Tagged: tune in next time

Now That You’ve Checked Santa Off Your To-Kiss List

  • by jenonly full-blooded Navajo
  • a vast subterranean chamber of horrors
  • reflection of its luminous rays
  • Ahem.
  • and you’re still not dancing

Tune in next time part 139                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Now that you’ve checked Santa off your To-Kiss list, Freya, I think only full-blooded Navajo is left.” I shot a glance at Mr Claus’s tattoo before his beard covered it again, hoping it was not a twin to my own. It wasn’t, and instead depicted a vast subterranean chamber of horrors, a Hellscape overhung by a giant bloody sun, the writhing flames a reflection of its luminous rays.

Santa said, “Ahem. My eyes are up here.”

Freya smoothed his beard and kissed the tip of his nose, then leapt to her feet. “Mother sent me to find you,” she explained to me. “She says, and I quote, ‘Thor is a huge disappointment as president, and you’re still not dancing fast enough.'” Freya shrugged. “She said you’d know what she meant.”

Oh, I knew all right. I knew, and I didn’t like it one little bit.

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“Come With Me”

  • by Kent“Is this an ocean menagerie?”
  • something that, in hindsight, looks strikingly similar to
  • shot him in the mouth
  • a converted fireman
  • young ladies usually are

Tune in next time part 140                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Come with me,” I said to Freya. She flung herself onto her ersatz Claus and shook her head, a perfect, petulant tantrum. It might have been adorable when she was two, and apparently the white-bearded man laying underneath her had much laxer standards.

I wrote her off. She knew she’d have mother to answer to later, and apparently she didn’t care. I had to move quickly, as the tattoo admonished. Quicken my steps, as mother had scolded.

The message inked on my chest was not meant to be taken literally. I knew, for example, that the glistening treetops it referred to were branching bioluminescent coral formations on view at the Contrarian National Aquarium. Handy that it was three blocks away.

Admission was free. I headed down three levels to the proper tank, and stood gazing at glowing, gently swaying fronds, like a deep-sea rave where someone subbed horse tranquilizer for ecstasy.

“Is this an ocean menagerie?” asked the red-haired lady beside me. It sure sounded like a coded phrase, but I had no countersign that went with it. She must be meeting up with a different operative. I nodded, because the correct answer to her question was, “Yes.” This exchange was something that, in hindsight, looks strikingly similar to acknowledgement of a coded signal. She set down her shopping bag beside my feet and wandered off.

Whoever was running their game, I would like to have shot him in the mouth with a squirt gun full of bleach. I stepped away from the bag so its intended recipient wouldn’t feel the need to do anything drastic when he showed up.

Half an hour later, I was still alone at the viewing window, with only the abandoned shopping bag for companionship. Maybe I misread the situation? Maybe the red-head was the headmistress? Worth a glance in the bag to figure it out, right?

The bag contained a jigsaw puzzle, or at least I hoped it was just one puzzle’s worth of pieces. Of course, the moment I picked it up was when more people entered the exhibit, so I couldn’t just leave it.

But something else distracted the arriving throng. I turned back to the glass and saw a diver in the dark water, using a converted fireman‘s breathing apparatus in place of real SCUBA gear. Apart from the breather, the diver wore only a bikini, and she wore it well. I noticed an odd pattern to the way she released her bubbles, but my view was quickly blocked by a few dozen high-school boys pressing their noses to the glass. When they swim in skimpy costumes, young ladies usually are an irresistible lure for teenage boys.

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An Entire Field Trip’s Worth of Teenage Boys in School Uniforms

  • by jenthe realm of cryptozoology and superstition
  • through an interpreter
  • to enhance its size
  • staring up at the ceiling with dreamy, lack-luster eyes
  • mere super-dork

Tune in next time part 141                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

An entire field trip’s worth of teenage boys in school uniforms blocked my view of the SCUBA woman. Contrarian schools focus almost exclusively on the realm of cryptozoology and superstition, so their presence here at the aquarium was a bit surprising.

I moved to the side of the viewing port and started to work my way in amongst the hormone-drenched throng, which necessitated pressing myself flat against the wall. As I inched along I encountered a plaque written in Olde Contrarian. I ran the text through an interpreter app on my phone, thinking it might be the message I was waiting for. When the translation appeared, I had to enhance its size and read it again.

Mermaid.

I laughed. Well, that explained what the school kids were doing here. But the SCUBA woman was anything but a mermaid. All the parts I had seen (which was most of them, given the skimpiness of her bikini) were human.

Losing patience, I shoved the nearest teen a few inches to the left and took my place at the window. The “mermaid” spotted me and flashed a quick hand signal, then began her peculiar and complicated release of bubbles again. The code she was using was an old one, and she started off by complaining about how many years it had taken me to finally show up.

I shrugged.

She flashed another quick hand signal, this one much ruder than the first, then bubbled that I should call her the Headmistress. That was great news, except that I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to pass along my message to her. I stood there for far too long, staring up at the ceiling with dreamy, lack-luster eyes, trying to recall the proper pantomimes for Fire, Delight, and Danger.

The boy that I shoved noticed me and elbowed his friends. The whole group began taunting me, calling me every name in the book from perverted ass-clown to pathetic pumpkin juggler to mere super-dork.

I ignored them and finished choreographing my message. As soon as I delivered it, the SCUBA headmistress’s eyes narrowed and she pulled a harpoon gun from behind a nearby chunk of coral.

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Every Man Has At Some Point

  • by Kentasked to draw a map
  • the worst a beautiful woman could do
  • squeezed his head and arms
  • their gestures of greeting
  • never, ever name your daughter after that woman

Tune in next time part 142                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Every man has at some point been asked to draw a map of his fears, where X marks the worst a beautiful woman could do to him. Usually it’s something about betrayal or abandonment, hardly ever has anything to do with harpoon guns. I didn’t think I had much to worry about this time, though. The glass of the aquarium would surely stop a harpoon. But then I looked at the tip of her weapon, and realized it wasn’t the typical sharp prong but a chunky explosive warhead.

The only reason I could think for the Headmistress to turn on me like that was if I’d somehow garbled the message. I had to try a different code. Grabbing the rude teen beside me, I squeezed his head and arms into the shapes of various ancient runes. The Headmistress aimed her harpoon gun at me, but only lazily. She was giving me a chance. Meanwhile, the rest of the schoolboys were now treating me like a hip-hop star, leading me to wonder if they mistook me for my brother Jason. In any case, their gestures of greeting were elaborate handshakes that interfered with the transmission of my new message.

The Headmistress lost patience with me and fired. I threw my human runic semaphore stylus one way and leapt the other, as the window burst out at us in a surge of brackish water. The Headmistress rode the outflow and landed adroitly on her flippered feet, now brandishing a knife. She tore off her mask and shook out her wavy black hair.

It was the American ambassador, my date to the prom. Myxolemia.

“What should we do?” whined one of the soggy teenagers.

“I have only one piece of advice,” I replied. “You should never, ever name your daughter after that woman.”

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This Was Not the First Time I Had Been Threatened With a Serrated Diving Knife

  • by jentangled in her sweater
  • staring at the sky, stunned
  • but she won’t let you
  • moving in slow, sensuous circles
  • enormous head start

Tune in next time part 143                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

This was not the first time I had been threatened with a serrated diving knife by a woman wearing only flippers, a skimpy bikini, and spiky metal eyelashes. I dashed for the exit, putting as many schoolboys between us as possible. Myxolemia’s flippers slowed her down as well, and by the time she got them off and fought her way through her crowd of admirers, I had an enormous head start.

I pelted up the stairs and into the walkthrough aquarium. The glass tunnel passed through the heart of the giant tank. All around me, glowing jellyfish were moving in slow, sensuous circles. All of the jellyfish in the Contrarian National Aquarium have been trained by my wife personally to dance in these hypnotic patterns. You can ask Fleur a million times how she trained them, and why, but she won’t let you in on her plans. Very secretive is my wife.

As I hurtled past the crowds of tourists staring raptly at the denizens of the deep, I tried to figure out why Myxolemia hadn’t passed along her message to me when she appeared at the hospital. Or when she turned up at the leather goods store. Was it possible that it wasn’t actually Myxolemia, but her identical cousin Aimeloxym?

I burst through the emergency exit and stumbled to a stop on the sidewalk, staring at the sky, stunned. The presidential zeppelin was hovering directly above me. Had Thor escaped his vegan captors? Or was this some power play of Mother’s?

I must have stood there gaping for longer than I realized, for suddenly Aimeloxym was at my side. She had tried to dress in a hurry – her metal eyelashes were tangled in her sweater.

She aimed her harpoon gun at the zeppelin.

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“It’s Out of Harpoon Range”

  • by Kentunhinged their jaws the next time she saw them
  • with a hammer and sickle tattooed on the side of his head
  • countless x-rays
  • and at the same time believable
  • an industry catering to “needs”

Tune in next time part 144                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“It’s out of harpoon range, you know,” I said to Aimeloxym, hoping I sounded more confident of that than I really was. The presidential zeppelin’s altitude was hard to gauge, because of the vessel’s sheer size. Who’s idea had it been to choose such an easy target as the primary means of transporting the president?

Oh yeah, it was mine. But I hadn’t really expected anyone to take it seriously!

Aimeloxym lowered her weapon. She blinked the fuzzy sweater strands loose from her metallic eyelashes. She looked my way, those glinting fang-lashes giving her snake eyes, eyes that I’m sure unhinged their jaws the next time she saw them in the mirror.

In even better news, she didn’t aim the explosive harpoon at me again. She said, “You have no idea how badly you’ve messed things up. I was trying to tell you that you were in the wrong place.”

I slapped my forehead. How had I gotten so confused? What made me think my tattoo’s message referred to the aquarium? My first thought had been of a totally different locale, not even in this city, and it had been correct. Maybe it had something to do with the red-haired woman and her mysterious jigsaw puzzle, which was now scattered and soggy, lost in the flooding when Aimeloxym blew the place up. But that didn’t make sense, because she didn’t show up until I’d already blundered to the aquarium.

“It was Freya,” Aimeloxym sighed. “She misdirected you. Her hypnosis skills have come a long way. You probably didn’t even notice the man with the hammer and sickle tattooed on the side of his head.”

“You mean that trash-Santa she was writhing around on?”

Nodding, she showed me a picture on her phone, of a young, fit mercenary with a shaved head. The soviet icon was clearly visible. “This is what he really looks like. And you should see this, too.” She swiped through the images on her phone, past countless x-rays of feet, until she reached a photo of a building and everything was crystal clear and at the same time unbelievable.

“Hey, how do you know about all of this? I only saw my tattoo for the first time today myself.”

Aimeloxym sneered. “I paid off the spa agents, of course. Such places are an industry catering to ‘needs’ of more than one kind, as you should already be aware. But now you must run, before the presidential landing party catches you. Thor is out of the loop and will only mess things up even worse.”

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“Thank You,” I Said, Moving in for a Hug

  • by jena nasty slipping, grating sound
  • Perhaps I should elaborate.
  • at the same ranch
  • I’m not a machine
  • hidden beneath the refrigerator

Tune in next time part 145                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Thank you,” I said, moving in for a hug. Aimeloxym allowed the embrace, which I easily turned into a nerve pinch that rendered her unconscious. As her metal eyelids fluttered closed they made a nasty slipping, grating sound.

Perhaps I should elaborate. Not on the sound — I think I was pretty thorough in my description of that. Perhaps I should elaborate on why I incapacitated this woman who had just helped me.

If Aimeloxym had received her espionage training at the same ranch in the high desert that Freya had, it would explain her knowledge of and apparent immunity to my sister’s hypnosis. But it also made her far too dangerous. I couldn’t risk her finding out that “where the treetops glisten” was TinselTown, the year-round Christmas theme park I inherited from my uncle Jinx Damocles when he was presumed dead. I also couldn’t risk her making a pass at me, as so many women in my orbit seem to do. The past few days had been pretty much nonstop sex, and I’m not a machine.

As a rope ladder unspooled from the zeppelin overhead, I took possession of Aimeloxym’s harpoon gun and ran.

Through shadowy alleys and deserted warehouses I sprinted, eventually making my way to the royal pied-á-terre that my wife’s family keeps in this city for use during the annual calligraphy competition. I let myself in and went straight upstairs to the third auxiliary kitchen. I used the harpoon gun to fish out the small lockbox that I kept hidden beneath the refrigerator. Inside was my collection of diplomatic passports, a stack of currency, and a bus pass — quite literally my ticket out of here.

I made my way to the depot and caught the first bus to Harmonia, ancient enemy of Contraria. Being married to Fleur made it dangerous for me to enter the land of the Harmonious, but that’s where TinselTown was, and that’s where I hoped to find Tessa. It was a chance I’d have to take.

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Stepping Off the Bus

  • by Kentmade entirely of tin
  • I need a minute to digest
  • with rubber bands around the ends
  • writing down things that I don’t understand
  • the goddamn Rainbow Connection.

Tune in next time part 146                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Stepping off the bus in Harmonia’s capital city, Fore-Apart, I glanced around nervously to see if I had been recognized. Everyone around me wore a contented smile, and all who looked my way waved a happy greeting. It was seeming that I wouldn’t need to worry about the enmity I’d heard so much about. In fact, I wondered if the whole thing was mere Contrarian propaganda.

The wall of the bus station held a map of Harmonia, which I studied intently. I didn’t see TinselTown on it at all, though. As I muttered curses under my breath, a woman walked by wearing a long red coat and a boa made entirely of tinsel.

“Wait,” I said to her, and she sidestepped to keep moving. “I mean, hello. I’m sorry, but where did you get that?”

“That’s not the sort of thing one reveals to disagreeable palace flunkies,” she said in a cheerful voice.

I need a minute to digest what I just heard,” I said, stalling for time. “You know who I am?” She nodded, but by then she had outmaneuvered me and was halfway up the block.

Her glittery garment made her easy to spot, though. I let her get a little farther ahead before I started following. I ducked into a shop to get some supplies, such as pencils with rubber bands around the ends and a small notepad for writing down things that I don’t understand. I made my notes as I tailed the woman all the way across town to the train station.

Of course. I should have anticipated what she was headed for: the goddamn Rainbow Connection. I wrote it down, because I still didn’t understand how it fit in with my tattoo’s message.

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The Strange Woman I Had Been Following

  • by jenlove is all you need
  • ritualistic intensity
  • brilliantly lighted streets, the hard pavements, and death.
  • cherry cough medicine
  • smoothed the map out on her lap

Tune in next time part 147                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The strange woman I had been following entered the train station and took a map from the rotating display rack. As she sat on a bench, awaiting the arrival of the candy-colored Rainbow Connection locomotive, she smoothed the map out on her lap and traced a route with her finger. I grabbed myself a copy of the map and stood across the room watching her. It was easy for me to follow along because she wore gloves of the same cherry cough medicine-red as her coat.

When her brilliant red fingertip reached Barbershoppe, she tapped the map twice and smiled grimly to herself. I stepped behind a potted palm tree and thought of all the things Barbershoppe was famous for: the brilliantly lighted streets, the hard pavements, and death. According to my Uncle Jinx, the inhabitants of that curious little city were possessed of a ritualistic intensity that made them industrious workers. I recalled him telling me how he’d hired only Barbershoppian contractors when he built TinselTown.

In fact, the year-round Christmas theme park was built on the outskirts of Barbershoppe. I studied my map. Where my yuletide amusement ought to be was something called Valentine Village. Their motto? Love is all you need.

I seethed. Someone had shanghaied my inheritance and changed its theme! Now I might never find the answers I needed.

I wondered if the perpetrator was a member of my own duplicitous family. Perhaps Jason.

When the train arrived, the tinsely woman boarded the green car. I followed and took the seat directly behind her. I was ready for some answers.

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As Soon As We Pulled Out

  • by Kentor “skin” in this case
  • to watch your ex-husband get caught masturbating on television
  • that charming smile people had come to expect
  • with several keys dangling from it
  • some accident might befall the pumping apparatus

Tune in next time part 148                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

As soon as we pulled out of the station, I leaned forward to begin interrogating the red-and-tinsel clad woman. But she interrupted me before I could even begin.

“There are hidden cameras everywhere, you know. Nothing is secret anymore, nothing is private. Just after my divorce, Maurice learned that the hard way. He’d taken up with an inflatable girl the moment I threw him out of the house, a saucy minx named Astrid who liked to show a lot of skin, or ‘skin’ in this case. The broadcast ministry claim it was purely random coincidence when Maurice’s turn came up, but, well, to watch your ex-husband get caught masturbating on television, to see him wear that charming smile people had come to expect, but with several keys dangling from it for fetishistic reasons that would take far too long to explain, knowing that Contrarian agents played some role in it all, I tell you, it’s enough to make one hope some accident might befall the pumping apparatus in their capital.”

“Lady, you got me all wrong,” I said.

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