Tagged: food

Jerome Hung His Pompadoured Head in Shame

  1. by jenCharacter – Elvis impersonator
  2. Setting – prison
  3. Object – engagement ring
  4. Situation – unplanned amputation

Jerome hung his pompadoured head in shame. He was no longer fit to wear the spangly jumpsuit. He’d have to sell his collection of blue suede shoes to pay for his lawyer. It was either that or Lola’s pretty pink engagement ring, and he could never do that to her. Any woman who could overlook what he did was worth her weight in bacon. If only Lola’s mother hadn’t reached for the sandwich just as he was about to cut it…

Well, at least he’d get the chance to perfect his “Jailhouse Rock” dance routine. Hopefully the other inmates would be understanding.

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Olga Pouted

  1. k-avatarCharacter – supermodel
  2. Setting – gazebo
  3. Object – fountain pen
  4. Situation – the last bunch of bananas…

Olga pouted. She smiled, a bashful sidelong smirk accompanied by come-hither eyes. She licked her lips. Nothing was working.

“I just don’t see your need for the pen. Something’s missing.” The photographer looked around helplessly.

Olga ran her tongue over the fountain pen.

Gary was a temperamental perfectionist, but he never missed a shot.

“That’s fantastic. But they’ll never run it.” He reached behind him, groping around on the table. “I’ve got it. We need more bananas.”

Gary located one last bunch amid the decimated fruit baskets and cold-cut trays. He raced into the gazebo and meticulously positioned the bright yellow fruit atop the mound already there.

Olga pouted.

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Anna Switched Off the Rerun of Gilligan’s Island

  1. by jenCharacter – Anna Graham
  2. Setting – Gilligan’s Island
  3. Object – handgun
  4. Situation – attic full of surprises

Anna switched off the rerun of Gilligan’s Island and stood at the bottom of the stairs. From behind the closed attic door came an incessant whirring noise. What was Telly up to now?

“Hey, Anna,” he shouted down to her. “Come on up! I have something incredible to show you!”

Anna sighed. Telly was always convinced that his latest invention was going to solve all their financial problems, but so far he hadn’t gotten a single patent. Anna slowly climbed the 12 stairs and opened the door.

“Surprise!” Telly yelled. He flipped the lights off and on several times and beamed at her. He wore his ratty t-shirt with the picture of the hand gun on it, surrounded by all the roses.

“Yes?” she asked.

“This will put Telly Graham Labs on the map!” he said, waving some sketches at her.

Anna glanced at the papers, but could not decipher them.

“What is it?” she asked. “And what is that sound?”

“Oh, that’s the cold fusion reactor. I need to figure out a way to cut down on the noise before I market it. But look at this! This is it! We’ll be rich!”

“Telly, honey, I can’t understand it.”

“It’s an in-the-peel orange juicer! We’ll be rich!”

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“No Pushing!”

  1. k-avatarCharacter – burned-out kindergarten teacher
  2. Setting – DMV
  3. Object – pile of sawdust
  4. Situation – lost a piece of jewelry

“No pushing! Remember our manners, children.”

The weary throng queueing for license and registration issues tried to ignore Cyril, just as they tried to ignore the shrill whine of saws and the incessant pounding of hammers. Tried and failed.

“This field trip will be over soon,” Cyril shouted. “Now, nobody is to leave this room until I say. There’s a little job I need to do over here, and I want everyone to just be still and use your inside voices.”

Cyril knelt next to the plastic sheeting marking the construction zone, frantically sifting through a pile of sawdust in search of the candy bracelet he didn’t remember eating during the first hour he’d stood in line.

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“Get On With It!”

  1. k-avatarCharacter – morose existentialist
  2. Setting – rowboat
  3. Object – bottle of champagne, box of saltines, jar of caviar, bag of pork rinds, candy cane
  4. Situation – first day at the new job

“Get on with it!” Vernon’s irritation had overflowed the vessel he kept it in, and he  shouted everything he said. “Launch the goddamn boat!”

Maurice grasped the neck of the magnum of Dom Perignon, half-lidded eyes directed at the prow of the boat. The “Cygnet” rested in dry dock awaiting her maiden voyage. This morning, Maurice had begun his new job of christening each new vessel assembled by Barking Brothers’ Boatworks, and this twelve-foot rowboat would be his third launch.

The Vice-Presidents of Sales and Operations sat aboard the Cygnet, eating caviar on saltines, while Vernon Barking munched pork rinds and Vincent Barking sucked a candy cane.

“Smash the bottle!” Vernon screamed, showering all with porcine crumbs.

Maurice sighed. “Are not all our moments like the christening of a ship? Each breath, an uncertain endeavor in what could be a leaky deathtrap?”

He swung the bottle listlessly and jolted the Cygnet from her moorings, and she capsized amid the shrieks of corporate executives.

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I’m Going To Kill My Agent

  1. by jenCharacter – supermodel
  2. Setting – the world’s most inappropriate McDonald’s
  3. Object – phone number
  4. Situation – dropped contact

I’m going to kill my agent, thought Wifty, as she struggled valiantly to look thrilled. Wifty knew she had to make good on her contract so she wouldn’t get a bad rep with the industry. But, c’mon! If there was a less appropriate place for a McDonald’s, she’d like to know about it. Right in the middle of Victoria’s Secret? She was sure some geek had a fetish about girls in thongs and push-up bras scarfing french fries. Ugh! The smell of the fryers was drowning out the perfumed lacy underthings.

The stage manager tweaked Wifty’s nipples to perk them up, slid a bra strap off one shoulder, and handed her a Shamrock Shake. Then she was on the runway again, photogs leering and flashbulbs flaring. At the end of the runway she winked seductively and lost her contact.

Backstage she grabbed her cellphone and started dialing. Contract be damned.

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Hank Moved Swiftly

  1. Character – Ninja, just one week from retirement
  2. Setting – shopping mall
  3. Object – large pink balloon with 25 live bees inside
  4. Situation – obscene phone call

Hank moved swiftly and silently among pleated slacks, pursuing Max through menswear, both of them unnoticed by the many shoppers despite being locked in mortal combat. Hank had learned much in the food court. He knew this was a serious thing, that he could fail. Such dishonor, just a week from retirement.

He’d carried on his pursuit relentlessly from the far end of the mall, except when he’d moved swiftly and silently to the front of the line for frozen yogurt. He knew that others of Max’s clan were present. Battle was finally getting close. Max seemed to be slowing.

Hank sensed a trap, and changed from hound to fox just in time. Leaping unseen over the tops of the racks, he fled Sears. As he’d thought, three ninjas gave chase.

He wove among the crowd, seeking a place of refuge. There! Squeak’s Boutique would be a perfect hiding spot.

Diving headlong into a bin filled with anthropomorphic inflatables, Hank used his ninja skills to make himself as light as them. His pursuers entered. Live bees careened within a pink female balloon marked “special order” and he could hear the telemarketers in the back room making lurid suggestions to retirees. The searchers began to paw through the contents of the bin.

Light and bouncy, thought Hank, forming a perfect circle with his lips. Light and bouncy…

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Oh, It’s Too Confusing

During October we will be sharing passages that we’ve written independently from the same prompt.

  • Oh, it’s too confusing
  • The hell I am
  • his cranium was large
  • particularly the gas attack
  • hastily procured a saucer of milk and one of sardines
  • Can you use it to pay taxes?

Jen’s Take

by jenHis cranium was large, some might say overlarge, due to several instances in his early childhood, particularly the gas attack. Unfortunately that giant melon did not house an equally over-sized intellect.

“Oh, it’s too confusing,” he said of the internet. “Can you use it to pay taxes?”

I sighed. He always got dumber when he was hungry. I hastily procured a saucer of milk and one of sardines as well, in hopes of staving off further degeneration of his intellectual faculties.

“We’ll talk about that in a minute,” I said, “But first you’re going to eat this nice snack.”

“The hell I am,” he replied belligerently. “Not unless you make it a smoothie.”

 

Kent’s Take

“Oh, it’s too confusing,” Felix sighed. His cranium was large, but mostly filled with styrofoam peanuts. Consequently, there were few things that did not confuse him. A 1040-ez lay far outside of his area of proficiency.

“You’re making too much of a fuss,” Felicity replied.

“The hell I am,” Felix growled back.

“Just follow your instincts. You know you have the poise of a panther.”

“I do? Can you use it to pay taxes?”

“Here, stay put and take slow, calming breaths.” Felicity dashed to the kitchen and hastily procured a saucer of milk and one of sardines. Upon her return she said, “These will help you concentrate.”

Felix lapped at the milk dubiously, and swerved away from the sardines altogether. But he had to admit that his mind responded to the unconventional tonic. Soon it filled with visions for how to cope with the IRS, visions Felix found invigorating – particularly the gas attack.

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Flew Back To Colorado Springs

During October we will be sharing passages that we’ve written independently from the same prompt.

  • flew back to Colorado Springs
  • teaches him all a beggar’s tricks
  • redwood does not decay
  • supposed to be in stock in San Jose
  • date with a mulatto gal

Kent’s Take

Rick flew back to Colorado Springs for a date with a mulatto gal who teaches him all a beggar’s tricks. And he took my sandals, because redwood does not decay when exposed to even his vitriolic foot sweat. I still don’t have replacement sandals, because I’m a triple-E. But my size is supposed to be in stock in San Jose.

 

Jen’s Take

by jenRedwood does not decay. That’s the whole point. That’s what makes it so perfect for constructing lawn furniture. But of course, the set I wanted was out of stock at my local Ikea. It was supposed to be in stock in San Jose, though, so I flew out there to get it. Because redwood does not decay.

So, of course, they don’t have it in San Jose either. Someone bought the last one right before I got there. They gave me a free bag of Swedish meatballs for my trouble. I wish I was one of those guys whose dad teaches him all a beggar’s tricks so that I could have gotten more than the meatballs and a date with a mulatto gal out of the trip. But I’m not. My dad only taught me about fishing.

Anyway, after that I flew back to Colorado Springs and my plane was late due to fog at O’Hare. And that’s why I missed work yesterday. Honest.

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And Your Stomach Is Invaded By Butterflies

During October we will be sharing passages that we’ve written independently from the same prompt.

  • and your stomach is invaded by butterflies
  • the place of the courageous and the beautiful
  • lick ice cream and savor sugared almonds
  • splashing waterfalls and frothing rivers
  • Mexico’s most beautiful señorita
  • in Easter-Rabbit costumes

Kent’s Take

It is the place of the courageous and the beautiful to lick ice cream and savor sugared almonds, and it is their right to do so in Easter-Rabbit costumes. For Mexico’s most beautiful señorita, these pleasures are an art form. When you look upon her, with her frozen treats and her floppy ears, your mind is aswirl with splashing waterfalls and frothing rivers, and your stomach is invaded by butterflies. Courageous and beautiful butterflies.

 

Jen’s Take

by jen“Welcome to the land of splashing waterfalls and frothing rivers, the place of the courageous and the beautiful, otherwise known as Las Vegas, Nevada’s legalized brothel, Madame Ibernia’s!” cried Ibernia Patience, waving her arms broadly.

Behind her, two sultry ladies in Easter-Rabbit costumes winked and gyrated.

Frank Pax smiled. Bernie always knew how to surprise him.

Fatima entered, wearing a gypsy-like costume.

“Tonight,” Ibernia said, “you will enjoy Mexico’s most beautiful señorita,” she indicated Fatima, “from whose body you will lick ice cream, and savor sugared almonds from her navel!

“And your stomach is invaded by butterflies at the thought, isn’t it Frankie?” murmured Fatima.

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