Tagged: clown

You Know How

  • by jenif you are mind-controlled
  • escaping from his own thoughts
  • that inescapable sappy love ballad
  • “You remind me of a boxer I used to know.”
  • We’re all adults here.

Tune in next time part 367      Click Here for Earlier Installments

You know how, if you are mind-controlled, your thoughts are fuzzy and you feel like a man who is overusing drink as a way of escaping from his own thoughts? That’s how I felt, watching the Crystal Clown and her comical steed Nigel disappear down the beach. My brain was in a fog, but I knew not whether it was hormonal in nature, or due to exhaustion, or if Titania had perhaps poisoned me with an infernal clown toxin. My brothers Jove and Jupiter were both married to clowns, but I had always avoided their ilk as bedmates. One hears so many tales of clown treachery, it seemed wisest to avoid joining any in a compromising position. And yet I had just spent the past hour joined in several of the most compromising of positions with the deadliest clown I’d ever heard of. I counted myself lucky to be alive.

My journey back to my senses was hastened by a quartet of crying infants, as my newborn sons awoke from their naps. I quickly donned my soggy morning suit, and scooped the children into my arms. I assumed they were hungry, but I had nothing to feed them. I settled for singing to them, hoping the lullaby would soothe them for a short while. But I couldn’t remember a single lullaby and had to resort to that inescapable sappy love ballad from Titanic. You know the one.

One of my sons, the chubby bruiser on the left, socked me in the nose with his tiny fist. I chuckled at his grit and said, “You remind me of a boxer I used to know.”

Shortly I made my way back to the zeppelin docking spire. I hoped Fleur was still there in the restaurant at the top, and yet I hoped she wasn’t. It would be incredibly awkward, and perhaps even dangerous, to introduce her to these infant sons of mine. I could only hope that she would take pity on them and feed them, as I was incapable of doing.

The elevator ride to the top of the spire was long, and when I emerged into the rotating restaurant, the babies were once again fussing. Fleur and Isolde and their retinue were easy to spot, as they were the only customers in the place. From the looks of the dishes on the table, they’d barely made it to the 5th course, which left plenty of courses to go.

The first person to spot me was Harry, Isolde’s husband. As attractive as I found Isolde, it was a relief to no longer need to act as her proxy husband. My life was complicated enough at the moment. Harry nudged his wife, who nudged her sister. Fleur looked up from her plate of escargot caramels and spotted me, sandy, damp, and bedecked with infants that were not hers. Her eyebrows arched. With a flick of her wrist she signaled the maître d’ to escort me to her table. Harry bristled and wrapped his arm around Isolde, who sat open-mouthed.

All I could think to say was, “We’re all adults here.”

“Well obviously not,” Fleur said. “Those are babies you’re holding, you idiot, and they look hungry. Hand them to me two at a time, and I shall feed them.” She started to unbutton her top. “And while I do that you can feed me my escargot and explain to me just where these children came from. The last I saw, you were leaving in the elevator with an extremely rotund man.” Her eyes grew wide. “Are these the prophesied Seahorse Children?”

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“I Thought You Would Have Guessed By Now”

  • by jenstuffed with bears
  • a confusion of alternating nightmare and oblivion
  • some crazy hallucinations
  • but a pretext for murders, raids, and pillage
  • on her head

Tune in next time part 365      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I thought you would have guessed by now,” my most recent paramour said with a lazy smile. “I’m Titania.”

My blood ran cold and my heart felt as if it were stuffed with bears scrambling to escape. Titania! The name brought a confusion of alternating nightmare and oblivion, like the worst acid trips of my youth. You yourself may have endured some crazy hallucinations, but I assure you they were nothing compared to what I was currently enduring.

Titania was the sister they never spoke of, the one who scandalized her family and the entire Academy by turning her back on her heritage and embracing the circus life. She’d given up her true name and was known now as the Crystal Clown, and all of her merry antics were but a pretext for murders, raids, and pillage. There was a substantial price on her head, and here she was, lolling naked beside me on the beach. Her proximity to my children filled me with terror.

The Crystal Clown’s smile grew less lazy. “Don’t get so worked up. I got what I came for.”

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Carla’s Enormous Red Clown Shoes

  • by jenI want to examine them
  • robbing a grocery store
  • Come on, say it! Say “April Fool!”
  • does not actually go into the fire
  • torpedoing your most intimate relationships

Tune in next time part 307      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Carla’s enormous red clown shoes flopped and slapped against the ground as she gamboled with her husband. Jove’s shiny black riding boots made him much more nimble. There appeared to be something unusual stuck to their leather soles. I got Tessa’s attention, and through the nimble movements of my eyebrows and the use of the Mexican Painter’s Code, silently indicated his boots and said, “I want to examine them.”

She wriggled her eyebrows in agreement. It felt good to be on the same side as her again, like that rush you get when you’re robbing a grocery store pharmacy.

At long last, Jove allowed himself to be cornered by Carla. He had his back to the bubbling mud pit and raised his hands in surrender.

Carla aimed the oversized flower in her lapel at him and said, “Say my name, bitch! Come on, say it! Say ‘April Fool!’” She waved the flower menacingly.

Tessa’s eyebrows said, “April? I thought her name was Carla.”

My eyebrows shrugged.

Below us, Jove was whimpering “April Fool” over and over, and stripping out of his ringmaster garb. As he doffed each piece of finery, his clownwife scooped it up and tossed it into one of the flames of the ceremonial torches in each corner. Until he got to his hat. He removed it reverently from his head and said, “Remember, this does not actually go into the fire,” and placed it atop her rainbow wig.

As she pulled a tube of greasepaint from her pocket and squirted a healthy portion onto her hands while eyeing up my naked brother, I decided I’d had enough. I dropped down from the rafters, and said, “Pardon me for torpedoing your most intimate relationships, Jove, but I think your boots are my ticket off this island.”

I scooped the patent leather footwear off the floor of the hut, and the jodhpurs, too, when I remembered that I was naked.

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Clinging To The Rafter

  • by Kentboth moved to laughter as they gazed upon it
  • these are aphrodisiacs
  • That’s kind of a nice thing
  • a foot in a sock
  • crazy like a fox — and just as hard to corner

Tune in next time part 306      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Clinging to the rafter, I worried that Carla or Jove would glance up and spot us. I worried that Jason would sneeze and give us away. I worried, a little, that John or Tessa would cause us to be noticed, but they’re competent agents with whom I’ve been in worse situations before.

But what I should have been worrying about was the spectacle that was about to unfold below my hiding place.

Jove doffed his top hat and reached inside, where he found another ceramic animal figurine. I didn’t get to see what it was before he popped it into his own mouth. He and Carla then kissed, her round red nose squeaking softly against his cheek. When they drew apart, a strand of elastic material stretched between their mouths, and by its color I knew it was ceramic animals, which must not have been ceramic at all. Some kind of gum, evidently, and whatever the flavor Carla and Jove were both moved to laughter as they gazed upon its droopy wet slackness.

Jove took another curio from his hat and said, “They do taste funny, but these are aphrodisiacs. That’s kind a nice thing to have in a hat, don’t you think?”

“Even nicer than a foot in a sock,” Carla simpered, leaning in for another kiss and getting the horny gum all over his tailcoat.

“You know I’m crazy about you,” Jove slurred into their kiss. He raised his head then, and went on, “Crazy like a fox — and just as hard to corner!”

And thus commenced a tedious sex game wherein she chased him around the hut pretending he was too nimble for her to catch him. It lasted hours. I tried to arrange myself so that if I dozed I wouldn’t fall off my perch.

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With a Shrug, Jason and I Stripped

  • by jen“Here I am and in I’m coming.”
  • frantic desire to throw his feet in the air
  • a total of five times
  • with a ceramic squirrel
  • he gave a muffled buzz

Tune in next time part 305      Click Here for Earlier Installments

With a shrug, Jason and I stripped. We were twins after all, so seeing each other naked was just like looking in a mirror. It was a relief to be out of my burlap sack from the submarine.

We lined up behind John, with Tessa bringing up the rear. As I belatedly wondered where John’s escape plane could be hidden, and why its captain would insist on nudity from his passengers, all sounds from outside the hut ceased. The eerie quiet was breached moments later by waves of whispers from the squabbling Fire Eaters and TechnoPagans in the village.

“The King!” they whisper-shouted. “The King!”

There followed a ceremonial fanfare played upon honking clown noses, and then an all-too-familiar voice said, right outside our temple hut, “Here I am and in I’m coming.” It was either Jove or Jupiter.

Jason’s eyes went wide and I could read upon his face his frantic desire to throw his feet in the air and flee. I’m not sure where he picked up such an unusual sprinting technique, but I’d seen him use it a total of five times.

The sixth time would not be now, because there was only one way out of this hut and it led straight into Jove’s arms. Unless they were Jupiter’s.

Tessa leapt up and grabbed the rafter above her head, and pulled herself up onto it. In a snap, John, Jason, and I all followed her. The four of us yanked our dangling legs up just as the packing tape strips over the doorway parted, flooding the interior of the temple hut with moonlight.

I watched from above as my brother, still in his flamboyant ringmaster garb, rode into the room upon the back of his clown wife. I recognized them as Jove and Carla. Once they thought they were alone, Jove climbed down and Carla rose to her feet. Jove said, “Thank you my darling,” and presented her with a ceramic squirrel small enough to fit in her mouth, which is where she put it. She gave a muffled buzz of contentment.

Jove was so tall, his top hat was mere inches below our hiding place. If Carla looked up she would see us, and that would be a disaster.

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Jason Folded His Arms Flamboyantly

  • by jenchocolate ice cream on his upper lip
  • “No, that isn’t elegant.”
  • only I can see her
  • the rat-faced one
  • I’m pissed off and grossed out

Tune in next time part 287                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Jason folded his arms flamboyantly across his chest, but his posturing was ruined by the chocolate ice cream on his upper lip. Not that the mimes noticed or cared. They all pretended to clap.

I laid Tesla in the underbrush and moved rapidly to a position in the shadows, but still near enough to Jason that I could pounce on him if necessary.

The woman who had been singing before Jason’s arrival started up again, a bastardized version of Frosty the Snowman this time. As she sang she stepped into the firelight. Her face was obscured behind a thick layer of whiteface and a big red rubber nose. She approached my brother, holding out the ruffled muff of a clown as if it were a lei.

Jason shook his head. “No, that isn’t elegant.” He took a step backward when she insisted. “It will ruin the lines of my cape.” He couldn’t retreat any further without stepping into the fire.

The woman worked her reply into her song. “Remove your cape, you won’t need it anyway.”

Oh shit. This was some sort of mime/clown fertility ritual. I recognized the trappings now that it was too late to do anything about it.

Jason dropped his cape beside the bonfire. The mimes all tied imaginary blindfolds over their eyes. The woman slipped out of her rainbow striped leotard, exposing the robotic unicorn tattoo on her ass.

Tessa!

I murmured to myself, “With the mimes all blindfolded, only I can see her true identity.”

One of the mimes, the rat-faced one on the far right, cocked his head like he’d heard me. And suddenly I didn’t care.

As Tessa and Jason embraced in a greasy smear of makeup and squeaking nose noises, I strode out and said, “I’m pissed off and grossed out in equal measure. What the hell do you think you’re doing, Tessa? I thought we meant something to each other, and here you are naked with my brother!”

Unfortunately my tirade woke Tesla, who jumped to her feet, suddenly reminding me that I’d slept with several of Tessa’s sisters and probably didn’t have any grounds for my outburst.

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From My Many Prophetic Dreams

  • by jen(whoops, was that a spoiler?)
  • sold it for $500 in December
  • the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment
  • “Couldn’t do it but one time.”
  • our typography does not allow such a character

Tune in next time part 277                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fom my many prophetic dreams I knew that my death would not come from being sacrificed by, or to, clowns. My eventual death would not involve clowns at all (whoops, was that a spoiler?). Tesla’s death I was less sure of.

“I recognize your altar, Jupiter,” I said. “And I know that there should be another just like it. A twin, if you will, belonging to your twin.”

Jove gave his whip a lazy crack and Carla turned around so they were facing me. “I sold it for $500 in December so that I could buy tickets to see my favorite band, the Stanford Marshmallow Experiment at their farewell concert.” He looked wistful. “Couldn’t do it but one time.” With a glare at Jupiter he said, “Even though we had two altars.”

“As I explained at the time,” Jupiter sniffed, “they were only playing one concert. There was no reason to sell both altars. You got to see your ridiculous band and now we’re still able to carry out the necessary sacrifices.”

“I could have gotten better tickets, you $&!!@#”

I’m afraid that our typography does not allow such a character or group of characters to adequately capture the depth and breadth of the foulness of Jove’s language. My diversion was working quite well, unfortunately Tesla was so stunned by the barrage of filth flowing from my brother’s mouth that she did not make a break for it.

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“Ladies and Gentlemen!”

  • by jengot to the edge of a very big wood
  • He and Carla never had sex
  • she found in the basement
  • on file with the DMV
  • she sank into my uncle’s arms

Tune in next time part 275                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Jupiter cried. “Direct your attention to the center ring!”

Of course, this being a shack, there was only the one ring. Jove cracked his whip and both of the clowns lifted their rainbow-bewigged heads from the carpet. With my brothers perched daintily on their backs, the clowns crawled on hands and knees until they got to the edge of a very big wooden coffee table.

A crack of Jove’s whip motivated his clown to climb atop the coffee table, and I saw for the first time that under the big red nose and oversized bowtie, this clown was a female. Seconds later I realized it was Jove’s wife Carla. From the letter that accompanied their Christmas card every year, I knew far more than I cared to about Jove and Carla’s marriage. He and Carla never had sex on the trapeze she found in the basement until they were both properly licensed and those licenses were on file with the DMV. That sort of thing.

Jupiter rose to his feet atop his clown. His shiny knee-high boots were obscured by colorful ruffles, and his black silk top hat brushed against the balloon animals along the ceiling. I wondered if he was married to his clown, too. Jupiter’s first wife, Juno, was out of the picture. Their marriage hadn’t even lasted through the reception. Uncle Jinx skipped the ceremony, and arrived at the reception looking quite debonaire in his tuxedo. Jupiter introduced the two, she sank into my uncle’s arms, and that was that. But perhaps he had remarried.

“Jove and Carla will prepare the altar for the sacrifice!” Jupiter announced, looking pointedly at Tesla and myself.

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I Wanted to Stop the Man in the Pink Bathrobe

  • by jenthey castrated people all the time
  • no choice but to watch him go
  • the only dollar he had
  • stepped purposefully out into the living room
  • the blue of an equatorial sky

Tune in next time part 273                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

I wanted to stop the man in the pink bathrobe and ask him if my brothers still ruled this island, and if — as they did a decade ago — they castrated people all the time, but he moved so quickly that I had no choice but to watch him go through the door like he was chasing the only dollar he had left in the world.

Tesla and I looked at each other, then turned to flee and ran straight into the arms of our beefy mime escorts. The two of them were utterly silent as they twisted our arms behind our backs and marched us through the door into the shack. Inside was a sort of cloak room, with another door at the other end. The mimes blocked the exit and glared at us until we opened the inner door and stepped purposefully out into the living room of the shack.

The walls were painted the blue of an equatorial sky, and the ceiling was obscured by multitudes of tropical birds fashioned from colorful balloons. Across the green shag carpet from where Tesla and I stood, my brothers Jupiter and Jove sat regally side-by-side on the backs of prostrated clowns, casually toasting marshmallows with their fiery exhalations.

But what made my blood run cold was their matching ringmaster garb. Things were much more dire than I had ever imagined.

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Ed Attended the Matinee Performance

  • by jenEd combed the circus
  • like dead men’s knuckles
  • a boiled egg rolled away
  • the unlucky and the morally dyslexic
  • came up to his armpits
  • a small pudgy thing with a huge curved bone

Ed attended the matinee performance of the Circus of the Unlucky and the Morally Dyslexic and had the misfortune to be pulled out of the audience by one of the clowns, a small pudgy thing with a huge curved bone through his nose, and a rainbow wig. The skit he was shanghaied into ended with the audience roaring, and Ed buried in a pile of food that came up to his armpits and soiled his new souvenir t-shirt while a boiled egg rolled away and was trampled by a miniature pony. Its crackling shell made a noise like dead men’s knuckles.

A female clown led Ed backstage to get cleaned up, and they began a passionate affair. Every evening after the final performance, Ed combed the circus girl’s hair in a display of affection.

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