothers still ruled this island, and if — as they did a decade ago — they castrated people all the time, but he moved so quickly that I had no choice but to watch him go through the door like he was chasing the only dollar he had left in the world.

Tesla and I looked at each other, then turned to flee and ran straight into the arms of our beefy mime escorts. The two of them were utterly silent as they twisted our arms behind our backs and marched us through the door into the shack. Inside was a sort of cloak room, with another door at the other end. The mimes blocked the exit and glared at us until we opened the inner door and stepped purposefully out into the living room of the shack.

The walls were painted the blue of an equatorial sky, and the ceiling was obscured by multitudes of tropical birds fashioned from colorful balloons. Across the green shag carpet from where Tesla and I stood, my brothers Jupiter and Jove sat regally side-by-side on the backs of prostrated clowns, casually toasting marshmallows with their fiery exhalations.

But what made my blood run cold was their matching ringmaster garb. Things were much more dire than I had ever imagined.

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“Look,” Jupiter Said

  • by Kentthe gentleman bowed
  • started to snake upwards
  • “Oh, my dear! Must we then all die of hunger?”
  • sitting there, all puckered up
  • key phrases to use on their children

Tune in next time part 274                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Look,” Jupiter said, “it’s our brother.”

“Jason?” Jove asked, adjusting his monocle. The top hat and red tailcoat would be overkill on most people, but he really did look quite the fetishistic gentleman.

“Don’t be silly! Jason won’t set foot on this island.” The gentleman bowed knowingly, which sent his monocle to the floor. Jupiter munched on his marshmallow for a few seconds, his gaze intent on something just behind my ear. “And if he does…”

Jove laughed, still hunched over searching for his fallen eyewear in the dense carpet. Then his torso started to snake upwards. Soon he was standing to his full height of just over seven and a half feet. His laughter stopped.

“Our brother came without sandwiches,” he said. “Sans crudités. Bereft of biscuits.”

Jupiter affected a swoon, draping himself over his clown and onto the green shag. “Oh, my dear! Must we then all die of hunger?”

The pair of ringmasters erupted into shrill cackles. Tesla hid behind me.

“Hey!” I barked. Jupiter and Jove fell silent. They synchronously seated themselves on their prostrate clowns with prim precision, looking attentively at me. “You play innocent all you want, sitting there all puckered up, but I know you’re behind some of the troubles that have plagued me. You’re not even trying to hide it!”

“Oh no,” Jupiter said. “We needn’t. This goes right to the top.”

“The big top!” Jove said, giggling. He made a squinty face and his monocle popped out.

Tesla tapped my shoulder. “The circus is a dying form, isn’t it?”

I shook my head. “That’s the myth. It’s what they want the world to think. But it’s actually a prime location for operatives to learn key phrases to use on their children. Theirs, and everybody else’s.”

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“Ladies and Gentlemen!”

  • by jengot to the edge of a very big wood
  • He and Carla never had sex
  • she found in the basement
  • on file with the DMV
  • she sank into my uncle’s arms

Tune in next time part 275                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Jupiter cried. “Direct your attention to the center ring!”

Of course, this being a shack, there was only the one ring. Jove cracked his whip and both of the clowns lifted their rainbow-bewigged heads from the carpet. With my brothers perched daintily on their backs, the clowns crawled on hands and knees until they got to the edge of a very big wooden coffee table.

A crack of Jove’s whip motivated his clown to climb atop the coffee table, and I saw for the first time that under the big red nose and oversized bowtie, this clown was a female. Seconds later I realized it was Jove’s wife Carla. From the letter that accompanied their Christmas card every year, I knew far more than I cared to about Jove and Carla’s marriage. He and Carla never had sex on the trapeze she found in the basement until they were both properly licensed and those licenses were on file with the DMV. That sort of thing.

Jupiter rose to his feet atop his clown. His shiny knee-high boots were obscured by colorful ruffles, and his black silk top hat brushed against the balloon animals along the ceiling. I wondered if he was married to his clown, too. Jupiter’s first wife, Juno, was out of the picture. Their marriage hadn’t even lasted through the reception. Uncle Jinx skipped the ceremony, and arrived at the reception looking quite debonaire in his tuxedo. Jupiter introduced the two, she sank into my uncle’s arms, and that was that. But perhaps he had remarried.

“Jove and Carla will prepare the altar for the sacrifice!” Jupiter announced, looking pointedly at Tesla and myself.

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Carla Sank Into a Fetal Ball

  • by Kentlong legs and fierce eyes
  • “It’s very interesting.”
  • baby gorilla devours her first birthday cake
  • Boom.
  • and gloves without fingers

Tune in next time part 276                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Carla sank into a fetal ball on the coffee table, with Jove still perched on her back. He plucked his monocle and fogged it with his breath.

“Ahem,” Jupiter said.

“Oh. Right.” Jove snapped his whip again, and Carla backed off the coffee table. Another snap, and she pressed a small button in the carpet. The table flipped over, disappearing under the floor as another piece of furniture rose to replace it. The new object was possibly a bizarre chair, or maybe just a sculpture. What it most resembled was a bat with long legs and fierce eyes.

“Do you like the altar?” Jupiter asked.

Tesla spoke calmly. “It’s very interesting.”

Jupiter scowled down at us. “I haven’t felt so unappreciated for my genius since Jove barely cracked a smile when I showed him ‘baby gorilla devours her first birthday cake.’ That was hysterically funny, but you’d never guess from his stoic reaction.”

“Stoic? You’re embroidering.” Jove snapped his whip twice, and Carla turned so he faced Jupiter. “And, the video clip of a baby gorilla is hysterically funny, but your dance interpretation of it is merely odd. Boom. There. I said it.”

“Why must we squabble? Especially at a time as important as this?” Jupiter bowed deeply from atop his clown.

“Don’t fret. Brothers without squabbles are like Martinis without olives and gloves without fingers.”

“Déclassé?”

“Exactly. And, now that the altar is prepared…”

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From My Many Prophetic Dreams

  • by jen(whoops, was that a spoiler?)
  • sold it for $500 in December
  • the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment
  • “Couldn’t do it but one time.”
  • our typography does not allow such a character

Tune in next time part 277                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fom my many prophetic dreams I knew that my death would not come from being sacrificed by, or to, clowns. My eventual death would not involve clowns at all (whoops, was that a spoiler?). Tesla’s death I was less sure of.

“I recognize your altar, Jupiter,” I said. “And I know that there should be another just like it. A twin, if you will, belonging to your twin.”

Jove gave his whip a lazy crack and Carla turned around so they were facing me. “I sold it for $500 in December so that I could buy tickets to see my favorite band, the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment at their farewell concert.” He looked wistful. “Couldn’t do it but one time.” With a glare at Jupiter he said, “Even though we had two altars.”

“As I explained at the time,” Jupiter sniffed, “they were only playing one concert. There was no reason to sell both altars. You got to see your ridiculous band and now we’re still able to carry out the necessary sacrifices.”

“I could have gotten better tickets, you $&!!@#”

I’m afraid that our typography does not allow such a character or group of characters to adequately capture the depth and breadth of the foulness of Jove’s language. My diversion was working quite well, unfortunately Tesla was so stunned by the barrage of filth flowing from my brother’s mouth that she did not make a break for it.

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