“I’ve Had Too Much Champagne”
“You have to pee?”- using an old-school latex puppet
- ideal for your most intimate moments
- wearing the couples’ shoes while they slept
- party where I met Jim
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“I’ve had too much champagne,” I told Hildegard. “And I’m about to burst.”
“You have to pee?”
I nodded as I slid off the pudding-slicked bed, heading for the ensuite. Hildegard followed right behind me. Even after what we’d spent the past hours doing, this felt presumptuous of her. “Gimme some privacy,” I grumbled.
“But in Bumpengrynd, it’s customary for your wife to help you aim, using an old-school latex puppet, of course, for sanitary purposes.”
I stopped and stared. Surely she couldn’t be serious.
“On a honeymoon, it’s ideal for your most intimate moments to be shared. It builds a deep connection.”
I swatted the puppet out of her hand. “What about Chartreuse Pamplemousse? Isn’t he the one you really want to build an intimate connection with?”
“Obviously. But he’s not here. And anyway, things are different in a plural marriage. Only two members of a wedded throuple may sleep at the same time, while the third spouse confuses any eavesdroppers by wearing the couples’ shoes while they slept.”
“While they sleep.”
“That’s what I said.”
I let it go. English wasn’t her first language. “I would prefer to pee alone, and since you and I aren’t actually married, I’m going to go ahead and do that.”
“Of course we’re married, much as we both might wish otherwise. The officiant signed the document, and if I learned anything at that party where I met Jim, it’s that you Americans are sticklers for official documents.”
“Wait,” I said. “You know Jim? My brother Jim?”
bonus points for using them in order