Tagged: animal

The Reunions Didn’t Go Well

  • mere vats of chemicalsby jen
  • put her forehead against the ottoman
  • a package of cat litter
  • Matt, in sweatsuit,
  • the reunions didn’t go well

The reunions didn’t go well, which is just the sort of thing that makes reality TV producers wet themselves. Everyone was clamoring to see Matt and Rebecca, the star-crossed lovers from Season 3, finally get together. The camera crew caught Matt, in sweatsuit, at the store buying a package of cat litter, when everyone knows that Rebecca has cat allergies so bad that mere vats of chemicals aren’t enough to help her. Obviously things weren’t going to go well. When Matt got to Rebecca’s house she had a sneezing fit and had to put her forehead against the ottoman so she wouldn’t pass out. When it became clear that Matt wasn’t willing to give up his cat for Rebecca, everyone knew their relationship was doomed before it even got rekindled, so then the producers switched over to Ryan and Alexis from Season 7. Oh boy, was that a nightmare!

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Fernando Was Not

  • It gave birthby jen
  • Negligence and so forth
  • the three-trailer-long house
  • wrapped in brown paper
  • He was almost bald
  • And fell and fell and fell.
  • shaped like a Hershey’s Kiss or a woman’s breast

Fernando was not an attractive man. He was almost bald, for one thing. To disguise his naked scalp, he kept it wrapped in brown paper which made it seem shaped like a Hershey’s Kiss or a woman’s breast.

Fernando spent most of his time alone in the three-trailer-long house he called his Triplex of Solitude. It was three Airstream campers welded together.

Fernando’s days were spent daydreaming about hot celebrities he saw on the internet. His favorite fantasy was about how Angelina Jolie fell in love with him. And fell and fell and fell. She would parade around the Triplex, in Fernando’s fevered imaginings, wearing skimpy underwear. “Negligence and so forth,” he murmured.

Fernando was also not very bright.

His musings were interrupted one day by his pet turtle. It gave birth.

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