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“You See There Are Three of Us”

  • k-avatarafter tonight there will be four
  • baby, I won’t joke with you
  • check the gun room
  • keeping Enzo from whispering sweet nothings
  • — and those crocodiles

Tune In Next Time Part 49                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“You see there are three of us,” Oscar said, gesturing with his chin at the men flanking me. “After tonight there will be four. You will be called back. Recycled. Pensacola will be remembered.”

“Baby, I won’t joke with you,” I replied. “I can’t come back. Much as I want to.” My only chance was to confuse them. “You know Pensacola couldn’t be helped. Florida dumpsters, man. Alligators.”

“Those were American crocs, you ignoramus!” Oscar hissed.

“I know, sorry. I got confused. You know that’s how I am. Why I forgot to check the gun room before my run that night.”

The other two garbagemen muttered behind me, and I realized I knew them. I had met them in Milan. Oscar glared at Alonzo, keeping Enzo from whispering sweet nothings in his ear. They were becoming distracted, which was what I wanted, but now I had become intrigued. Italian scab sanitation workers posing as union muscle? It couldn’t be a coincidence that the Pensacola debacle was being dredged up after all this time — and those crocodiles…

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Oscar and the Other Two Sanitation Workers

  • by jen“Tell me, Ludovico,”
  • feeling the wind rush by
  • I met the bastard’s eye
  • very drunk
  • a superbly embossed plated coal-scuttle

Tune In Next Time Part 48                              Click Here for Earlier Installments

Oscar and the two other sanitation workers were upon me more quickly than I’d anticipated.

“Tell me, Ludovico,” Oscar said, spitting out my alias with such malevolent force that his stinking breath ruffled my hair, reminding me of feeling the wind rush by during my recent helicopter trip, “tell me again about the Pensacola dumpsters.”

I met the bastard’s eye and had no doubt that he was very drunk. The blue tinge on his lips told me he’d been drinking Barbicide again. That meant he and his cronies had been holed up in the barber shop for a long time, surveilling the church where Jason and Uncle Jinx thought they were safe. Where Lyudmila was now. I fretted for her safety, but tried not to let it show.

A grin split Oscar’s round face, revealing not teeth, but a detailed grill reminiscent of a superbly embossed plated coal-scuttle, inset with emeralds. Bad news for me, because that grill was a symbol of the highest rank in the sanitation workers union. It meant he had the authority to command every garbage man in the city.

I threw a look back over my shoulder, trying to decide if I could make it to the chopper if I sprinted.

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I Lost a Lot of Sleep

  • by jenI lost a lot of sleep
  • save for spasmodic jumping
  • sing and rejoice
  • According to your own statistics
  • already shedding clothes

Tune In Next Time Part 44                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

I lost a lot of sleep a decade ago when I heard that my beloved Great Uncle Jinx’s plane went down in the Andes. I don’t remember much about what I did with all those hours of insomnia, save for spasmodic jumping back and forth between the two twin mattresses, my cell being too small for effective pacing. Seeing him alive now should make me want to sing and rejoice, but instead it filled me with questions.

“According to your own statistics, Uncle Jinxy,” I said, very carefully not lisping, “we stand a better chance outside, where we have room to scatter.” I knew damn well that Jinx Damocles believed no such thing. This was a test to smoke out yet another potential impostor in a week already too full of them.

Jinx Damocles stared at me with his one good eye. “If that were your plan, you’d be already shedding clothes.”

I grinned. It was really him!

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“You’re Not Going to Fall For That, Are You?”

  • k-avatarwith a purposeful grimace
  • going off one after the other
  • played some all-night poker games
  • also called “blood sugar”
  • if the plane crash hadn’t killed him

Tune In Next Time Part 43                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“You’re not going to fall for that, are you?” I asked Lyudmila. She kept glancing back and forth between us, her initial shock and confusion replaced with a purposeful grimace. “Come on,” I said, “listen to him. He’s the one lisping.”

“That proovthe nothing,” Jason retorted. “We’re twinnth! We both lithp!”

“I’m not lisping now,” I pointed out. That Lyudmila was still struggling with the situation had alarm bells in my head going off one after the other. In sunnier times I’d played some all-night poker games with her, so I knew it was hopeless trying to read her expressions. Jason knew it too, which was why he still wore his malevolent grin.

Maybe those card games held the key to convincing her, though. Jason knew about the games, and had probably memorized a tally of who’d won every pot, but perhaps his sources hadn’t explained to him the peculiar house rule of jacks-over-queens, also called “blood sugar” or “sang-sucre,” that had wrecked so many of her full houses through the years. Still, she was always the winningest player at the table.

Before I could offer a poker-related anecdote that would confirm my identity, we were interrupted by a shadowy figure. “All of you, into the basement. There’s no time to waste,” said the familiar, grizzled voice. In silhouette, he could clearly be seen to be missing his left arm. Things were more confusing than ever. It was our great-uncle Jinx Damocles, whose presence in a church would have been surprising even if the plane crash hadn’t killed him.

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Despite Jason’s Protestations

  • by jenunder the influence of a magnetic force
  • spasmodic efforts to smile
  • all alone — at night
  • the jury convicted Kelly
  • We passed upon the stairs

Tune In Next Time Part 42                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Despite Jason’s protestations, Lyudmila and I were under the influence of a magnetic force that drew our lips together again and again. Some might call it love, but I knew better. We made out in the entryway of the little church while my brother glared at us and made spasmodic efforts to smile, trying to look like he didn’t really mind, but he and I are twins and I could tell just what he was thinking. He was plotting to get me away from Lyudmila, and everyone else. He wanted me all alone — at night preferably, when the darkness would cloak him more effectively than his ostentatious stage garb ever could, and in that darkness he would make me pay for what had happened with Tessa, and what was happening now with Lyudmila, and most of all for everything that befell Kelly, the love of his life. It wasn’t my fault the jury convicted Kelly and not me, but Jason would never listen to me about that. We passed upon the stairs in the courthouse after my testimony, and that’s the last I saw him before today.

When finally I had reviewed all of the details of that sordid event, and when I was done kissing Lyudmila, I turned to him and said, “Jason.”

His lips twitched into a twisted grin. “Who are you calling Jason, Jason?”

Lyudmila gasped and took a step away from me. Her eyes flitted between me and my duplicitous twin, not knowing which of us was really Jason and which of us was really me.

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Lyudmila Speared Me With Her Gaze

  • k-avatarescape from one calamity
  • in a variety of frownings and snortings
  • I’d like to have another kiss
  • no longer aimless
  • “I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime.”

Tune In Next Time Part 39                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Lyudmila speared me with her gaze through the sights of her pistol, and I could tell she recognized me instantly. Secret service agents began diving on top of Freya, thinking they were protecting the president. Soon they were heaped up to the ceiling. Aunt Züg flung herself behind the dogpile.

That left just Lyudmila, the phony Tessa, and me.

The strange noise coming from Not-Tessa climbed in pitch and volume, then she bolted for the exit, moving with superhuman speed. Rather than give chase, Lyudmila kept me squarely in her sights and approached. “Forget her,” she said, still training the weapon on me. “Let’s go, back steps.”

Story of my life, to escape from one calamity by being engulfed in another. At least this meant the conspirators in the White House didn’t have the real treasure, which was with the real Tessa. I hoped. As she directed me along the passages, Lyudmila finished ridding herself of cake and toothpaste in a variety of frownings and snortings. “You don’t need the gun,” I told her. “I should be thanking you.”

“Shut up,” she said. “Do you know what I’ve been through to track you down? And where the hell is John?” I shrugged, my thoughts and concerns now aimless. Much as I worried about Tessa, I couldn’t help thinking how I’d like to have another kiss from Lyudmila. “Well? Where is John!” she demanded.

“You told me to shut up,” I said. “And anyway, I have no idea where he is, or Tessa. And I think we need to find them.” My concerns were no longer aimless. “Something’s going on here, and one or both of them are mixed up in it.”

Suddenly Lyudmila collapsed in tears. She holstered the Glock and said, “Don’t you think I know that?” After three great, heaving sobs, she said, “I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime.”

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Tessa Lowered Her Hood As Directed

  • by jenShe trembled and twitched
  • throb of blood-vessels in my ears
  • worms were in a frenzy
  • the nude celebrity site
  • Others were silent.

Tune In Next Time Part 38                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Tessa lowered her hood as directed, and stood. Something about her seemed wrong, her movements were not the fluid, graceful motions of the girl I knew so long ago. She trembled and twitched, her skin seeming to crawl across her frame. The throb of blood-vessels in my ears sounded as if my head were packed full of worms and the worms were in a frenzy. I hadn’t been this disturbed since the time I saw my father’s scandalous pictures on the nude celebrity site.

“Never mind about those ninjas and pirates,” I said, forgetting to employ Jason’s trademark lisp. “That’s not Tessa! That’s an impostor!”

Not-Tessa twisted her head to look at me, emitting a faint keening sound. Some of the secret service agents began muttering into their radios. Others were silent.

“Then I suppose we are all impostors!” The voice came from the direction of the birthday cake on the table, which suddenly erupted, pelting us all with chocolate crumbs and minty blue frosting. On the platter, Lyudmila, contortionist and John’s sister, finished unfolding herself and stood, brandishing a Glock.

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The Bikini-Clad Woman’s Eyes

  • k-avatarwe now must say goodbye
  • had kept his word
  • large, surgically enhanced breasts
  • stretched across a cartilaginous scaffolding
  • fluffed the pillow

Tune In Next Time Part 27                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The bikini-clad woman’s eyes forgot me the moment they strayed to more appealing scenery. Mine, meanwhile, forgot to stop staring at her. She didn’t seem to mind, because it seemed she didn’t notice. She cocked her head to one side, her gaze riveted to the horizon far out to sea.

I turned to find out what had her so preoccupied. It was a tall ship, a three-masted frigate. It was too distant to make out the colors it flew, but in light of all else that had happened I knew it could mean only one thing.

“I’m afraid we now must say goodbye to the ocean,” I told the woman in the two-piece. The ship was approaching fast, making me more certain every second that I knew what vessel it was. If Heinrich had kept his word this wouldn’t be happening, or if Jorgensen hadn’t kept his.

She crossed her arms beneath her large, surgically enhanced breasts and raised one eyebrow at me. The skin around her eye was unnaturally thin, and stretched across a cartilaginous scaffolding. The eye itself was glass. “But then I’d miss my ride,” she lilted. “I hope Captain Jorgensen warmed my bunk for me, or at least fluffed the pillow.”

Dammit. As if things weren’t complicated enough, I was about to be shanghaied by the pirate-ninja alliance.

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Listening in Vain for Ninjas

  • by jenexplosives placed inside
  • exposing a great deal more of her breast than she had intended
  • may have picked up a knife
  • “You should hire one.”
  • suck it in

Tune In Next Time Part 26                              Click Here for Earlier Installments

Listening in vain for ninjas, I thought about the explosives placed inside some of the rolls of cash Tessa had run off with. The thought of her blowing up was troubling, but not as troubling as the thought of her discovering what was hidden in the remaining rolls of cash.

I was there the day John’s sister Lyudmila made all of those tight, fancy cash bundles. She’d been a sushi chef before John dragged her into his life of danger. She had a real flair for creating dramatic presentations of both raw fish and cold hard cash. Lyudmila made a show of tucking one of the wads of currency, done up like an ebi nigiri, into her bra. Her smile turned into a blush as she realized she was exposing a great deal more of her breast than she had intended.

Looking back I don’t think it was an accident. That was the night Lyudmila and I became lovers, the night Tessa and I had our first fight. I think John put Lyudmila up to it. He’d always had his eye on Tessa.

Thoughts of irate sushi chefs and their unhinged brothers made me think that Tessa may have picked up a knife before she left the movie set. The craft services table was littered with cutlery. If she had armed herself I could fear less for her safety and more for my own.

Alert for John’s return, or attacking ninjas, or Tessa waiting in ambush, I scuffled my way across the sand, following Tessa’s footprints.

“Hey,” called a female voice. “Are you the personal trainer?”

I turned and saw a gorgeous woman in a bikini coming out of one of the dressing trailers. She took one look at me and said, “I guess not.” She wrinkled her nose. “You should hire one.” Her blue eyes danced over my body in my soaking wet clothes. “In the meantime, suck it in.”

Ouch.

 

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I Limped Away From the Feast

  • k-avatarswim in his blood
  • makes her look tired and crazy at the same time
  • did not have a telephone herself
  • a human hand with two severed fingers clutched in its palm
  • arranged a reunion

Tune In Next Time Part 25                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

I limped away from the feast on the craft services table, back to where the sand was darkened by my blood. Tessa’s tracks led away to the right, John’s to the left. Good. Now I had to hope fate hadn’t arranged a reunion for them somewhere in the city.

And I had to hope Tessa wouldn’t start spending the money from the box. If she unrolled the bills, she might find the real treasure. Someone had to be there with her when she saw it. Even after all her shady dealings with me, she didn’t deserve to confront that alone.

The blood-drenched patch of sand drew my attention. Not because it was my blood, but because of the NSFW insignia (a human hand with two severed fingers clutched in its palm) that someone had crudely etched there. They must have done it after I got up, and I’d been standing only a few feet away ever since.

Ninjas. I hate those guys.

It appeared that my ruse with John might turn out to be true after all. Warning Tessa would be so simple, but my phone had been ruined and she did not have a telephone herself. She adamantly refused to carry one, because she said someone being fixated on a screen held in her hand makes her look tired and crazy at the same time.

With a little luck, it would be John that the ninjas were really after. “Go get him,” I muttered, knowing it was only too likely that one of them could hear me. “Swim in his blood.”

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