Tagged: birth

“Two Million Two Thousand!”

  • by jenflowed quickly from his nostrils
  • many individuals still believe today
  • should be home in bed
  • “I need the backstory.”
  • certainly not cinnamon-colored

Tune in next time part 493      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Two million two thousand!” shouted Tatiana at the same second that John was swigging champagne, and he was so surprised by the thousand-dollar leap in the bidding that he nearly choked. Champagne flowed quickly from his nostrils as he looked around for a napkin.

Turning back to me, Tatiana said. “I and many individuals still believe today in the ancient yeti maternity practices. I will give birth here in the cavern.”

“You should be home in bed,” I growled at her. “Or perhaps in that nice fortress down the mountain.”

“No!” Tatiana grabbed my yeti-masked face in her hands and stared into my eyes. “I need the elderberries. I need the skin contact.” She enunciated every word. “I need the backstory.” Her face crumpled under another contraction. “I need it all.”

I nodded.

She called to her nearly nude companion. “Magnus, get one of the big serving trays from a waiter. It will stand in for the traditional sled. I will give birth upon it. And napkins! Bring many napkins! Whatever sort you can find, except certainly not cinnamon-colored. That would be ill-omened.”

I was starting to feel quite superfluous, but decided to stick around and see my latest children be born.

“Two million two thousand thirty seven!” groaned Tatiana.

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“Elderberries?”

  • by jenalso a valid tactic
  • “No. I don’t want anything to do with you.”
  • He and his family all do it together
  • I guess I have some doppelgängers
  • mink cufflinks

Tune in next time part 491      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Elderberries?” I was incredulous. “You know what else is also a valid tactic? Actual medical care.” I grabbed the yeti midwife’s elbow and tried to pull her to her feet. “Come on.”

“No. I don’t want anything to do with you.” She curled her lip. “Or the ridiculous humans.” She pried my hand off her elbow with surprising strength, and handed me a plastic zipper bag full of tiny, dark purple berries. “Now fuck off and let me enjoy my coffee break, or I’ll report you to the union.”

Whether she was talking about the yeti union or the ninja union, I wanted nothing to do with them. I snatched her rainbow-striped headband and hurried from the room. Tatiana was probably too distracted to notice that I was not an actual yeti midwife, and if I wore the uniform she would probably do what I told her.

I retraced my route to the auction chamber. The bidding was at $2,000,682 and creeping higher. A small crowd had gathered around Tatiana as she labored while continuing her attempts to purchase my brother in the name of her sister. As I pushed my way through the onlookers, I overheard a number of them speculating about who had gotten her pregnant.

“The star charts dictated that it be Jason,” John said. “But his twin was the best we could do.”

“Oh, you were there!” cried Maxine. “How auspicious!”

“He and his family all do it together,” said a foppish man in a fur cape. “Espionage, I mean. Did you know that today’s prize, Jim, is a member of that family? It really is too much!”

“Two million seven hundred and one!” cried Tatiana. Then she spotted me in my disguise. “You look familiar,” she said suspiciously.

“I guess I have some doppelgängers,” I said, trying to imitate the gruff tone of the yeti. I held up my baggie of elderberries. “Let’s get you somewhere comfortable to deliver those babies.”

“I’ll provide the skin contact!” cried the fur-cape man. He tossed his cape aside, revealing himself to be wearing only a mink speedo and crisp white cuffs held in place on his wrists by mink cufflinks.

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I Twitched My Eyelid

  • by jencouldn’t see what was in the crotch
  • slept under a picture of a bear
  • flutes of champagne
  • your big girl panties
  • mountain honeycombed with caves

Tune in next time part 463      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I twitched my eyelid at Doctor Nanna to signal that I’d heard her message. Her lips relaxed into a slight smile. I wasn’t fluent in Academy staff slang, but I thought I knew what her unicorn comment meant. Unfortunately I couldn’t see what was in the crotch of her leotard to confirm, because it was hidden behind her surgical apron. I kept an eye on her as she flitted around the nursery, tending to Isolde and the infants.

“Every great warlord in Contraria’s history has slept under a picture of a bear,” Isolde said, gazing at the cartoony creatures adorning the walls. “This will do nicely.”

A 3-star yodeler arrived with flutes of champagne for Isolde and myself. “To the children.” I raised my glass.

“To the children,” Isolde agreed. She downed the champagne in one long pull and gave a dainty, giggling burp. “How many are there?” she asked. “I lost count. I felt like a baby piñata!”

“I’m not sure,” I said. “Perhaps you should count them.” Behind Isolde, Doctor Nanna bent over a cradle and I finally had confirmation of her message.

I left Isolde with a second glass of champagne, and joined Doctor Nanna in the corner where we spoke in low voices. “I saw your big girl panties,” I said.

“I’d heard you were a clever boy, good with codes.” She handed me a swaddled infant. “This fortress is built on a mountain honeycombed with caves. That’s where those yeti took Jim.  I don’t need to tell you how dangerous this situation is.”

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Isolde Grinned Up At Me

  • by Kentwith a thin little nose between silver-rimmed spectacles
  • So why did the building planners put two toilets in the same stall?
  • They could… “experiment” on you
  • “Wash your face before you hug your mother,”
  • missing only one thing: a unicorn

Tune in next time part 462      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Isolde grinned up at me from the floor where she sat in a veritable heap of newborns.

“Does this fortress have an obstetrician!” I bellowed.

“Relax,” Isolde lilted. “I’ve already asked about it.”

A door opened and an elderly woman with a thin little nose between silver-rimmed spectacles marched in. Her ears bore multiple piercings, most of them festooned with shark’s teeth, and her exposed shoulders and forearms were coated in elaborate circus-themed tattoos. She tutted, drying her hands with a paper towel. “So why did the building planners put two toilets in the same stall? I’m serious here, I’m asking, so if some wise-ass says ‘to get to the other side’ I’m turning right back around.” She fixed me with a look over the tops of her glasses. “Do you know? You look like you’re in charge around here. Anyway, it does create opportunities to get to know each other, if you’re open-minded.”

Too many bizarre things had happened too rapidly, leaving my mind susceptible to her grandmotherly charm. Inwardly I stammered in search of an answer. They hoped it… They didn’t… They could… “experiment” on you in there? Fortunately none of it was out loud.

“Yes, I’m an obstetrician, and I’m also a doula and a sixth-degree black belt and I’m here to save the day.” The old woman stooped and hefted one of the tiny babies. “Wash your face before you hug your mother,” the multi-talented fortress obstetrician said, producing a pack of sterile wipes from her bag and cleaning the infant all over.

“Thank you,” Isolde said, accepting the clean babe while the woman proceeded to the next one. “What is your name?”

“You may address me as Doctor Nanna, all the cool kids are doing it.”

In what seemed like no time at all Isolde cradled her entire litter, all cleaned up, and four footmen arrived with a palanquin to convey her to the nursery that I hadn’t known was being prepared for the royal rugrats. But Isolde clearly liked it, with all its cartoony clouds and candy-colored, trademark-infringing bears. So, I said, “I hope you like it.”

Doctor Nanna spoke up, saying, “Not too shabby. It’s missing only one thing: a unicorn.”

The twitch of her left eyelid might have been an incidental, involuntary thing, but for the fact that “missing a unicorn” was Hopscotch Academy slang that only the teachers had ever employed.

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