Tagged: clothes

“In Any Case, Mr Roosevelt”

  • by jenIn any case, Mr Roosevelt
  • well, that’s one thing
  • relief evident in his expression
  • huge and hairy man clad in
  • a considerable extra expense
  • stroked his luxuriant moustache

“In any case, Mr Roosevelt,” Tammy said as she stroked his luxuriant moustache, “it would be a considerable extra expense.”

The president knew that there was relief evident in his expression. It was so difficult to find an escort willing to engage in a menage a trios with himself and a huge and hairy man clad in lederhosen and glitter.

“Well, that’s one thing I’m prepared to pay extra for, honey.”

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“Rude Drivers. They Kill People.”

  • k-avatara man in a white spacesuit
  • the greedy bastards
  • workers washing their boots
  • the pilots had been drinking
  • They kill people
  • code word to alert the bodyguard

“Rude drivers. They kill people.”

Steve returned to his magazine, hoping to read in peace until take-off. A man in a white spacesuit had the seat beside him, and seemed determined to pry into Steve’s reasons for everything, up to and including his choice of air travel over the highway.

As he read an article about workers washing their boots as part of a work stoppage, the greedy bastards striking for more pay and more days off, Steve heard a commotion in first class. Some celebrity and his whole entourage were trying to leave the cabin, the spoiled celeb calling out “guacamole!” over and over.

It must have been a code word to alert the bodyguard that the pilots had been drinking.

 

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Ed Attended the Matinee Performance

  • by jenEd combed the circus
  • like dead men’s knuckles
  • a boiled egg rolled away
  • the unlucky and the morally dyslexic
  • came up to his armpits
  • a small pudgy thing with a huge curved bone

Ed attended the matinee performance of the Circus of the Unlucky and the Morally Dyslexic and had the misfortune to be pulled out of the audience by one of the clowns, a small pudgy thing with a huge curved bone through his nose, and a rainbow wig. The skit he was shanghaied into ended with the audience roaring, and Ed buried in a pile of food that came up to his armpits and soiled his new souvenir t-shirt while a boiled egg rolled away and was trampled by a miniature pony. Its crackling shell made a noise like dead men’s knuckles.

A female clown led Ed backstage to get cleaned up, and they began a passionate affair. Every evening after the final performance, Ed combed the circus girl’s hair in a display of affection.

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Felix is Plotting a Rampage

  • by jenthe plight of the American stockbroker
  • with a long-lost sister
  • dancing the wicked flamenco
  • are they being worn by non-members?
  • he will not hesitate to shoot you, whether you voted for him or not

Felix is plotting a rampage at the school’s Homecoming dance. He’s in the running for Homecoming King, but don’t assume you’re safe if he wins. He’s so disgruntled he will will not hesitate to shoot you, whether you voted for him or not. So go ahead and vote for whoever you think is cutest, or whatever the criteria are for the position.

You may well ask why Felix is so bent on dancing the wicked flamenco of destruction. He told me he is concerned for the plight of the American stockbroker. I think he was being facetious.

My theory involves Felix’s recent meeting with a long-lost sister in which she expressed her horror at the thought of outsiders wearing country club jackets to the dance. Have you heard anything about this? Are they being worn by non-members? And if so, is that a call to arms?

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“Are You Telepathic?”

  • k-avatarand feeling for a zipper
  • and a felt hat like a helmet
  • Are you telepathic?
  • Better than getting drunk!
  • the finest esprit de corps the world has ever known
  • Also 50 yards of extension cord

“Are you telepathic?”

“No, why do you ask?”

“Because if you were, I wouldn’t have to waste time speaking aloud. But, unless you’re hiding your true abilities behind a bland denial, I suppose speech is going to be necessary.”

“Does anyone ever say yes?”

“One man did once, and elderly fellow with a bow tie and a felt hat like a helmet. I thought about cars at him, and he stumbled away swearing and feeling for a zipper. So I think he was lying.”

“How about you? Can you read minds?”

“Sometimes. Better than getting drunk! But I need two live doves to make it work. Also 50 yards of extension cord.”

Telepaths have the finest esprit de corps the world has ever known.

“I quite agree.”

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“No, no, no, no, no, Chico!”

  • by jenhe was like a cat pouncing
  • immobility his eyebrow moved
  • noticed the colour of your dressing gown
  • rather the Latin temperament
  • Not even a compromising bequest!
  • a most awkward mistake
  • They die, yes

“No, no, no, no, no, Chico!” screamed Thelonious Tharp, and Chico Desideria knew that once again he had made a most awkward mistake. Chico both admired and despised his choreographer and mentor, Thelonious. Admired him for the way that when he danced he was like a cat pouncing, despised him because he possessed rather the Latin temperament and made no move to disguise it.

Chico knew what mistake he’d made this time. He was supposed to prance and cavort, leap awkwardly in time to the arrhythmic music, and then freeze. But despite his required immobility his eyebrow moved. Thelonious was livid, as usual.

“Chico, today when you left the dressing room I noticed the colour of your dressing gown had changed and I hoped that your attitude had changed along with your sartorial choices. I was wrong! You are as useless as ever! And you know, don’t you Chico, what the parents of one as unimpressive as you do? They die, yes, die! Of shame! And they leave nothing to their disappointing offspring, Chico. Not even a compromising bequest!”

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No Farmworker Would Have Dreamed

  • by jenthe rest of his orchestrated performance
  • moving in slow, sensuous circles
  • playing vixenish games
  • You dolt! You’re freezing!
  • mock anger crystallized into the real thing
  • he heard a very feminine “oo-oh!”
  • no farmworker would have dreamed

No farmworker would have dreamed that one of their own kind would have success in the high class world of cruise ship performers, but here Bubba was, standing in the wings, wearing his elaborately spangled costume, waiting to make his high-seas dance debut. He heard a very feminine “oo-oh!”, his cue to take the stage and begin moving in slow, sensuous circles with the other dancers around the female singer. The air conditioning was turned up full blast to cope with the heat generated by so many bodies exerting themselves, dancing and singing on stage, playing vixenish games backstage.

Finally it was Bubba’s moment to shine. The singer was singing her angry song, telling all the men how worthless they were. Bubba swooped in, just like they’d rehearsed it, and swept her high into the air above his head. But in that instant the singer’s mock anger crystallized into the real thing.

“You dolt! You’re freezing!” she hissed to Bubba.

After that Bubba found it difficult to go on with the rest of his orchestrated performance, but he remembered the other farmworkers who looked up to him, and that gave him the strength he needed to go on.

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As I Walked Past the Boot Department

  • k-avatarthe Russian seemed to almost deflate
  • in a silver sequin hunting outfit topped with a plumed hat
  • turned my blood to icy slush
  • it hurt more
  • ivory fans, flamenco shoes
  • past the boot department

As I walked past the boot department of the Vladivostok Marks and Spencer, I beheld a sight that turned my blood to icy slush.

Igor had found me, and there he stood in a silver sequin hunting outfit topped with a plumed hat, in his hands ivory fans, flamenco shoes on his tiny, awkward feet.

The Russian seemed to almost deflate as my horror manifested as mad cackling, and it hurt more to see his disappointment than it had to pull out the arrow he shot into my buttock in Prague.

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Roger Joined the Crowd

  • by jena ceremony of solemnity and grandeur
  • caught her round the waist
  • fairly jigging with frustration
  • governmental-seeming buildings
  • device in the leather bindings

Roger joined the crowd approaching the governmental-seeming buildings to see what all the fuss was about. They were fairly jigging with frustration for the gates to open. Roger came to the slow understanding that the buildings were not governmental, but religious, but by then it was too late and he could not escape the throng’s gravity. He was swept inside on a surge of humanity and grudgingly took up a position near the middle.

Like all religious rites, Roger expected this to be a ceremony of solemnity and grandeur and was prepared to be very bored. His attitude changed when the curtains were drawn back, exposing a large aquarium which housed an enormous blue octopus. A young woman wearing a leafy headdress and a pink bikini was lowered over the tank and began to sing. Apparently there was a microphonic device in the leather bindings suspending her, because Roger could hear her quite well. Her voice was not very good.

Just then, the octopus reached one long cerulean tentacle out of the water and caught her round the waist.

Her amplified screams rang through the building, and her safety tether snapped.

Roger looked away as her leafy headdress slipped beneath the waves.

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Maxine Stared Longingly

  • by jenbe a hard bargainer!
  • that’s where all the Greek gods live
  • like a spinning mouse
  • began to pick the dust and rocks off them
  • on her knees before me
  • but also a pathological walking delusion

Maxine stared longingly at the fraternity house and said, “That’s where all the Greek gods live.” She was on her knees before me, so I told her to stand. Her pants were covered with road dirt and she began to pick the dust and rocks off them, her hands darting about like a spinning mouse.

Maxine had a neatness obsession, but also a pathological walking delusion which made it impossible for her to go anywhere alone. I am her paid companion. I earn a good salary and even have health insurance. My advice to anyone negotiating an employment contract is be a hard bargainer!

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