Tagged: foreign lands

I’m No Slouch

by jen

  • fertile ground for unintentional comedy
  • bustling up from his chair
  • I’m no slouch
  • leave it alone
  • find myself craving the famous borscht

I’m no slouch, but my Russian is not as good as it could be. I try to tell the ambassador that whenever I am in Moscow I find myself craving the famous borscht. Who knows what I actually say. The ambassador cries, “Leave it alone, leave it alone!” while bustling up from his chair, his face as red as the beets the soup is made from. Cultural misunderstandings are fertile ground for unintentional comedy, but they make diplomacy a bitch.

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Everything About Felicity Was All Brown

  • by jenrolled her beautiful eyes
  • like some patient livery cob
  • suddenly declared unlawful
  • no other password
  • the beautiful dog’s friendly attention
  • as plainly as the geese
  • causing an obstruction in the shaft
  • interposed his elegantly marked body
  • in the crepuscular twilight
  • WOW! Is she dragging!
  • such petty jealousies
  • all brown, brown eyes, brown hair

Everything about Felicity was all brown, brown eyes, brown hair, brown tobacco-stained teeth. She wore a brown velour jumpsuit and brown leather boots. Erasmus thought she dressed that way to hide her beauty from the eyes of men, to prevent such petty jealousies as she must have experienced in school when she no doubt turned the heads of her friends’ swains. It was for very similar reasons that Erasmus had covered his body with detailed black tattoos. Such subterfuge did not fool Erasmus, who saw her sensual attractiveness as plainly as the geese flying overhead and honking in the crepuscular twilight saw the small pond in the woods as their pit stop for the night.

“Why must those horrid sentries be causing an obstruction in the shaft?” wailed Felicity.

WOW! Is she dragging! thought Erasmus. Felicity was usually stoic in the face of such disappointment. She must be completely exhausted to break down like that. They knew when they signed up for the Amazing Race that there would be frustrations, but nothing had prepared them for this task, in which they were required to navigate their way through a disused emerald mine in Myanmar. Much to their chagrin, the team had just found themselves back at the entrance and had gone outside for some fresh air and to pet the large black dog that was chained there.

“Are you certain you know no other password?” Erasmus asked.

Felicity rolled her beautiful eyes like some patient livery cob who had lost all patience upon learning that horses had been suddenly declared unlawful.

“If I knew another password,” she grumbled, “don’t you think I would have mentioned it?”

Her despair drew the beautiful dog’s friendly attention, and it demanded to be petted. Erasmus felt a flair of jealousy and interposed his elegantly marked body between Felicity and the animal.

longest prompt evah!

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Under the Full Glare

  • by jenthe full glare of publicity, with
  • the ambassador opened his mouth
  • Sweet Samantha
  • Your poor people was overwhelmed
  • the shifting cluster of rocks in that part

Under the full glare of publicity, with video cameras broadcasting his every word and gesture, the ambassador opened his mouth to offer his condolences to the Prime Minister. “Sweet Samantha,” he began, but instantly regretted the term of endearment. He started again, but was so flustered by his faux pas that he lost some of his hard-earned fluency in sweet, sweet Samantha’s native tongue. “Your poor people was overwhelmed by the shifting cluster of rocks in that part of the colony.” He faltered, too dismayed to continue.

bonus points for using them in order!

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Because they believed us

  • k-avatarpop that sucker out
  • eat pizza! fun fun!
  • designs on their pots
  • hardest departure
  • insane stoicism

Because they believed us to have designs on their pots, the primitive artisans drove us away with sharp sticks and their own spittle. Smithers refused to go, even when they poked him, although he relented in his insane stoicism when the chief began to tickle him.

Awaiting Smithers, the rest of us were stranded by the receding tide. Such is the tale of our hardest departure. One of the savages, fascinated by our fair hair and dungarees, fled his ancestral home to experience Western culture. After six months, all he would say was, “eat pizza! fun fun!”

Presenting my research to the dean, I found myself at a loss to reply when he stated, “Ya gots ta pop that sucker out.”

 

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The Kremlin Cupolas Shone

  • k-avatarslapped the monk’s face
  • stop shooting, you fools!
  • most novices ate it with relish
  • work intelligently, rather than spectacularly
  • the Kremlin cupolas shone against a pale summer sky
  • “Go ahead, kiss her.”

The Kremlin cupolas shone against a pale summer sky, and bells rang out the lunchtime hour. Since its conversion into a  monastery, the former fortress boasted far fewer tanks, and marginally better food.

Brother Ivan wished the cooks would strive to work intelligently, rather than spectacularly. Years of eating the ornate fare left him bored by all the gold leaf and sugar sculptures, although most novices ate it with relish.

The walls shook, signaling that some of those novices were skipping lunch to play in a tank, and had found some ammunition. “Stop shooting, you fools!” screamed the abbot as he charged outside.

After the meal, Ivan strolled in Red Square with Brother Boris. They came upon a pretty young lady with a sign reading, “Smoochies, $1.”

“Go ahead, kiss her,” Ivan suggested. The woman slapped the monk’s face. “Pay first,” she insisted.

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“Really, Winifred”

  • k-avatarfrom your clogged and sputtery pen
  • “It’s a farmer’s job.”
  • The goat raised her head
  • Like kittens about to ignominiously drowned
  • Russia, without a doubt
  • “Really, Winifred,”
  • Agriculture is a broad field
  • carefully maneuvered herself between Angel and Will

“Really, Winifred,” Walter sighed. “It’s a farmer’s job.”

Winifred smirked. “It’s like you always say, though. Agriculture is a broad field. Why shouldn’t a broad stand out in it?”

The goat raised her head, then carefully maneuvered herself between Angel and Will, the pair of mastiffs who kept order in the chickenyard. Walter scratched his chin, looking from the goat to his wife and back. “Okay,” he finally agreed.

Glee made Winifred’s eyes into tiny, happy animals. Like kittens about to be ignominiously drowned. Walter knew she would soon beg him to take over, but meanwhile she would learn another side of the business. Where had she picked up such curiosity? Russia, without a doubt.

Maybe the mail-order marriage hadn’t been such a good idea. The magazine ad had been too irresistible — “A beauty who will keep you warm, for just a few words from your clogged and sputtery pen.”

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As I Walked Past the Boot Department

  • k-avatarthe Russian seemed to almost deflate
  • in a silver sequin hunting outfit topped with a plumed hat
  • turned my blood to icy slush
  • it hurt more
  • ivory fans, flamenco shoes
  • past the boot department

As I walked past the boot department of the Vladivostok Marks and Spencer, I beheld a sight that turned my blood to icy slush.

Igor had found me, and there he stood in a silver sequin hunting outfit topped with a plumed hat, in his hands ivory fans, flamenco shoes on his tiny, awkward feet.

The Russian seemed to almost deflate as my horror manifested as mad cackling, and it hurt more to see his disappointment than it had to pull out the arrow he shot into my buttock in Prague.

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Sacre Coeur Was Yet Another Cathedral

  • k-avatarpuffed up like a toad
  • no mere statue
  • You had two. They were thick
  • “Stand back, you imbecile!”
  • the 200 year brawl
  • yet another cathedral

Sacre Coeur was yet another cathedral trammeled in the 200 year brawl between transubstantiationalist rebels and the materialist establishment.

“Stand back, you imbecile!” bellowed Mordecai, chief pyrotechnician of the rebellion. “Out of the way so I can take down that minotaur.”

“You had two. They were thick. It’s my turn,” groused Stephanie, a talented psionic.

Both were struck speechless when the icon St Gridiron, which it seemed was no mere statue, puffed up like a toad.

“But this would be blasphemy to the materialists!” cried Mordecai.

In a grating voice St Gridiron explained, “They have formed an alliance with the couch-potato legions.”

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Traveling with Diplomats

  • k-avatarnot always the cleverest
  • pretend to hold the wheel
  • staying at the Austrian embassy
  • I wished to shake her sang-froid
  • the long-legged Englishman
  • the length of his mustache
  • A good scent?

Traveling with diplomats is not always the cleverest way to see the world. The accommodations are usually posh, but infested with spies.

Once, while staying at the Austrian embassy in Australia (or was it the other way around?), I found myself ensnared in unseemly entertainments which led to a course of antibiotics. I’d tailed a sultry espionage agent to the private club in the basement, and although I wished to shake her sang-froid she only wanted to shake her money-maker. Then she’d pretend to hold the wheel of a ship and cry out, “Thar she blows!” each time the long-legged Englishman recrossed his ankles. I think she was impressed by the length of his mustache, and its scent. But was it a good scent?

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Felicity Learned

  • by jenencountered
  • first impressions
  • savvy
  • fulfilling

Felicity learned, years later, and after much heartbreak and broken promises, not to mention a sullied reputation and a destroyed credit rating, that she should have trusted her first impressions when she initially encountered the savvy Arch-Duke of Kiev, and not rushed headlong into fulfilling her girlish fantasies.

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