Tagged: birthday

Before I Could Collect Myself to Congratulate Her

  • by jenpack up its ovaries and flee
  • pulled out a whimpering dog
  • an easy matter, Olga,
  • find much more comfortable quarters
  • multi-jurisdictional nightmare

Tune in next time part 355      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Before I could collect myself to congratulate her, Svetlana gave another cry and produced another baby. And then a fourth. I was stunned. Any lesser uterus, when faced with quadruplets, would pack up its ovaries and flee. But Svetlana was a contortionist, and so apparently was her womb. At that point I wouldn’t have been surprised if she pulled out a whimpering dog, or another dozen babies, but she seemed to be done. The babies were all robust and plump.

“Four boys,” I stammered.

“I told you they would be remarkable when I tricked you into impregnating me,” Svetlana said. “They must have inherited my contortionist genes, otherwise there’s no way so many of them would have fit.”

Our awkward family moment was interrupted by Heinrich’s arrival. He shouldered past the gawking volleyball players. He had John with him, and Olga, too. I hadn’t seen Svetlana’s youngest sister in years, but here she was, just in time to be an aunt. It occurred to me then that John was my children’s uncle, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

John and Olga stared at their sister and her four newborn sons. Finally Olga said, “You were simply supposed to get a sample of his semen, Svetlana!” She jerked her thumb at me.

“I did!” She nodded at the infants. “How else do you think this happened?”

Olga shook her head sadly. “It’s not his genetic material we need, but the exotic chemical compound surrounding it.”

“You should have been more specific. It would have saved a good deal of discomfort. Now what am I supposed to do with all these babies?” Svetlana asked. “It won’t be an easy matter, Olga, to hide all of us under Heinrich’s shirt.”

John sniffed. “I’m sure we can find much more comfortable quarters for the infants.” He hauled Svetlana to her feet and took the children from her. She twisted and did a complicated backbend maneuver, then stood up straight, all signs of her recent pregnancy eradicated. She kissed each baby on the head and then gracefully coiled herself back into the harness on Heinrich’s chest.

“Hurry up and get a sample from him, Olga,” John said. “Then he can take the babies back to Contraria and we can get off this damn island. Xylona’s waiting at the biplane, and our scientists really need that exotic compound.”

“Wait!” I said. “You want me to take these kids home to my wife? That would be a multi-jurisdictional nightmare!” I was both American and part Indian, Svetlana was both a Contortionist and part Russian, and Fleur was as Contrarian as they come. There was precedent for adoptions such as this, to increase a warlady’s brood, but it required so much paperwork.

Meanwhile, Olga was stripping off her bikini.

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I Was Not Alone With My Wife For Long

  • by jentongue was similarly decorated
  • just an hour and a half later
  • lifelong search for love and affection
  • wrapped in many layers of oiled sailcloth
  • The result is awesomeness.

Tune in next time part 319      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I was not alone with my wife for long. As soon as the prickish viscount left the birthing chamber, with John on his heel, Fleur picked up a bell from her nightstand and rang it. Immediately, a stream of courtiers flooded in, each with their own ritualistic function. While an old woman waved incense around, and a trio of pubescent girls chanted something in Olde Contrarian, Fleur received a foot massage, and I was dressed in a morning suit, complete with boutonniere and cane.

The incense woman blindfolded the chanting girls, and then Fleur disrobed. The warlord’s personal calligrapher got to work with his needle, tattooing the ancient royal symbols in gold on her tongue. Next my tongue was similarly decorated, which I was assured was a great honor, but it was one I would have been just as happy to skip because holy hell it hurt.

And then, just an hour and a half later, the children were born, one right after the other. The first was a girl, which brought back all of my fears about being martyred as the prophecy foretold, but the second child was a boy which put my mind at ease. Until Fleur chuckled deviously and said she couldn’t wait to give them siblings.

I had never thought that I wanted children, but my lifelong search for love and affection came to a sudden halt when the midwife handed over the infants. They were wrapped in many layers of oiled sailcloth per Contrarian tradition.

“We have always done it that way,” Fleur said. She gestured to herself. “The result is awesomeness.”

“What are their names?” I asked.

Fleur laughed heartily. “Silly man! We won’t know that until the naming rituals are complete, which can’t happen until I’m halfway through my next pregnancy!”

“But then how does the youngest child in a family ever get named?”

bonus points for using them in order

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Mitzy’s Goons Frogmarched Me

  • k-avatarsang the last line of the song
  • nothing to do with my sister being in the room
  • seating configuration woes
  • strands of red hair
  • recommended by four out of five

Tune In Next Time Part 33                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Mitzy’s goons frogmarched me down a long hallway and into a windowless room with a beaten up desk where my brother Thor sat, flanked by secret service. On the desk was a birthday cake. As the door closed behind me, the secret service agents sang the last line of the song and Thor blew out his candles.

He swiped a delicate finger through the bright blue frosting and then licked it off. The minty smell hit me, and he said, “Alternative cake decoration recommended by four out of five dentists.”

I smirked. “Hello, ‘Thor,'” I said. But of course I could tell by the voice that this was in fact Thor’s twin, Freya. They were otherwise identical, at least above the waist. “I thought since the scandal you wouldn’t be welcome anymore. Does Mother know you’re here? And by the way, it’s not your birthday.”

“Of course not, on all counts,” Freya replied calmly. “And it’s father’s birthday. Didn’t you think there were too many candles?” She folded her hands on the desk. “Sit. I have many questions for you.”

Freya was using the only chair, so I remained standing. But a drop of sweat ran down the back of my neck. My unease had nothing to do with my sister being in the room, or with her pretending to be my brother, or even the seating configuration woes. What chilled my blood was noticing the strands of red hair on the carpet.

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“Even Backdating the Transaction”

  • k-avatarI thought he was taunting me
  • by altering their hormones?
  • the day before Liza’s 44th birthday
  • she blushed
  • costs him $9 million
  • assuming he stays in Middlesex County
  • backdating the transaction
  • a shy 13-year-old boy stood no chance

“Even backdating the transaction, this costs him $9 million, assuming he stays in Middlesex County.”

Such shop-talk, the day before Liza’s 44th birthday, embarrassed her. She blushed. A shy 13-year-old boy stood no chance. Jimmy cried out and fled the opulent room in terror, almost toppling the globe-shaped liquor cabinet.

“Jonathan, look what your boorish wind has done.” Liza shook her finger at the lanky accountant.

“I thought he was taunting me,” Jonathan murmured.

Could teenagers be made more tractable by altering their hormones?

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I Knew I’d Find Him Here

  1. k-avatarCharacter – burned-out kindergarten teacher
  2. Setting – botanical garden
  3. Object – sunflower seeds
  4. Situation – 21st birthday

I knew I’d find him here. Mr. Rodkis, good old Mr Rodkis. He could never cut it with kids any older than 5 or 6, on account of that name.

“Sit down! Be quiet!” He’s bawling out the sunflowers now, although those chrysanthemums are only waiting for him to turn his back.

“That’s it, young lady,” addressed to an 8-foot plant. “You’re in time-out!”

I pincer out some more seeds from the pouch I bought at the gift shop. “Hey, Rodkis,” I want to call out, “I found your troublemaker’s baby sister.”

These tall blossoms are the Botanical Garden’s primary claim to fame. Sadly banal, as a claim to fame. Like Rodkis. I guess that’s why he always winds up here.

I thought it would feel triumphant to track him down on my 21st birthday, to look down on the cranky little man who’d looked down on me those 15 years ago.

But, in hindsight, I agree with my friends. This is a depressing place to spend my birthday.

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“Happy Birthday,” He Said

  • by jenshrinking like a balloon
  • 50 bucks worth of shit
  • picture of the burly child
  • “Happy birthday,” he said
  • passed a cohabitation law

“Happy birthday,” he said and handed Loretta 50 bucks worth of shit she didn’t need, as well as a picture of the burly child he had once been, back before the state passed a cohabitation law that compelled her to leave him behind with his father and take up residence with an old, half-senile party official whose phallus had the habit of shrinking like a balloon stuck by a pin whenever they were in bed together.

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