Secret Societies

While reviewing our chain story, Tune In Next Time, for last week’s post about codes, we realized it’s been more than a year since we updated the cast list. Since we’re closing in on 400 entries, we probably can’t expect new readers to get caught up immediately. To make it easier on both the newcomers and anyone who just doesn’t have the memory to spare for all this absurdity, here is an update to our Dramatis Personae.

We’ll start with the Academy, since that’s where all of last week’s codes originated.

• The Hopscotch Academy  — Seemingly located somewhere in Europe, this elite, private academic institution educates young people in the arts of spycraft and espionage. It boasts a secret submarine dock, and a root cellar with a subbasement. Pharmacological Subterfuge is an elective. While magic is taught, only ultra-dweebs take those classes. Extracurriculars include the Ninja Defense League, choir, and rugby. The choir is not very good, but the members do get to wear astroturf vests, so there’s that. The chess team is called the Anacondas. There has never been a prom. The Academy’s students wear scarlet uniforms; skirts for the girls, kilts for the boys, unless they are wearing wetsuits. There are several rival schools, and their competitions can be deadly. Many obscure kinds of codes are taught, and training exercises can be both x-rated and grueling. Students are often forced to construct weapons under the guise of education, and rigorous physical exams can run long into the night. Alumni include our protagonist and his numerous siblings, Tessa and her sisters, John, Joan, and Setsuko.

Many secretive and warring factions have been encountered through the years, including ninjas, mimes, pirates, and fire eaters. Many backchannel alliances have been sprouting up:

• The Pirate-Ninja Alliance is the longest-standing, though their truce is tenuous
• the long-rumored Pirate-Mime Brotherhood seem to actually exist, with members wearing chalky face paint and stripy nautical outfits. William Sausage, Captain Jorgensen, and Tesla seem to be members
• there are murmurs of a Mime-Fire Eater Treaty, which also seems to involve Captain Jorgensen
• negotiations for the proposed Fire Eater-TechnoPagan Alliance ended badly, with numerous deaths. Xylona is a leader among the TechnoPagans
• TechoPagans: a group of people living in huts constructed of solar panels on an island ruled by Jupiter and Jove. Their village is near the old stone hut/temple where the mudman lives. Their leader/Mizzenpriestess is Xylona, our protagonist’s aunt
• The Pentagonal Party: a group of rebel Contrarians who do not support Fleur as the heir to the Warlordship. They instead support her half-brother William Penn XII. They owned at least one battle dirigible, but it was downed by flying fish. It is unlikely that William was onboard

Wait. Contrarians? Like from a place called Contraria? In a word, yes. Contraria is a country, possibly in Europe, ruled by a Warlord. His daughter Fleur is our protagonist’s wife.

• Contraria: the capital is Funkistan, but their sanitation is woeful, so the royal hospital is in Pittsburghistan. There is also a city called Philadelphiastan. In Contraria, hockey players still wear garter belts, aerial combat is taught at finishing school, and housekeeping by paid staff is banned. The warlords of Contraria are heavily into calligraphy. And rituals. So many rituals. Most marriage and fertility rites involve birds and bird skeletons. They also have a prophesy for every occasion. Contrarian succession is a complicated matter. The warlord takes many wives at once (one for each previous warlord who shared his name, plus one for himself). Pregnancies are timed to run concurrently, and whichever baby is born first is the heir. All of the children together are the Royal Brood. The unofficial motto of the Contrarian Armed Forces is “Hungry, not Smart.”
• The Inimical Archipelago: a secret chain of islands under Contrarian rule. The best restaurant in the islands is located at the top of the zeppelin docking spire, and serves such Inimical delights as caramel escargots, grapes with frosting, and the Inimical Gin and Tonic, which is opaque, green, fizzy, and possibly poisoned. But at least the grapes are already partially filled with wine when they’re picked! Across the lagoon from the zeppelin dock is a lovely tidal pool, perfect for beach volleyball and water births. The prison is located at one end of the archipelago, and has its own zeppelin dock, but presumably there is no revolving restaurant there. The other end of the archipelago is Disco Island, which is dangerously close to White Faces mime cartel territory.

Next week we’ll dive into the details of our unnamed protagonist and his newly introduced friends, enemies, and family members.