Tagged: bonus points

My Flight-Departure Gambit

  • by Kentthree grotesque human figures
  • and her boyfriend Dennis
  • a single powerful bite
  • It’ll be a great workout
  • Brooklyn Bridge costume

Tune in next time part 312      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My flight-departure gambit was having no effect on the torchlit baccanal in the temple hut, so I switched to the direct approach.

“Tessa! We need to go now!”

She wrenched her face away from Jove’s and glared at me. Reflected in her eyes were three grotesque human figures and her boyfriend Dennis from her undercover days after Academy. I blinked, realizing that the fourth shadowy reflection was in fact my own, with Jason’s appearing as an uncanny echo. Dennis was long dead.

“Come on!” I beseeched her upside-down face. “We have to get out of here.”

But she shook her head, her hair flaring like a poodle skirt from her inverted scalp. “I have my own way out. But you should take John, if you can pry him loose from Carla.” She resumed kissing Jove, her passion so great it seemed she would devour his head in a single powerful bite.

“Let’s drag John out of here,” Jason lisped with a shrug. When my expression fell, he added, “It’ll be a great workout.”

It was strenuous, but nothing about it was great. All of us were slippery and Carla didn’t want to let John leave. In thrall to the aphrodisiac Jove gave her, she didn’t want to let any of us leave. Jason showed himself fully willing and able to take advantage of this, so I secured John in a headlock and she welcomed Jason in exchange.

“Aunt Xylona! We’re on our way!” I shouted while John strained to escape my grasp. I passed backwards through the slats covering the door of the hut, feeling as foolish as the Statue of Liberty wearing a Brooklyn Bridge costume.

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“That Aphrodisiac Gum Sure Packs a Punch”

  • by jentransported out west
  • in the grip of the headache
  • picture of the burly child
  • holding her indelicately by the shoulders
  • already commenced incipient flirtations

Tune in next time part 311      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“That aphrodisiac gum sure packs a punch,” Jason lisped by my elbow. He was watching John get himself smeared with clown makeup in Carla’s writhing embrace. I meanwhile turned my attention back to Jove who had ceased his naked leaping and already commenced incipient flirtations with Tessa. She didn’t seem to mind. In fact she dangled upside down from the rafter to put herself in range of my overly tall brother.

The next thing I knew, Jove was holding her indelicately by the shoulders and kissing her roughly, the very picture of the burly child manhandling a lollipop.

I felt myself in the grip of the headache that had been stalking me ever since my sojourn in the sewer. I massaged my temples. Somehow I had to get John and Tessa away from their latest conquests and onto the plane so that we could get off this godforsaken rock. They were already naked, so at least that part of the pilot’s demands would be easily met.

“Attention!” I barked. “Your attention, please!” Nobody even looked at me. “The plane will be leaving in five minutes.” It had always been Tessa’s fondest wish to visit the Grand Canyon, so I added, “Anyone who wants to be transported out west must board now!”

The rest of them could stay here with the Fire Eaters and TechnoPagans and all the circus cosplay and sex games if they wanted, but I wasn’t about to leave without Tessa.

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Ah, Aren’t You the Clever Nephew

  • by Kent: smart assassins
  • little Eskimo girls
  • go around all day long with a harp
  • “You’ll be playing an elderly butler.”
  • I’m not a fan of things that obscure the female body

Tune in next time part 310      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Ah, aren’t you the clever nephew,” the Mizzenpriestess — our aunt Xylona — said to Jason. I let the misunderstanding pass. She went on, “That’s just what we need right now: smart assassins.”

“Which is he?” I asked. “A nephew, or an assassin?”

“Why can’t I be both?” Jason complained.

Xylona pursed her lips and squinted at me. “We don’t need smart-asses; I said smart assassins.” Then she winked, her left eye becoming momentarily twice as squinty. “Now, why hasn’t John come out yet? The plane’s all gassed up.”

“You’re the pilot?” Jason asked. “Can you get us off this rock?”

“Darling nephew, I can fly you to the place where little Eskimo girls go around all day long with a harp.”

“Why not a harp seal?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

She gave me another borderline scowl. “You’ll be playing an elderly butler.” Then she smiled. “If they even let you join their band. Now tell John to stop clowning around in that hut and let’s go.”

I noticed that Tessa was also unaccounted for, so I nominated myself to return to the hut and see what was going on. Tessa was still up on her rafter, with Jove jumping around trying to catch her in a way that filled me with the desire to give him back his jodhpurs. As for John, he was becoming better acquainted with Carla.

I’m not a fan of things that obscure the female body, and John’s derriere was proving to be no exception.

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With a Mighty Swing of My Arms

  • by jen“I believe your name is Troy.”
  • I’ve heard old Rosie was a wild one
  • father of three of her children
  • still married to another man
  • seems, like, hard and stuff.

Tune in next time part 309      Click Here for Earlier Installments

With a mighty swing of my arms, I whipped Jove’s boots at the two nearest Fire Eaters. The rare earth minerals clinging to their soles ignited in the eye-watering fumes wafting from the Fire Eaters’ mouths. In seconds, a chain reaction of explosions rid the clearing of the entire Fire Eater war party, and a good number of the TechoPagans as well.

The Mizzenpreistess stepped forward unscathed, and pointed a bony finger at me. “I believe your name is Troy.”

I couldn’t imagine where she’d gotten that idea as I didn’t look much like my brother Troy or his twin Trent. We didn’t even have the same father.

The old woman read my incredulity on my face, or maybe my eyebrows were still giving coded messages. Either way she laughed and said, “I’ve heard old Rosie was a wild one.”

My mother’s name is ZsaZsa, and my father calls her Ralph, but to her siblings she was always Rosie. Was this TechnoPagan priestess my aunt? I tried to think which of Mother’s sisters she might be.

“Wild Rose we called her,” the woman continued. “Always carrying on with married men. Did you know that the Warlord of Contraria is the father of three of her children, at least, and she’s still married to another man? She said she had to stay in the marriage to keep up appearances so she could be president, but that seems, like, hard and stuff.”

“She and my father have an understanding,” I muttered. I’d always wondered why Mother had such a soft spot for Contraria, and this might explain it. I could only assume that I was not one of the children fathered by my father-in-law. I took comfort in the strong resemblance I paid to Jack, the man I’d always been told was my sire.

Standing among the smoldering remains of so many Fire Eaters, Jason looked hard at the Mizzenpriestess and asked, “Are you our fabled Aunt Xylona?”

I gasped, knowing it must be true.

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Wearing Sweaty Jodhpurs

  • by Kentjust 113 kinds of atoms
  • the crime of performing a protest song
  • like pumpernickel bread
  • the lies he told and the photographs he took
  • “Magnificent!” I replied, with a good imitation of enthusiasm

Tune in next time part 308      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Wearing sweaty jodhpurs two sizes too big is unpleasant, especially when it’s someone else’s sweat. But had they been less sweaty, they’d have been incinerated in the torch flame.

Jove spluttered, and Carla boggled. I ignored them and stuck my arms into my stolen boots. I waddled out of the hut, my damp, warm, floppy pants slapping my hamstrings with every stride. As I came into view of the horde outside, I raised my arms to present the dusty soles of the shiny boots.

It’s quite amazing what can be cooked up using just 113 kinds of atoms. The residue on the soles of Jove’s boots was just a byproduct, but those outside recognized it. They felt its radiation and knew what it meant, and they cowered before it. To challenge the boots was as bad as the crime of performing a protest song. These boots had trod the assembly line where things were… assembled. Complex things, like pumpernickel bread. Good things, also like pumpernickel bread. And powerfully bad things, like the lies he told and the photographs he took when Jove overthrew the island’s previous baron.

The Fire Eaters bowed low, and the TechnoPagans covered their eyes.

One of them spoke, asking, “How go the sacrifices?”

“Magnificent!” I replied, with a good imitation of enthusiasm. “Magnificently,” I amended. “Now it is time for launch!”

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Carla’s Enormous Red Clown Shoes

  • by jenI want to examine them
  • robbing a grocery store
  • Come on, say it! Say “April Fool!”
  • does not actually go into the fire
  • torpedoing your most intimate relationships

Tune in next time part 307      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Carla’s enormous red clown shoes flopped and slapped against the ground as she gamboled with her husband. Jove’s shiny black riding boots made him much more nimble. There appeared to be something unusual stuck to their leather soles. I got Tessa’s attention, and through the nimble movements of my eyebrows and the use of the Mexican Painter’s Code, silently indicated his boots and said, “I want to examine them.”

She wriggled her eyebrows in agreement. It felt good to be on the same side as her again, like that rush you get when you’re robbing a grocery store pharmacy.

At long last, Jove allowed himself to be cornered by Carla. He had his back to the bubbling mud pit and raised his hands in surrender.

Carla aimed the oversized flower in her lapel at him and said, “Say my name, bitch! Come on, say it! Say ‘April Fool!’” She waved the flower menacingly.

Tessa’s eyebrows said, “April? I thought her name was Carla.”

My eyebrows shrugged.

Below us, Jove was whimpering “April Fool” over and over, and stripping out of his ringmaster garb. As he doffed each piece of finery, his clownwife scooped it up and tossed it into one of the flames of the ceremonial torches in each corner. Until he got to his hat. He removed it reverently from his head and said, “Remember, this does not actually go into the fire,” and placed it atop her rainbow wig.

As she pulled a tube of greasepaint from her pocket and squirted a healthy portion onto her hands while eyeing up my naked brother, I decided I’d had enough. I dropped down from the rafters, and said, “Pardon me for torpedoing your most intimate relationships, Jove, but I think your boots are my ticket off this island.”

I scooped the patent leather footwear off the floor of the hut, and the jodhpurs, too, when I remembered that I was naked.

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Clinging To The Rafter

  • by Kentboth moved to laughter as they gazed upon it
  • these are aphrodisiacs
  • That’s kind of a nice thing
  • a foot in a sock
  • crazy like a fox — and just as hard to corner

Tune in next time part 306      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Clinging to the rafter, I worried that Carla or Jove would glance up and spot us. I worried that Jason would sneeze and give us away. I worried, a little, that John or Tessa would cause us to be noticed, but they’re competent agents with whom I’ve been in worse situations before.

But what I should have been worrying about was the spectacle that was about to unfold below my hiding place.

Jove doffed his top hat and reached inside, where he found another ceramic animal figurine. I didn’t get to see what it was before he popped it into his own mouth. He and Carla then kissed, her round red nose squeaking softly against his cheek. When they drew apart, a strand of elastic material stretched between their mouths, and by its color I knew it was ceramic animals, which must not have been ceramic at all. Some kind of gum, evidently, and whatever the flavor Carla and Jove were both moved to laughter as they gazed upon its droopy wet slackness.

Jove took another curio from his hat and said, “They do taste funny, but these are aphrodisiacs. That’s kind a nice thing to have in a hat, don’t you think?”

“Even nicer than a foot in a sock,” Carla simpered, leaning in for another kiss and getting the horny gum all over his tailcoat.

“You know I’m crazy about you,” Jove slurred into their kiss. He raised his head then, and went on, “Crazy like a fox — and just as hard to corner!”

And thus commenced a tedious sex game wherein she chased him around the hut pretending he was too nimble for her to catch him. It lasted hours. I tried to arrange myself so that if I dozed I wouldn’t fall off my perch.

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With a Shrug, Jason and I Stripped

  • by jen“Here I am and in I’m coming.”
  • frantic desire to throw his feet in the air
  • a total of five times
  • with a ceramic squirrel
  • he gave a muffled buzz

Tune in next time part 305      Click Here for Earlier Installments

With a shrug, Jason and I stripped. We were twins after all, so seeing each other naked was just like looking in a mirror. It was a relief to be out of my burlap sack from the submarine.

We lined up behind John, with Tessa bringing up the rear. As I belatedly wondered where John’s escape plane could be hidden, and why its captain would insist on nudity from his passengers, all sounds from outside the hut ceased. The eerie quiet was breached moments later by waves of whispers from the squabbling Fire Eaters and TechnoPagans in the village.

“The King!” they whisper-shouted. “The King!”

There followed a ceremonial fanfare played upon honking clown noses, and then an all-too-familiar voice said, right outside our temple hut, “Here I am and in I’m coming.” It was either Jove or Jupiter.

Jason’s eyes went wide and I could read upon his face his frantic desire to throw his feet in the air and flee. I’m not sure where he picked up such an unusual sprinting technique, but I’d seen him use it a total of five times.

The sixth time would not be now, because there was only one way out of this hut and it led straight into Jove’s arms. Unless they were Jupiter’s.

Tessa leapt up and grabbed the rafter above her head, and pulled herself up onto it. In a snap, John, Jason, and I all followed her. The four of us yanked our dangling legs up just as the packing tape strips over the doorway parted, flooding the interior of the temple hut with moonlight.

I watched from above as my brother, still in his flamboyant ringmaster garb, rode into the room upon the back of his clown wife. I recognized them as Jove and Carla. Once they thought they were alone, Jove climbed down and Carla rose to her feet. Jove said, “Thank you my darling,” and presented her with a ceramic squirrel small enough to fit in her mouth, which is where she put it. She gave a muffled buzz of contentment.

Jove was so tall, his top hat was mere inches below our hiding place. If Carla looked up she would see us, and that would be a disaster.

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Would You Like Me To Challenge You To A Duel

  • by KentOr a game of dominoes?
  • I live by the river
  • the Actor-Robot’s overwhelming hate
  • little sister, can’t you find another way?
  • and not a penny less

Tune in next time part 304      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Would you like me to challenge you to a duel?” I yelled at John. “Or a game of dominoes?” Both questions were nonsense, as I lacked any weaponry or spotted game tiles, but maybe they would confuse John long enough for me to think my way out of this mess and off of this island. Perhaps I could get back home. I live by the river, and with my luck the house had been washed away by now. I had been away for a long time.

John did seem confused, but his hold on my arm didn’t loosen. His gaze lunged around the hut at each of us, and spittle flew when he snarled, “I cannot sense the Actor-Robot’s overwhelming hate. Without it I can’t get my bearings.”

“Now he thinks we’re robots!” Jason threw up his hands.

“I will deal with him,” Tessa said. She used her big toe to strike a pressure point on John’s arm, freeing me from his clutches. Her leg drew back for another kick, and I knew how deadly she could be.

John had caused me tremendous trouble over the years, betrayed me more often than I would likely ever know. But at the sight of him in mortal peril, something in my chest burst forth. “Oh, little sister, can’t you find another way?” I cried.

Everyone stared at me, especially Tessa. I wanted to amend my outburst, not call her that, but it was too late.

John rubbed his arm and said, “Look, I gotta get outta here. You guys are welcome to tag along as far as the plane, but then you’ll have to negotiate with the captain. He might fly you off this rock, for a price. He’ll want double the fair-market rate, and not a penny less.” He sized us up, nodding at Tessa but frowning at me and Jason. “You twinsies will have to strip down. He’s very strict about proper attire.”

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John’s Sudden Attack

  • by jen— mind the lobsters —
  • one weird trick
  • determine how much blood it would take
  • rank, leather-like odor
  • glimpse into his violent mind

Tune in next time part 303      Click Here for Earlier Installments

John’s sudden attack gave me a glimpse into his violent mind, and brought me far too close to his rank, leather-like odor. My own eyes began to water.

I twisted away and looked for a weapon, whilst trying to determine how much blood it would take for him to lose before he lost consciousness. At the Academy they taught us one weird trick to remember the blood loss formula, a mnemonic. And then it came to me — Mind The Lobsters — that was the key.

Now all I needed was a weapon, and a minute to complete the calculations.

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