“Maybe Fleur has a Point”

  • by jenBreak out the macrame vests and the hip huggers!
  • it’s lust, pure and simple
  • eating pasta barehanded
  • hallucinating and perspiring greatly
  • catch your own squid and harvest the ink by hand

Tune in next time part 777      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Maybe Fleur has a point,” Tessa said. “Where are we running to?”

“Trust me,” I said. “I’m a general. I know my way around a Contrarian Royal Airship. We’ll find a place to hole up together. But first I need some clothes. Preferably not a uniform, so I blend in.”

“Break out the macrame vests and the hip huggers!”

Tessa always wants me to dress like a hippie. It’s lust, pure and simple. She likes it best when the hip huggers are paisley. If I’m also eating pasta barehanded while hallucinating and perspiring greatly, it’s like porn to her.

“The costume closet is beside the aquarium,” I said. “Let’s go.”

“While I choose your outfit, you hop in the tank, catch your own squid and harvest the ink by hand,” Tessa purred. “That way we can give each other tattoos!”

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Worth the Wait Part 3: Serbia

Our tour through Eastern Europe continued in Serbia. We hiked through Djerdap national park to take in a view of the Danube (and Romania across the river). At an art commune we met a dog who fell madly in love with Jen, and we enjoyed some homemade honey rakia, a traditional Balkan spirit. (We may have also bought a couple of bottles to bring home.) Golubac Fortress is in the process of being restored. One of the first things they did was reroute the highway so that it no longer goes through the castle gates. We got there fairly late, and it was too dark to scale the rocky interior and walk along the walls, but we did climb a few of the towers.

In Belgrade we walked around in the rain, and had some delicious treats at the Hotel Moskva. Belgrade’s trams are fairly old, but their heaters really mean it, so we got nice and toasty on our way to the incredibly ornate Church of Saint Sava.

Karl Malden in Belgrade, border crossing, treats at the Hotel Moskva

 

Golubac Fortress, Church of St Sava, the face of Decebalus, view of the Danube and Romania

Our travels continue next week!

Fleur Was Convinced

  • by Kent“dancing till all hours” as my grandmother put it
  • Is it me? My refrigerator?
  • but it’s kind of a secret
  • as fast as my brain can tell my finger to
  • bemused drawl and conman grin

Tune in next time part 776      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Fleur was convinced that this was a Tessabot, but I felt certain she was the real thing. But, had my sister let my wife in on some hidden info? Was I deluded? Did infatuation have my brain “dancing till all hours” as my grandmother put it? Why do such imponderables keep interfering with my life? Is it me? My refrigerator? Is it time to throw away that old pickle relish?

“I asked you,” Tessa said, “which sister you talked to. It’s important!”

“It is important, yes,” said Fleur, still hauling me down the corridor by my collar. “I get that, but it’s kind of a secret. And I wouldn’t tell a robot anyway.”

While she was distracted, I was undoing the buttons on my jacket as fast as my brain can tell my finger to poke them through their holes. That brain must not have done too much dancing, for in seconds, Fleur was holding the empty garment and I was dashing with Tessa down a side passageway.

“Sure, run away,” Fleur said with a bemused drawl and a conman grin. “You gonna run right off the airship?”

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I Edged to the Right

  • by jenthat sister of yours
  • a fleeting intensity in his look
  • too much truth serum
  • sent a handwritten note
  • New York’s elite muckety-mucks

Tune in next time part 775      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I edged to the right, gripping Tessa by the elbow. We could sneak away while Zeus and Fleur had each other distracted. On a vessel as large as a Contrarian Royal Airship there had to be some private place where we could talk uninterrupted.

“I should have listened to that sister of yours,” Fleur said, snagging me by the collar. “She warned me you’d try to slip away.”

Which of my sisters had she been talking to?

“Which of his sisters have you been talking to?” Tessa asked. “Most of them are liars.”

“Go away, Pamplemousse,” Fleur said. “I have business with my husband.”

A fleeting intensity in his look told me Zeus Pamplemousse was greatly vexed to be dismissed like this. “Too much truth serum is poison for a relationship, Fleur,” the giant man grumbled. “You really ought to spare my feelings.”

“If I wanted to spare your feelings I would have sent a handwritten note, and being the daughter of the Contrarian Warlord, it would have been a thing of calligraphic wonder. Now go.” She flapped her hand at him.

“This isn’t over!” he roared. “New York’s elite muckety-mucks will hear of this! You’ll never be invited to another polo match!”

Fleur tightened her grip on my collar. “Come with me. And bring your robotic Ultra-Druid.”

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Worth the Wait Part 2: Bulgaria

After Romania, we were off to Bulgaria. We’ve been trying to learn Russian for a while now, and our knowledge of the Cyrillic alphabet came it quite handy on this whole trip.

Entering Bulgaria

As you can tell from the architecture, the Soviet Union left their thumbprints all over the region.

Our guide insisted that Bulgarian yogurt is the best in the world, but we were more impressed with the rose liqueur. There was also some rose brandy, which was hella intense, but it was the liqueur that we bought to bring home. We think it’ll be great over ice cream.

Obviously the USSR isn’t responsible for the awesome Wile E Coyote landscape.

More next week!

“Fleur!” Exclaimed Zeus Pamplemousse

  • by KentThat poem is unforgivable.
  • “I say no!”
  • with a grip on his throat
  • time for someone else to be touching your body
  • I thought you were in Africa

Tune in next time part 774      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Fleur!” exclaimed Zeus Pamplemousse. He fell to one knee and recited:

“Of all that ever once did bloom,
you were the sweetest flower on the moon.”

My wife scowled at him. She folded her arms and replied:

“I do not forget.
Go away. That poem is
unforgivable.“

“They say time heals all wounds,” simpered the Moon Monarch.

“I say no!” Fleur shot back, lunging forward to emphasize her words with a grip on his throat. “Eternity wouldn’t fix what you did.”

Zeus stood up, unperturbed by Fleur’s nails gouging his neck. “I understand, now, that it was time for someone else to be touching your body. But at the time, I was unprepared for what I walked in on. It surprised me.”

Fleur released her choke hold, mainly so she could stop standing on her tiptoes. “You say you were surprised when you walked in? I thought you were in Africa.”

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After Smothering the Fire

  • by jenchasm of emptiness in my heart
  • “Here’s the masterpiece,” I said
  • “Of course I can beatbox.”
  • always been moderately (and occasionally very) embarrassed
  • nervous giggling, hiccuping, and sniffling

Tune in next time part 773      Click Here for Earlier Installments

After smothering the fire, Tessa dressed herself in the vestments of a Contrarian Ultra-Druid. You might think I would be disappointed for her not to be naked any more, but that just tells me you are unfamiliar with the ways of the Ultra-Druids. She looked more obscene now than I’d ever seen her, so obscene it turned Pamplemousse into a mountain of nervous giggling, hiccuping, and sniffling absurdity.

Tessa grinned when she saw the looks on our faces. “Let’s go get that ice cream!”

As we strode through the corridors toward the cafeteria we passed another of Jason’s bottle sculptures. I have always been moderately (and occasionally very) embarrassed about my lack of rap skill when compared to my brother, and now I kept encountering evidence that he was also better at making found art. Tessa saw my sour expression and immediately knew what I was thinking.

“Darling,” she said. “Can you still beatbox?”

“Of course I can beatbox.” That was one realm where I outshone my twin. I smiled.

“At the Academy you were working on your beatboxing magnum opus. Do you remember it? Could you perform it now? For me? Please?”

There was no way I could deny her anything, especially when she was dressed like an Ultra-Druid. I cleared my throat. “Here’s the masterpiece,” I said, and launched into it. When I wrote it I’d been inspired by my love for Tessa, however over the years that we’d been apart it had gained resonance in the chasm of emptiness in my heart. I wanted to really wow Tessa, so I gave it my all.

I got so caught up in my magnificent mouth noises that I didn’t notice Fleur until we were right on top of her.

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We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Travelog…

We know you’re all desperate to see more of our vacation snaps, but you’ll have to wait one more week because we have an exciting announcement: As-Yet Untitled Ghost Novel #1 has passed the 100,000 word milestone! (101,313 to be exact.) We plan to pop the champagne tonight since we don’t generally work on Fridays. The advice is to write drunk and edit sober, but why waste the fun on a work session?

My Dash

  • by Kentrolled out from underneath
  • “If I’m going camping, it’s going to be inside.”
  • so many novelty ice cream flavors
  • want to spritz myself with oranges and attract hornets
  • on the clown shoes

Tune in next time part 772      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My dash for the nearest exit from the chapel knocked over several tall candlesticks, but I didn’t slow down until Tessa and I were in the corridor and I’d pulled the door shut behind me. A lone candle rolled out from underneath the door, leaving a trail of wax.

Tessa’s trance broke the moment she was unable to see the Moon King’s socks. “I think I saw something catch fire back there,” she said.

I wasn’t too bothered for Pamplemousse’s safety, but a blaze would put the whole airship at risk. I grumbled, but I opened the door back up to see a cheery fire roaring in the center of the chamber. It consisted of dozens of those damned candles arranged with their wicks together. It looked like an emoji of a campfire, but the heat was all too real. Pamplemousse, meanwhile, was in the process of draping his cloak over a pew to make a tent. He noticed my return, but seemed unfazed, merely saying, “If I’m going camping, it’s going to be inside.”

“We can’t trust him to control that fire,” Tessa protested.

“Why not come with us,” I reluctantly offered. “We’re going to the cafeteria for some treats. No place has so many novelty ice cream flavors like a Contrarian Royal Airship.” The idea of continuing to deal with this lunatic made me want to spritz myself with oranges and attract hornets.

“Sure, that sounds wonderful!” Zeus Pamplemousse enthused. While he collected his cloak and hurried to the door where I was beckoning, Tessa sought a way to put out the fire. The area around the altar held the emergency vestments for a wide range of religious orders. This included the Alamode Evangelicals, whose outfits and facepaint are far too flammable to be of use, but Tessa was able to smother the blaze using the carton the clown shoes were stored in.

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The Silver-Fringed Washcloths

  • by jentiny but sharp
  • “Leave your calling card on the silver tray
  • “I swallowed it,”
  • shrugging his great shoulders
  • we will use the celebrated diagonal method

Tune in next time part 771      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The silver-fringed washcloths in Zeus Pamplemousse’s hands emitted an eerie humming sound. I directed tiny but sharp kicks at Tessa’s ankle in an attempt to break her sock-trance without alerting the loony lunar giant. I tugged on her wrist.

Zeus stood to his full height. Through some rudimentary trick of origami, he folded the two washcloths into a single flat rectangle that he balanced on the fingertips of one hand. It rang like a bell. “Leave your calling card on the silver tray,” he commanded.

Since I don’t live in a regency romance novel, I had no calling card. It was clear that Pamplemousse would never accept that answer though. “I swallowed it,” I lied while tugging Tessa’s wrist again.

Shrugging his great shoulders, the Mad Moon King said, “I can wait.” He cracked his immense knuckles. “I’ve heard of many ways to speed that sort of thing up, but I think that today we will use the celebrated diagonal method.” He reached for me.

I gave up on all subtlety, hoisted Tessa into my arms, and turned to flee.

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