Tagged: fisticuffs

The Mimes Began to Circle

  • by jencursed at me and called me a child
  • “I’ve been having relations with your wife.”
  • some perfect mix of ethnicities
  • Boom! You’re officially
  • an allergic reaction to the bite of a basilisk lizard

Tune in next time part 359      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The mimes began to circle, malice in their dead eyes. John seemed unconcerned.

“Olga’s a mime sympathizer, John,” I said. “She’s going to hand that test tube over to the grease-painted scientist they keep trapped in a glass box, and who knows what he’ll do with it!”

“Dr Marceau escaped years ago,” John said. “I’m surprised you didn’t know.”

I shook my head pityingly. “No mime ever truly escapes the glass box, John. If you care about your sister at all you’ll stop her before she completes her initiation rites. Once she fully joins, she’s theirs for life.”

John cursed at me and called me a childish name that I will not dignify by repeating.

“Oh yeah?” I retorted. “I’ve been having relations with your wife.”

It was often like this between John and me. When things got tense we regressed to juvenile taunts.

“These nephews of mine,” John said, cuddling my four infants, “are some perfect mix of ethnicities that the world has never seen before. I’m going to carry them to safety and let the mimes finish you off.”

Before this week I’d had no children, had never wanted them. And now, in the course of just a few days I was suddenly a father of six and something inside me had shifted. It’s like some animal part of my brain said Boom! You’re officially a protector now! and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to protect my offspring. There was no way I could let a backstabber like John raise my sons.

My lightning reflexes and years of extensive Academy training kicked in, and in less than a minute the tide pool was littered with the bobbing corpses of so many mimes.

I wiped my hands on my soggy morning suit and turned to see John backing away, still clutching my quadruplets. Years ago John had suffered an allergic reaction to the bite of a basilisk lizard, and ever since he’d lived in mortal fear of that particular reptile. And as I mentioned before, I am able to imitate the call of any bird or beast. I took a deep breath and made the ululating cry of the basilisk lizard.

John’s eyes widened in panic.

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John’s Sudden Attack

  • by jen— mind the lobsters —
  • one weird trick
  • determine how much blood it would take
  • rank, leather-like odor
  • glimpse into his violent mind

Tune in next time part 303      Click Here for Earlier Installments

John’s sudden attack gave me a glimpse into his violent mind, and brought me far too close to his rank, leather-like odor. My own eyes began to water.

I twisted away and looked for a weapon, whilst trying to determine how much blood it would take for him to lose before he lost consciousness. At the Academy they taught us one weird trick to remember the blood loss formula, a mnemonic. And then it came to me — Mind The Lobsters — that was the key.

Now all I needed was a weapon, and a minute to complete the calculations.

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Svetlana Had

  • by jencontrived to commit various high crimes and misdemeanors
  • consider looking deeper
  • the reunions didn’t go well
  • kill everyone and live happily ever after
  • the saddest and most pitiful sounds

Tune in next time part 70                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Svetlana had, in her storied past, contrived to commit various high crimes and misdemeanors, but none of her earlier schemes were as ill-conceived as her current actions. She leaned back on her stool, balancing expertly on her tailbone, and, using her nimble toes, threw her drink in the hissing bartender’s face, glass and all. It smacked him right between the eyes, sending a trickle of blood down his nose. I knew that her parents had looked into having her committed to a private home for the violently insane, and I thought maybe they should consider looking deeper.

The drunks at the table all leapt to their feet, their chairs clattering. Svetlana backflipped from her barstool to the center of their table, then spun in a quick circle, kicking them each in the face so that they wobbled and collapsed. Their asses smacked back into their chairs and the reunions didn’t go well. Several seats splintered.

“This place is crawling with spies!” Svetlana cried, staring at me with wide blue eyes. “We should kill everyone and live happily ever after in a cottage by the sea!”

I knew she didn’t really mean it. Happy endings weren’t her style. But for once we were on the same side.

The trench-coated individual leapt up and shrugged out of the coat, revealing himself to be a man. He came at me wielding a jagged hunting knife. I used a ninja maneuver I learned from Tessa to turn his momentum against him, and he lodged the blade in his own groin.

Svetlana and I ran out the door, leaving behind a bar full of men making the saddest and most pitiful sounds I’d ever heard.

It wasn’t long, though, until I heard sounds even sadder and more piteous.

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