I Know It’s a Taboo Subject

• like the tears of a manatee
• chews on bed sheets
• Considering the circumstances?
• his penis hung from the bush
• into a dazzling brilliancy

I know it’s a taboo subject, but I’m afraid I must insist we discuss it. Would it be easier if I substituted a code word for the offensive term? Very well. Rather than actually saying that word which so distresses you, I shall say “penis.” Agreed? Excellent.

First off you have to bear in mind that Hinshaw was there. Yes, that changes everything. I mean the man chews on bed sheets, and we’re talking fraternity bedding. No class. Anyway, for all his faults the man’s a marvelous mixologist. On the night in question he took Winston’s — er, Winston’s penis — took it behind the bar with him. Winston didn’t know, poor thing, and spent half the evening searching for it. But Hinshaw used the penis to invent a new cocktail, and it was like the tears of a manatee muddled into a dazzling brilliancy with ginger and a hint of cloves. Winston got so sloppy on them, it’s no wonder he lost track of where his penis got to.

Me? Did I have any of this devilish concoction? Considering the circumstances? What do you take me for? It was delicious. I think Winston deserves at least half the credit, though.

Which brings me to the crux of the matter. Hinshaw, that madman, doesn’t know how to take proper care of himself and his own things, so you can imagine his cavalier treatment of Winston’s… So as the sun came up, Winston and I split up and it was me who found it. His penis hung from the bush next to the driveway. Well I’m afraid I panicked and hid it in my pocket. I lied to poor Winston and so as far as he knows the thing’s still missing. I have it with me. It doesn’t feel right to just leave it lying about, you know?

I really do need some advice.