Tagged: cheese

As Luck Would Have It

  • by jenI should have warned you.
  • their color-coded jackets
  • supple lilac leather
  • as fascinating as they are adorable
  • took off her crown and started beating him with it

Tune in next time part 907       Click Here for Earlier Installments

As luck would have it, I am a seventh-order digital mystic. I should have warned you. I’m sure you’re surprised because digital mystics are known for their color-coded jackets which make it easy to tell the orders apart, and I never wear mine. I’d loved the supple lilac leather moto jacket I was awarded upon ascending to the seventh order — those things are as fascinating as they are adorable! — but, it was stolen from me years ago. I was attending a family function at the White House when my parents got into a heated argument. My father (the president) arrived late, with one of his many mistresses on his arm. My mother (then vice-president) took off her crown and started beating him with it. The brawl escalated quickly and I stepped in to prevent it from becoming (another) international incident. When I returned to my seat, my resplendent purple jacket was gone. I always suspected Jason of the theft, but now that I knew my memory had been tampered with, my suspicions fell on the mysteriously unknown Ursula.

My thumbs danced across the phone screen, forcing the nanobots to do a hard restart. The pharma woman was distracted by the cheese plate, so I surreptitiously pocketed her phone.

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“Perhaps They Have More Camembert”

  • by jenMy shaman and I
  • Since being bludgeoned by the octopus
  • not, however, universally popular among actual rappers
  • “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
  • with a plaster cast of her dead husband’s hand

Tune in next time part 741      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Perhaps they have more camembert in the galley,” I said as calmly as I could. I tried to arrange the babies above water and my legs underwater to thwart Fleur’s probing hands. The last thing I needed was for her to find Tessa now.

“My shaman and Isolde both told me today would be a good day,” Fleur pouted. “Since being bludgeoned by the octopus at the zamboni entrance is a good omen, I believed them. Like a fool.” She stared into my eyes and said forlornly, “The magic camembert is gone. Jason ate all of it but that one last piece.”

I should have foreseen that. THC-laced cheeses are hot on the wedding rap circuit, even if they are not, however, universally popular among actual rappers. “Is Jason still aboard?” I asked. “You could have him searched for any cheese he might be smuggling.”

“No,” Fleur said. “When I wouldn’t let him have that last wedge, he said, ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home.’ and strapped on a parachute.”

I was desperate to get the sisters out of my bathroom so I could get Tessa out of my bathtub. I was so desperate that I decided to lie. “On my rounds earlier I saw a cheese hamper under the portrait of your grandmother. You know, the one with a plaster cast of her dead husband’s hand on top of her head.”

“Her coronation portrait?” Fleur was intrigued. The drugs in her system were working in my favor. “I’ll send someone to check.”

“Don’t you think you had better go yourself? You don’t want anyone else to bogart it. Isolde can go with you to help you carry it. It looked like an awfully heavy cheese hamper.”

My gorgeous sister-in-law cocked one eyebrow at me. Perhaps I’d pushed things too far.

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