“I’ll Meet You There!”

  • by Kentfeels like I’m being eaten
  • blue velvet throw pillows
  • wearing a pink ski jacket
  • a phonebooth in Denver
  • make him play beatnik bongos

Tune in next time part 584    Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I’ll meet you there!” Jeff yelled after us. I didn’t know what he was talking about, nor did I care. I was just glad to be free of that bathtub, where the ghostly viscount had to remain.

“I can’t get on the boat, of course,” he called out. “But I have made travel arrangements. It’s not the most pleasant way to take a trip. It feels like I’m being eaten by a flock of blue velvet throw pillows while their shepherd stands there wearing a pink ski jacket and playing some bullshit game on his phone. And that’s business class! Anyway,” his voice still rang out to me even as the Tessabot dragged me farther and farther down the pier, “my paperwork came through for a transfer to a phonebooth in Denver.” After a pause, he added, “I guess you won’t get there by boat either. Well, good luck!”

Tessa halted next to a ten-meter sailboat. I couldn’t see its name, but its skipper was lounging on the foredeck in a speedo and a nautical Nehru jacket. Tessa elbowed me in the ribs and gesticulated with her face until I caught on that she wanted me to do the talking.

“Can we get a ride?” I asked the languid captain.

He shot me a disapproving glance. He said in a gruff voice, “Anybody asks me that, I make him play beatnik bongos. And then we see how things go from there.”

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Poisoned? By Someone Named Joey?

  • by jenwith a twist!
  • morally questionable reality show
  • secretly follows them underwater
  • you look like hell
  • I see where she picked up her fashion sense

Tune in next time part 583    Click Here for Earlier Installments

Poisoned? By someone named Joey? I had assumed — nay hoped! — that Jeff was murdered by his brother Arlo, and that I would be able to send my dickish viscount nemesis to prison forever. I had not expected Jeff’s to be a story with a twist!

Jeff told me about meeting Joey when they were both contestants on a morally questionable reality show called Tontine. In addition to encouraging the cast to try to kill each other, the producers suggested they skinny dip while a camera submarine secretly follows them underwater, filming everything. Now that I knew Arlo was not involved in his death, I really wished Jeff would be quiet, but he would not shut up.

Tessa hurtled us around a final chicane and brought the motorcycle to a screeching halt on the quayside. I leapt from the sidecar, amazed that we had survived our wild ride.

I stumbled into a stevedore who took one look at me and said, “You look like hell.” Tessa joined us and the rude fellow said dismissively, “I see where she picked up her fashion sense. You two look like a couple of horny necromancers.”

“Thank you!” enthused Tessa. She grabbed my hand and dragged me down the pier.

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Lights, Camera, Quarantine!

What’s the last movie you saw in a theatre? For us it’s either Knives Out, or the most recent Star Wars.

SKELLEY TRIVIA ALERT: Back before we were married, we worked together at a movie theatre for about 4 years. During that time we saw a lot of movies (we were each allowed to see one movie for free per week at any theatre in town — and bring a guest —  so we saw two free movies a week for four years). The downside was a growing hatred of the smell of fresh popcorn. In the years since, we’ve cut way back on our trips to the cinema, but we usually manage half-a-dozen a year. This past year was a big ol’ goose egg. To scratch our cinephile itch, we took advantage of our DVD Netflix subscription. Yes, those still exist, and yes, we still have one. There’s tons of older movies available there that aren’t streaming anywhere.

After finally making time to watch Get Out, and quickly following that up with Us, we turned our attention to a new genre — Classics We’ve Never Seen. Turns out there are a lot of them. It’s been a mostly rewarding project. We’ve enjoyed the majority of what we’ve seen, and it’s been a nice change of pace. Here’s a sampling of what we’ve watched during quarantine.

  • Harvey
  • Some Like it Hot
  • Lawrence of Arabia
  • Dial M for Murder
  • Sunset Boulevard
  • Blow Up
  • Thief of Baghdad
  • City Lights
  • The 39 Steps
  • Double Indemnity
  • The Day the Earth Stood Still
  • Anatomy of a Murder
  • The Sting
  • Ministry of Fear
  • To Catch a Thief

This is one habit we’ll likely continue, even after we’re allowed to venture back into the world again, so let us know which classics you recommend.

With The Tessabot’s Manic Driving

  • by Kenthear the organist practicing
  • he worked that shift at the opera
  • unique bruise and a one-of-a-kind story
  • slinging strawberries and Ding Dongs
  • bottle that says Deadly Poison

Tune in next time part 582    Click Here for Earlier Installments

With the Tessabot’s manic driving, we reached the harbor in no time. Overlooking the water on a high bluff were two churches, one a tall, spiky Gothic cathedral, the other a quaint little stone box. From one of them, I wasn’t sure which, I could hear the organist practicing even over the growl of the motorbike.

Viscount Jeff wiggled a finger in his phantasmal ear. “It never used to be so loud,” he said, “but ever since he worked that shift at the opera house on the mainland, Joey’s gone in for maximum volume. That’s why he connected up the organ pipes to a geothermal vent, a task which left him with a unique bruise and a one-of-a-kind story.”

I merely nodded, my attention riveted to the precarious switchbacks Tessa was hurtling around. I braced myself against the rim of the bathtub sidecar to keep from being flung out and plummeting into the surf far below.

“Joey’s a good kid,” Jeff went on. “Before he landed this gig, he was living off his winnings at the carnival, slinging strawberries and Ding Dongs at spinning targets. Well, I’m sure you know all about the carnival.”

I was barely listening. The ride was terrifying, and yet the prospect of escape from this wretched island was growing nearer each second.

“Anyway,” Jeff said in a more subdued tone, “let me give you a little advice. Don’t accept a drink from Joey if he pours it from a bottle that says Deadly Poison. I mean, like I said, he’s a good kid. He showed me the label, for crying out loud. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

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Tessa Knew How to Operate a Motorcycle

  • by jen— mind the lobsters —
  • socks that my dad fixed
  • look into your eyes again
  • evidence-schmevidence
  • psychedelic detective story

Tune in next time part 581    Click Here for Earlier Installments

Tessa knew how to operate a motorcycle. It was everything else about driving that she seemed ignorant of. I found myself shouting directions from the sidecar like some kind of terrible backseat driver. “Yield to pedestrians — stay in your lane — mind the lobsters — use your turn signal!”

Suddenly the Viscount shimmered into view in the deep end of the tub. “Ah, good, you’re back,” he said. He raised his feet and held them in front of my face. “Do you like these socks that my dad fixed to the end of my pant legs? It’s to stop me from losing them. I’m afraid they might look silly. What do you think? Tell me the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying when I look into your eyes again and see the evidence.”

“Evidence-schmevidence,” I said. “This isn’t some kind of psychedelic detective story.”

Tessa looked at me quizzically.

“Eyes on the road!” I yelled.

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Crop Rotation

Coming up with a story and all the people in it and a whole world where it can happen is a lot of work. There’s so much stuff that needs to be figured out. Working with a partner, that mostly entails talking about it. With enough talking, we can figure anything out. (Talking to yourself can work, too.)

Naturally, it’s not quite that simple. In any given conversation, we’ll pick a topic and make good headway, but getting a given thing totally solved doesn’t usually happen all in one go, or even in a linear manner. We reach a point where we’re not making progress anymore, and lay that idea aside. At some point we’ll revisit it and move it ahead. Eventually, after lots and lots of talking, we get everything we need.

It’s like crop rotation. You need to switch things up once in a while and let the soil rejunvenate. That might mean staying within the same story but shifting your attention to a different plot thread, or a different character’s arc, or it might mean working on a completely separate story. The point is, don’t strain harder and harder if your yield is dropping. Spending that energy on something else will be much more productive.

A good writing partner doesn’t let you end with an overwrought farming metaphor.

“Remember This Place Is Guarded By Pirates”

  • by Kentand while they smell terrible
  • They want very much to be pregnant
  • the permanence that a tattoo offers
  • determines if the story told will be epic or horrific
  • shining jewel in the crown

Tune in next time part 580    Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Remember this place is guarded by pirates,” I wanted to say, but the bejeweled false teeth prevented it. I tried pantomime, but Tessa didn’t seem to understand. She descended the rope ladder and I had little choice but to follow. Brandita and the Baron remained unconscious on the living room floor.

Stepping outside, we immediately found ourselves confronted by two elderly but heavily armed pirate wenches. The thing about these guards is that they’ve been seasoned by years in the salt wind, and while they smell terrible they are deadly with a blade. They are also not too bright, and Tessa easily talked us past them.

“They want very much to be pregnant,” Tessa explained to me as she started up Brandita’s motorbike and I climbed into the bathtub-sidecar. Jeff was nowhere to be seen. This puzzled me, as I thought his haunting of the tub carried the permanence that a tattoo offers.

Now that we were away from the guards, I spat out the sparkly chompers so I could speak. “We’re going to have quite a story to tell when we get back to civilization,” I said. She revved the engine. “You do know how to drive this thing, right?” I asked, knowing that her answer would be the sort of thing that determines if the story told will be epic or horrific.

Her answer was to rocket us onto the precarious road at such alarming speed that I almost dropped the diamond-encrusted dentures. Sun glinted off a particularly impressive stone, the shining jewel in the crown of teeth.

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As We Marched Around the Baron’s Sitting Room

  • by jenmost nudists prefer
  • Don’t bite down.
  • looked like horny necromancers
  • also very picky about scents
  • adorable genius

Tune in next time part 579    Click Here for Earlier Installments

As we marched around the Baron’s sitting room, I became aware that Tessa’s footsteps were tapping out a coded message — one intended just for me. I tapped my own reply, “Oh, Tessa, you adorable genius!”

Her message to me was a warning that she was going to emit a potent knockout gas, and that I ought to hold my breath. In addition to not wanting to be rendered unconscious again, I’m also very picky about scents. Knockout gas invariable smells sickly sweet, and I appreciated the heads-up.

A rapid shuffling of her feet signaled the countdown. I took a deep lungful of air, or as deep as I could manage with her elbows still pressed into my sides. She winked at me, and then jets of compressed gas erupted from both of her ears. One blasted Baron von Dimpleheimer, and the other Brandita. In seconds they had both crumpled to the floor.

Tessa hoisted me and hurried to the kitchen where the air was clear. “We need to change our clothes and get out of here,” she said.

A rope ladder led up to von Dimpleheimer’s bedroom, and there we raided his wardrobe. Let’s just say that his tastes are eccentric. By the time we were dressed we looked like horny necromancers. Tessa shoved a set of diamond-encrusted dentures in my mouth to complete my disguise. “Those will shatter your real teeth if you’re not careful. So, you know. Don’t bite down.”

I felt that our getups were too flashy, that they would attract attention rather than allow us to go unnoticed. As most nudists prefer a lack of clothing, I prefer to keep my disguises simple. I wanted to explain my spycraft philosophy to Tessa, but the damned false teeth made it impossible.

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Happy Quaraversary

So, it’s been a year. We’re not going to rehash all the terrible stuff that happened in 2020. You know how bad it was. Instead, let’s talk about how we spent our time. Like everyone else, we watched TV. But unlike most other people we didn’t really up our consumption much. Our writing projects kept us happily occupied. The only real increase came from Kent working at home and that allowing us to pop on a half-hour diversion during lunch.

In August we started a list of what we watched during quarantine, but of course that was half a year in, and we certainly forgot some things. Since then we’ve sporadically kept up with it. Given how long this incomplete list is, we’re sort of horrified and amazed at how much TV we do actually watch. If we didn’t have our writing it would easily be twice as long.

What have we been watching? Let’s break it down.

Comedies

  • Schitt’s Creek
  • Mythic Quest
  • Space Force
  • Truth Seekers
  • Ted Lasso
  • What We Do In the Shadows
  • Danger 5 (season 1 is better than season 2)
  • Mighty Boosh
  • Bojack Horseman (but is it really a comedy? discuss)
  • Middleditch and Schwartz
  • Auntie Donna’s Big Ol’ House of Fun
  • Staged
  • The Goes Wrong Show

Dramas

  • Devs
  • Dark
  • Umbrella Academy
  • The Great
  • Unsolved Mysteries
  • The Haunting of Bly Manor
  • Killing Eve
  • Supernatural (we’re through the first season already!)
  • Mandalorian
  • WandaVision

Specials

  • Kimmy Schmidt choose your own adventure
  • Psych movie
  • 30 Rock special NBC fall preview adverpalooza
  • Various comedy specials (James Acaster’s Repertoire was a fave)

Comfort shows

  • Great British Baking Show
  • various architecture shows (Grand Designs, etc)

Rewatched

  • 30 Rock
  • Community
  • Better Off Ted
  • Batman (1960s series)

We also watched some movies, but we’ll talk about them another time.

“Why Are You Taking Commands From This Guy?”

  • by KentIt’s a fact that I’m the seventh son
  • Mother was worried
  • your upper pubic region
  • shades of deepest purple and rich royal blue
  • It was huge.

Tune in next time part 578    Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Why are you taking commands from this guy?” I asked Tessa, but she showed no sign of hearing me. The victrola emitted a scratching hiss, and then it blared accordion notes through the room. Tessa immediately began a marching sort of gait that I was forced to match if I wanted to remain uninjured.

“This is my college band,” Baron von Dimpleheimer crowed over the loud music. “Technically, I wasn’t in it, but I wrote all their originals. It’s a fact that I’m the seventh songwriter they called, but I turned out to be the best!”

Tessa said in a flat voice, “Salutation, ‘Dear Mum,’ decoded. Significance: Mother was worried.” As she droned about the message, she continued the dance and I was compelled to keep it up as well. Few things so motivating as a robot’s knees whizzing toward your upper pubic region. With her in this automated dance-trance, she’d batter me into shades of deepest purple and rich royal blue without realizing it, just as she was unaware that she was betraying me to the Baron by helping him break this code.

But what she was saying didn’t jibe with what I already knew about the postcard’s message. If she was faking, it wasn’t just a big relief. It was huge.

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