Tagged: creature

Helga was a witch

  • k-avatarcertainly gambled and caroused
  • the face of that terrible woman
  • in the pastor’s opinion
  • monstrous Stalinist-vintage building
  • dotted with bright red poppies
  • seven-fingered human hand

Helga was a witch, in the pastor’s opinion.

His suspicions could have derived from her propensity for filthy hair and cackling laughter, or the evidence that she more than occasionally butchered stray cats. It could have owed something to her sordid past, when she had certainly gambled and caroused, or the fact that she dwelled in seclusion in a monstrous Stalinist-vintage building situated incongruously amid waving grasses dotted with bright red poppies. But no.

It was all because of the simple fact that any time pastor saw the face of that terrible woman his mind filled with the ghostly image of a seven-fingered human hand.

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“Abigail! Bad Dog!”

  • k-avatarthe seven battalions of the Lepracaun
  • rent all her needlework asunder
  • made a merry, scornful sound
  • the princess’s spaniel
  • “Hop! Hop!” he cried

“Abigail! Bad dog!” exclaimed Princess Flamisham after Abigail, the princess’s spaniel, made a merry, scornful sound and rent all her needlework asunder.

But soon the princess marveled at her pet’s alertness, for revealed beneath the ruined coverlet were the tiny General Shamrock and the seven battalions of the Lepracaun.

“Good dog, Abigail! Sic ’em!”

Shamrock issued commands in a frenzy, hoping to avoid a total massacre. “Hop! Hop!” he cried.

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The Latest Fad Religion

  • by jenthe most fabulous unheard-of things
  • I love my gold!
  • “Remote control, perhaps?”
  • discontinuous orthodragonality
  • some dank, phosphorescent cocoon
  • stirred the subatomic dough

The latest fad religion, Discontinuous Orthodragonality, is quickly replacing Kabbalah among the Hollywood elite. Orthodragonality priests remind the rich and famous that dragons are known for hoarding treasure, and preach that greed is desirable. They encourage Orthodragonality neophytes to become comfortable proclaiming, “I love my gold!”

Their sermons recount tales of the most fabulous unheard-of things, like the ancient silver dragon who sat in some dank, phosphorescent cocoon and stirred the subatomic dough for one week until the world was created.

At the end of the services, the believers rise together to sing a hymn, such as the all-time favorite about the mystery of how the dragons control the universe, entitled “Remote Control, Perhaps?”

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I Received a Visit From My Nephew Today

  • k-avatarheavy in his breast pocket
  • Yours sincerely, Gordon K.
  • tracks leading off into the blinding snow
  • an industry catering to “needs”
  • like pumpernickel bread
  • with a lip-smacking sigh
  • a band of earnest, friendly gnomes

I received a visit from my nephew today, a band of earnest, friendly gnomes heavy in his breast pocket. He wished to discuss a business loan, which is the reason for this letter. He would tell me little of his scheme, except that it is an industry catering to “needs.” He spoke these words with a lip-smacking sigh, his close-cropped dark hair, like pumpernickel bread, betraying the tingle in his scalp.

Eventually I had to send him away. I can still see his tracks leading off into the blinding snow.

I would greatly appreciate if you could spare a moment to apply your prodigious knowledge of gnomes, and their needs, to the question of my nephew’s scheme’s viability.

Yours sincerely, Gordon K.

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Sacre Coeur Was Yet Another Cathedral

  • k-avatarpuffed up like a toad
  • no mere statue
  • You had two. They were thick
  • “Stand back, you imbecile!”
  • the 200 year brawl
  • yet another cathedral

Sacre Coeur was yet another cathedral trammeled in the 200 year brawl between transubstantiationalist rebels and the materialist establishment.

“Stand back, you imbecile!” bellowed Mordecai, chief pyrotechnician of the rebellion. “Out of the way so I can take down that minotaur.”

“You had two. They were thick. It’s my turn,” groused Stephanie, a talented psionic.

Both were struck speechless when the icon St Gridiron, which it seemed was no mere statue, puffed up like a toad.

“But this would be blasphemy to the materialists!” cried Mordecai.

In a grating voice St Gridiron explained, “They have formed an alliance with the couch-potato legions.”

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Devlin du Mauvais Addressed the Lecture Hall

  • by jenwe will use the celebrated diagonal method
  • “just another human being”
  • blur the distinction
  • Jeepers creepers!
  • there is nevertheless always some intangible abstract quality
  • Indeed, the brains of anteaters

Devlin du Mauvais addressed the lecture hall full of nubile coeds and continued his thought, “There is nevertheless always some intangible abstract quality that allows a demon to tell exactly what it is dealing with. ‘Just another human being’ it will think, its amorality allowing it to blur the distinctions we humans make amongst ourselves. Demons care not whether we see ourselves as good or worthy of salvation. Indeed, the brains of anteaters hold more interest for them than do the minds of humankind.”

Jeepers creepers! thought Edna Calfdimple from the doorway where she lurked, eavesdropping. He’s so handsome! I have to take this class next semester.

Dr du Mauvais dismissed the class, and Edna lurked until all the students left, hoping to pluck up the courage to speak to the dashing professor. But before that happened, a trio of sultry raven-haired women entered the lecture hall and surrounded Dr du Mauvais with their identicalness, cooing and touching him.

“Tonight darling brother,” they said in unison, “we will use the celebrated diagonal method.”

Edna blushed furiously and fled.

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The Meeting Was Getting Out of Hand

  • k-avatara variety of lovely agonies
  • being the whore
  • the man with the severed leg
  • an unnatural child born of an unnatural act
  • the cacophony of activity
  • kill him and eat him

The meeting was getting out of hand. The man with the severed leg stood up and waved the bloody thing over his head, screaming. Clay thought the note-taker was likely to kill him and eat him.

Finally the CEO called for order, which somewhat diminished the cacophony of activity. His thunderous voice carried over the tumult. “This is an unnatural child born of an unnatural act, surely in fact from a variety of lovely agonies. In short, a monster.”

Wild cheers met this proclamation. Being the whore he was, the CEO let it wash over him for a full minute. Finally…

“It is my pleasure to announce your promotion, Clay. Don’t ever change.”

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Transformation Into a Wolf

  • k-avatarHi. Hello. Hello? Heh-lo.
  • – Stark naked!
  • grew owl’s wings and talons
  • congenital anonymity
  • muddy boots took up a lot of room

Transformation into a wolf is actually a highly unusual form of lycanthropy. I’ve known only two werewolves, but at least eight people who grew owl’s wings and talons at the new moon. Dozens of weremonkeys, too. But best not to dwell on them.

These unfortunates almost always learn of their plight at dawn, when they awaken in some unfamiliar outdoor locale – Stark naked!

I met Marie on a rooftop that way. She was still groggy, sated with innocent flesh, and slow to wake up.

“Hi. Hello. Hello? Heh-lo.”

At last she discovered her nudity and woke with a gasp. I gallantly offered my coat, and took her downstairs to my condo. We first made love in the hall closet, where muddy boots took up a lot of room. Then we moved on to the kitchen, and finally the bed.

Marie doesn’t remember me. My curse is different from hers. Rather than agonizing metamorphosis into a mindless beast, I suffer from congenital anonymity.

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“Devlin is Such a Scamp!”

  • by jenforcing them to drop their wood
  • kissed each other good morning
  • his manhood in public
  • “Stop him! Stop him!”
  • enormous flocks of ducks
  • wolves, ibex, reindeer
  • reacts in a unique egotistic manner

“Devlin is such a scamp!” exclaimed Minerva du Mauvais to Bogman Bill after they kissed each other good morning, chastely, as was their custom. “Whenever he accomplishes something grand he reacts in a unique egotistic manner by exposing his manhood in public while surrounded by enormous flocks of ducks, wolves, ibex, reindeer, and children. The first time he did this it was so amusing! He paraded past a group of villagers out collecting firewood for the coming winter, forcing them to drop their wood in astonishment at the size and beauty of his man-meat, and causing the faint-of-heart to cry, ‘Stop him! Stop him!’“

She smiled indulgently at the memory.

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In the Darkened Room

  1. k-avatarCharacter – Russian game show host
  2. Setting – behind enemy lines
  3. Object – model trail
  4. Situation – seance

In the darkened room, objects moved though on one was touching them. Some of this was due to the tanks rumbling by, and some due to spirit activity.

The medium and the game show host sat on opposite sides of the small table. Gradually all fell silent.

“Are you here, Mikhail?” the medium asked softly.

There was a rapping sound from the table. “Comrade Bagski, you may talk to Mikhail.”

“Well, Mikhail, answer this one right and you win the model train. Ready?”

The table rose and began to twirl.

“Good! Okay, rap once for true and twice for false: The Romanovs got what they deserved.”

Two distinct rapping sounds were heard.

“Correct!”

The medium was troubled.

“Comrade, isn’t this a very touchy subject for a game?”

Bagski brushed it off.

“It’s the people’s model train anyway, he can’t keep it.”

“For a couple of reasons.”

A sudden bomb-burst shook dust from the ceiling and halted conversation.

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