Tagged: apocrypha

Playing the Part of the Innocent Venutian Princess

  • by jenunbuttoning his Space Ranger pajamas
  • nearly vomited in terror
  • the tune was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
  • stuck in his eyebrows
  • and the telephone itself
  • dogs of all sizes and descriptions

Playing the part of the innocent Venutian princess who nearly vomited in terror at her first sight of an Earth astronaut, only to find herself strangely aroused by the alien intruder, Ibernia Patience reached out to her husband Frank Pax, unbuttoning his Space Ranger pajamas.

Venutian folk music warbled in the background. The tune was Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but the lyrics were incomprehensible. Ibernia drew the now-naked Frank down onto a large pile of stuffed dogs of all sizes and descriptions. She brushed away a stray bit of fluff that was stuck in his eyebrows as he bent down to kiss her.

Just then the phone rang and Ibernia cursed both the thoughtless caller and the telephone itself for interrupting her play time.

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“Devlin is Such a Scamp!”

  • by jenforcing them to drop their wood
  • kissed each other good morning
  • his manhood in public
  • “Stop him! Stop him!”
  • enormous flocks of ducks
  • wolves, ibex, reindeer
  • reacts in a unique egotistic manner

“Devlin is such a scamp!” exclaimed Minerva du Mauvais to Bogman Bill after they kissed each other good morning, chastely, as was their custom. “Whenever he accomplishes something grand he reacts in a unique egotistic manner by exposing his manhood in public while surrounded by enormous flocks of ducks, wolves, ibex, reindeer, and children. The first time he did this it was so amusing! He paraded past a group of villagers out collecting firewood for the coming winter, forcing them to drop their wood in astonishment at the size and beauty of his man-meat, and causing the faint-of-heart to cry, ‘Stop him! Stop him!’

She smiled indulgently at the memory.

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Fin Stared at the “Stereotype Questionnaire”

  • by jencrucifix
  • stereotype questionnaire
  • drugs
  • pose
  • independently

Fin stared at the “stereotype questionnaire.” Was it worth it to fill the whole damn thing out, all 6 pages, for $25? He sighed. He needed the money.

#7 “What traits do you associate with women who use drugs? Check all that apply. Please work independently.”

Fuck it.

Being careful to stay within the ovals, Fin filled out his answer sheet so that the colored dots formed a rudimentary crucifix, with Jesus in a less-than-dignified pose.

He spent the next half hour napping, then handed in his papers and collected his cash.

Next stop: liquor store.

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Lara Edged Awkwardly

  • k-avatargiant sticky bun
  • unsubstantiated
  • considerable
  • Ludwig Neitzche’s illness

Lara edged awkwardly through the narrow passage, moving crabwise with both an armload of philosophy and a giant sticky bun to pay attention to. She nibbled at the pastry as she moved to the appropriate location in the stacks to deposit the pretentious tomes that burdened her right arm.

Not dropping anything as she placed the heap of books on a nearby carrel took considerable dexterity. Then she had to work one-handed because her glazed left hand had more important things to worry about than — she glanced at the cover of the next volume — Ludwig Nietzche’s Illness.

She hoped to have time for a smoke break before that so-called reporter showed up. The cute one. Lara took a larger bite of the sweet, gooey treat, reminding herself that the rumors of this chick’s heterosexuality were as of yet unsubstantiated.

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Enchanted Mariner Ducks

During October we will be sharing passages that we’ve written independently from the same prompt.

  • enchanted mariner ducks
  • striped scarlet luminescent work-coats
  • low relief with pubic hair
  • the feathery roots of his water hyacinths
  • “Stop quoting Lewis Carroll at me!”
  • tear a larynx

Kent’s Take

I sat in Doctor Entenman’s waiting room, hoping the décor wasn’t indicative of his qualifications as an otolaryngologist. All the others in town were closed for the holiday. The artworks showed truly horrific taste, made more sickening by the realization that the good doctor was himself the artist. A garish neon abstract took up most of the wall facing me, and was accompanied by a plaque bearing its title: “In which the enchanted mariner ducks out of the saloon to escape constables attired in striped scarlet luminescent work-coats.” Above my head was a matted atrocity, a low relief with pubic hair, evidently meant to signify the feathery roots of his water hyacinths. I heard raised voices, first a woman shrieking something about being behind schedule, and then a man bellowing “Stop quoting Lewis Carroll at me!” I supposed I’d chosen a bad week to tear a larynx.

bonus points for using them in order!

Jen’s Take

by jenThe great artist and his assistant stood by in their striped scarlet luminescent work-coats while the phalanx of critics examined his latest creation.

“You say it’s called ‘enchanted mariner ducks,’ and yet I detect nothing of the waterfowl in its design,” said the most unctuous of the bunch, a man known to be overly fond of the feathery roots of his water hyacinths, if you know what I mean.

“Curious, isn’t it,” said Hieronymus Warhol.

“This is clearly a bas-relief, and yet under ‘medium’ you have declared that it is ‘low relief with pubic hair.’ Not only is that not a real medium, it’s also disgusting!”

“Curiouser and curiouser,” replied Warhol.

“Stop quoting Lewis Carroll at me!” cried the critic.

“As soon as you tear a larynx,” drawled the artist. “Preferably your own.”

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And Your Stomach Is Invaded By Butterflies

During October we will be sharing passages that we’ve written independently from the same prompt.

  • and your stomach is invaded by butterflies
  • the place of the courageous and the beautiful
  • lick ice cream and savor sugared almonds
  • splashing waterfalls and frothing rivers
  • Mexico’s most beautiful señorita
  • in Easter-Rabbit costumes

Kent’s Take

It is the place of the courageous and the beautiful to lick ice cream and savor sugared almonds, and it is their right to do so in Easter-Rabbit costumes. For Mexico’s most beautiful señorita, these pleasures are an art form. When you look upon her, with her frozen treats and her floppy ears, your mind is aswirl with splashing waterfalls and frothing rivers, and your stomach is invaded by butterflies. Courageous and beautiful butterflies.

 

Jen’s Take

by jen“Welcome to the land of splashing waterfalls and frothing rivers, the place of the courageous and the beautiful, otherwise known as Las Vegas, Nevada’s legalized brothel, Madame Ibernia’s!” cried Ibernia Patience, waving her arms broadly.

Behind her, two sultry ladies in Easter-Rabbit costumes winked and gyrated.

Frank Pax smiled. Bernie always knew how to surprise him.

Fatima entered, wearing a gypsy-like costume.

“Tonight,” Ibernia said, “you will enjoy Mexico’s most beautiful señorita,” she indicated Fatima, “from whose body you will lick ice cream, and savor sugared almonds from her navel!

And your stomach is invaded by butterflies at the thought, isn’t it Frankie?” murmured Fatima.

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All We Had To Eat

  • which stank as if hyenas had once lived there
  • a little knob on its side
  • scraped off the rhino skulls
  • meat and berries
  • voles, grouse, foxes
  • their hair was curly, but only loosely so
  • consisted of a skin loin cloth

All we had to eat was meat and berries, which had to be scraped off the rhino skulls. One skull had a little knob on its side, and Edgar claimed it for his own exclusive use. Mine was yellowed, an ancient specimen which stank as if hyenas had once lived there. Already I’d lost twelve pounds.

I was on the trail of voles, grouse, foxes, or fish when I discovered the other encampment. Their hair was curly, but only loosely so. I drew a map on the only suitable material I possessed, which consisted of a skin loincloth.

It was at that moment, scribbling away with a dirty stick at the underside of my meager garment, that I first laid eyes on Minerva.

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