I Like My Thighs Unperforated
who also worked at the bank- avoid being intimate with Jim
- I tried and tried to explain to him
- “Jesus wants me to be a dick,”
- I’ll be using your name
Tune in next time part 161 Click Here for Earlier Installments
I like my thighs unperforated, so instead of climbing down the ladder into the tunnel, I jumped. My landing was cushioned by the piles of tinsel that got thrown down here when the place was rebranded as Valentine Village. I had to wade through heaps and drifts of the stuff as I made my way through the labyrinth. In the soft light that bounced off every surface, I consulted the crude map Svetlana had scrawled on my palm.
When I reached the correct door I took a deep breath. I was not looking forward to this confrontation.
I crouched down and peered through the keyhole. In the gaudy lavender and pink room on the other side, I saw my twin, Jason, as I had been told to expect. What was a surprise was the presence of Kelly. She was the love of Jason’s life, and she’d gone to prison in my stead once upon a time, through no fault of my own. She worked at the bank we robbed, and she was sleeping with my brother Jim who also worked at the bank. Jason begged her to find ways to avoid being intimate with Jim, but she claimed there was no other way. I tried and tried to explain to him that if Kelly truly loved him she wouldn’t be banging our brother against his wishes, but Jason was blinded by love. He let Kelly walk all over him.
Like now.
Jason was still wearing the priest costume he’d adopted while hiding out at that little church in Rhode Island. He was laying on the floor, and Kelly was standing on his back, digging her toes in.
“You’re a naughty, naughty priest, aren’t you?” she purred.
“Jesus wants me to be a dick,” he groaned.
I burst into the room before things could get any tawdrier. Kelly shrieked, and then started laughing. I looked down and saw that miles of tinsel had gotten entangled in my leg hair, making it look like I was wearing shiny disco chaps. It did not add to the menacing air I wanted to exude, but it did cause a distraction. While Kelly guffawed and Jason tried to figure out what was so funny, I pounced. Moments later I had the two of them bound hand and foot.
“Sorry Jason,” I said. “For Step 4 of Svetlana and Heinrich’s plan I’ll be using your name.”
bonus points for using them in order