Tagged: crime

Our Plans Worked to Perfection

  • k-avatarscreen door of his sleeping porch
  • impatiently explains to strangers
  • very sore and humiliated
  • save for spasmodic jumping
  • Our plans worked to perfection

Our plans worked to perfection, save for spasmodic jumping. We didn’t anticipate that side effect. The rats showed no such symptoms during our preliminary experiments, and we still haven’t pinned down the cause. Anyway, Fleming is very sore and humiliated, and I find it delightful to observe as he impatiently explains to strangers, through the screen door of his sleeping porch, that he’s a government agent working deep cover to expose illicit and unethical psychological research at the university. He evidently doesn’t know we carted him across the border, and these strangers don’t speak English.

Bonus points for using them in reverse order?

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I Have to Admit

k-avatar

  • “Bingo.”
  • in the days of my youth
  • rather enjoyed my liaison with Francis
  • at a local coffee shop
  • shot him in the mouth

“I have to admit that I rather enjoyed my liaison with Francis at a local coffee shop.”

“If you didn’t admit it, I’d drag it out of you. I haven’t seen a smile like that on your face since we went on that robbery spree in the days of my youth.”

“That was fun, too. Francis needn’t know about any of that, of course.”

“Bingo.”

“Especially the jewelry store. That one wasn’t as much fun.”

“The security guard ruined the whole thing. That’s why you shot him in the mouth.”

“With a squirt gun! You always leave that part out.”

“And you always leave out that it wasn’t filled with water.”

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Doesn’t Do To Enter A Stressful Occupation

  • k-avatarpressed up close, I’d imagine
  • plagued by depression and anxiety
  • vices are often hid
  • in front of the wall safe
  • that’d be the day!

Doesn’t do to enter a stressful occupation if you’re already plagued by depression and anxiety. But my shrink said what I needed, what would break my downward spiral, was excitement. He was just using me to perpetrate espionage on his chief rival down the street, but he explained it like this: safecracking would be therapeutic for me, and our doctor-patient confidentiality would protect me in the event that my shrink somehow ran afoul of the law.

“You’ll love it, once you try it. The trick will be getting you to stop!”

That’d be the day!

So now I’m curled into a ball in front of the wall safe in the rival shrink’s pitch-black office. I’m pressed up close, I’d imagine, trying to slip into the wall itself in my desperation to hide. I just know I’ve tripped some kind of alarm and the cops are racing to the scene. My shrink wasn’t using me after all. He was just trying to get rid of me. Throwing me to the wolves.

I pull myself together, and pull myself up the wall until I’m standing, staring at the dull metallic surface of the safe I’m now determined to defeat. My hearing is heightened by a lifetime of paranoia, making the action of the lock as plain as speech. Gifts are often hid within burdens, as vices are often hid within virtues. The safe clicks softly open, and I behold the scent of chocolate chip cookies.

The note on the plate is addressed to me.

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There Will Be No Tribunal, Humpries

  • by jenIs it a sea dragon?
  • dropped the feather in the sand
  • already weep from loneliness
  • fortune teller’s blood
  • his spindly legs
  • There will be no tribunal, Humphries
  • another troupe of acrobatic midgets

“There will be no tribunal, Humpries,” Abercrombie said as he dropped the feather in the sand where it joined the coagulating pool of the fortune teller’s blood. “You will be banished and I will simply hire another troupe of acrobatic midgets to take your place.”

Humpries wobbled on his spindly legs. He hadn’t expected to be caught in the act of murder. He had expected time in which to cleverly stage the scene so that the superstitious carnies would all wonder aloud, “Is it a sea dragon? What else could have done this?”

But instead he’d been found out. Humphries couldn’t bear the thought of banishment. He felt that he could already weep from loneliness as he watched Abercrombie stalk away across the beach.

Perhaps, thought Humpries, the sea dragon could leave two victims…

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The “Lost” Episode of Tagalong Bub

  • by jenlatent potencies later in the program
  • you got so carried away
  • ignorance of the law is no excuse, Bub.
  • a betrothal my father renounced
  • chump on the dome

The “Lost” Episode of Tagalong Bub

“You got so carried away, but ignorance of the law is no excuse, Bub,” said Pappy.

“I know that now, Pappy, and I’m terribly sorry. I feel just like a chump on the dome.”

“Oh, sonny,” said Pappy, patting Tagalong Bub on the shoulder, “don’t beat yourself up. We’ll get this all straightened out. You’ll see.”

“She’s just so awful purty, Pappy,” said Bub, as a heart-shaped thought balloon image of the cartoon’s villainess RunAmok Sal hovered over his head. “I never dreamed I’d fall in love and wind up involved in a betrothal my father renounced.”

And so it seemed that Tagalong Bub had narrowly avoided RunAmok Sal’s trap, but the love potion Sal used was complicated and revealed its latent potencies later in the program when she sneaked into Bub’s bedroom and forcibly consummated their union.

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The Aesthetic Accomplished by the Artist

  • by jeninsecure escapist
  • certain foundation of misery
  • witches who steal penises
  • aesthetic

“The aesthetic accomplished by the artist is a certain foundation of misery seen through the eyes of an insecure escapist,” Desmond wrote, “but why this piece is called ‘Witches Who Steal Penises‘ is beyond me.”

bonus points for using them all in one sentence

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Kimberly Toyed with a Lock of her Hair

  • by jenperfectly overturned bowls
  • a lock of her hair
  • she heard the stranger curse
  • your mother was not a witch
  • full-fledged love affair

Kimberly toyed with a lock of her hair as she recalled her first full-fledged love affair.

“Your breasts are like two perfectly overturned bowls,” the man said in greeting. “I can tell your mother was not a witch.”

Although he was strange, and a stranger, Kimberly had been intrigued by him. They quickly found relative privacy in a stairwell where, with her permission, he stole her virginity. After, she heard the stranger curse when he realized she’d stolen his wallet. But she was quicker than he and escaped.

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Stewart Left His Crowbar

  • k-avatarleft his crowbar
  • it is a machine
  • fish taco
  • tragic, funny, sexy, hilarious
  • hair in his fast

Stewart left his crowbar tangled in Myrtle’s hair in his fast getaway from the scene. He hoped she wouldn’t follow him again, that this was the last time he’d have to kill her.

He ran into the nearest bar, desperate to warn the occupants. “In a few minutes, a crazy lady will come in here. But it is not a lady. It is a machine. A tragic, funny, sexy, hilarious machine.” Other than a few chuckles, he got no reaction from the career drinkers. Stewart slunk to a deserted, shadowy corner to think.

Sure enough, Myrtle entered moments later, still trailing the crowbar.

Oh god, Stewart moaned, open mic night.

Myrtle mounted the stage, the heavy steel rod clanking with each step. She leaned up to the microphone and sighed, “What has two eyes, a tail, no legs, and hot sauce?” Stewart gulped. The spell was cast.

In one voice the rest of the patrons said, “A fish taco.”

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Edward Said, “We’ll Pick Up a Couple of Flashlights”

  • k-avatarlost in the dismal thoughts
  • Don’t rush me, Edward!
  • we’ll pick up a couple of flashlights
  • was killed by thieves
  • was a dinner guest once again
  • he likely plunged in deeper

Edward said, “We’ll pick up a couple of flashlights for the walk home, so we’ll be safe. Unlike Frank, who loved the dark and was killed by thieves. Ulrike also loved darkness, but had better luck. She knocked on a door and was a dinner guest once again. Xavier is harder to account for. He likely plunged in deeper, becoming a thief himself, but not killing Frank. That would never happen, but Xavier does get lost in the dismal thoughts of his varsity days. Mascot. Hideous. So, where do you buy your flashlights?”

“Don’t rush me, Edward!”

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As Winifred Sat Nervously in the Examination Room

  • by jenwearing a neatly trimmed beard
  • like most parents
  • Apparently you know Mr Scroggins
  • almost eerily quiet
  • a secret I can’t discuss
  • license plate number of the truck
  • a product of artificial insemination
  • almost as tall as the diving platform

As Winifred sat nervously in the examination room, her mind was filled by the license plate number of the truck driven by her abductors – XYZ 3499 – over and over in a loop.

The entire facility she now found herself in was almost eerily quiet, even though it was fully staffed with medical and military personnel.

A bald man wearing a neatly trimmed beard entered the room without knocking. Following was a tall man Winifred recognized immediately. The bald man saw her look of surprise and said, “Apparently you know Mr Scroggins.”

“It’s hard not to notice him around town,” said Winifred. “He’s almost as tall as the diving platform at the YMCA.”

Both men chuckled.

“You may well wonder why we’ve brought you here,” said Mr Scroggins.

Winifred nodded.

“Like most parents in this situation, yours did not want you to know you are a product of artificial insemination.”

Winifred gasped. It was surprising news, but did help explain a comment her mother had once made: “I have a secret I can’t discuss with you or your father.”

The bald man interrupted her memory. “Your mother thought she was inseminated with the sperm of a Nobel Laureate. Unfortunately this was not the case…”

He let the ominous sentence hang there and Winifred’s imagination raced.

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