Tagged: helicopter

Not The Ipswich in England

  • k-avatar“The answer is easy,”
  • such a thing as sexually transmitted food poisoning
  • “Such, gentlemen, is my secret.”
  • “I demand satisfaction!”
  • then takes the form of a helicoidal or screw-shaped spiral

Tune In Next Time Part 51                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Not the Ipswich in England, though. The one in Massachusetts. Which was a good thing, because the dinky chopper would never have made a crossing and the directives of Dr Minka Stiletto were irresistible.

And, as it turned out, there wasn’t enough fuel even for the local hop I had to make. Unlike a plane, when a helicopter runs out of gas it doesn’t glide smoothly forward. It lurches and drops rapidly in a steep parabolic arc, which then takes the form of a helicoidal or screw-shaped spiral. The controls do little to influence this trajectory, but with finesse a skillful pilot can bring the craft to ground at a survivably slow rate of descent. My skills and my luck were barely adequate to the challenge, or perhaps the haze of the trance I’d entered upon hearing the implanted phrase kept me sufficiently relaxed to avoid injury.

Wandering the outskirts of Ipswich, Mass, I searched for Minka Stiletto’s clinic. Asking passersby got me only glares and hasty retreats. “I demand satisfaction!” I roared at a leathery fisherman, whose gap-toothed yodel of fright woke me from Dr Stiletto’s clutches for the moment. My clarified thoughts coalesced upon the realization that the foul doctor was known throughout Ipswich, known and feared. But not yet in total control.

“Bravo,” said a silky feminine voice behind me. My blood froze.

“But,” Dr Stiletto continued, “you misapprehend one thing. Yes, they fear me. But also yes, I do have total control. Now follow me. You too, Fred.” As the leathery fisherman fell into step beside me, and we both stumbled in Minka Stiletto’s rose-perfumed wake, she elaborated on her diabolical mastery of this quaint New England seaside town. “Such, gentlemen, is my secret.”

If she divulged any actual secret, I didn’t recall it.

Minka Stiletto raised her eyepatch to study me more closely. The experience made me wonder if there was such a thing as sexually transmitted food poisoning. I tried to hide my revulsion, hoping the fiendish doctor thought me still hypnotized.

“You’ll note that Ipswich, Mass is the cleanest town you’ve ever visited,” she singsonged, “and you might wonder why. Mightn’t you?” Fred nodded avidly, seeming to have a lot invested in learning how this fact could be true of the place he had no doubt lived for many decades. “The answer is easy,” Minka said, laughing. “She who controls the sanitation guilds controls all!”

Her amusement over this proclamation verged on incapacitating, but all the while she kept both eyes glued to me. This would not be my chance to escape. Perhaps if I played along I could learn something important. But would it be worth the risk?

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I Hesitated Too Long

  • by jensuch a large gang of outlaws
  • dragged him backwards
  • The doctor will see you now.
  • looking furtively at me
  • someone to show her love and compassion

Tune In Next Time Part 50                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

I hesitated too long. My chance to bolt for the helicopter disappeared when Oscar took two slinking steps closer and ran his finger along my jaw.

“I’ve never seen such a large gang of outlaws as I saw that night in Pensacola,” he murmured. “The crocodiles ate well.”

His chuckle told me how much he had enjoyed watching those men get eaten. I gulped, wishing I hadn’t let my curiosity get the better of me, wishing I was in the chopper right now, rising high above Oscar and Enzo and Alonzo. The inner workings of the sanitation union were not for the squeamish.

Enzo and Alonzo moved forward on either side of me, and I was sure they were going to pin my arms, but instead they pounced on Oscar and dragged him backwards toward the barber shop, screaming.

Enzo hissed as he passed me, “The doctor will see you now.” He was looking furtively at me as he said it and I had a sinking feeling I knew which doctor he was talking about. “She needs someone to show her love and compassion,” he went on, confirming my suspicion.

As the three of them disappeared into the crowd, Oscar’s cries were suddenly silenced. I shuddered. If there was one person in the world I wanted least to see it was Dr Minka Stiletto, but it seemed I had no choice. That line about love and compassion was the post-hypnotic suggestion she’d implanted during my last “appointment,” and it meant that I was already climbing into the helicopter and charting my flight to Ipswich.

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Oscar and the Other Two Sanitation Workers

  • by jen“Tell me, Ludovico,”
  • feeling the wind rush by
  • I met the bastard’s eye
  • very drunk
  • a superbly embossed plated coal-scuttle

Tune In Next Time Part 48                              Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oscar and the two other sanitation workers were upon me more quickly than I’d anticipated.

“Tell me, Ludovico,” Oscar said, spitting out my alias with such malevolent force that his stinking breath ruffled my hair, reminding me of feeling the wind rush by during my recent helicopter trip, “tell me again about the Pensacola dumpsters.”

I met the bastard’s eye and had no doubt that he was very drunk. The blue tinge on his lips told me he’d been drinking Barbicide again. That meant he and his cronies had been holed up in the barber shop for a long time, surveilling the church where Jason and Uncle Jinx thought they were safe. Where Lyudmila was now. I fretted for her safety, but tried not to let it show.

A grin split Oscar’s round face, revealing not teeth, but a detailed grill reminiscent of a superbly embossed plated coal-scuttle, inset with emeralds. Bad news for me, because that grill was a symbol of the highest rank in the sanitation workers union. It meant he had the authority to command every garbage man in the city.

I threw a look back over my shoulder, trying to decide if I could make it to the chopper if I sprinted.

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It Wasn’t The Plan I Thought We Were Going With

  • k-avatardenied having the dumpsters emptied
  • muffled in a dark cloak
  • they fled incontinently
  • step out of the queue
  • felt a fleeting pang of regret

Tune In Next Time Part 47                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

It wasn’t the plan I thought we were going with, but suddenly it was the plan we had.

While Lyudmila kept Jinx Damocles hanging by a thread, I pulled bins down from the shelves, looking for one containing something other than more bins. I ignored Jason’s sibilant protests and searched as quickly as I could.

“Wait! I have it!” Jason hissed. “Don’t wreck the place.”

He waved for me to follow him. I felt a fleeting pang of regret for abandoning Lyudmila, but she had her hands full. Upstairs was a peg-legged man muffled in a dark cloak, and two diminutive people in black bodysuits. “Splinter cell representatives,” Jason lisped. From a cabinet he took a small black book. “Logbook,” he explained.

A ponderous groaning noise came from the basement, startling the lone pirate and his two ninja companions. They ran outside, meaning to steal Lyudmila’s chopper. But when Time and Trouble snarled at them, they fled incontinently across the street. I laughed and shook my head. Taking the book, I said, “I can take it from here. You have to maintain your cover.” Jason nodded.

Two blocks away, people were lined up at a barber shop. I veered to the opposite sidewalk as I saw three men step out of the queue and head my way. Yet another faction had entered the game: the sanitation workers union. Unless their beef was with me, personally. It was possible. They took the blame for the Pensacola Debacle after I denied having the dumpsters emptied behind the stadium.

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After Wiping Her Tears On Her Sleeve

  • by jenare grossly underrepresented
  • save trouble and time for me
  • he would never have wings
  • curio shop in Baltimore
  • attract the attention of the young gentlemen

Tune In Next Time Part 40                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

After wiping her tears on her sleeve, Lyudmila explained. “You know how women are grossly underrepresented among the ranks of both ninjas and pirates? When Thor got that hiring quota legislation passed, I applied to both.”

A supremely bad idea, I knew. The Pirate Ninja Alliance was still in its infancy, and there was much distrust between the two factions. By applying to both she might appear as a double agent, especially if her connection to John were known. “How’d that work out?” I asked, knowing the answer would be convoluted.

I was not wrong.

Lyudmila grabbed my hand and hustled me through the back halls of the White House as she filled me in.

“… so then John had to save Trouble and Time for me,” she said. Trouble and Time were her matching Miniature Pinschers, kidnapped by Jorgenson earlier in her sprawling tale. “You know how John was, before he and Tessa got together and she made him get his shit together. He would never have wings in his backpack, or a parasail or anything, so he had to go to this little curio shop in Baltimore and buy a pair of reproduction Da Vinci strap-ons, and then glide out to where Jorgenson’s ship was moored.”

We climbed the narrow back stairs as she talked, my wrist in her vise-like grip. We emerged onto the roof, a two-seater helicopter waiting in the shadows.

Lyudmila pulled a tiny steel whistle from her cleavage and gave an inaudible toot. From the helicopter sprang Trouble and Time. The two small dogs pranced into the moonlight and yipped to attract the attention of the young gentlemen who were supposed to be standing guard.

A quick, silent sprint, and Lyudmila and I were in the helicopter. She was in the pilot seat. Once more she blew her whistle, calling her dogs back. The guards pulled their weapons, but as we lifted off I tossed the velvet cape from my Jason costume out the open side. It fluttered down upon their heads, allowing us to rise into the night.

“Jason is waiting for us,” Lyudmila said with a smile. “Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

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The Helicopter Flew Over the Sea

  • by jenpresidential sex saga
  • ushered into the presence of Thor himself
  • and the hissing of the flames
  • — and go away with it
  • the old house in which my father died

Tune In Next Time Part 32                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The helicopter flew over the sea for an hour, and then over the land, and finally touched down on the lawn of the old house in which my father died. Some people call it the White House. I didn’t like to be reminded of the part my father played in the presidential sex saga scandal, and wondered why Mitzy brought me here, of all places. I wished I could take the helicopter’s controls — wrench them from the pilot’s hands if I must! — and go away with it to some other location.

I looked at Mitzy for an explanation. Perhaps we were here to destroy the damn place, and the hissing of the flames would sing me to sleep tonight. My hopes were dashed when Mitzy said, “And now he will be ushered into the presence of Thor himself!”

Thor was, of course, my brother. He had been vice-president until the whole sex scandal forced our mother from office. I wondered many times if he orchestrated the imbroglio that resulted in our father’s death. I hoped I would survive this encounter. Tessa was the furthest thing from my mind, which, as it turns out, was a mistake.

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A Rope Ladder Swung

  • k-avatarsee his brain whirl
  • “Are you saying I’ve grown fat?”
  • felt as though you were in an ice bath for a millisecond
  • that zipped on the sides
  • in his room, planning his revenge

Tune In Next Time Part 31                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

A rope ladder swung before me, the lowest rung knocking me in the face. The helicopter hovered high over the ship, paying out a very long ladder so it could stay clear of the masts. With great effort I hooked an elbow over one rung and placed my feet on another.

The chopper climbed, pulling me upwards. At the hatchway, I got stuck momentarily until I exhaled. Then I was yanked free and the helicopter sped off, reeling me in gradually as it flew, giving me ample time to wonder who it was that rescued me.

Mitzy. I should have known she’d put in an appearance eventually. She stood in the open doorway of the helicopter wearing sequined overalls that zipped on the sides. As she guided my exhausted body into the compartment she said, “You weren’t stuck for long, but the surprise felt as though you were in an ice bath for a millisecond.”

“Are you saying I’ve grown fat?” I demanded. “There was nothing there but cotton candy — poisoned cotton candy — what was I supposed to do? I’m starving as it is.”

Mitzy’s worst habit, among many irritating tendencies, was speaking about people rather than to them. She said, “Soon he is in his room, planning his revenge. I can see his brain whirl, spinning fantastic torments for his enemies.”

“Mitzy, I just want a shower and a stiff drink, in that order.”

Where was she taking me? What happened to Jorgensen’s crew? Was I too late to protect Tessa from the deepest secrets of the treasure?

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I Remained in the Brig for Days

  • by jenringing of church bells
  • until the helicopter came
  • a very pretty demonstration
  • for it is poisoned
  • decorated with curtains of a saffron hue

Tune In Next Time Part 30                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

I remained in the brig for days. During that time I saw no one, not a single pirate, ninja, or mime. I ate so much cotton candy I began to hallucinate that my prison was a small cottage decorated with curtains of a saffron hue, and filled with the sound of the ringing of church bells.

As my stupor ebbed away, I said out loud, “Don’t be fooled. This is a very pretty demonstration of the effects of iocaine poisoning, for it is poisoned cotton candy, of course. Poisoned by the duplicitous Jorgensen.”

I repeated the phrase over and over until the helicopter came and I failed to hear any footsteps on the deck above my head. That could mean only one thing: the ninja envoys had arrived. Would Tessa be with them? Would John? Would Heinrich?

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