Tagged: puppet

Jim Waved To Me

  • by Kentthe circlet of gold which marked her
  • his old pinched-up hat
  • used as a decoy
  • “Wow!” I said when it arrived. “I didn’t expect it to be so big.”
  • And we all know how that turned out.

Tune in next time part 814      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jim waved to me, or rather the puppet on his right hand did. She wore the blue gown and the circlet of gold which marked her as Princess Toejam. I suddenly realized how apt it was to do this particular play with sock puppets. On Jim’s left hand was the Earl of Stretchknit, complete with his old pinched-up hat.

The princess wasn’t merely waving, she was signaling. Jim was using her to send me a message. His technique was poor, like even in hand signals he had a silly accent. The gist of what he was saying seemed to be that help was on the way, that he’d called for something to be sent here that could be used as a decoy. I signaled back, saying, “I hope it gets here soon.” Jim replied that I should be patient, and I said Petit Julien was setting the timetables here and we needed to move quicker. Conversing in this way helped keep either of us from falling back under the Mime King’s spell, and also made the time while I waited for Jim’s delivery seem to go faster.

“Wow!” I said when it arrived. “I didn’t expect it to be so big.”

The item in question was a pirate vessel, crewed by socks of course, and unmistakably intended to symbolize the key naval engagement of the last Mime-Pirate War. And we all know how that turned out.

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Apart From the Man in the Front Row

  • by jendressed in an all-black suit
  • suede and velvet
  • and tenacity and
  • cutest earmuffs he’s ever seen
  • make this videoconference party special

Tune in next time part 811      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Apart from the man in the front row who’d demanded to know my identity, there were only two other people attending Jim’s pornographic sock puppet show. I didn’t recognize them. On stage, Jim was dressed in an all-black suit as puppeteers often are, but his suit was made of suede and velvet and tenacity and snakeskin. On his head were what he calls the cutest earmuffs he’s ever seen. They’re shaped like penguins, and I have to admit they are adorable. Jim adopted a squeaky voice for the female sock puppet and said, still with his southern-tinged slavic accent, “Tonight we make this videoconference party specialest videoconference party ever, da?”

Tessa and I smirked at each other. That was the start of the raunchiest part of the show. Before it could really get good, though, the door behind us slammed open and an irate Petit Julien lurched into the puppet theater.

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We Dashed Out Of The Airship’s Dinner Theater

  • by Kentthird brother-in-law
  • I’m a super optimistic person
  • I’m sorry, but who is this man?
  • puppets, comrades
  • infamous party that included a bisexual orgy, a black mass, and — most shockingly —

Tune in next time part 810      Click Here for Earlier Installments

We dashed out of the airship’s dinner theater and immediately found ourselves in another, much smaller theater. I recognized the lead performer as my wife’s third brother-in-law, aka my brother Jim. No one would say I’m a super optimistic person, but even I had been pretty sure our situation was due to get less complicated, not more.

Our arrival seemed to have brought the show to a halt. Someone in the front row stood and pointed at me. “I’m sorry, but who is this man?”

“Never mind the interruption,” my brother drawled. But there was something odd about his accent. “Please to return attention to puppets, comrades,” he continued. I wondered what had been happening to him since I last saw him in the petting zoo, and I wondered why he was affecting this slavic persona. But I knew I would need to be patient about asking any questions.

Jim had socks on both hands, and by their “costumes” I suddenly knew which play he was doing. It was something that had been written on a partition in the seediest bathroom at The Academy, accumulating over the decades a line at a time. It contained much that was clearly fiction, but also a blow-by-blow depiction — likely factual — of an infamous party that included a bisexual orgy, a black mass, and — most shockingly — a duel fought (inconclusively) with uncooked spaghetti.

I took a closer look at the small audience, wondering who was attending such a peculiar exhibition.

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“The Show Was Called…”

  • by Kentlike to eat in the nude
  • applied his forefinger to his forehead
  • “You’re not going anywhere!”
  • open shirt and hairy chest
  • how big and bulgy

Tune in next time part 632      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“The show was called Bouillabaisse Cowabunga,” Hildegard said, “officially. But the kids all called it Bullabunga, so by the third season that became the title.”

I had faint recollections of a ‘Bullabunga scandal’ in which someone was quoted as saying “I like to eat in the nude.” I assumed it was the old sea captain. As these misty memories returned, I had an image of someone frowning through a painted-on smile as he applied his forefinger to his forehead with his thumb jutting out to complete the capital L.

“But that wasn’t a doll,” I said. “It was an actual, live clown.”

“It was German!” Hildegard shrieked. “It had no soul!”

“Okay,” I said with a wince. I gestured to the toilet. “Sorry, but I’m still trying to go.”

“You’re not going anywhere!” She stood panting, the latex puppet waving uselessly beside her right ear, staring at my open shirt and hairy chest as if unsure what they were.

I turned my back on her, trying to capitalize on her distraction in order to empty my straining bladder. Trying to relax, and think of anything other than her manic face, and how big and bulgy her eyes had become.

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I Didn’t Have Time to Stand Around While These Weirdos Laughed About Slug Eggs

  • by jenan unfamiliar accent
  • What a soft voice!
  • superfluous mouthsounds
  • endless chain of consequences
  • only had 10 doses

Tune in next time part 411      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I didn’t have time to stand around while these weirdos laughed about slug eggs. My nefarious brother Jim had surely docked his stolen zeppelin by now, and must already be making his way into this lair. Not knowing whether the Mints were expecting him gave my trepidation an unfamiliar accent. The voice in my head — What a soft voice! — told me to play along with the puppet and those he puppeted, to gather what information I could before Jim’s imminent arrival upset the balance of power one way or the other.

John and Tatiana were still talking about the slug eggs, gulping and smacking their lips and making other superfluous mouthsounds as they predicted what it would be like to watch me eat them.

If I had known, back in the water beneath the pier when John attacked me with a harpoon, that my escape would lead to an endless chain of consequences that would bring me here to Disco Island to watch a giant ventriloquist puppet and his wife plot with John and my latest baby-mama-to be, I might have made slightly different choices.

I put on my General underpants and trousers, and remembered something Aloysius had told me as he stitched my uniform. “All Contrarian military uniforms include capsules of knockout gas,” he’d said. He was running low and only had 10 doses to give me, but he showed me where the hidden trigger was, and how the gas would spray out of the mouths of the epaulet-squirrels.

I shrugged into my General jacket. Perhaps I was not at such a disadvantage after all.

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This Life I’ve Been Living

    • by jenno good for my health
    • unexpected circus
    • wearing lipstick and satin pants
    • “You’re drunk.”
    • glitter in your vagina

    Tune in next time part 409      Click Here for Earlier Installments

    This life I’ve been living is no good for my health, or my sanity. As soon as whoever was ventriloquizing Mingus made him utter the words “Frozen Yogurt Robot” I knew that things were about to take an unexpected circusward lurch, and if I wasn’t careful I’d soon be wearing lipstick and satin pants and all the rest of it, performing at a child’s birthday party.

    “If you think I’m going to dress up like a clown on Wednesday, or any other day, you’re drunk.” I pointed at the trio and their unsettling puppet. “You’re drunk.”

    “Are all the men in your family assholes?” Tatiana said. She went on in a mocking imitation of my deep voice, “Now that you’ve got my magnificent magical baby glitter in your vagina, babe, I’ll be on my merry way. I’ve got lots of asshole business I gotta do.”

    “None of this was my idea!”

    Mingus’s wooden head swiveled to look at me, and his stiff eyelids clicked in a blink.

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If You Have a Crystal Throne

  • by Kenta game you can play at parties
  • “Seems kind of hinky to me.”
  • unwittingly volunteered
  • something to console my growing fears
  • Ahem: Frozen Yogurt Robot

Tune in next time part 408      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If you have a crystal throne, and your guests are sufficiently uninhibited, then there is a game you can play at parties that bears much resemblance to what Tatiana and I were doing. John and the Mints hung around to watch. I would have preferred a bit of privacy, but Tatiana appeared to relish the attention.

When John commented about part of our performance being especially interesting, the Mingus puppet replied, “Seems kind of hinky to me.”

Upon receipt of my DNA, Tatiana dismounted primly and said, “Next Wednesday, then. Don’t be late.” While she gathered her clothes, I looked to Myndilynn and John to find out what I had unwittingly volunteered for. They exchanged knowing glances and cryptic nods, in Myndilynn’s case also quite coquettish, dashing my already faint hopes of hearing something to console my growing fears that I was, once again, tangled up in deep political maneuverings of which I had no grasp.

“Does he have everything he will need for Wednesday?” John asked. “Here’s the list of supplies.” I began getting dressed, warily monitoring the conversation.

Myndilynn sneered. “That’s so out of date. The most important thing is missing!”

John shrugged.

Myndilynn huffed and Mingus said, “Ahem: Frozen Yogurt Robot.”

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Unlike My Twin, Who Was America’s #1 Wedding Rapper

  • by jendisliked attending weddings
  • invited a tyrant
  • the scent of roses
  • you never know when something like that could be true
  • need a longer snake

Tune in next time part 407      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Unlike my twin, who was America’s #1 wedding rapper, I disliked attending weddings. I avoided them whenever I could, and there were many times I wished I could have avoided my own, since it invited a tyrant of a father-in-law into my life. Fleur and I had married at the White House, and the scent of roses always reminded me of those long, long days of Contrarian ceremony in the Rose Garden with the Warlord glowering at me. I bring this up to illustrate how different Jason and I were on a fundamental level. I tried to explain to Tatiana that while the stars might think I was a suitable substitute, she really ought to think things over before jumping into parenthood with me. I ended my speech with, “There are so many cautionary tales about evil twins, and you never know when something like that could be true.”

But she just smiled at me and said, “You’re both evil in your own way, and right now I just need your DNA.”

While I’d speechified, Myndilynn had somehow gotten Mingus off the crystal throne, leaving it free. They stood off to the side, both nodding coquettishly. Tatiana began a short, sultry strip tease that quickly got my attention. By the end of it we were both nude. She reached for my Little General and said, “It looks like I don’t need a longer snake charmer’s dance. Shall we?” And she seated me on the throne and climbed atop.

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I Didn’t Have Time for Any Rap Battles

  • by jenwithout an inflatable octopus
  • raised a single finger and
  • pregnant with her first child
  • , along with my underpants.
  • except when it suited him to be Russian

Tune in next time part 405      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I didn’t have time for any rap battles. I needed to know what my brother Jim was up to. With a sad shake of my head I said, “I’m afraid I can’t perform without an inflatable octopus. It’s in my contract.” I raised a single finger and mimed signing the important paper.

“We’re not asking you to rhyme,” the giant Mingus puppet said. “At least not right now. I thought our message to you was clear. The star charts all indicate that today is the best day for Tatiana to become pregnant with her first child, and that you are the only suitable candidate.”

Not this again! Before I could even voice my protest, Tatiana yanked down my General trousers, along with my underpants. “You said we could use your crystal throne for this,” she said to the Mints.

Myndilynn gave a coy nod.

“Just a second,” I said, dropping the lisp. “There’s something you should know.” I reached for my pants.

“That’s not Jason,” Mingus said, as Myndilynn gave her head a sultry shake.

Tatiana looked me up and down. “If the star charts don’t mind, neither do I.”

John strode out from behind the crystal throne, consulting a large sheet of parchment. I should have known he’d be involved in this. He’s always been super into astrology, except when it suited him to be Russian Orthodox to keep himself in his grandfather’s will.

“The times of their birth are within the same 10 minute window,” he said. “The stars will allow the substitution.”

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From the Pier, Tatiana Escorted Me

  • by Kentnothing but dark memories
  • many lives, or only one
  • She nods flirtatiously.
  • back into the family business
  • My colleague won.

Tune in next time part 404      Click Here for Earlier Installments

From the pier, Tatiana escorted me across the black beach and into a cleft in the sheer rock face. The hidden doorway she opened revealed stairs, but not going up toward the stolen zeppelin. We descended for quite a while, my uneasiness growing. I had never met Myndilynn Mint, but I knew Mingus before he married her. We did one mission together, of which I have nothing but dark memories. What had he told his wife about the experience? Had he thought I betrayed him? It surely must have seemed that way at the time. But Myndilynn thought it was Jason being brought before her, which might work to my advantage. In the spy biz it’s good to have many lives, or only one identical twin you can impersonate to evade your enemies.

The stairs bottomed out at last in an echoey torchlit passageway. A minute later I was in an audience chamber where Myndilynn sat upon the lap of the wooden puppet of Mingus, which sat upon a throne of crystal.

“You wanted Jason brought to you immediately?” Tatiana addressed to the woman in the puppet’s lap. The answering nod reminded me of something about Myndilynn. She nods flirtatiously. It seems to be something she doesn’t realize she’s doing.

I doffed my hat with the badge that said “General” and bowed from the waist. Trying not to overwork the lisping, I said, “I assume you are trying to pull me back into the family business?”

Myndilynn nodded again, with that sly quirk of her eyebrow that always happens concurrently. But it was Mingus who spoke, his familiar baritone voice jolting me as I watched the puppet’s jaw flop around in crude synchrony with the words.

“We’ve missed your talents, Jason. I had a colleague who also rapped, but he was greedy and challenged for full control of the wedding division. My colleague won. Former colleague, of course.”

I pretended to stare at the puppet, but my concentration was on Myndilynn. Her mouth didn’t move. And how would she match his voice so exactly?

“Now that you’re back,” Mingus went on, “all will be restored.”

It had been only a blind guess that Jason was mixed up in Ventriloquist Syndicate affairs. Now to maintain my charade, I would have to keep up the bluff.

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